I just lost it with my five year old

[leavingthehouse]

I slapped him across the face. I’m disgusted with myself and am going to make some plans to leave the house as soon as he’s in bed.

All day he’s been … destroying things I guess. He found a sharp stick and scraped the car; he took a paintbrush and ran upstairs with it getting paint all over the stairs, he poured a drink all over the floor, he grabbed a carbon monoxide detector and was grabbing it to make it beep.

I just gave him a shower and turned round and he was squeezing out my shower gel which was a gift everywhere … he’s been told not to do it so many times before. I lost it. It just felt like such a fuck you.

Like I say … I’m hoping to arrange to go. I don’t know what to do about anything. I’ve just lost it.

I don’t disagree with you but what I would say is that when someone recognises a terrible behaviour and desperately wants to change it, it’s better to try and fix that rather than shut down all attempts to do so.

Am I the mum I want to be 24/7? Absolutely not. I’m fairly sure when DH and I are telling each other to fuck off (not often and never in front of the kids) we’re not being the spouses we want to be. But I’d bet a considerable amount of money that when I was smacked as a kid my dad wasn’t reflecting on it and saying he wanted to do better.

Change doesn’t happen overnight and I don’t think OP’s kid would be better of without her (I’ve had moments in the low after shouting when I do feel like that, but we get up the next day and I’m working my way to being a better mum.)

Who knows, maybe after getting a slap he’ll be better behaved, it worked for my parents and grandparents’ generation

I hope you don’t have children.

@AnneLovesGilbertIf I was deliberately damaging my husband’s things and the house all day then I wouldn’t blame him if he gave me a slap.

This thread needs to be removed.
When physically assaulting a child is being excused and dismissed then something has gone very wrong.

A poster is now even implying the 5 year old deserved to be slapped around his face. It’s disgusting.

I have no idea how to tag Mumsnet to highlight my concerns but I hope they act on this post.

You’re a genuine fucking idiot.

Want me to list some things that used to be acceptable, but aren’t now?

Kids buying fags, whiskey on the babies bottle, no seatbelts, no sunscreen, mercury thermometers.

You sound about 80 with your stupid views. Hopefully you are able to change them before you shuffle off this planet one day.

@LondonLady1980You sound mentally fragile, I hope you get help for that.

@Cheepcheepcheep one of the reasons I was so angry with him was because I was angry with myself yes this resonates. Thank you.

All the ‘if your husband had done it’ are by the by. It doesn’t matter. DH didn’t do it; I did it.

@LondonLady1980 you need to click on report post and either ask MN to remove the thread or report the particular posts which concern you. I don’t mind if the thread comes down but I will screenshot @Cheepcheepcheep s post and that from @Jellycatspyjamas S they really have been helpful first.

I have just spoken with DH and we have agreed some strategies going forwards. I have made the point to him that while my behaviour was unacceptable he was able to deal with his anger earlier by removing himself and I have not had that option today. And DH hasn’t made me feel like I can go to him and say ‘I’m about to lose it, please take over.’

He is 5, he isn’t deliberately fucking damaging anything. He has literally no impulse control at his age.

FML what a depressing, sad thread.

@leavingthehouse your attitude sucks, I hope your DH makes you leave. The amount of excuses you’ve got for your behaviour is astounding and yet you expect your DS to be able to control himself when you can’t even do that as an adult. Have a long look in the mirror and stop excusing the fact you assaulted your child.

Unhinged? For not condoning child abuse?

I sincerely hope you have no children in your life.

Yeah you’d love it if I were some they/them, coloured hair, self-declared autistic adult who carried toys with me to cope with life.

But I’m not. I’m also not a moron who posts deliberately provocative posts online to get a rise.

You're a mug. Probably crippled with anxiety and social issues in the real world. You do what you need to do in order to feel big.

I would personally just get a near empty shower gel he can play with in the bath. Tell him it's his and only his. Refill with cheap soap idk.

Right: I’m not trying to be the thread police.

But let’s restate the facts:

• OP did something completely awful
• OP feels like shit about it
• Does it absolve OP from doing the awful thing? imo No
• Will OP’s child be better off if she walks away? IMO also no
• Has OP asked for support in making sure this never happens again? Yes
• Will people pile on to tell her she should be removed from her child? Inevitably yes
• is it possible for OP to do better and never, ever do it again? Yes
• will that be supported by people telling her how evil she is (fwiw she knows)? No
• if OP was completely without redemption, would she have posted? No.
• is this a real person who is having a crisis? Yes
• does her child deserve what happened? No
• can we change the past? No
• can we change the future? Yes.

just fyi, @LondonLady1980 if you look at the three horizontal dots (meatballs) on the very first post by @leavingthehouse

Click on those, the very bottom option (of 5) is Report, click that, and add your comments

A tap-out system can be useful. When one parent spots the other one is losing it, they tap the less calm parent who takes that as a the cue to leave immediately and the calm parent takes over. And it forces you both to be engaged and have eachother's backs.

Have you got other children and what are they like?

Thanks @Cheepcheepcheep

It probably would be best if the thread was removed especially as it’s just turning into an argument. I just wish we could keep talking and others as it’s so helpful but not when it’s interjected with others’ arguments and the regular posts saying I’m evil and horrible. I’m not but I did do a terrible thing. I can’t undo it but I can do better.

@WiggyWiggyImGettingJiggyChild abuse 🙄. It was a slap, she didn’t beat him up. By your logic most of us who didn’t grow up with gentle parenting were abused 🙄 This is an insult to people who were actually abused.
I think you’ll find my child is happy and well behaved, however I’m fed up with her constantly being mauled by the kids of gentle parenting mummies that chant “developmentally normal” and “no impulse control” while their cherub is out of control. I can already spot the type on this thread, the ones who are all triggered by my posts.

How many people who have assaulted their spouse or child say they’ll never do it again? I suspect most. How many do it again- almost certainly many.

Just because the OP is saying she won’t ever snap again doesn’t mean she won’t. It’s such a massive red flag that she won’t tell the school, as she’s putting her own shame over getting additional support he may need.

If this thread comes down (or even if it doesn’t) feel free to message me. I know what it’s like to be close to the edge and while I know (as well do you) tonight was awful and DS did not deserve it, you know there are ways forward. This doesn’t have to define your family but you do need it to be the moment you change things.

Course I’m going to respond to the shite you were coming away with - as did others.

That “melt” patter is embarrassing too. Showing your age there.

At what point is it abuse?

One slap around the face? Two? Five?

Do you hit your kid?

I completely agree, but I know how close to it I’ve come and I could see how it would have happened if fate (let’s be honest my DH who could see how close I was to the edge) hadn’t intervened.

I don’t think the OP’s DC would be better off without her so I think the nexus needs to be on how OP can manage her feelings so it never happens again.

I don’t think it’s fair to compare DH/DW interactions with DP/DC ones. I’d walk away from DH for far less than I’d walk away from my DC. I’m not advocating violence in the slightest but it’s not a comparable bond.

You’re the one embarrassing yourself. If you don’t like what I’m saying you can scroll on. It’s a public forum, people have different opinions.

@Richteabiscuit14 is clearly a numpty getting their jollies on a Saturday night.

Best to starve them of oxygen really.

eta; oops! just did the opposite 🙊