What should I do if they realize I don’t want to be a parent after having a child?

[NoisyUmberMentor]

I became a parent a while ago, it wasnt planned, my partner wanted to keep it. I agreed, more or less to give it a shot for our relationships sake, even though I wasn’t sure I truly wanted to be a mother.

Now that the child is here and a few months have passed, I’m realizing that I made the wrong choice, not because of the child, but because I dont want it. Im not happy with it. I find no joy in being a mother. There is nothing in it for me, i know thats not what parenting is about “getting something from it”. You put a life into the world without getting something in return, thats kinda the whole thing. But still, I am just unhappy with this all and its affecting pretty much everything else aswell. Im not cut out for this.

I want to say, my partner, as far as Im aware, is doing a good job. He is happy. So its not that i am doing this alone. He is great with it. Im just not.

Im either losing my partner, or im sticking with something that is incredibly depressing to me and affecting my relationship with my partner negatively anyways. Like the relationship is at an all time low. We dont fight, but its just not what it was before. Stress on both ends. We both work and do parenting.

Im lost on what to do. No matter what i do, i feel like im doing the wrong thing. Im contemplating options and none are good. I feel stuck.

A lack of dyadic attachment relationship between mother and baby isn't a rational reaction to having a baby. It's a problem.

You write that your baby is 11 months old, and that you take care of the baby while you are working from home, at the same time?
Can you get childcare for the baby?

I wish you and your family all the best! I hope things will work out for you.

It's an incredibly common part of life. I agree a lot of mothers take antidepressants to make themselves cope/disassociate. That doesn't mean depression is the problem.

You absolutely cannot work and take care of a child, no matter how ok you might feel about it now

Given that you want to give away your child I'm thinking you're less ok than you think you are

OP has said that English isn't her first language and as she isn't revealing the baby's sex, she has used 'it' as a pronoun. It feels dehumanising to a native English speaker but it makes sense for someone who has English as a second language.

If you genuinely feel this way after counselling then consider putting baby up for adoption.

This is why we have troubled children in this world, because they grow up with parents nit wanting them sadly.
did you think having a child was an experiment? You really should have asked yourself before bring this poor child into the world.
there is enough children suffering you know

Now that the child is here and a few months have passed, I’m realizing that I made the wrong choice, not because of the child, but because I dont want it.

Im either losing my partner, or im sticking with something that is incredibly depressing to me and affecting my relationship with my partner negatively anyways.

'The child'. 'It'. 'Something that is incredibly depressing to me'.

Look at your own language. Its dehumanising. Devoid of emotion and attachment to your child. It speaks actively of depression.

It screams lack of bonding and post natal depression. Seek help first.

Even if you didn't particularly want a child your language says this is more than simply regret.

No consideration for the baby's dad at all? Doubt it would happen without his agreement!

I know this is unhelpful but good god, why on earth did you have a baby you didn't want. That poor kid.

Do men who abandon their pregnant wives and partners, or who leave when their children are babies, need professional help? It's an extremely common occurrence on here and it seems to just be accepted as something that men do.

No, she just doesn’t want to be a mum and never should have gone through with the pregnancy. So many dads check out of being a parent. It’s a myth that all mums have maternal instincts.

You cannot do both at the same time!

There is nothing in it for me, i know thats not what parenting is about “getting something from it”. You put a life into the world without getting something in return, thats kinda the whole thing I dont agree - i feel an immense amount of joy and pride in my child now. I get a lot out of it. I dont think it's necessarily entirely selfless.

I agree it's worth speaking to your GP/health visitor about a referral for perinatal mental health support

You cannot do both at the same time!

There is nothing in it for me, i know thats not what parenting is about “getting something from it”. You put a life into the world without getting something in return, thats kinda the whole thing I dont agree - i feel an immense amount of joy and pride in my child now. I get a lot out of it. I dont think it's necessarily entirely selfless.

