Called into school for a meeting

[JewelMonkey]

My 16yr old DS seems to mess around in one of his classes. DS doesn’t get on with the teacher who apparently shouts and looses his temper at the drop of a hat. DS is low level disruptive - messing around with his friend, laughing, sat with his coat on as he was cold etc. He has never, ever been higher level disruptive- no getting angry, no violence or aggression etc, it’s all just petty things. I don’t think DS has any respect for the teacher due to how he acts, and presumably the teacher doesn’t respect DS either. I have had numerous e-mails home from the deputy head regarding laughing in this class and being ‘silly’, I’ve now been asked to attend school for a face to face meeting with the deputy head.

I’ve discussed this with DS so many times, I’ve asked him to toe the line in class like he does in all his other classes. I’ve suggested to the depute that he is moved away from his friend in this class, but still the silliness continues. He is great in all other classes - his teachers know him well, he’s charismatic, funny, loyal and hardworking, he also has funny banter with his teachers, but this one new teacher just looses his mind at the slightest little thing. DS is deflated and doesn’t see the point in trying in this class as the teacher will just pull him up on anything and everything.

how do I handle the school face to face meeting? DS absolutely should be toeing the line, but he is 16 and can be immature- but I don’t feel he’s being badly behaved.

My 16yo is in a class with a boy who sounds just like yours. Let me tell you what it's like from her perspective. She just wants to get on with the lesson without the constant disruptions. It might only be low level, like some giggling, messing around, throwing a pen, but it means Every Single Lesson with this boy is being disrupted by silly, unnecessary, childish behaviour. Every lesson. The class can't just get on, concentrate, listen to the teacher. Because the boy always has to be doing something to irritate someone. It breaks their concentration. It stops the teacher teaching. It might even put him in a bad mood because he's had enough. Does her education deserve to be disrupted?

Does everyone in your son's class not deserve just to have an uninterrupted lesson, just once?

He might not like his teacher. Tough. He needs to just behave. The rest of the class do not deserve this. Respectfully, at 16, he needs to grow up.

Yes, you’re entitled to your opinion @ReadingSoManyThreads but as an experienced (I can head anyone off at the pass) secondary school teacher of a core subject (no pissing around in my lessons as you need this qualification) and Head of Year, I don’t agree with you. I’m in the majority here.
It’s so reassuring to read the many comments which support this teacher. I hope he’s reading them too.
If you’re out there, Mr. Accountancy Teacher, be uplifted.

My kids are adults now but I learned the version of them you get and the version everyone else gets is two very different things.

You won’t get the truth from your son, you’ll get a watered down version where he’s the innocent victim and hasn’t done anything wrong. Teenagers always feel hard done by but the truth is it’s the other kids that are suffering because of the constant disruption to the lessons.

Stop making excuses for him. Other than the laptop story (not sure I’d 100% believe this) he is messing around.

The boy is responsible for his own actions. I have never said that he is responsible for anyone else's actions.

That is quite a leap. Olympian. It is quite possible this is not an experienced teacher, nor one with the best classroom behaviour management, but neither excuses ongoing "low-level" poor behaviour and lack of work from the students. A stern tone from an adult or a slightly raised voice is nearly always now "he screamed at me" it seems. This boy is singling himself out, it sounds like.

I have seen instances like this where a pupil is a bit of an arse, it gets a teacher's back up and then the teacher singles him/her out every single time, even when they don't necessarily deserve it/others don't get told off for the same thing. The mature way to handle it is to tell DS it's tough luck, he's brought it onto himself by misbehaving at the start, he needs to put his head down and listen to the teach every single time, regardless of perceived unfairness. They're the teacher, they have the power, he needs to respect them if he wants to pass school. It may be unfair but such is life.

No he doesn’t. He sounds very annoying and immature. And disrespectful to the teacher and pupils who want to learn.

What consequences are you giving him at home???

