What should I do if they realize I don’t want to be a parent after having a child?

[NoisyUmberMentor]

I became a parent a while ago, it wasnt planned, my partner wanted to keep it. I agreed, more or less to give it a shot for our relationships sake, even though I wasn’t sure I truly wanted to be a mother.

Now that the child is here and a few months have passed, I’m realizing that I made the wrong choice, not because of the child, but because I dont want it. Im not happy with it. I find no joy in being a mother. There is nothing in it for me, i know thats not what parenting is about “getting something from it”. You put a life into the world without getting something in return, thats kinda the whole thing. But still, I am just unhappy with this all and its affecting pretty much everything else aswell. Im not cut out for this.

I want to say, my partner, as far as Im aware, is doing a good job. He is happy. So its not that i am doing this alone. He is great with it. Im just not.

Im either losing my partner, or im sticking with something that is incredibly depressing to me and affecting my relationship with my partner negatively anyways. Like the relationship is at an all time low. We dont fight, but its just not what it was before. Stress on both ends. We both work and do parenting.

Im lost on what to do. No matter what i do, i feel like im doing the wrong thing. Im contemplating options and none are good. I feel stuck.

My biggest regret about the early years was not having a minimum of 1 days childcare a week. I needed a break from them, and not having a break affected my ability to parent. I ploughed on like a martyr when I should have had help.

its a tough job. Factor in relief.

Just going to ask some questions if that's all right.

• how old is baby?
• when you say you work from home and have baby around, do you mean you're trying to do both at the same time without childcare?
• how much sleep are you getting at night?
• do you have any time for hobbies or seeing friends?
• are you getting out and about even if only for a few minutes a day?

I think this is the best thing to do.

It sounds like you need help so please ask for it.

Can you think of the baby as a job rather than something you should enjoy, babies are hard work but it does get better. Not that you had unrealistic expectations, you had expectations that are being fulfilled. I agree with others get checked out for PND or just depression and take it day by day, in a few weeks you may feel totally different and at least try not to continually reinforce the negative thoughts.

Remember that if in the end you can't carry on there are options, from letting your partner have the main custody to having the baby adopted, someone out there is desperate for a baby and would give yours all the love you are finding so difficult at present.

I did want a child but even so during the first year after I had my eldest I’d have cheerfully walked out and left my husband to it with the baby. And as for the husband, there were so many times I nearly told him to go fuck himself as well. I did have PND but the early months are tough with a baby. Even when I was better from that and people went on about how “fulfilling”
motherhood was I was like wtf planet are you on. I agree with speaking to the GP
as you may be depressed but ultimately some of us are just not particularly maternal around young babies.

Men do this all the time and just bail out.
Its unusual when it’s the mother but not unheard of.
If I were you, I would give him sole custody and separate and do what you can when you can. Your partner will meet someone else and your child might have a really loving step parent in the future and might not be too affected by this.
It’s better to do it while they’re young and won’t know any different. Children are highly perceptive and will know they’re unwanted by you if you carry on.
The fact you call your child ‘It’ is quite worrying and sounds like you either need support from the gp or to make a decision to leave.

Im not native english. I used "it" cause its whats correct for "the child". I havent said their gender. And i will not. I wasnt aware this was considered inapropriate. In my native language we use "it" for children. I apologize if that is considered inapropriate or insulting.

I do whats necessary. I feed them, I comfort them, I craddle them, i hold them, i change diapers, i sing it too sleep, so on so forth.
I suppose thats just doing the bare minimum. I wouldnt say its instinct, my instincts tell me to leave.

IF I choose to leave, i will make sure that isnt a problem he has to care about. That is the least i will do.

If you didn’t want the baby then you should have taken precautions or dealt with it earlier in the pregnancy. I don’t think keeping a pregnancy just to see if the relationship works out is fair on the baby or yourself.

Every new parent feels that reality of losing their freedom once the baby arrives. Especially if you have the baby later on in life, as you get set in your ways. Your entire life changes forever and you can’t just get up and go do anything you want to when you are caring for a newborn.

You have been through a lot. I don’t like what I’m about to say as I find it annoying when anyone says this, but you really do need to speak to someone about how you are feeling.
Starting with your partner.

Sorry you’re going through this but not sorry to say that you’ve left it a little late to decide you don’t want the baby.

IF I choose to leave, i will make sure that isnt a problem he has to care about. That is the least i will do.

I don’t understand what you mean by this? A child will always care that they were left by their mother. They care about being left by fathers too.

Thank you. I am in that mindset already. Its my job to take care of them. I have no maternal instincts besides the feeling of obligation.

do you love your child?

I was talking about the financial side of my partner.

It’s judgement like that demonstrated by @MeEspresso that stop women speaking out. That stop them asking for help. That forces them to burry their feelings. That makes them feel shame.

We should be encouraging the OP to talk. To share. Those who can empathise doing so to make her feel less alone. She isn’t the only one who has felt this way. It’s incredibly brave of the OP to start this post. There is help out there if you can get past the judgey posts and have the courage to seek it out.

OP, you seem to be thinking of this in terms of either/or. Lots of us hated parenting babies, and felt no maternal instinct, and much preferred working.

There are compromises. I loved being divorced and only having 50% care. It made me a much more patient mother. And I could work uninterrupted. And sleep. And my children had all my love and attention on the days I saw them.

