I just lost it with my five year old

[leavingthehouse]

I slapped him across the face. I’m disgusted with myself and am going to make some plans to leave the house as soon as he’s in bed.

All day he’s been … destroying things I guess. He found a sharp stick and scraped the car; he took a paintbrush and ran upstairs with it getting paint all over the stairs, he poured a drink all over the floor, he grabbed a carbon monoxide detector and was grabbing it to make it beep.

I just gave him a shower and turned round and he was squeezing out my shower gel which was a gift everywhere … he’s been told not to do it so many times before. I lost it. It just felt like such a fuck you.

Like I say … I’m hoping to arrange to go. I don’t know what to do about anything. I’ve just lost it.

I assume you’re not going to tell the school either then? That is a massive red flag. You’re also denying your son the opportunity to have support from someone outside the home about what happened. Of course it will have affected him and he should be central in this whole thing.

I’ve been where you are - I haven’t slapped but I’ve been damn close.

You sound burned out by him which is understandable. You have to parent the child you have though rather than wishing him to be another child. That does mean childproofing etc to minimise the chance of this stuff happening which is a trigger for you.

I am fairly sure DS has ADHD and I’m fairly sure I have it too. I resent saying that as I am aware of the trend to pathologise everything atm but I think it does go some way to explaining 1. Why he does this and 2. Why I struggle to cope with it. It’s like I’m not in control of my emotions, which is so hard, but I use it to remind myself if I can’t control my feelings (and I’m 36) then how can I expect him to control his (at not yet 4).

I know it’s recommended on here a lot but I found the book The Explosive Child very helpful.

I’m not going to slate you but I am going to say that this HAS to change. The fact you started this thread means you’re not a monster, you don’t think it’s normal. But no more excuses. The route to fixing this starts with you, and it starts right now.

He had reflux as a baby and his sleep was awful. I felt like my life had a freight train going into it; the sleep deprivation was awful and made me almost hallucinate with exhaustion. Looking back I did make a drama out of everything partly because I didn’t know what was ‘normal’ and partly because it was kind of a cry for help, a way of saying I wasn’t coping. I’d say that continued into toddlerhood. I started finding him easier at four, but still some stuff is so baffling and frustrating like the toileting and the destruction of things.

In some ways he’s great and am so very proud of him. But it’s always felt like a fraught and strained relationship.

If you’d come on here and say your husband had slapped you round the face people would rightly say to call the police. It is massively unreasonable to sweep this under the carpet. You assaulted a child.

@leavingthehouse I’m not going to go on about the hiting as I think it’s already all been said. It’s horrific and completely unacceptable.

I have a whirlwind of a DS the same age and it’s hard work but with consistency from you (and DH) you should see improvement in his behaviour.

I don’t believe that all of what you’ve mentioned is typical behaviour at this age at all. And I think your attitude towards that seems too relaxed to be honest. You can’t say you believe your child has some additional needs but there’s no point in pursuing anything. Why would you not be trying to pursue any help you can get so that he has what support he needs?

What is your response to all these behaviours typically? Like the ignoring you when you’re asking him to put something back or when he takes things he’s not supposed to?

Also, unbuckling the seatbelt is unacceptable. If he’s not able to sit correctly and safely with a seatbelt then he should still be in an appropriate harnessed seat.

I was slapped on the face/back of the legs a couple of times as a child. It was rare, so I remember it. Once was for drawing with permanent marker on the walls, emptying sisters potty all over the floor and throwing my food so it stuck to the ceiling. The other time was for (randomly, with no reason) smashing up the house phone with a tiny toffee hammer and cutting my sisters hair (very badly) on the same day. I wasn’t traumatised, I was simply pushing boundaries. I also wasn’t “abused” my mother didn’t “need help” she was simply at her limit. In hindsight, I would be too.

@NerrSnerr I’m not telling the school and I’m not reporting myself to SS, that’s my final word on that matter, if you please.

@Cheepcheepcheep thank you. I’ve actually read the explosive child and I couldn’t really quite seem to understand the strategies the author was outlining. I’m not sure how much it fits ds. More a destructive child,

There’s a lot going on for you. He does sound like there’s some support needs - it’s not usual for a 5 year old to wet and soil themselves so I’d seek your GP for advice.

If he won’t follow verbal instructions can you do things with him? So ask him to put the card away and if he doesn’t respond bring him to you (by the hand if need be) and chat through putting the card away while you do it? If he makes a mess you clean up together while talking about what you’re doing? The problem with verbal instructions is that you can be ignored, so you speak more loudly, wind yourself up and then end up losing your temper. Doing with, or using “time in” helps you model what you’re looking for.

Lots of folk have talked about slapping, you know it’s not ok - take it as a warning that things need to change. Your DH needs to be onboard, he can’t keep opting out. Do some reading and decide on the strategies you’re both going to use consistently, and then stick with it for a good while - don’t decide it’s not working until you’re at least 6 weeks in.

Speak to your GP, you might find anti-depressants give you the headspace you need to be able to respond rather than react. Also think about whether menopause might be a factor - a key sign for me was absolutely losing my shit over something really very minor, I knew my reaction was extreme and HRT really sorted things for me.

You’ll come through this, and your son will be ok but you do need some help for your own wellbeing.

@Beefjerky that actually is helpful as these aren’t verbatim ds but they are the sort of things he’d do.

