I just lost it with my five year old

[leavingthehouse]

I slapped him across the face. I’m disgusted with myself and am going to make some plans to leave the house as soon as he’s in bed.

All day he’s been … destroying things I guess. He found a sharp stick and scraped the car; he took a paintbrush and ran upstairs with it getting paint all over the stairs, he poured a drink all over the floor, he grabbed a carbon monoxide detector and was grabbing it to make it beep.

I just gave him a shower and turned round and he was squeezing out my shower gel which was a gift everywhere … he’s been told not to do it so many times before. I lost it. It just felt like such a fuck you.

Like I say … I’m hoping to arrange to go. I don’t know what to do about anything. I’ve just lost it.

That’s pretty much what I said to DH earlier today, that I feel like we’ve never really left the toddler stage with that sort of behaviour.

This is good advice. You can turn this around op. And today has given you the wake up call to see that this needs to happen. I was there too with ds2, who we now know has ADHD. He was endlessly energetic and cheerfully destructive and once on a roll he couldn't or wouldn't listen. I cried, begged, chased and yes I smacked him too once, shocking myself.

I worked on myself but also developed strategies too. I opted for maximum supervision - I just couldn't relax or take my eyes off him, for a second - and kept anything valuable out of reach. I aimed for exercise/fresh air/swimming to exhaust him. Indoors having a pack of balloons was a life saver. He could chase and wallop them, but do little damage. The bath was a huge help too. He would sometimes have 2 baths a day as he would sit still and play in there. He wouldn't sit and watch much tv at all, and finding activities to occupy him was a case of trial and error, but there were a few games and books that he loved. Cooking was one activity guaranteed to occupy him.

If it's any comfort, most of his teachers really struggled to channel his energy too. He was and is very bright, but exhausting in his own energetic way. He's 23 now and doing well at Uni. Hang on in there.

By the way, when he had extreme days like you have described, he usually spiked a temperature a day or so later. Getting I'll seemed to make his behaviour more extreme.

Hth.

Mumsnet mods. I hope you're reporting this to the Police.

You say you've not really bothered to make a change with it though right? Like laughing instead of correcting. Doesn't sound like ADHD TBH sounds like crappy parenting. Try some courses to do better and also be first to tell school. He will tell someone and social will more than likely be contacted. "Mummy slapped me in the face for squeezing her soap out' or whatever will not sound too good.

I reported to them so hopefully.

The pandering this poster is getting compared to parents who dare to mention they use an occasional spanking as a balance, calm, often faith-based discipline choice is WILD.

Write his behaviour down on a daily basis, after a few weeks speak to the senco at school with what you've got and tell them you want referring for an assessment. You need to push and push. If you think hes SEN get the help you can now. My son isn't medicated weve sat and helped him with his emotions and how to regulate his extra energy. Its not easy and its hard work but it'll help you all in the future

We all have a limit and he’s pushed yours today!! You know what you did and how it’s made you feel so you can only learn from it. Your son sounds very destructive and an absolute whirlwind. I have three boys and they push me to my limit most days. Try not to let the guilt eat you up inside and start with a new day tomorrow.
I always step out of the situation when I feel like my blood is boiling, shutting myself in the toilet or outside the front door and taking a minute to gather myself again. It helps!

Terrible from you, OP. Really, I’m disgusted.

For anyone about to tell me to Be Kind, or to support another Mum in her stress, ask yourself if you’d be so quick to kindness if she was posting about her husband who’d “lost it” and slapped the five year old. Course you wouldn’t.

Hope the kid is ok, and I hope you never do this again.

Slapping a child is never the answer OP, I’m glad you can see that. It sounds like you all need some coping mechanisms and better organisation. There shouldn’t be paint left out for him to run up the stairs with.

So if I go through today, this is what has happened. And as a caveat he had a very late night last night due to a school event, I accept that may have caused some behaviour and it’s been a bad day but kind of the normal end of bad.

This morning he woke at 7. He found a black marker pen in my pencil case and went rogue with it. None went on furniture afaik but he did get it all over himself. Wet himself and soiled himself. Rubbed egg in his sisters hair.

