Childminder has just given immediate notice because my 13 month old cried

[minnieot]

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit shaken and upset this morning and could really use some advice or perspective. My little boy (just turned 1) has been at a childminder only a handful of times, probably 4 or 5 sessions in total, as he’s been unwell and off for a couple of weeks.

He went back this morning for the first time in two weeks. Less than two hours after drop off, the childminder rang asking me to collect him because he was “inconsolable” and upsetting the other children by crying. When I arrived, she gave immediate notice, saying he “shouts” (he’s just crying!) and that the other children get distressed when he does, the way she framed it was as if he was some monster because he was upset and not calming down, and that the other children were victims of him crying, because him crying made them upset, but he doesn’t mean to do that, he’s just a baby!

She told me she’s had children like this before and that their parents “left them to cry for a bit” to help them settle, which I’m personally not comfortable with.

He calmed instantly once I picked him up and has been his happy, normal self at home since, eating, playing, cuddling, and now napping with me. I can’t shake the feeling that he wasn’t treated kindly while he was there; he’s lost a lot of confidence and has become clingier and more anxious about separation since starting there. That could obviously be because it was all new, he hasn’t been there much, and hasn’t settled in, but he was a very confident little boy before he started with her, and now he seemed almost anxiously attached to me.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Would you report it to Ofsted or just move on and find something else (or keep him home for now)? I just feel really disheartened and guilty for sending him in the first place, even though I tried to do what I thought was best.

Thank you if you’ve read this far, sorry for the ramble, just feeling quite shocked and confused and hurt

If another baby was crying I'd expect her to set up the other babies with things to do and console the upset baby- all of them will cry at some point. You'd expect a CM to know that babies cry. The fact that her first solution was to call the Mum and get rid of him from the setting doesn't sound very nurturing to me.

This is not a good childminder

I think it’s a good thing that you have discovered early on that this childminder, for whatever reason is not suited to caring for your child.
I would have thought a person who is experienced in child care would be able to settle a distressed child. She may have been unable to as she didn’t have the personal skills, or she didn’t have the capacity as she was already stretched looking after her existing charges.
Whatever the reason if I were you I would be relieved to have discovered it so soon.
I hope you find another more suitable childminder.
I’m a granny who does more childcare than I would have chosen, 5 days a week, as we struggled to find childcare for my grandchildren. So I do sympathise with you! In our area all the well respected childminders are booked up. I live in hope of getting a place before the youngest starts school in 3 years time.

I think she probably took on too many children and realised it this morning. That is why she appeared stressed and it's why she has deflected to try to make you feel it's your fault. It absolutely isn't.

Have loads of cuddles! You have done nothing wrong. Not one thing.

I was a nanny for a child around that age that cried just wanting his mum. He wasn't badly treated he just wanted his mum which I think is normal at that age but it would be difficult if I had been minding a lot of other children at the same time.

I wouldn't report her but she wasn't very kind or understanding towards your son and should have allowed him more time to settle.

Time to find a better childminder, maybe one that doesn't take on many children at any one time.

This sounds like more than crying. And these other children won't be settled by an activity (clearly she will have tried that!) when a baby they dont know is there screaming in the room and no one can hear themselves think let alone talk.

And it won't be the cms first idea. I dont think you have a clue.

I'd be grateful that the childminder has shown very early own that she doesn't have the skills to settle in young children. A crying child with separation anxiety is probably how I would describe every child at that age. It's her job to settle them and make them feel calm and welcome. She clearly doesn't have the skills to do that or is choosing the easy way. You really dodged a bullet there, OP. It's nothing to do with your parenting skills or your son. She is not very good at what she does.

DD was inconsolable at nursery at first. Good thing they didn’t give immediate notice or I’d have been up the proverbial creek without a paddle!

I think anyone acting like there’s anything wrong with a one year old being distressed when separated from his mother is not someone I’d want to look after my children anyway.

Poor baby ❤️ it’s got to be nursery (more staff members) or nanny (1:1 attention) IMO. She sounds inexperienced and unprofessional.

