What should I do if they realize I don’t want to be a parent after having a child?

[NoisyUmberMentor]

I became a parent a while ago, it wasnt planned, my partner wanted to keep it. I agreed, more or less to give it a shot for our relationships sake, even though I wasn’t sure I truly wanted to be a mother.

Now that the child is here and a few months have passed, I’m realizing that I made the wrong choice, not because of the child, but because I dont want it. Im not happy with it. I find no joy in being a mother. There is nothing in it for me, i know thats not what parenting is about “getting something from it”. You put a life into the world without getting something in return, thats kinda the whole thing. But still, I am just unhappy with this all and its affecting pretty much everything else aswell. Im not cut out for this.

I want to say, my partner, as far as Im aware, is doing a good job. He is happy. So its not that i am doing this alone. He is great with it. Im just not.

Im either losing my partner, or im sticking with something that is incredibly depressing to me and affecting my relationship with my partner negatively anyways. Like the relationship is at an all time low. We dont fight, but its just not what it was before. Stress on both ends. We both work and do parenting.

Im lost on what to do. No matter what i do, i feel like im doing the wrong thing. Im contemplating options and none are good. I feel stuck.

Can you tell us more about the birth OP?

I need to be a bit direct here. You have that sense of obligation, because you chose to bring the child in to the world, and now it is your duty to raise them with kindness, whether you regret it or not. Leaving your child, albeit financially catered for, is a terrible thing to do, for their mental health. I’m sorry you don’t enjoy it or get a lot from it, but ultimately, the child’s needs are a priority here due to their vulnerability and total dependence upon you and their father.

You should be thinking about ‘how can I accept this situation I don’t want to be in and make the best out of it’, and pps have given practical suggestions. Leaving your child altogether (if I am understanding correctly that you are considering) should not be an option on the table at all.

I felt the same during the first few months, by the time they were 8 months old I loved the pants off them, but it's still hard and a grind.

You need to throw money at the situation in the form of a nanny. You'd need to throw money at it if you left anyway, so just do that now and it will help. You need to carve out night chunks of you-time. Get a nanny who can do a few nights a week too, so you get full nights sleep at least some time.

You also need to read baby sleep books because the sooner the baby sleeps through, the faster your mental health will improve and your capacity to be a mum.

I understand that the grammatical rules are different in your first language, OP, and I also speak a language where a child would be 'it'. But for your information in English referring to a human as 'it' is deeply offensive and dehumanising. Only objects are 'it'. That's why people are responding as they are - it seems very worrying to hear a mother call her baby 'it'.

The non-gendered pronoun is 'they'. You can use this for a singular person and it's correct English when the sex of the person you're talking about doesn't matter or you don't want to reveal the sex.

Hope you don't mind me offering that info!

Please stop calling your baby “it” - this is a person who didn’t ask to be born. I don’t know if you have PND, if this is just difficult because it’s the baby stage or if you’ll feel this way forever - but I’m sure if you start thinking about your baby as an actual person instead of a thing, that might help at least work out which of the issues it is.

We call men who walk out on their babies deadbeat dads and wankers. Could you cope with being called that or worse, because that’s what mums face. Yes, your partner wanted the baby - but ultimately it was your choice to continue the pregnancy.

Ultimately, if you really cannot be a parent, your child would be better off without you in their life. They’ll likely need a lot of therapy for this (it’s not the same as being put up for adoption from birth, imagine finding out your mum left you when you were 4/6/12 months old or whatever - you would definitely have additional trauma from that) so you need to be absolutely sure, because it wouldn’t be fair to keep dipping in and out when things get tough.

I do think trying to work and look after your baby could be part of the issue. If you work for someone else, you’re likely breaking your terms of employment, if you’re self employed it’s less of an issue - but you’re literally trying to do 2 full time jobs simultaneously. It’s no wonder you’re at breaking point. If looking after a baby/toddler wasn’t a job, we wouldn’t have nurseries and childminders, everyone would just take their kid to work. Your partner wanted this baby, he needs to step up here and not assume you’ll just do it all. So either he stops working and cares for the baby, you stop working and care for the baby, or you get paid for childcare whilst you’re both working.

