I just lost it with my five year old

[leavingthehouse]

I slapped him across the face. I’m disgusted with myself and am going to make some plans to leave the house as soon as he’s in bed.

All day he’s been … destroying things I guess. He found a sharp stick and scraped the car; he took a paintbrush and ran upstairs with it getting paint all over the stairs, he poured a drink all over the floor, he grabbed a carbon monoxide detector and was grabbing it to make it beep.

I just gave him a shower and turned round and he was squeezing out my shower gel which was a gift everywhere … he’s been told not to do it so many times before. I lost it. It just felt like such a fuck you.

Like I say … I’m hoping to arrange to go. I don’t know what to do about anything. I’ve just lost it.

Social services won’t take a child away for one incident but telling the school means the child gets to talk to someone and will get the message that they can tell them if anything worrying happens at home again. There is a hell of a lot of focus on the OP, what’s best for her and her feelings but nothing about supporting this tiny child.

Thank you @Cheepcheepcheep . I will do if that’s OK.

I smacked my DD twice in succession on the bottom at age 4. It horrified me, I was deep in PND with my then 1yr old but there was no excuse. Do you know what I didn’t do, I didn’t excuse my behaviour by blaming my DD even though her behaviour was atrocious. I didn’t get defensive and try to hide it either.

I went to therapy, I read every children’s book possible, I sat her down and apologised unreservedly and told her it was not her fault.That it was my fault because I should have been able to control myself. I told her nursery school what had happened and told them to report me if needed, I was absolutely okay with being seen by SS if it meant it never happened again. She’s nearly 11, I haven’t laid a hand on her since and never would again.

So I know what it’s like, I’ve been there. But until you can properly face up to the fact that it was all on you not much is going to change.

Love your post above RE your child being “mauled”.

It’s just a slap she’s getting off the other kids. It’s not abuse. Maybe it’ll toughen her up for the future.

Oh wait, does that not sit well? You’re triggered off the scale by your kid getting hurt at school by other kids, but not remotely fussed about a 5 YO being slapped by an adult.

Making an absolute show of yourself here.

Make your house ds proof

Identify what he might use to cause damage and remove unless supervised.

Childlocks on all cabinets

Anything like your bag or paint brushes out of reach .
Go to each room at ds level and check everything . Bleach cleaning fluids persil pods need to be
Behind child lock or high up.
Your creams and potions outof sight and behind child lock

Fresh air every day

Do youhave a garden? Take him outside if he needs calming down . Coat on shoes on jump up and down together.

No. Now I'm completely out on trying to support OP. I had a baby that didn't sleep, that is neurodivergent, I have been depressed, had generalised anxiety, been a single parent, had a shit ex DH and despite other PP claiming that a generation ago it was normal to slap, I now have a DC in their early twenties. I'm currently 45 and I'm menopausal too. All the excuses rolled out by the OP.

I have never slapped anyone across the face, let alone a tiny five year old. Let alone my own tiny five year old. Absolutely not.

@WiggyWiggyImGettingJiggyI don’t and I don’t need to as she is generally well behaved. I don’t actually think it’s a good method of everyday discipline, but neither do I think a one off slap by a parent at the end of their tether is child abuse that warrants social service involvement and a mother leaving the home. That’s what I was getting at, before the gentle parenting brigade jumped on me and hijacked the OP’s thread with their hysteria.
Child abuse would be if the smacking is happening every day or if it’s done very hard.
Anyway I hope the OP gets the support she needs, though Mumsnet is probably not the right place. Common sense just seems to go out the window here.

It’s a good point and I hope school would have an opportunity for DC to mention it. My Reception aged child has a ‘worry jar’ in class and did put a token in it. When her TA asked why she’d put a worry in the jar she said ‘mummy was shouty this morning’. I was shouty - both kids had taken 17 asks to get their shoes on and I’d gone ‘OH FOR GODS SAKE PUT ON YOUR BLOODY SHOES’.

