Childminder has just given immediate notice because my 13 month old cried

[minnieot]

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit shaken and upset this morning and could really use some advice or perspective. My little boy (just turned 1) has been at a childminder only a handful of times, probably 4 or 5 sessions in total, as he’s been unwell and off for a couple of weeks.

He went back this morning for the first time in two weeks. Less than two hours after drop off, the childminder rang asking me to collect him because he was “inconsolable” and upsetting the other children by crying. When I arrived, she gave immediate notice, saying he “shouts” (he’s just crying!) and that the other children get distressed when he does, the way she framed it was as if he was some monster because he was upset and not calming down, and that the other children were victims of him crying, because him crying made them upset, but he doesn’t mean to do that, he’s just a baby!

She told me she’s had children like this before and that their parents “left them to cry for a bit” to help them settle, which I’m personally not comfortable with.

He calmed instantly once I picked him up and has been his happy, normal self at home since, eating, playing, cuddling, and now napping with me. I can’t shake the feeling that he wasn’t treated kindly while he was there; he’s lost a lot of confidence and has become clingier and more anxious about separation since starting there. That could obviously be because it was all new, he hasn’t been there much, and hasn’t settled in, but he was a very confident little boy before he started with her, and now he seemed almost anxiously attached to me.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Would you report it to Ofsted or just move on and find something else (or keep him home for now)? I just feel really disheartened and guilty for sending him in the first place, even though I tried to do what I thought was best.

Thank you if you’ve read this far, sorry for the ramble, just feeling quite shocked and confused and hurt

It just sounds like a mismatch between childminder and your DS. Don't feel guilty. You've done nothing wrong. The childminder did give up a bit too easily but I dont think your DS was treated unkindly.

Sounds that he’s just not ready yet.

I don’t think you can report this - it’s not a safeguarding issue. It seems she felt he wasn’t a good fit with her other children which is potentially more of an issue with a childminder than a nursery.

Ofsted?!

Why would you report it?

Thank you all, you’re probably right, I only mention ofsted as she herself told me that I can report it to ofsted if I wish to. I just feel like both my parenting and my child have been criticised so I’m probably taking it to heart too much, but I just doubt this is something that happens often, so it’s made me feel like I must be doing something wrong

I think shes been very honest and children around that age will suffer with separation anxiety. Of course he's happy and content with you, he will be very different with the cm and yes unfortunately some babies cry very loudly for long periods at the setting. Its no ones fault and certainly doesn't indicate she has been unkind to him. I think that she will know the other children very well and has a duty of care to them moreso given that they are exsiting mindees and your boy is new.

Its nothing personal, about you or her or the baby. But she will know if it's not a good fit for him and you should thank her for being honest and move on. Certainly isnt something ofsted worthy, that just sounds like you want to cause trouble for her because she doesnt want to continue having him.

I dont think people underestimate how impacting having a screaming baby is. Yes all babies cry when settling, but some take it up a notch and make it impossible to even talk to the other children. Its not a thriving environment for anyone then.

Good luck.

It's a bit gutting but I too would appreciate her honesty. Difficult situation for you though.

Thank you. I do agree, but I just want to say that I definitely don’t went to cause trouble, that would never be my intent. I’m not a confrontational person even at all, this only happened an hour ago, and I’ve been nothing but kind and understanding but I’m just left in it feels confused, hurt and criticised. I’m not trying to be unreasonable

Oh, OP. It's a blessing really - you don't want him looked after by someone who (at best) doesn't have the scope to look after him how you would want. Hope you find a gentler alternative that works for you.

And this- definitely don't take it personally or as a criticism. You can't suddenly 'make' a child not have separation anxiety.

Thank you all so much. I’m just going to keep him at home with me now and try to balance work around him. It clearly wasn’t the right fit for him so it is for the best, it just came as a shock to me, it seemed quite extreme when he hadn’t even had a chance to settle, but oh well. Thank you again xx

I had a near identical experience - except DD was 2. The childminder called and said she wasn't ready. She was absolutely inconsolable.

A similar situation with DS1 at a day nursery on a trial visit. They didn't ring but I went in earlier than planned to collect him and could hear him crying very loudly when I arrived.