If your relationship is dead in the water, call it a day. Arrange who will have the baby and when - if that means full time with the dad, do that. But maybe try 50/50 initially to check the issue isn’t resentment that you’re trying to jiggle everything.

I’m sorry of some of that comes across as harsh.

You have a romantic Victorian attitude to motherhood. Plenty of women (even women who unambiguously wanted the child in question) never grow to feel a maternal bone at all. You can't understand that if you've never felt it.

Are you working from home and minding the baby at the same time? That would be stressful if you don't feel you are doing either job well.

I didn't enjoy the early baby months either. It's non stop work and you aren't getting much back from the baby at that point. They haven't shown their little personality yet. The toddler stage I liked much more.

Definitely check with your GP to see if you're ticking the boxes for PND.

Apologies, I was typing and got distracted by work before hitting post - I can see you’ve addressed why you’ve called the baby “it” so please disregard that part of my post,

OP I'm so sorry you feel this way. This is clearly not how you would have chosen to feel. I echo others in that you should seek some help from a healthcare provider - there are many ways to improve a mindset that feels trapped and unfulfilled, without having to change your life drastically.

Secondly, other posters are absolutely right that you should get some childcare in place. Looking after a child while working is a surefire way to end up resenting either the child or the job. If you enjoy working, then childcare is the answer.

Thirdly, everyone is also right that parenting changes all the time. I am one of those people that would happily have a 0-6m old baby with me for the rest of my life. I adore the potato stage. My DH hates it, as has far more fun with our pre-schooler. I adore DS, but I find him much much much harder work. Swings and roundabouts, and what feels insurmountable now may not even be a consideration in a few months or next year, because your child will change.

I think if you take the first two bits of advice as actions you should take, and use number 3 as a mantra to get you through the tough parts 'this too will pass' then you might see some improvement before you feel the need to leave your family. But at the end of the day, maternal mental health is a huge factor in child wellbeing, and if being a divorced parent with part time custody is what would be better for you, then this might also be better for the child longterm.

Good luck. You are in a tough place and need support. I hope you get it.

@Audhumla I suspect OP understands perfectly well what non-gendered pronouns are because then she goes on to say “I feed them”, not “I feed it”.

English is my second language too and you always learn that “it” is for animals and objects.

I suspect you are suffering from post partum depression to a high degree. Sometimes it is so severe it is called psychosis, and there is help available. See your doctor to get some help - it will be available with no judgements. First time (and all) mothers are subject to depression because of the hormonal free for all our bodies go on when we have children. It's okay, you can be a mother. You might not be an earth mother, or a hands-on lets educate at home mother, but you will be a good enough mother and you will find joy - once you have the help you need.
And tell your DP.

Ofcourse thats alright.

They are almost one year old. 11th month.

Right now yes, he was not keen on the idea. Im home, so the cost is unnecessary, to be honest, i agree, but ill see that we get childcare though. Maybe it does help. Idk.

Im an insomniac, so it varries, can be 3 hours, can be 8-9 (with interruptions ofcourse).

Yes, i have hobbies. I put them to the side, but i get to them here and there. And im having friends over here and there aswell. I go on walks when my partner is home. Same for him. We try to baldnce it between us since we have very split social circles.

this makes me think that maybe it would be good to get your own health checked op just in case you have any imbalance that is causing you to feel this way.
no judgement.
then if you have taken time and really don’t want to be a parent there may be other options to look at.

for example a nanny to do the childcare that you normally do.

or your husband to have the child full time.

im thinking about different things that could possibly help before you definitely decide this is not what you want. Good luck to you

You're very brave to put your feelings out there.

Before you do anything or make any big decisions, I would investigate whether you have post-natal depression.

