Childminder has just given immediate notice because my 13 month old cried

[minnieot]

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit shaken and upset this morning and could really use some advice or perspective. My little boy (just turned 1) has been at a childminder only a handful of times, probably 4 or 5 sessions in total, as he’s been unwell and off for a couple of weeks.

He went back this morning for the first time in two weeks. Less than two hours after drop off, the childminder rang asking me to collect him because he was “inconsolable” and upsetting the other children by crying. When I arrived, she gave immediate notice, saying he “shouts” (he’s just crying!) and that the other children get distressed when he does, the way she framed it was as if he was some monster because he was upset and not calming down, and that the other children were victims of him crying, because him crying made them upset, but he doesn’t mean to do that, he’s just a baby!

She told me she’s had children like this before and that their parents “left them to cry for a bit” to help them settle, which I’m personally not comfortable with.

He calmed instantly once I picked him up and has been his happy, normal self at home since, eating, playing, cuddling, and now napping with me. I can’t shake the feeling that he wasn’t treated kindly while he was there; he’s lost a lot of confidence and has become clingier and more anxious about separation since starting there. That could obviously be because it was all new, he hasn’t been there much, and hasn’t settled in, but he was a very confident little boy before he started with her, and now he seemed almost anxiously attached to me.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Would you report it to Ofsted or just move on and find something else (or keep him home for now)? I just feel really disheartened and guilty for sending him in the first place, even though I tried to do what I thought was best.

Thank you if you’ve read this far, sorry for the ramble, just feeling quite shocked and confused and hurt

My ds was with the same CM for 10 years and during that time she asked 2 mindees to leave, it sometimes needs to be done, granted they were older than your dc but she was absolutely spot on ( I knew how both dc were progressing in their early teens), maybe a nursery would be a better fit for you

Yes they do! 'Nearly all....' being the most important part of your post and exactly the point I am making. There will be the occasional one that doesn't.

We had a really similar experience with a childminder and then I found out she did it to some other families as well. They can pick and choose who works in their setting. I thought I was doing the right thing putting my child in a small, domestic setting but in hindsight nursery was much better.

I think the CM doesn't sound great tbh, obviously a child who has only just started so doesn't know the CM or environment massively well and then was away for 2 weeks through illness is going to be a bit unsettled upon his return, I'd have thought that was par for the course? At his age, 2 weeks away is practically starting all over again, especially 2 weeks where I assume he's been with OP all day every day.

And you only dropped him off at 9, then she text saying he was settled 20 mins later, but then she called you to collect at 10.30??? That's hardly any time at all to help him settle back in.

I'd accept this if he wouldn't settle at all after a week or so back with her, but within 2 hours of his return after 2 weeks away? He's only 13 months old, of course he is unsettled.

FWIW OP, my DD was a very clingy baby and I am glad we went for a nursery, I don't think she (or a childminder!!) could have coped as she needed a lot of carrying around/cuddling/comforting at first while she got to know everybody. As someone else mentioned, nurseries have extras pairs of hands to support those who need a little more TLC to settle. I honestly think we would have been served notice from a childminder too, but hopefully after more than 2 hours!

I’ve since posted on a local group and found out that she actually does this regularly, and quite a few other parents have had concerns about her. She has been reported to ofsted before, and now, knowing what I know from other parents, I will be reporting to ofsted again. My gut has been screaming at me for a reason, and I think it may not have been wrong.

Yup, I could see your first couple of reasonable responses wouldn't hold. You just needed a few Internet randoms to cry 'vile' and you'd be straight on sm whipping up a witch hunt. She hasn't done anything wrong. She doesn't have to look after your child 🙄

So exactly which statutory guidance has she breached? Do you know that Ofsted are a regulatory body? They aren't her employer who will tell her off for upsetting a client. That's not what they do!

Good luck finding another childminder after this reaction too.....

OP, looking after your child was an income for her. A childminder won't give notice willy nilly. Perhaps you need to consider that for a moment. She is well within her rights to decide looking after your child isn't worth the money. Go ahead waste ofsteds time if it makes you feel better though.

You're upset now OP but all that happened is that DS went to a nursery that in some way wasn't right for him, the person who ran it told you that and released you from your contract and now you have time to think again. He's happy and relaxed now so whatever happened can't have been that bad. Perhaps he needs a different nursery or longer to get used to a new regime.

