Childminder has just given immediate notice because my 13 month old cried

[minnieot]

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit shaken and upset this morning and could really use some advice or perspective. My little boy (just turned 1) has been at a childminder only a handful of times, probably 4 or 5 sessions in total, as he’s been unwell and off for a couple of weeks.

He went back this morning for the first time in two weeks. Less than two hours after drop off, the childminder rang asking me to collect him because he was “inconsolable” and upsetting the other children by crying. When I arrived, she gave immediate notice, saying he “shouts” (he’s just crying!) and that the other children get distressed when he does, the way she framed it was as if he was some monster because he was upset and not calming down, and that the other children were victims of him crying, because him crying made them upset, but he doesn’t mean to do that, he’s just a baby!

She told me she’s had children like this before and that their parents “left them to cry for a bit” to help them settle, which I’m personally not comfortable with.

He calmed instantly once I picked him up and has been his happy, normal self at home since, eating, playing, cuddling, and now napping with me. I can’t shake the feeling that he wasn’t treated kindly while he was there; he’s lost a lot of confidence and has become clingier and more anxious about separation since starting there. That could obviously be because it was all new, he hasn’t been there much, and hasn’t settled in, but he was a very confident little boy before he started with her, and now he seemed almost anxiously attached to me.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Would you report it to Ofsted or just move on and find something else (or keep him home for now)? I just feel really disheartened and guilty for sending him in the first place, even though I tried to do what I thought was best.

Thank you if you’ve read this far, sorry for the ramble, just feeling quite shocked and confused and hurt

I think it’s the way it’s done that warranted the nasty comment.

Someone saying ‘look, I know this might not be what you want to hear but Oliver is so distressed when you leave him it makes managing his needs and the other children difficult. A different setting with more staff might suit him more; would you like some recommendations?’ is unlikely to cause upset. ‘Your child’s a nightmare; you need to leave him to cry as he’s turning into a spoilt little shit!’ obviously would (as an example!)

How long did you spend settling him with the CM and how often is he there each week?

If you didn't do a bit of settling where you left him for progressively longer sessions, and also are perhaps only using her a couple of times a week, he will be very confused about it and feel abandoned. You've beem unlucky to have a disrupted start with illness.

You can't expect one to one care in a childcare setting. If he's used to you dropping everything the instant he fusses, he may be crying very easily and expecting the same level of attention, which can be a real nightmare for another caregiver to handle.

It's not to ruin their business. It's to help other parents make an informed decision. That's the whole point in reviews. OFSTED reports are also there to help parents make an informed decision. If you were looking for childcare or school would you not be reading the reviews and OFSTED report and hoping it was a true reflection of the setting?
There's nothing vicious about it at all.

I think if you read the title of the OP, you do come across as vicious and angry.

This is in no way an Ofsted issue, Ofsted ensure the EYFS requirements are put into place they don't deal with complaints about how a provider worded notice.

I come across as vicious and angry? I'm genuinely confused. I'm not angry about anything and I'm not vicious.
I have a child who had separation anxiety, luckily his first childcare setting was right for him, it took a long time but he did eventually settle. I read OFSTED reports and reviews before choosing the setting and really appreciated them helping me make the right decision. If I read something about a certain setting not being good with children who cried a lot I would appreciate having that information and knowing not to send my child there.

OFSTED view all complaints made and use them as part of their inspection of the setting. It is dependent on the provider being honest and showing them what complaints were made unless someone contacts OFSTED directly to inform them of the complaint.

I'm saying that this is what a lovely childminder does. They comfort your child and hold them, even if takes hours or if they need their teenage daughter to step in, because they are babies and that's what babies need.

What about a childminder who has 3 children under 2, and no teenage daughter? They can't hold all the children all the time. A child who cries continously if they aren't held can be a real issue in childcare setting, its really disruptive to the other kids and can leave the childminder feeling they have to devote more attention to that child at the expense of the others.

Indeed but that’s the drawback isn’t it? That’s why I always find it a bit surprising when it’s insisted on here childminders are so much better than nurseries for very little children as it stands to reason one person will struggle to meet the needs of a lot of children.