And I honestly wouldn't make any big decisions full stop until your baby is about 8 months old. Many women find the early days hell when they wanted the baby. I did. I hated every second of my maternity leave, took no satisfaction from parenting, couldn't wait to go back to work. I did this when my son was 7 months old. And just at that point, I could see the point of him. Before he was born, I filled my life with rewarding, satisfying things, and looking after a newborn wasn't rewarding or satisfying, and I hated it. I got nothing out of it. When he started giving energy of his own - that's when motherhood unlocked itself for me.

17 years later, I am a different person. Genuinely selfless. Genuinely able to pour love into him when all he is doing is pouring vile teenager back. Our relationship isn't transactional, just like it wasn't when he was a newborn. But now I have the emotional ability to give freely and joyfully anyway.

I'm not saying that you will ever get there - but I wouldn't assume that because you aren't there now, you will never be. Newborns - even 'good' easy ones - are extremely hard work.

What you do about your failing relationship is another matter, and I can see why they are tied together in your head and that it seems easier just to run away from them both. Leaving your partner is easy. Leaving your child.... different kettle of fish.

My marriage didn't survive having a baby. My husband was the one with the issues. He didn't enjoy being a dad, hated the changes he had to make to our lifestyle and the change it made in me, and actually said, "I just can't see my life being farm parks. I am not enjoying our life."

So he left. And has gone on to have 3 more children, and has 3 step-children, and is far more of a family man than I will ever be - and he loves it.

So I suppose in his own way, he shows that feelings change too.

Take care.

Personally I find calling a baby "baby" without the definite article (ditto a mother "mum" instead of her name) worse than calling a baby of indeterminate gender "it". I think until they're about one a lot of people would use it if they didn't know whether it was a boy or a girl.

I mean you get cards and balloons, don't you

"It's a girl!"

@MeEspresso
@Christwosheds
@Homegrownberries

The OP has explained that English is not her first language and that in her home language ‘child’ and ‘baby’ are gender neutral. I don’t know where she is from, but this will make sense to anyone who has learned German (for example).

Well, first up, you need childcare in place. That you are at home is irrelevant - if you’re working, you’re not looking after the baby.

So look into a nanny, childminder or nursery. Not only with the baby be properly cared for, you will have proper time to yourself, for your work and for you.

A child knowing they're not wanted by their mother, which he or she will know, will cause huge issues too. I don't know which is worse, poor kid.

So it sounds like you’re giving the baby everything s/he needs, except love. Which after food / liquid, is the most important thing of all. Does the dad show love to the baby? Perhaps if so, the dad should get full custody, so the baby can grow up feeling loved and cherished.

If you change your mind in future / get over any PND if you have it.. You can be back in the baby’s life again.

In English if you do not want to designate the sex of a child then 'they' is acceptable. But 'it' is improper for a human child.

I was raised by a step parent. I dont agree with that. Otherwise i wouldnt be considering it.

It's fine OP and probably not that uncommon, just don't have another one. This one is here so do your best and try and give them a good life. Your feelings are valid and parenting is mostly thankless if broken down into its base drudgery tasks, loss of money, liberty and former identity. You might find it gets better for you as they get older. Good luck.

This really does sound like postnatal depression - please ignore eveyone telling you that you made your choice etc.

You need to speak to your healthcare team ASAP and may need medication to feel better

Well you need to outsource childcare for a start. Nobody could be mentally healthy working whilst caring for a baby at the same time. Either your H goes part time or changes his hours so he can look after baby or you pay for childcare, drop baby off in the morning and do your day's work in peace. Also need to speak to the GP about post natal depression - that might be causing the lack of bonding.
There are things you can do to develop the bond and attachment. Try these options -
baby massage
song or rhyme time groups
sensory rooms
video interactive guidance https://www.videointeractionguidance.net/practitioners
theraplay https://theraplay.org

WHY does it sound like depression? It sounds like a rational reaction to me? You're stuck with this squalling needball you don't like and your peaceful loving partnership is permanently fecked. That's not something anyone would be pleased about.