I used to think he didn’t have special needs but honestly the fact he’s soiled himself three times today (and is not ill) makes me think otherwise.

@leavingthehouse So what are you going to do when DS tells the school and they inform social services? Because that is very likely!

@Jellycatspyjamas i do think I am probably menopausal. I do seem to be getting wound up over nothing, I’m 45. If that helps.

Thanks for your measured post, it was helpful. Sometimes I read things like that but then forget. I think I’ve given up trying to get DH on board, fairly or otherwise I feel he is to blame for today as well but his conscience is clear and mine is not.

God I hope for his sake he tells someone next week. Pool kid.

@leavingthehouse re the Explosive Child, the main thing I took from it is kids will behave if they can. It’s not that he doesn’t WANT to behave, it’s that he CANT. Now there may be a myriad of reasons for that - SEN maybe - but it pulled me back to the concept of parenting the kid I have not the kid I “wanted”. I’ve quizzed my DS like I’m Interpol as to the why and he can’t tell me why. Do I wish I had a kid who understood? Do I wish I had a kid who ‘got it’? Yes. But I love him, I have to realise I don’t have a kid who ‘gets it’ and no amount of shouting or aggression on my part will change that, quite the opposite tbh.

I may be punting here but I largely blamed myself for his behaviour for a long time and one of the reasons I was so angry with him was because I was angry with myself. I felt like his behaviour was a reflection of some kind of failing as a mother - whether I didn’t do the right thing when pregnant (so I didn’t develop his brain right), or failed in discipline. And because I was cross at myself, and when they’re so small it feels like they’re an extension of you, it was easy to be cross at him. But - if you are blaming yourself for his behaviour - yelling at him is not yelling at you. He is a whole person, entirely separate to you. And being aggressive with him will never make things better. It will only make him act up more.

Your mother used to slap you across the face when you were 5?

And you think that’s ok?

"OP, please stop being melodramatic. My mother slapped me for a lot less, it was standard discipline just a generation ago and we’ve turned out fine. I’m not saying make it a habit but you don’t need to be leaving the house or anything drastic like that."

Exactly! I'm 38. Yes, my mum was a bag of hammers and I went no contact with her some 15 years ago (long story). However, she spanked me, slapped me across the face and belly etc I don't have PTSD like some people are insinuating a child develops after such things. The sexual assault I endured at 13 at the hands of a next door neighbour however... now that did some damage and made me afraid of men for a good while.

OP, you are clearly at the end of your tether. Please don't leave the house. Stay with your boy and patch things up. Try and get a GP appointment and take things from there. You've got this.

Ah you’re full of excuses here, aren’t you?

Your husband’s shite, the child had reflux as a baby, you need anti-depressants, you’re parenting alone from within a marriage.

Why do you not hit your husband across the face, when he clearly annoys you too? Or can you control yourself around people who’d be capable of hitting you back?

I don’t care what anyone might reply to me here, you’re making excuses, can’t even apologise to your little boy unreservedly, write something about bettering yourself then follow with a “but…” where you excuse yourself.

I hope your boy tells his teacher on Monday, and/or Mumsnet have your details and pass them on to the relevant people.

Absolutely.

It’s seems to be fine that OP just reached her “breaking point” and slapped her child across the face.

I doubt the same would be said about a man who slapped his partner around the face……

Or are “reaching breaking points” now a genuine reason for physical violence to be carried out and accepted?

I'm sorry you've had such a tough day. Parenting is hard!

In those situations when they're been a terror and I'm ready to scream, I like to pick DD (4) up and throw her onto the settee or the bed. She finds it ever so funny, it distracts her from whatever havoc she was causing and because she's happy, i then feel calm. Tomorrow is a new day 🥰

What would your reaction be if your DH did it and not you?

It’s actually almost laughable, if the entire situation wasn’t so bloody terrible.

You’ve got your token “well smacking never did me no harm” posters above too.

If the OP was posting because her husband had slapped the boy, not one reply would talk about tethers, breaking points, burnout. It would be “police, now!”.

Please don’t do this OP. Social services are now hysterical about this sort of thing and all you’ll do is bring a load of bother with them to your door. By this logic most of the parents a generation ago would’ve been “not safe” to care for their children and would’ve had social services involvement 🙄
If you’re otherwise a good, caring parent then just try to de-stress and don’t create problems where there aren’t any. Who knows, maybe after getting a slap he’ll be better behaved, it worked for my parents and grandparents’ generation 🤷‍♀️

If the OP’s husband had slapped her, or if she’d been in the pub earlier and a stranger slapped her around the face what would you advise?

i mean, social services being hysterical about a parent assaulting a child, whatever next?

If the OP was posting because her husband had slapped the boy, not one reply would talk about tethers, breaking points, burnout. It would be “police, now!”.

If she’d posted that her husband had hit her, an adult, they’d be saying it. But for far too many people on this thread it’s understandable to hit a little boy. Across the face. Because he’d been annoying.

Absolutely.

If my husband slapped my young child around the face I would be kicking him out and I would never let him be unsupervised around our child again.

OP hasn’t really said much about what her DH’s reaction was, but he doesn’t seem to care that it’s happened. The whole thing is incredibly sad for that little boy.

I truly hope that this post isn’t real.

@LondonLady1980Yes and yes, it was acceptable at time.