I just lost it with my five year old

[leavingthehouse]

I slapped him across the face. I’m disgusted with myself and am going to make some plans to leave the house as soon as he’s in bed.

All day he’s been … destroying things I guess. He found a sharp stick and scraped the car; he took a paintbrush and ran upstairs with it getting paint all over the stairs, he poured a drink all over the floor, he grabbed a carbon monoxide detector and was grabbing it to make it beep.

I just gave him a shower and turned round and he was squeezing out my shower gel which was a gift everywhere … he’s been told not to do it so many times before. I lost it. It just felt like such a fuck you.

Like I say … I’m hoping to arrange to go. I don’t know what to do about anything. I’ve just lost it.

You have physically abused your child if what you say has happened. That is the threshold for social services involvement. Maybe it's different in England, but where i am in UK, physical assault would absolutely result in a full assessment. A brief smack on the bum is different to a slap across the face. A child protection plan should include parenting course.

leavingthehouse · Today 22:03

" i think the problem with gentle parenting and a child like ds is that gentle parenting has consequences but natural ones, linked to the crime so to speak. Now with ds any natural consequences impact me, not him, which lead to me getting more and more annoyed and trying to quash it which is largely what happened today"

@leavingthehouse my fear for your son is that you really have little understanding and such a lack of self control which is, actually, the bare minimum required as a parent.

Throughout your posts you have completely abrogated your parental responsibility to your child.

You've clung to the platitudes of some posters, oh yes, you're horrified, will try better and in the next breath you say but.... what about me?

Pushed to your limits/so frustrated etc etc... BUT every parent goes through this @leavingthehouse and we don't slap our little ones.

Gentle parenting does not mean being permissive, it means empathy, respect, and understanding but you just seem to be annoyed that your child doesn't give you any peace, you just wish he'd behave and let you be.

"gentle parenting has consequences but natural ones, linked to the crime so to speak. Now with ds any natural consequences impact me,

And what "crime" could a 5 year old commit that would be so heinous that their parent would slap them across the face!!

There is zero excuse for what you did, so accept the platitudes of those trying to minimise, you'll feel that your reaction was somewhat acceptable given what you've had to endure from a five year old child whom you purport to love.

Zero sympathy, do much better @leavingthehouse

You are an adult who knows what they're doing. Do you really think a 5 year old's actions are comparable?

@CandidRobinI was only responding to the “what would you do if your husband did it to you” comparisons. And yes, by 5 most kids do know not to deliberately damage things, especially if they’ve been told repeatedly not to.

But a 5 year old should never expect to be slapped by their mother for being unable to conform to behavioural expectations/norms.

When i was a child in the 80s physical punishment was the norm, it's absolutely not acceptable now. I don't particularly feel that I've been damaged by being smacked although it was generally a tap on the bum/back of the legs and never in rage. I would never do the same to my own children because it's just not ok these days no matter how triggering a little 5 year old is.

I think we’re saying the same thing really. I don’t do it either, but I also don’t think it’s such a huge deal because as you say, it was the norm when we were kids and I don’t feel I was damaged by it. Yet in your other post you’ve told the OP it’s physical abuse and services should be involved. If you don’t think it was abuse in the 80s then it’s not abuse now either.

I get what you're saying, but it is abuse now. Things have changed in 40 years. A slap across the face is different to a smack on the bum.

I was never slapped across the face, i think I would have been damaged if that had happened. I was also never assaulted in rage which i feel this poor child was (although I accept some will say people only hit their children in.rage)

I was told off then smacked (tapped) on the bum/back of legs. It didn't feel uncontrolled. A slap across the face feels reactive. I would never smack my children now.no matter the circumstances because it's just not acceptable in society now.

Also to be clear, about my post saying it was physical abuse and services may be involved...where I live in UK, a slap across the face IS considered physical abuse by children's services.

@CandidRobinI was smacked on the face, it was quite common in the countries I’ve lived in, at least in the 90s, even teachers did it sometimes. I don’t see how it’s any different to a smack on the bum or legs really, a smack is a smack.
Whilst I don’t think it’s great, I think some of the carry on spawned by current parenting books (often written by “experts” with dubious qualifications) is actually more damaging.
All the drawn out, guilt trippy conversations about feelings (“doing X makes mummy sad”), tearful apologies to the kid when you’ve lost your temper, which makes the situation into a bigger deal than it needs to be and they now think something terrible has happened, when otherwise they’ll have forgotten about it in 10 minutes.
I have a friend who’s bought into the likes of Sarah Ockwell Smith and she’s told me that her kids’ behaviour has made her cry. To me seeing your mum helpless and crying is much worse than a smack. Anyway, I fear we’ve hijacked the OP’s thread and I’m tired, so am tapping out.

@Arregaithel i can sit here all night and agree I’m a terrible person. However, ultimately that isn’t helpful. I’m not ‘clinging to platitudes’; I haven’t engaged in a discussion about whether it was right or justified. What I have done is to engage with how to change. That’s what I’m about here.

It’s great that you are going to your GP, push for a referral to MH services but that won’t cut it sadly as services are so underfunded. You need to fix your nervous system right away and seek private psychotherapy - most therapists offer a concession rate. And if part of why you are so deregulated is because DH isn’t supporting, you need to look at marriage counseling and/or therapy for him.

Social services do have a middle ground it’s called early intervention and you can get access to parenting courses. DC will not get removed for you telling them you slapped him once. He might do though if he reports to teachers that you hit him and shout at him. And you might hurt him again if you don’t get the right parenting support and therapy.

Check out your local parenting SEND children peer support networks too, they are invaluable.

As pp have pointed out, it is never a case of children being too annoying, it’s a case of a parent getting too annoyed.

I clearly remember my mum snapping and slapping me once, in very similar circumstances. I deserved it, she lost it, I was not traumatised (just shocked) and my mum and I do get along well (better as adults actually).

Don't get me wrong, it really should be a one off. It's not good parenting but you are human.

What you should be worried about is the apparent complete lack of discipline. My parents would have lost their shit at the first offence. None of that is remotely acceptable for a 5 year old. He has no boundaries whatsoever. You said yourself, that would be normal at 2, not at 5.