Called into school for a meeting

[JewelMonkey]

My 16yr old DS seems to mess around in one of his classes. DS doesn’t get on with the teacher who apparently shouts and looses his temper at the drop of a hat. DS is low level disruptive - messing around with his friend, laughing, sat with his coat on as he was cold etc. He has never, ever been higher level disruptive- no getting angry, no violence or aggression etc, it’s all just petty things. I don’t think DS has any respect for the teacher due to how he acts, and presumably the teacher doesn’t respect DS either. I have had numerous e-mails home from the deputy head regarding laughing in this class and being ‘silly’, I’ve now been asked to attend school for a face to face meeting with the deputy head.

I’ve discussed this with DS so many times, I’ve asked him to toe the line in class like he does in all his other classes. I’ve suggested to the depute that he is moved away from his friend in this class, but still the silliness continues. He is great in all other classes - his teachers know him well, he’s charismatic, funny, loyal and hardworking, he also has funny banter with his teachers, but this one new teacher just looses his mind at the slightest little thing. DS is deflated and doesn’t see the point in trying in this class as the teacher will just pull him up on anything and everything.

how do I handle the school face to face meeting? DS absolutely should be toeing the line, but he is 16 and can be immature- but I don’t feel he’s being badly behaved.

So assuming your son is telling you the whole truth, what do you want out of this meeting? And what is realistic?

There may be a bit of a personality clash with this teacher. But the school will never admit that to you.

Your son will have to be better behaved in this class. While at 16 he might not be mature enough to grasp that - surely you are?

The low level disruption to his peers is a separate issue. Of course they should not be disrupted, but from OP's posts, her son is only acting out in this particular teacher's classes. There's a reason for that, because the teacher is bullying her DS.

"If he did this then your "angry" and "abusive" man wouldn't be "angry" and "abusive""

Have a think about what you've just stated. If I had done the dishes on my birthday, my "angry", and "abusive" husband wouldn't have been "angry" and "abusive" towards me. That's true, a small snippet into an abusive marriage I endured. Do you think I deserved the abuse? Because if I'd just done the dishes, he wouldn't have gotten angry at me.

OP's DS does not deserve the abuse from this angry teacher for what she has stated on this thread. Your comment comes across as very victim blamey.

What you are also forgetting is is that people like the OP's DS also take no responsibility for their actions.

Which is not so good.

Yep all about their rights, and the respect they should get without taking any of the responsibilities that go with it

Were you there? Or are you taking your son's word for it that this is what happened? You say you don't feel your son is being badly behaved but the school obviously do. I suggest you stop making excuses for him and tell him to sort his behaviour out in this class or he's going to end up in worse trouble.

I have a daughter and I wouldn't teach her to respect a PITA in her class either. You also realise that most people in authority aren't what you stated either?

👌@FrippEnos.

I didn't say that "most people" in authority are those things, of course not. Nor did I say his peers should be respecting him either. Please read my comment properly before suggesting I've said or implied these things, that I have not.

Very selfish behaviour from your son. Choosing to disrupt a lesson because he doesn’t like the teacher. He is choosing to try and wind the teacher up and in the process taking away other students’ learning time. I would be coming down on him hard at home until he toes the line.

This. His behaviour is not acceptable and it will be affecting other students' education.

@JewelMonkey Two thoughts here.

1. I think you can expect better of him even if others aren’t toeing the line. It’s hard sometimes not to get the giggles when others do, but as a parent and school leader my line would still be that it’s disrespectful and he should be making every effort not to join in. This is an important lesson in respect and self control.
2. That said (and I still think the above is very important), it sounds possibly like this teacher’s responses and practices may be problematic. It’s unusual in my experience of dealing with this sort of thing for the teacher to be the one at fault, but it obviously does happen and sometimes when it does the problems are quite significant and the teacher is really struggling with classroom management.

#2 is not a judgement of the teacher in this case because I would have to see it for myself to really judge. When #2 happens, however, things can rapidly snowball and it can become very difficult very quickly for the teacher to regain control as even the ‘good’ kids jump on the bandwagon. It can become a vicious cycle where so many students are misbehaving that the teacher can’t ’catch’ them all, so the ones who are ‘caught’ feel hard done by (even when they are at fault) and relationships deteriorate further. (Obviously the laptop response is not acceptable if it happened as you described.). If there is an issue with the teacher, then the school needs to step in and support them to reset with the class and build the appropriate skillset.

Nonetheless, it is still incumbent upon each and every young person in that class to choose to behave as far they possibly can within their own emotional capacity and maturity; this is especially the case for those who have good self-regulation and are relatively mature young adults who do actually know how to behave in other contexts. I would argue that your son’s good behaviour in other classes is actually more of a reason for him to behave well here, not less. Ultimately, if your son wants to be in an environment where he can learn, it would be a helpful lesson for him to be part of the solution and not the problem.