I’m surprised so many people think this is ok for the child minder to do this. It feels like normal settling in (young child at prime separation anxiety point) with a few visits that the child minder can’t seem to cope
with. Does she normally do babies or does she mainly have older toddlers?

It might be that she feels she’d be over-stretched taking on a baby but she shouldn’t have had you as a client at all if she can’t cope with prolonged crying while a child is settling.

The irony of posters criticising the childminder for 'taking the easy way' when they are doing exactly that with their posts: making snap oversimplified judgments about a complex situation affected by lots of things (the child and their previous experiences, developmental stage, environment and whether it's similar or different to what they're used to) and assuming it's the childminder and her lack of skill. Misogyny comes into it too (doesn't it always with people's entitlement and caring professions). I know many wonderful skilled childminders and occasionally they have a baby or toddler who isn't ready to be in a childcare setting. Nothing they do can change that- what's needed is time.

Having an inconsolable baby is distressing for the childminder and the other children, and the childminder has to consider everyone's best interests including your baby.

I think 5 sessions of inconsolable crying is reasonable for the childminder to decide it isn't a good fit.
Don't take it personally, don't catastrophise.
Complaining to Ofsted would be malicious.

Report her for saying that it’s not working?

I’m just left in it feels confused, hurt and criticised.

I’m not sure that either of you are ready.

No one’s done anything wrong here. The situation just is what it is. Don’t dwell on it and definitely don’t get OFSTED involved.

I had simular and I was the one who terminated the contract. I also had a three year old with them. I'd never seen thr three year old so scared to go somewhere before. He told me they would shout at the baby and him for playing. I'm sure that was an oversimplification of the situation due to his age. But between that, his reaction to going there and constant texts to pick him them up early due to 'loose bowel movements' I couldn't continue.

You have to follow your gut. These childminders had amazing reviews for after school care. But they were awful with little ones and shouldn't have taken is on.

I've been a childminder for a long time and haven't had an inconsolable baby to be honest, especially not after a few sessions.
So I would not find this normal to be honest and would also think it isn't the right time or setting for the child.

I honestly think from the way the childminder dealt with the event and the aftermath that they are at least part of the problem and probably not a very good childminder. You probably haven't had one because you've got the skills to deal with it!

How many sessions a week does your child do? Being cynical, I wonder if she’s got a child on her waiting list that wants more hours than you do or one of her current mindees want to increase their hours.

She gave half a dozen sessions, how long would be acceptable to you?

Either way, if the baby can't cope or the childminder can't cope then surely it's much better for her to be upfront about it?

I've worked in childcare and I would report it to OFSTED. It isn't a safeguarding issue but it should be taken into account when they are assessing the quality of the provider. I'd maybe see if they're on childcare sites and leave a review there too. I think prospective parents should be aware of what has happened so they can decide if the childminder is the right fit for their child.

I just want to clarify as well, that other than his very first session, she had praised him for settling so well “better than the other little boy that started at the same time” even, she said.

these were his notes from the last 3 sessions before this one so you can hopefully somewhat see what I mean:

”(CHILD’s NAME) has been amazing! Much more settled.
Communicating his needs non verbally, lots of happy babbling.
So many smiles, laughing and cuddles.
Eating brilliantly !
Well done (CHILD) upward and onward“

“(CHILD) has enjoyed his day he is making friends gradually as he observes the others playing, communicating verbally and gesturing.
He has engaged well during sing a long time.
He has only cried when tired or told no, overall lots of lovely smiles.”

“(CHILD) settled very quickly once he waved good morning to everyone.
He has enjoyed lots of outdoor play in the garden, sing a long time with musical instruments and story time.
The only tearful time when he woke from his nap, he soon settled.
(CHILD) has eaten very well today.“

This is the problem with childminders.. particularly in an in-demand area. They can cherry pick the ‘easy’ children. And why wouldn’t they? It’s the difference between a nice job and an awful one and it benefits the other children who attend. It is crap for you though and sounds like she gave up very quickly on a baby who was crying. I don’t think him being upset is an indication he was treated unkindly.. just that he wanted mummy and nobody else would do.

What nasty behaviour!