I have a Y11 DS who sounds like your DS. Most teachers like him. He’s polite and reasonably academic. Quite a few teachers seem really quite fond of him. But he’s a knob in class much of the time and there are some teachers who have had enough and one or two that single him out. He gets a fair few detentions but is never badly behaved enough to get anywhere near suspension level. Like your DS it’s incorrect uniform, talking in class, not paying enough attention, throwing a pen to a friend. He’s very easily distracted and can be a bit immature. Like you say low level disruption. But, I do not excuse his behaviour. When he told me he’d been singled out by a teacher for stealing something of hers (a piece of school equipment) I said well that’s the price you pay for being a dick and annoying her! He hadn’t stolen it (he’s a dick but he isn’t a thief!) and the school investigated it and several witnesses corroborated that he’d not taken it. However this teacher always brings it up and continues accusing him of stealing it, even though the school dropped it and agreed he hadn’t. Whilst I acknowledge it’s a bit annoying to be not believed by the teacher (even with proof he was telling the truth), but that’s the result of dicking about in her lessons. I certainly don’t expect the teacher to apologise to him!!

So whilst I do understand the teacher is at fault, your DS is also very much at fault and it’s a bit rich to think he’s owed an apology after all the many times he’s shown disrespect and undermined this teacher by laughing at or disobeying rules or instructions. You don’t get to behave like that and then think you’re owed an apology the one time you turn out to be in the right. He’s not earned this teacher’s respect and this is the result. I think you would do better to impress this life lesson on your DS instead of blaming the teacher. The teacher may well be at fault, but when he started teaching your DS’s class presumably he had no pre conceived impressions about any of the pupils. Your DS has earned his reputation and treatment through his behaviour, just as mine has.

Today my DS got 3 negative behaviour points. He tried to explain to me this evening how they weren’t really his fault. I told him his silly behaviour had earned an extra half hour of revision on top of the hour I expect him to do normally. It’s for us parents to reinforce things at home, not legitimise and minimise when our DC behave poorly.

You answer everything with an excuse for him 🤷🏻‍♀️

What parents don’t understand is his low level behaviour will give the green light to other kids to do the same and this makes a teachers job really hard.

Given she is making endless excuses for him I’m guessing no consequences at home 🤷🏻‍♀️

When kids realise teacher and parent not on same side, they play one off the other.

nip in bud, side with teacher, consequences at home. Job done

100% agree. But I think his mum needs to wise up & grow up, too.

Maybe that’s right, but I doubt it frankly

Why should he apologise when he didn’t do anything wrong? Not his fault there weren’t enough laptops.

I agree. Plus we are only hearing the son's version of what happened

That is very patronising. You posted on a public forum. You don’t like the criticism it attracted, but it was courteously (if bluntly) expressed. Tough. You are in part responsible for your son’s behaviour, and his behaviour is unacceptable and selfish. Until you get a handle on that then things won’t improve.

I think thos is an important lesson for your kid. He doesnt have to like the teacher. I dont like every one I've had to work with. He needs to be respectful, not disrupt lessons and follow tge rules. If you don't like your boss you shut the fuck up, toe the line and get on with your work or you get sacked.

As an ex teacher, kids like your son are a PITA. I loved a bit of banter with my kids, but I still needed to be able to teach my class and get through what I needed. So I needed to know that when I said it was time to knuckle down, be quiet, concentrate… etc, it happened. This was to ensure that every child in my room got the education they deserved.

Kids like your son disrupt the class constantly with low level disruptive behaviour. It has a knock-on effect to everyone else.

Please stop making excuses for him. He clearly doesn’t get on with this teacher, which is fine, but he does need to keep his head down and just get on with what he is asked to do. A school year is short, in reality, so it’s not for that long and then he’ll be free of the teacher.

Also do keep in mind that kids don’t always tell parents the whole truth of how interactions with teachers have gone. There is often a lot of exaggerating/twisting of things.

Honestly mud sticks, I'd try and get him moved for a fresh start but regardless of what you think now, his reputation will have been damaged in the school as a result of this. The fact that the head is now getting involved is pretty serious.
Low level messages is so damaging in class and if it's an exam year they will take a zero tolerance approach.

He's a pain. And frankly there are times in life where we all have to get on with people we don’t like. Life lesson.

How are you handling it at home? What punishment is in place for poor behaviour? He is old enough to realise you can’t pick and choose when to behave.

@JewelMonkey I really detested pupils like your son. So disruptive. I just wanted to learn and the "class clowns", "low level disrupters" etc made it hell.
Does sound like the teacher is not dealing with him appropriately. However, I'd just want the trouble-maker out of the class because I wanted to learn.