I would suggest going into this meeting willing to acknowledge that your son could be choosing different behaviours at times and saying that you will be discussing this with him. I would then say that, despite that, there are aspects of the teacher’s approach that you’re unhappy with as your son feels that he is being singled out at times. I would give a number of specific examples and names of other students who can confirm these where possible. I would approach this by discussing perceptions, say that you want to work with the school to get to the bottom of it, but that you do believe it isn’t solely a case of poor behaviour from your son. I would expect that you might not get direct agreement from the deputy head if they haven’t witnessed the incidents themselves, but hopefully you can expect acknowledgment of your concerns and an agreement to look into them further.

I would suggest ending the meeting by saying that you will speak to his son about his behaviour and your high expectations of him, and will be monitoring the situation going forwards, but that you also want to leave the meeting understanding the next steps from the school. Or, ask the deputy to come back to you within a few days with a plan when they’ve looked into it further.

You said “many” not “most” @ReadingSoManyThreads but you must realise you’re in the minority, provoking some people and have become upset in the process. I suggest you stop reading and responding to this thread.

Your son sounds an absolute nightmare for the teacher and the other pupils who are trying to learn. He's 16 yet he is behaving like a naughty eight year old - extremely immature. This low level disruption is just as bad as any other form of bad behaviour. I assume he is in his GCSE year, too, which means that he is hindering others in the class who want to do well in their exams. Are you sure he is the angel you seem to think he is in all his other lessons? He cannot be the Class Clown all his life. It's time for him to grow up and take responsibility for himself and his actions.

My son’s science set has two characters like this, exacerbated by teacher being a bit soft. Frankly, it has impacted hugely on my son’s enjoyment of the lessons and his ability to get what he needs out of the lesson in his GCSE year. Same happened with my older son same age. You seem to think “low level” disruption is ok because it’s not “high level” disruption. Your son is being immature and selfish, and you are not getting on top of the issue I suspect because you are making excuses for your son. Do better.

Im a science teacher at a secondary school. Teaching a class of 30 students in their GCSE year - with constant low level disruptions, has a big impact on teaching and learning.

I find the comparisons you’re drawing here extremely offensive and undermining to those who have experienced domestic abuse. These aren’t even comparable.

From everything OP has said, her son seems pretty likely to abuse someone himself. He sounds on track to get his very own criminal record at this rate. All this 16 year old is a victim of is his own actions and poor parenting!

Rob him of his spirit!?!

He's messing around and his bad behaviour is stopping others from learning. It's this kind of attitude that encourages disrespectful behaviour.

I said "many", because out of the tens of thousands of people in the UK alone in positions of authority, "many" of them will in fact be abusers etc. That's certainly very different to saying "most", which of course, I did not.

Thank you for thinking of me, I was going to step away, but thankfully that poster's comment was removed.

I am in the minority of people expressing the views that I am on this thread, I clearly see things different to many. I've been there, a teacher in a classroom, and I stand by that any teacher bullying and abusing pupils is unacceptable. I won't stand for that. I don't care if that teacher is provoked, they are the adult and should rise above it, speak with their line manager and follow the school behaviour policy. I'm certainly not intentionally provoking people, just some people clearly don't agree with my viewpoint, and that's ok, because we're all different.

Here’s the thing: if you mess around and p&ss a teacher off for long enough over a period of time then yes, your son will get all the bad attention. He will now have to work extra hard to win that trust back, by showing good attitude and behaviour. Much like life, frankly. You are just swallowing whatever your son tells you, and making excuses for him. So you bear responsibility for how he’s turning out. Get a grip and show your authority, and respect for his teachers, now. Do it now.

My son sounds similar. He has great relationships with the vast majority of his teachers but there are a couple who he clashes with. But we’re really clear, in life you’re not going to get along with everyone, he needs to learn to navigate these different personalities and we won’t tolerate rudeness and quite frankly low level disruption is just rudeness.

I think you need to build resilience in your son to deal with different personalities through life and teach him that rudeness and disruption doesn’t help you in the long run.

You are very credulous if you believe your son’s side of the story on this one. I’d go in to the school prepared to listen.
Your son is messing up the learning of others in the class. It’s selfish and stupid behaviour. Their exams are at stake. Tell him to wind his neck in and grow up enough to think of others.

Yeah, even if we believe what the OP's son says, the teacher's behaviour can't be described as abusive by any stretch of the imagination.

OP 16 is more than old enough to have an appreciation for what a privledge education is. Tbh if I was teaching 16 year olds I wouldn't be pussyfooting around shouting or bending over backwards to teach someone who doesn't have enough respect for me to just stfu and listen. You don't want to learn from me then f off out of my classroom! However you want to dress this up it's entitlement at its finest. Tell your ds that if he thinks he's that clever he should leave school and get a job and join the real world. He's almost an adult nobody's going to wipe his backside any more.