What should I do if they realize I don’t want to be a parent after having a child?

[NoisyUmberMentor]

I became a parent a while ago, it wasnt planned, my partner wanted to keep it. I agreed, more or less to give it a shot for our relationships sake, even though I wasn’t sure I truly wanted to be a mother.

Now that the child is here and a few months have passed, I’m realizing that I made the wrong choice, not because of the child, but because I dont want it. Im not happy with it. I find no joy in being a mother. There is nothing in it for me, i know thats not what parenting is about “getting something from it”. You put a life into the world without getting something in return, thats kinda the whole thing. But still, I am just unhappy with this all and its affecting pretty much everything else aswell. Im not cut out for this.

I want to say, my partner, as far as Im aware, is doing a good job. He is happy. So its not that i am doing this alone. He is great with it. Im just not.

Im either losing my partner, or im sticking with something that is incredibly depressing to me and affecting my relationship with my partner negatively anyways. Like the relationship is at an all time low. We dont fight, but its just not what it was before. Stress on both ends. We both work and do parenting.

Im lost on what to do. No matter what i do, i feel like im doing the wrong thing. Im contemplating options and none are good. I feel stuck.

That’s actually a good approach for now.
Have a list of things beyond their basic care.
Things like
—hug and kiss regularly. Kissing every time you pick them up
-talking to them when you’re doing something else with them like feeding or changing their nappy
-take them out and tell them about the things you see
-respond to them when they want to interact with you. Even if, rarely, it’s “not right now baby, mama’s busy”

when you have to do all that and work, somethings not going to go too well. Your well-being, your baby or your work is going to suffer. Perhaps all 3.

I’m sorry for your experience and understand your reply in light of that, but the op hasn’t said anything that indicates she will be abusive or give an awful childhood. She just doesn’t want to do it and I don’t think that’s a good enough reason to abandon a child, for anyone.

I have experienced, and can therefore see this from both sides. I was an unloved, inconvenient child of a cold woman totally unfit to be a mother.

On the flip side I always wantetd to have children and being a mum is the best thing I ever did. To see the difference in relationship between my DCs and me and me and my mother is both heartwarming and heartbreaking.

I think you underestimate how difficult it would be to pretend 24/7 for your child's whole life that you felt something you didn't.

Why would a child being brought up by a loving single father, or adopted not be better than by a mother who's true feelings would inevitably show themselves at times however hard she tried to keep them in check?

If your parent wasn’t there (as it appears to be in OPs case), of course, you’ll struggle to parent adequately, and that’s what you’ll teach your children -it becomes inter generational- until you decide to break the cycle and seek help, put extra effort, and repair.

You think Op is capable today of deciding confidently she will never in her life love her child, and you think she should pack a bag and go?

Ha ha - no I was technically a lunch break when someone messaged me asking for something urgently! So I paused on the post, went to do the task then forgot what I had been doing 😂😂😂

Yes, I think that's exactly what she should do IF SHE thinks that's what she should do. And yes I do think she is capable of making the decision. Are you suggesting that she somehow lacks capacity, on the basis that you don't have the empathy to understand how she feels?

Hello, OP.
I’m so sorry that your life just now isn’t feeling right for you. I’m also sad to see some of the more unsympathetic replies on this thread. I have an idea of how you’re feeling, but I guess for most women the urge to have children is there and they can’t imagine anything different, or put themselves in your shoes. Social conditioning and biology, expectations that are placed on women.
If you feel you’ve explored the possibility of post natal depression or any other health issues in depth and are satisfied this isn’t the cause of your feelings, and feel you can’t give yourself any more time to see if the situation improves, then it might be time for a sit-down, make or break talk with your partner. Is he prepared to take on full custody? Do you or he want your relationship to end, or to continue but live separately? Would you like to have access? Is there a way you could trial a preferred option to see how you all get on? Are you ready for the inevitable comments you’d receive? When it comes to children, people always feel they have the right to ask intrusive questions of women, and make personal comments, so you’d need to think how these would be handled, by you and your partner. What will you tell the child, how help them through it as they get older? There’s a lot to discuss. Don’t do anything rash.
I’ll be thinking of you and I hope you can work things out for all of you.

A few months after child birth, while suffering from insomnia, working full time at the same time as looking after your baby, having relationship troubles, a mother is most likely not in the right space to decide something like that and fully consider the huge consequences.

You are not in the position to assess her and know if her thoughts are not those of a person suffering from depression - your advice is very irresponsible, imo.

Op must absolutely seek every and any help she can get and not do this alone.

What a lovely, insightful and kind response. I agree.

What is irresponsible is people telling this poor woman that there must be something "wrong" with her because she doesn't slot neatly into their idea of a "normal" woman or mother. The OP never wanted to be a mother but seemed to be pressurised into it after she accidentally got pregnant. She's given it 11 months, a fair go imo, and still knows she's not cut out for motherhood.

How is people telling her that she is unwell over and over helping? What i can see driving her over the edge is this narrative that she is either unwell or some sort of freak to feel the way she does. Her feelings are maybe unusual in the grand scheme of things but valid nonetheless and should be respected.

Them would be grammatically correct and less dehumanising. Go to the doctor first and if after help you feel the same way let the Dad be primary carer.