That said some childcare providers use witchcraft to settle children, so who knows!

These tactics work when a child is already settled there and was just having an off day or is a lottle older who can understand they have been dropped off but will be collected . Babies cannot be comforted by a stranger, that's normal and tbh, more worrying if they can. They are rightfully nervous and cautious and scared and want their parent. Not because the childminder is a bad person, but because they have no bond yet. You can't support emotional regulation to a baby in a fight or flight panic response. I don't think you've ever been a cm in this situation so you have a very limited POV.

So what do you recommend, that no one uses childcare for an under 2? That probably sounds more contentious than intended but I genuinely don’t know what you’re trying to suggest!

Oh calm down for goodness sake. I've already told that poster I got the wrong end of the stick and apologised. Christ almighty, stop stirring.

If you can keep him at home for a bit longer I really would.

Not at all! I'm a childminder. I'm saying just because the cm couldn't continue having him, doesnt mean she's vile/ unkind/ shit as was stated uptrend. I'm saying its a difficult situation for all and most babies do settle, but it's not uncommon if a baby doesnt, thats's just how it goes.

Fair enough! I think it’s in the manner of giving notice; there are definitely softer approaches than others.

I've been doing some short courses at a local stay and play, my seventeen-month-old does max 20 minutes in crèche before she cries inconsolably for me and I have to go and get her. It's not fair on her or any of the kids (or staff) to be stuck in a room crying for me.

I think your ds might be happier in a nursery setting. There are more staff so although your little one has a key worker he also spends time with the other staff
Not so intense as with one minder if for some reason the baby and child minder are a 'bsd fit". Also more structures as not in a home and inevitably a bit around the needs of the home. At nursery things tend to happen at the same time in the same way every day which can add to a sense of security for some babies.Also more staff so one can settle and upset baby away from the others so they don't get upset as well. You can also call in/ check in by camera more often. I would leave it a few months then try again with nursery. Most children love their childminder but if it's not working for your baby no harm in trying a different setting.💐

The CM isn’t obligated to take your child if he doesn’t settle or fit in with the small setting she has. This isn’t an Ofsted issue. Presumably she has experience of children that are very difficult to settle and can tell when it’s not going to work.

You’ve taken it terribly personally and need to calm down before doing something like reporting her.

I misunderstood too. I thought ‘how lovely that the teenage daughter was there to cuddle the child - what’s wrong with that?’

There's nothing to report.

@shiningstar2

Sadly, judging from friends experiences lately with nurseries leaving their children to cry, singing over them in a loud voice when they’re crying or completely ignoring them while chatting and laughing with co workers and a large staff turnover of people I personally wouldn’t like looking after my children, nurseries aren’t always a good place.

This I agree with, but we werent there and I suspect OP is feeling sensitive and any way told, she would have taken it personally. People do as they see it as personal rejection of their baby. Cm will also be disappointed, its a lot if work advertising and signing up new children. It won't have been a decision taken lightheartedly.

@VikaOlson

You are correct, Ofsted would not get involved in this.

As evidenced by this thread parents can get irrational when handed notice even if it’s for the best as in this case. If their child doesn’t settle it’s immediately the CM’s fault or accusations start flying that the CM must have been unkind or is ‘shit’.

Ofsted purposefully don’t get involved in contractual issues such as giving notice. They know CM’s should be honest and transparent if a child doesn’t settle and that it’s in the child’s best interest.

The attitude to CM’s generally is ‘how dare they’ on these threads.

Saying that a baby "cannot be comforted by a stranger" is a bold and bizarre statement from a childminder. It is your job to settle babies in your care, you will be a stranger to all of them on day 1. There's relatively few babies who are happy to start childcare on the first day but nearly all of them quickly settle with a kind and soothing adult, despite the fact that person is a stranger to them.

Would the childminder have done this if OP was a nurse, paramedic, teacher, or another job where someone just can’t leave 2 hours into the working day and find alternative childcare for the next day? OP, I would try to find a nursery place.