Did he have settling in sessions? She sounds absolutely shit!! You should tell OFSTED. Talking about leaving children crying and isn't able to cope with a normal baby crying...it's alarming what you say about how his personality has changed with her. I would not trust a childminder as far as I could throw them. They're on their own with no other staff members and you don't know what they are up to. Makes me absolutely cringe when people use childminders.

"looking after your child isn't worth the money"...you're talking about a baby you idiot! Hardly a monster are they...they're a little baby. A childminder who can't deal with a one year old crying is in the wrong job

Erm how about young child wants his mummy around and mummy isnt

What exactly is your complaint to ofsted going to be?

It’s her business she has the right to choose which children she looks after. She hasn’t broken the law or rules.

YABU

I’ve been told actual concerning information about her, by a fair few people. This isn’t me being scorned, I’m genuinely concerned about the children under her care.

Well done you! You're absolutely not wrong...trust your instincts.

I had almost exactly the same as this with my eldest son with the first childminder I tried. She complained he cried too much and didn’t nap enough. Said other parents were complaining about his crying when they picked-up/dropped off (which I don’t actually believe was true!) She also said he didn’t play independently enough! He was just 9months old and this was day 5 of him attending. I was distraught! We immediately withdrew him with no childcare options in place and us both in full time work! Very stressful but ultimately glad we did it.

Fastforward to him starting at a different childminder two weeks later - he cried a bit sure but she said he was no ‘worse’ that any other baby is age and he soon settled in fine, napped fine and came on literally leaps and bounds. He stayed with that childminder 4 days per week until he started school. My younger child also attending and we still use her care now for wraparound (just to show how much of a ‘right’ fit she was for our family!)

If you aren’t getting the right feeling of care from her, go with your gut and look elsewhere.

Hmm, uh huh. It was just about you being scorned when you posted about her on the local page though wasn't it? Well done, you've handled this really well....

You have no idea what you’re talking about, and you’re looking for an argument where there isn’t one.

Lol never said the baby was a monster but however you want to frame it, the children are the childminders job. She's doing it to earn a living not from the goodness of her heart. Childminders for the most part have no problem finding business, they are in the position to choose who they want to look after. There's no childminder choosing to keep on a baby who doesn't settle and disrupts the rest of the setting unless she's absolutely broke and there's no demand for minding services in the area.

she sounds horrible, your baby is better off out of there. you’ve done nothing wrong

So I think you need to put yourself in the childminder's shoes:

• your child is crying and that is making the other children distressed
• "She told me she’s had children like this before and that their parents “left them to cry for a bit” to help them settle, which I’m personally not comfortable with."

I honestly don't think she is saying you child is too old to cry or should know how to behave better. However, clearly, unlike at home, at the childminders he won't be the only child. The childminder can't always just let

• child 1 wet themselves
• child 2 go hungry
• child 3's mum be late for work

because your child is crying for a random reason, making others cry and won't stop until she's comforted him. It's not wrong per se that you aren't comfortable with letting him cry, but it's not fair on him, or the childminder, or the other kids, if he cannot ever wait because you teach him that if he is a little upset he must keep crying and upset himself more, and maybe upset others, because she can't drop all this instant to attend to him.

The bottom line is if you really don't want your child to be left to cry, you need to be either looking after him yourself or paying for someone to have him one-to-one, so that when he cries there will always be someone who doesn't urgently need to do anything else there for him.

So I either follow the advice that responding to my baby’s cries is more beneficial, or I don’t follow that advice, with potentially detrimental consequences long term, for the convenience of other people? You can’t do right from doing wrong as a parent. He’s been fine every other time with her, the more I’ve sat with this, the more I think that her letting him go was a blessing in disguise

I think she's in the wrong job if she can't cope with a baby crying....
Perhaps your son has spidey senses.

Are you that childminder?
sensible responses were saying that this is not a good childminder

of course she did something wrong.
according to childminders own records the baby was settling very well. (Was she lying then?)’
then after illness baby was unsettled for 20 mins and she told OP baby is not fitting in and needs to be picked up. Does she not know babies can cry and doesn’t know how to handle this? She’s not got CM skills then.

there are plenty of shit childminders out there