There are other options, and my feelings changed enormously over the years, through their different stages.

Don't rush into any decisions.

How were things for you when you were a baby OP? Your baby's arrival may be triggering off unconscious memories from your own infancy.

As I said before you need to get help. This sounds awful for you and I am also worried about your baby. Things can get better for both of you, you don't need to abandon your baby to make a positive change.

Yes I will absolutely judge any parent, dad or mum, referring to their child as an 'it' and wanting to walk away from any parental responsibility to an innocent young baby because they didn't think this through initially and used a child to 'fix' a broken relationship.

Why aren’t you using he or she to refer to your baby OP ? You do sound totally detached from your baby and your partner too, and I think you need to be assessed for PND. Could you go to your GP ?
Early motherhood is a shock, your whole life has been changed and you know it is a responsibility forever, it takes time to adjust. Along with less sleep and recovery from birth, shifts in your relationship with your partner , it can be difficult and you sometimes can’t do much apart from giving it time, and getting to know your baby. However your tone is worrying me and I think you need some support. Don’t walk away from your baby and your relationship without getting properly assessed and supported , this is not a time to make huge, life changing decisions.

The baby is a person. You are using the word it. This is extremely concerning. You need to speak to a medical professional. Motherhood may not be for you but I suspect that there is more to the situation. This needs to be explored before you make a long term decision.

I did not enjoy the baby stage. At all. I hated it. And I worried constantly because i hated it and other people didn't. I also wasn't mad keen on toddler stage, but it was better than baby stage. I started to enjoy parenthood at about 4 years old and now, at 11 I love it. You have a responsibility to your child as they had no choice to come into this world. If you love your partner then i suggest you get some counselling and then some joint counselling to navigate yourself round this. Agree with other posters that PN could have a hand in this also. Maybe ultimately you need to split up, with him doing the main caring, but you do have a respsonsibility do do what you can to limit harm to your child.

Jeez have some of you never studied another language?! The OP has already explained why she used the term ‘it’. English is not her first language. People are latching onto that to demonise the OP. She’s a vulnerable new Mum seeking help, if you only want to tear a strip off her, leave the thread!

Raising a child is a long road that is constantly changing. It's madness to think you know what it's like when your baby is a few months old. You know about what it's like to be a mother of a newborn baby. The whole experience is going to be totally different in one month, six months, two years, eight years.

I'd rather chew my own arm off than have a newborn again. Others love that phase. But it's not weird or unusual to not enjoy it. Don't write the whole thing off while you are still in the absolute whirlwind of the newborn period. This bit feels like you've been hit by a truck (for many people) but it will be over in a flash.

You don't need to be a perfect parent, just 'good enough'. Not so long ago parents were not so hands-on with their children and the pressure and the requirements were far lower. You've taken the decision and now there is no going back and you just have to get on with it. Do your best, but you really don't need to be a Mother of the Year. As your baby grows and develops, you will enjoy him more and more and life will become easier. He will go to nursery/school and you will be amazed how he's developing and you'll have tears in your eyes and you'll be very proud of him and you'll be ashamed of your thoughts that you have now. Just don't give up on him now, even if your life looks boring and tiring. He needs you!

I am one of the posters who is reading this and straight away thinking you need professional help. Maternal instinct is a biological consequence of having a baby, in varying degrees, it should kick in.

I also expect every human, in this age, to be socially brought up to understand how important a mother’s presence is for a baby. I don’t expect a mum to start ‘considering her options’ - I expect acceptance. Asking for help - absolutely. Saying I’ll lose my partner but I’m not enjoying being a parent so I might leave is very unnatural (biologically and socially).

Did you have any ongoing mental health struggles by any chance before/ during pregnancy?

Your child has one and only mother in the world. S/He’s very lucky you are alive and there. S/He needs you to put effort in bonding today. Please seek help as soon as possible, because nobody else can be your child’s mum.

There’s a lovely academic book called ‘Why love matters’ about attachment in infant years/ lack of. Do read it if this is how you’d like to approach issues as it is so eye opening.

You need to give it a lot more time - you’re rushing into a decision during the tumultuous first months as a parent. The early months are incredibly tough for many parents. I too questioned my life when I had my first DC. Like you, I felt I’d lost my life and was getting nothing in return. Relationships notoriously suffer during this time because you’re both tired, overwhelmed and coming to terms with a new way of life. It often does recover, given time. Suddenly crying babies turn into little people, who walk, talk, make you laugh and tell you they love you. In the not too distant future, it’s no more nappies and feeding schedules, instead you can interact with them, discover joint interests and explore the world together. I now have 3 DC and although it is still tough at times and sometimes I feel taken for granted, the family we have created is a little piece of magic. You have a long term responsibility to the child you chose to have and that is not just financial.

Respectfully, this is what happens when people have children to appease a relationship or partner. It just doesn’t work.

Considering you’re still so unhappy and detached from the baby, I think the sensible thing to do is to relinquish custody (or whatever legal equivalent you have where you are), separate and move on with your life.

The longer this goes on the worse it will be for the baby, it’s a horrible thing to grow up with a mother that doesn’t want you. My best friend’s mother abandoned him on his 13th birthday and refused all and any contact ever since, he was incredibly traumatised by it.