Both children found settings they loved, just those particular ones weren't right for them.

Try not to take it to heart, the right place will be found.

She’s done nothing wrong and of course neither has your DS. I wouldn’t overthink it OP, DS is your precious baby and we would do anything in our power to make them happy but with kindness, talk about reporting her etc etc is emotions talking and is OTT as there is no suggestion whatsoever that DS was mistreated.

Don’t take it personally about you or you little boy. You know he’s wonderful and he sounds it, but it seems like he wasn’t settling as well as hoped which is common. In a nursery it’s not so much an issue as there are other staff members and lots of other children but if there are only 3/4 children and one childminder I can see how it would be difficult for the childminder. She probably had to spend more time with your DS to try to help him settle and she made a choice that she can’t meet all of the children’s needs in that situation. I’m sure your DS will settle somewhere else and this will be a distant memory soon

I agree with others, in that it feels really upsetting but it’s not an uncommon scenario with childminders. I know of two children from different families / areas of the country where the childminder gave notice in a similar way to yours. Both these DCs went on to settle in other settings.

A different childminder might be a better fit, but in both DCs cases I know, they actually went to nurseries instead. I think there’s something about the nursery staff having a bit more back up, and being at work in an external setting rather than their home, which can help them manage different dynamics a bit more.

Also, and this absolutely might not be helpful given you are where you are, but starting with a childcare setting a couple of days a week from DC being about 9 months has helped with settling in my experience, and that of some of my friends. The same child might find it harder to settle if they start when they’re that bit older, but that doesn’t mean that they won’t or can’t - just that they might need a bit more time and reassurance etc.

I’m guessing he’s your only child and he’s probably a bit jealous when the other children are getting attention. Does he mix with any other children apart from when he goes to the childminder?

Nobody has done anything unreasonable here. Kids get separation anxiety, that's not your fault.

She feels like him being there is detrimental to the other children, and that's fine too.

She sounds dreadful. DD had a childminder for a while and some days she was the only child there whilst others were at school. I picked her up once and she was asleep on the CM's 17 yo daughter- apparently she was coming down with something and had spent 2 hours contact napping with the CM before being slipped to the daughter so CM could go for a wee. Why you'd become a childminder if you didn't want to nurture and love babies is beyond me.

I took mine to a private nursery for 2 years. She cried alot and didn't like it. They classed her as clingy and preferring mum. I thought it was normal. I switched her to another nursery as we'd moved and she was perfectly fine with it! It made me feel terrible as they couldn't have been nice people for her to hate it so much. Trust your gut and find a private nursery with more staff then a childminder. That way if he needs one to none attention, they'll have spare staff.

She sounds useless!

This is also unfair and unrealistic. You can be excellent at your job and still face a child which you can see isnt happy, ready, a good fit, etc. Its nothing to do with her being good or bad. She will know more about the situation than you. A few years ago I looked after a little boy and his mummy passed away. I was due to start a new baby the following term. I had to let them down as this little boy and his dad just needed more of me (as well as increased hours as dad was now a single parent) I'd also lost a person I'd become friends with and it was difficult all round. I couldn't tell the new parent without breaking confidentiality so im sure she just thought i was flaky but there was nothing I could do about that.

I think in an ideal world using a childminder is great as it’s a homely setting. But if your child needs 1-1 for a few weeks to settle that is really hard for the childminder to do. Due to having multiple children to care for. It’s normal at your babies age to have separation anxiety as he is used to being with you! Find somewhere that has a few members of staff to help. It will be less stressful for him to be somewhere that can care for him properly.

Just move on and find a CM more suited to you and your little one.

she clearly doesn’t have the capacity for him.

but you will find someone marvelous. There are wonderful CMs.

Where have you got that this is a terrible cm who doesnt love and nurture babies?

Staggering the short sightedness of some posters. She's putting her existing mindees feelings in to account. How would you feel if instead of cuddling your dd, your cm took on a new child which upset your dd so much she was inconsolable. You'd quite rightly feel your cm should consider her current cohort first wouldn't you?

Ive been let down/ children have left far more often than ive ended things. Its never a decision taken lightly.