Childminder has just given immediate notice because my 13 month old cried

[minnieot]

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit shaken and upset this morning and could really use some advice or perspective. My little boy (just turned 1) has been at a childminder only a handful of times, probably 4 or 5 sessions in total, as he’s been unwell and off for a couple of weeks.

He went back this morning for the first time in two weeks. Less than two hours after drop off, the childminder rang asking me to collect him because he was “inconsolable” and upsetting the other children by crying. When I arrived, she gave immediate notice, saying he “shouts” (he’s just crying!) and that the other children get distressed when he does, the way she framed it was as if he was some monster because he was upset and not calming down, and that the other children were victims of him crying, because him crying made them upset, but he doesn’t mean to do that, he’s just a baby!

She told me she’s had children like this before and that their parents “left them to cry for a bit” to help them settle, which I’m personally not comfortable with.

He calmed instantly once I picked him up and has been his happy, normal self at home since, eating, playing, cuddling, and now napping with me. I can’t shake the feeling that he wasn’t treated kindly while he was there; he’s lost a lot of confidence and has become clingier and more anxious about separation since starting there. That could obviously be because it was all new, he hasn’t been there much, and hasn’t settled in, but he was a very confident little boy before he started with her, and now he seemed almost anxiously attached to me.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Would you report it to Ofsted or just move on and find something else (or keep him home for now)? I just feel really disheartened and guilty for sending him in the first place, even though I tried to do what I thought was best.

Thank you if you’ve read this far, sorry for the ramble, just feeling quite shocked and confused and hurt

It’s difficult for the childminder as she will likely be there alone or employ one or two other people. In a nursery they would have loads more staff to direct more one on one care to a child who needs more attention and support settling in, whereas you can’t take away the childminder who has no back up from the other children. That’s the reason she won’t be able to stick it out. It’s not personal, try not to take it that way although I would probably be disheartened too.

This post is so staggeringly ungrateful. You're slagging off the people who comforted your upset child? You have an issue with the CM going for a wee? What???

She has to balance the needs of all the children. Prolonged crying can be very upsetting for everyone. It's good she's been honest and told you early on that a baby with separation anxiety who has cried for 2 hours is more than she can properly look after in her group setting.

Some crying is to be expected and can generally be managed. 2 hours with no dign of stopping isn't good for anyone and is more than most would expect.

Did he have settling in sessions? How did those go?

It's possible him being under the weather isn't helping. It will make it a lot harder to settle him if he's also not feeling well.

As you are able to wait I'd give it a while and then view some other childminders or nurseries. Perhaps a smaller setting or staff members that can take turns comfirting him as well as him feeling better and being a ittle older is what is needed.

What skills would they be? Are you a childminder? Because I really really don't think some people understand just how upset some babies can get.

What? I'm saying that this is what a lovely childminder does. They comfort your child and hold them, even if takes hours or if they need their teenage daughter to step in, because they are babies and that's what babies need.

Also to clarify, he wasn’t crying for the whole two hours. He cried when I dropped him off, and then she texted me 20 minutes later to say that he had settled straight away and was happily playing, then at 10:30 she texted asking me to pick him up (I dropped him off at 9)

It's this session specifically the childminder is complaining about - see the most recent updates from OP.

Oh sorry, I totally got the wrong end of the stick there 😳

But by your own admission your child was the only one there. Piece of cake to sit and cuddle a sleeping baby when you haven't got others who also need you....

Ofsted can’t do anything to help you. There’s nothing “wrong”with what she did. Maybe not fair, maybe needed more time, but sounded like this was the wrong match and she was super honest and up front. I’d prefer to know the truth rather than have my kid crying.

She sounds very shit, OP. I'd bet she was overwhelmed and stressed and just thought 'sod this'. Not what you want in a childminder. Breathe a sigh of relief that you dodged a bullet.

This thread should get pinned to every post that claims childminders are more caring than nurseries.

She sounds vile. At my DD’s nursery upset babies and children are held and soothed. Not considered an inconvenience. Separation issues are normal and to be expected. Not reacted to hysterically by someone who likes to leave kids to cry 😢

Lucky escape there @minnieot

'Vile' because she doesn't want the baby to be upset? Right...

I think it’s unfortunate it hasn’t worked out but ultimately I’d be grateful she was honest with you. Try not to view it as a criticism of you or your child. Childminders don’t have the same resources a nursery does. So she will have to take into account the dynamics of the existing group. It sounds like it just wasn’t a good fit.

Nursery might be a better setting, some charge per hour or half days so they don't have to stay the whole day to start. Also more staff that are used to dealing with separation anxiety.
Unfortunately it does take a few weeks to settle anxious children sometimes, you just need to find someone more patient.
You can also get nannies that will come to the house to provide care so that may be an option.

It was obvious that was what you meant 🙄 some people just look for anything to squabble about!

As much as honesty is good I think it should be professional honesty and having the parent come away feeling as the OP does isn’t professional at all.

My children went to a tiny nursery where there were around 25-30 children in the whole place at any one time. Only 12 places in the 0-18 mths room and 5 staff. It meant the allocated key worker/1-1 could be ‘chosen’ according to the child’s preference. Just another thing to add to the very long list of reasons we preferred nursery to any other option.

Yes I have experienced similar and no I didn't report it to Ofsted. I just decided it wasn't a good match for my DC and found another setting.

It was an incredibly stressful time and I considered giving up my job but actually it did all work out and DC had a brilliant time at the new setting.

Please don't see it as a reflection on you or your DS. It's just not a good fit and the childminder should have been more honest about it without blame attached.

I had a friend who was a child minder, she would do a trial morning and if they started to cry when the mum was leaving would tell the mum's they will be fine in a little while, she was extremely good with small children. But one day the child cried the whole time the mum was gone despite her best (very experienced) endeavours so she immediately told the mum it's not going to work out.

It's not personal and it's probably best for you all.

Just also wanting to say, I had similar with my dd’s first childminder. I just think it wasn’t the right fit/ childminder didn’t want to be bothered with my dd! I then found an amazing childminder where she was happy for years. Look again for someone else!

what would you report to ofsted exactly? It sounds like you are not singing from the same hymn sheet . That’s it. Hardly grounds for reporting the poor woman !

Yes, on this occasion, however, there were other occasions when DD or another baby was upset and she had a range of strategies to calm them down.

Similarly, on the day that DD refused to get dressed because she didn't want to go to nursery after an argument with her friend, I called the nursery and they immediately said to bring her in, in pyjamas if necessary, and they would soothe her. I did exactly that, putting her clothes in her bag for later- they got the other children involved in playing with playdough, sat down in a quiet corner with a beanbag and some stories, chatted about what had happened the previous day and helped her and the friend resolve it. That's the purpose of childcare providers, to nurture and provide space for children to get through hard emotions.

Because she had such a strong springboard provided by nursery and her childminder, she is now very independent and has strategies of her own to manage arguments with friends and feelings of sadness or discomfort, which is exactly why good quality early childcare is so useful for emotional regulation.

What is nasty about that? If you had a child who cried a lot would you want them to end up with this childminder?

You've already said you don't feel comfortable with letting the little ones cry, so what is there to complain about? She did the right thing in contacting you, yet you are worrying he had been mistreated. No wonder the little chap is anxious, you need to manage yourself better.

Absolutely if I had a child who cried a lot and it wasn't the right setting for them I'd want to know!

Writing bad reviews and reporting to Ofsted in order to ruin someone's livelihood because you didn't get your own way is vicious behaviour. Hopefully just online bravado and not something you'd do to someone in real life.