He didn’t want to go to his swimming lesson so DH didn’t take him. He was outside for a bit and this was when he scratched the car. DH (understandably) furious; less understandably dealt with it by going upstairs and lying on the bed and fell asleep. I got younger sibling down for a nap after lunch, ds playing with toys, poo’d on the floor and in his pants.

Went to a party. Crafts are there; ds opened a tube of glitter and spilled it everywhere so ds me and dd look like something out of Twilight but OK apart from that. On the way home ds unbuckled his seatbelt in the car.

Home and ds poured his sisters milk on the floor. Up for shower; while we were going upstairs he grabbed the paintbrush DH was painting with earlier and run upstairs either it getting it all over the stairs. I was close to losing it then and should have stepped away. The shower gel just made me snap. Not an excuse, I’m trying to just honestly explain what built up to it and see patterns …

He’s just got out of bed. And here is a kind of stupid example but I have phonics cards which he throws on the floor multiple times a day; he picks a card up. I say please put it back with the others ds. He starts walking back to bed; I repeat to please put it back, he ignores me, I say it again, he carries on walking. I end up getting up and following him and pointing out that’s four times I’ve asked him to put the card back. So he lets it fall on the floor. I know there are probably strategies, ways of doing things and dealing with this but the problem is they don’t seem to work very well so you end up shouting and losing your temper and I know it must dent his self esteem and self worth.

I’m not making excuses but feel so let down by DH.

No there shouldn’t. But you do kind of get to the point where you can’t have anything; can’t leave pens where he can get them, can’t have nice toys, or shower gel, or anything that he can ruin.

He’s not able to control his emotions he’s 5 but abusing a child is not the way to go and is unacceptable. Your an adult fgs!

Do you know what, if you want to make that point elsewhere then feel free, I don’t mind it’s a TAAT, but I desperately need to know how to manage my son and myself. Because I don’t want to leave my family but feel like maybe I should because I frightened myself. The worst thing is he doesn’t seem bothered at all, but he must be.

Jesus Christ, around the face? Yikes.

Did you leave a mark?

Is he in bed now? What did you do afterwards? How can you make sure this never ever happens again?

I wish I had something that might help, but I don't. I just hope you can work on that asap and it never happens again... kids are testing, but the face?? I can't.

From your update - you have a whirlwind of a child. Some of that behaviour isn’t age-typical, but that’s another point.

With a child like this, you can’t let him have access to wet paintbrushes and black markers, not to mention whatever he had that scratched the car (think you mentioned it in your OP but I can’t remember).

Your husband is clearly half-arsing it. That’s a major issue.

If this was me, I’d be looking at some core changes (how much time spent indoors, how many toys available, punishment for bad behaviour) etc. It seems like the fundamentals need tweaked moving forward.

You are making excuses

"But you do kind of get to the point where you can’t have anything"

No-one has ever said parenting is easy, sometimes you do have to be hypervigilant but even if you've had a day from hell with your child, you should never even think to slap their face!!

I think you need to take some time away from the home.

Do you have somewhere you can go for a few days?

Maybe a routine board, now and next visuals to help his day, strict consequences, so he put paint over the stairs, he cleans it up, he won't get it perfectly clean but just showing the consequence straight away.
Is he toilet trained? Only asking because that could be a sensory thing for him. If hes smearing he may get a sensory input from it. Try using body creams on his arms legs etc.
He doesnt put the phonics cards away and leaves them on the floor. Then he doesnt get to use them the next day another consequence of his actions.
Be firm but your husband had to be firm aswell.

"but I desperately need to know how to manage my son and myself"

Manage yourself first, the results could be a revelation

I don’t @LondonLady1980 . But if DH wants me to I will find something I guess. Part of me wants to but not sure DH would cope on his own anyway.

@Kibble19 look, I didn’t. He went into my handbag and took out my pencil case and DH left the paint not me. But the point is I suppose it’s everything. Like literally … a house where you have to lock pens away, a house where you can’t leave your shower gel at the side of the bath … I really wish I could say yeah totally, we’ll do that but someone will forget. You turn around and something is destroyed or missing or dismembered. I think this is where a lot of parenting advice maybe fails because you just can’t.

How on earth is this a SENCo issue?! Poor sencos deal with enough. The OP needs to find help for herself - babysitter, parenting courses, therapy.

Yes, that is what I’m trying to do. If it was as simple as manage yourself I wouldn’t have got to this point.