I agree it's worth speaking to your GP/health visitor about a referral for perinatal mental health support

@Grammarnut , English isn't OP's first language. In some languages, it would be the word used, whereas English people tend to use they (singular).
They (singular) is ghastly.

What does your partner think? Has he said how he thinks you behave with the baby?

People live their lives in lots of different ways so there are no options that aren't open to you whatever society says, but the reason people talk about 'maternal instinct' is because you are supposed to spend this time cushioned by hormones that make you love the kid. Every single mother would leave their kid for the wolves if this were not the case I reckon, because being a mother to a tiny baby is objectively fucking awful -- it's just that the hormones don't tend to let you be objective about your own child. So that suggests that your hormones are not working very well OR you are struggling to identify exactly what your feelings are (that's common in autism. I'm not diagnosing you, I'm just telling you, because that's how I know this is a thing). You say work is OK but I'm guessing you're feeling pretty dreadful at the moment and you're putting all that on the baby and none of it on work and the baby.

I think your GP is the first stop because they can probably open doors for help with either one of these things. It is worth trying to feel better about your baby because motherhood is very rewarding when you do love the baby, and is better for the kid if you do too. But mothers do leave their kids and the kids survive; even if we don't hear much about that, it happens. So escape is possible if you absolutely have to do it.

I know it’s an extra cost and I know it seems like an unnecessary expense but you need childcare. You are now doing 2 full time jobs.

If you could focus on your work, you might start looking forward to being with your child afterwards.

If your husband had to cart the baby with him to work every day and WORK and then look after the baby every night, he would be feeling exactly the same as you are now.

Yes he would. You are honest and we are all advising you the same thing: you need childcare.
You need breaks.
You need this. It’s hard enough even with childcare and support.

And one more thing, don’t be harking back to when you were pregnant, thinking ‘you had your doubts then’ everyone, EVERYONE has doubts. Forget it. The baby is here now.

Start by getting childcare. It’s cheaper than leaving. Start there and give it a chance.

Well I think its pretty obvious the counselling would include her partner

If you can afford it then you should consider Parent-infant therapy. It’s focuses on building the relationship and bond between parent and child.

It’s completely different, they haven’t grown another human in them or given birth or had to deal with any birth injuries or trauma let alone the effects of hormones on a woman which could mean yes they need professional help more likely than men.

im horrified at you calling your child ‘ it ‘ and dismissively ‘ the kid ‘ tbh . If you really have explored all the reasons why you don’t want to be a mother then I think you should leave . Children aren’t stupid and will know your lack of love for them . We see so many people raised by cold unloving parents and they are irreparably damaged by it .

The cost of childcare is not unnecessary. You cannot do two full-time jobs. Get some childcare. If your DP does not understand that childcare is necessary then let him spend a day with DC whilst trying to work - should show him.

OP,
If you are working while taking care of your baby then I believe that you will be neglecting your babies needs.

I have read the full thread and I have seen lots of posters say working while caring for your baby is difficult and will lead to resentment but it's more than that. Parents caring for their babies often find it difficult to finish a cup of tea or wash their hair never mind to do a days work. Add to that the way you feel and your baby will be neglected.

Proper childcare is not a waste of money. Just because you are at home that doesn't mean that you are available to meet your babies needs.

You have said if you leave you will pay towards the baby. You will also have another lot of rent and bills to pay as well as childcare so try paying for childcare now - if your finances are separate your partner should also contribute to childcare.

Yes to also seeing a doctor and exploring PND.

Please get a GP appointment and ask for help - it sounds like you have post partum depression. You may be able to access help with bonding and attachment.

Poor baby.

May be that explains why you sound distant, unemotional, as avoiding closeness- look up avoidant attachment.

The insomnia will definitely have an effect on your well-being. I hope you are doing everything you can do about that - strict sleep routine, etc.

Honestly, you need professional help, starting with the GP. There’s too much on stake for the little human you brought to life.