Was it child abuse? No. Was it great? Absolutely not.

I know it’s not a slap but it probably made her feel as scared tbh. And I’ve not been the best at managing my feelings so there’s every chance she was on edge.

I spoke to school, they’re fab and got that I was on my last nerve that morning.

Anyway, I’m not saying that the process shouldn’t support. But SS is a nuclear option and lots are scared of starting the process when they need support. Ideally there’d be something in the middle - to get the help/intervention without the stigma. Like Alcoholics Anonymous but for people struggling with parenting, maybe.

@MynameisJune i am not trying to blame my ds, and I am sorry if that’s how it came across. What I’m trying to do is piece together what happened, trying to see what the trigger was if you like to me losing it.

I have ordered a new car seat tonight and I’m hoping that will help contain ds in the car, it really was very scary when they were both loose. That was a big trigger as I’m sure a lot of people can relate, when you get a fright it’s easy for it to turn to anger (again not blaming just thrashing it out myself.)

Of course I know that many people have been under worse stress and strain and didn’t do what I did, but the fact is I did do it, I can’t undo it, I really wish I could.

Op isn't coping though, that much is plain to see.

Neither op nor her husband can be arsed with their little boy.

Social Services won't swoop in and remove her child, but they will help

How many horrific child abuse cases started with 'just a slap' and escalated?

Gentle parenting and simply not assaulting your child are two separate things. You said you don't hit your child, does that make you a 'gentle parent'?

But you're not a young child with probable SEN are you? I was slapped a few times as a child and remember it clearly, I absolutely despised my mother for it and lost all respect. If you'd ever done a safe guarding course then you would be aware this is physical abuse. It's sad that it was normalised for you.

OP his soiling himself 3 times in a day isn't really usual at 5, I'd be wondering if he's compacted and is leaking around the sides or if he doesn't recognise the urge - does he soil himself at school? Surely they don't think it's fine? Or do they just assume you're too lazy to potty train? That's seems to be a popular assumption rather than assuming there's some sort of SEN.

How is his general behaviour at school? Does he like going to school? Does he cope well there? If so I'd say that clear routine and being kept constantly occupied may be really helpful for him. It's possible that his behaviour may be him trying to get your attention whether he has SEN or not.

So I would make every weekend the same as much as possible, have a schedule where all his time is taken up with him doing something or another, either with you or his dad. Take him out to the park or to play football, a run around in the woods to burn off some of his energy then play trains or dinosaurs or whatever with him, get him to help you both with things around the house - notice and praise good behaviour. Talk to him and keep in engaged and busy.

I would also talk to his teacher about your concerns even if he is not struggling so much at school - DS is autistic and wasn't picked up at school till age 10, so don't assume that teachers are brilliant spotters of SEN, they will often put things down to the age of the kids, bad behaviour, poor parenting etc But if you tell them about your concerns that he may have SEN at least it's on their radar. The teacher may have some strategies she finds work well for him or she may have noticed some things that could be changed to help his behaviour.

If he likes messy play or making a mess then maybe if you have a garden he could have an area with empty bottles and pots that he can fill up with water, grass, stones etc and you can make 'potions' together. More of a summer activity perhaps but he sounds like a child that may really enjoy playing in puddles, mud and having fun making a mess.

OP you've reached the very end of your tether, use this awful situation as a catalyst to start making changing and working out what you can do to improve things. Talk to people and get as much help and support as you can. Tell people you are struggling, talk to his school, talk to the doctor about his soiling and see if you can get on a parenting course. Things need to change OP and DS doesn't know how so you need to. Good luck!

@Kibble19You seem genuinely hard of thinking. Big difference between being smacked after deliberately bad behaviour all day, and being hit unprovoked when you’re just minding your own business, as in the case of my child.

I firmly believe OP shouldn’t have hit her child.

But there’s no way a mum ‘can’t be arsed’ starts a thread to let the internet flagellate her for something she feels awful for.

It doesn’t make it better, and I am not at all saying it’s ok. Clearly, it’s child abuse. But if she thought it was ok she wouldn’t have started a thread asking people to tell her how awful she is.

You would be amazed at the amount of abuse that ends with the abuser getting sympathy for their own actions.

It's a really common tactic.

Op has got her "there, there" responses and is now saying she isn't going to seek any help from school or SS.

Surely if op felt that bad she would be desperate for help, not validation.

Also a big difference between a grown adult doing the hitting and a peer who’s the same age/weight group etc.

Do you hit your daughter?

@Cheepcheepcheep (I’m talking to you as you seem to get it most) - I have spoken to DH and while I can’t say it’s all roses I do feel like we have an agreed strategy to manage ds, as at the moment I feel like we are reactive rather than proactive to use a bit of an ofsted phrase there … I think the main thing is we are consistent.

It’s easy to lose sight of the lovely things about ds but today has not been good and I’ve felt it.

@Richteabiscuit14

"neither do I think a one off slap by a parent"

ACROSS THE FACE is the absolute shocker, surely @Richteabiscuit14?

@leavingthehouse I was PMing you and it just deleted - will try and write it again.

But one big part of what I was going to say was making sure you and DH are working as a team - I know I would be where you are if DH hadn’t stepped in a few times, and I think a good and present OH is one of the things that stopped us getting to this point.

For the people who think OP is getting an easy ride, I will clearly state what happened tonight is completely and utterly wrong but the best thing for her DC is making sure it doesn’t happen again, not his DM walking out and destroying the family.

@WiggyWiggyImGettingJiggy the help I get has to be helpful. Otherwise it is just pointless and actually harmful.

Things I’ve done tonight are

1. i have apologised to ds. I have tried to communicate I love him and that I was very wrong to act as I did and I am sorry.
2. i have spoken to DH; not easy, I’m more a sweep under the carpet person but I have forced a difficult conversation and agreed how to approach ds going forwards.
3. i have ordered a new car seat which honestly I can ill afford but its a priority for both safety and sanity.

Tomorrow and going forward I am going to see my GP to try to get some support for my anger. I’m also going to make an appointment for ds re the toileting. One of the things which I addressed with DH is ds gets very little one on one time with me and we’re looking at tweaking the weekend so that’s a priority. We are at our best when it’s just us. And while it may not seem like it from this thread I’ve done so much with and for ds … he is very loved and I do want to be a good mum to him and I pray this incident doesn’t impact that too much.

@ArregaithelNot really? Across a lot of continental Europe it’s standard (I’ve lived abroad a lot), as long as it’s not done too hard people don’t bat an eyelid, I’ve seen people doing it in the street. My own mother did it and I don’t consider myself to have been abused, she was otherwise a loving, caring parent.
Do I think it’s a good method of discipline? No, but I can understand it in extreme circumstances, everything has a limit.
But people are so black and white about these things.

@Kibble19Not necessarily, out of control kids can be a lot more vicious, whereas a caring parent (as the OP sounds) isn’t going to actually injure their child. Obviously I’m talking about serious parental violence here, that’s entirely different.
I’ve already explained I don’t hit my child. But nor do I think the OP is some kind of monster that needs to leave her family or have social service involvement.

Agree with this. Its not child abuse and gentle parenting never works.

@Wynter25

"gentle parenting never works", wondering how you interpret gentle parenting?

@Arregaithel i think the problem with gentle parenting and a child like ds is that gentle parenting has consequences but natural ones, linked to the crime so to speak. Now with ds any natural consequences impact me, not him, which lead to me getting more and more annoyed and trying to quash it which is largely what happened today.

@leavingthehouseActually someone decking you when you’ve been winding them up repeatedly and being destructive is a natural consequence. But it is one that gentle parents don’t like when it happens to their kid, who finds this out when they’re a bit older and wind up the wrong person.
Please stop winding yourself about this. You’ve had some good advice, try to relax and tomorrow is a new day.