What should I do if they realize I don’t want to be a parent after having a child?

[NoisyUmberMentor]

I became a parent a while ago, it wasnt planned, my partner wanted to keep it. I agreed, more or less to give it a shot for our relationships sake, even though I wasn’t sure I truly wanted to be a mother.

Now that the child is here and a few months have passed, I’m realizing that I made the wrong choice, not because of the child, but because I dont want it. Im not happy with it. I find no joy in being a mother. There is nothing in it for me, i know thats not what parenting is about “getting something from it”. You put a life into the world without getting something in return, thats kinda the whole thing. But still, I am just unhappy with this all and its affecting pretty much everything else aswell. Im not cut out for this.

I want to say, my partner, as far as Im aware, is doing a good job. He is happy. So its not that i am doing this alone. He is great with it. Im just not.

Im either losing my partner, or im sticking with something that is incredibly depressing to me and affecting my relationship with my partner negatively anyways. Like the relationship is at an all time low. We dont fight, but its just not what it was before. Stress on both ends. We both work and do parenting.

Im lost on what to do. No matter what i do, i feel like im doing the wrong thing. Im contemplating options and none are good. I feel stuck.

or spend time with it to bond

Please speak to a professional or a specialist support service. Many parents feel like this at some point and maybe more intensely in the beginning. You've gone through a huge life change and having difficult or mixed feelings about it is very common.

You might find this charity helpful
pandasfoundation.org.uk/how-we-can-support-you/

I think the first thing to do is to see your GP or health visitor and discuss post natal depression but that's not necessarily the case. I had a very good friend who had a child because her husband wanted one but she really didn't. She left the child with him when she was one years old and he brought her up to be a lovely and happy young woman. My friend never regretted her decision and the daughter was probably better off without a mum around who really didn't want to be her mum. So it can work. Plenty of men bail on their kids.

There is no reason you can't be the secondary parent. Just make sure if you do that and still want to see your child that you have a set routine for doing so.
Loads of men totally opt out, I don't see why you can't.

No but you need childcare, I wfh and definitely wouldn’t do it with a child at home.

Speak to your GP and get antidepressants
Stop being stubborn about your job and get childcare or a nanny or a childminder. You'll get a break too. Otherwise you're going to regret and resent baby more as they're getting in the way of work
It's too soon for you to think about moving out or making huge life decisions abt custody. Wait a year or two. It gets easier as older and more personality
Book some fun stuff in like dates or holidays, days out with friends etc
In my opinion male or female you should commit to changing your mindset and slogging it out - its hard for everyone and it's important for your baby's development that you're present. Some people are not as involved parents and that's OK as long as you're still there

Speak to your GP - I felt like this and it turns out I had post-natal depression. I look at my child now and can’t believe I ever didn’t want him. But it was a very real feeling. I didn’t want him, felt no connection and wanted to get on a plane and move to Argentina. Instead I got medical help - counselling and antidepressants- but also my hormones flicked a switch. Now I have three children whom I love more than life. I am not wanting to invalidate your feelings. Mine were very very real and felt ‘practical’. Chat to a health worker first - you are not alone.

I would speak with a doctor or health visitor. Not because your feelings aren't valid, but because if you are suffering from PND (and frankly, if you were ambivalent about becomign a mother I imagine that the chances of PND would be higher).

While leaving is NOT a great option, I do think if tihs really isn't for you, you need to be talkign to the father about this and that it might be that you have to separate and you will, of course, take on a fair proportion of the financial burden. I think that the reality that you were pressured into having this child is a huge problem.

I get very angry when men feel they have no responsibilities because they couldn't force a woman to get an abortion, but I am usually willing to accept that if it's a casual relationship or the relationship ends as a result of her decision to have the baby, he might choose not to have a relationship with the child - as long as he continues to meet his financial obligations. It's not ideal. But a parent who realyl doesn't want to be there is not good for the child either.

Its been months that ive spent with it.

You chose to have your baby so you have at the very least, a moral responsibility to find a way to make this work before you make any decisions. As others have said, you should speak to your GP and health visitor. I also recommend seeking therapy to help work through how you’re feeling.
Your baby is still young, it can be a while before you find the enjoyment of being a parent, when it doesn’t come instantly or naturally. You could also have post natal depression and just not know it, that could be preventing you from bonding.
It’s so important you seek all help and support available before you make any decisions because this will no doubt impact your child massively if they grow up without a mother, or with a mother that clearly doesn’t want to be there. I sincerely hope there’s support that will help you find a way to make it work and eventually help you grow that bond so you can enjoy being a mother.
Im not judging, I find it difficult to understand but I’m not judging and I really emphasise that this must be very difficult for you. Please seek help to work through these feelings, your child deserves that you’ve tried every avenue of making it work, before you decide you can’t do it.

It?

Do you feel anything at all towards your baby?

You sound so detached from the baby, calling them 'it' not he or she . I would seek help from your gp asap.

The child is a baby, not an it.
Please get help for your mental health. There's no shame in asking for help.

This issue is bigger than you and your partner. You need professionals to get involved asap. I’m sorry you feel this way but the baby’s welfare is utmost imo. Are you absolutely sure this isn’t baby blues? It happens to us all.

This is very concerning OP. I'm sorry but if you're working at home at the same time as taking care of a baby I don't think you can be caring for him or her properly. Seek help urgently for both your sakes.

Im not native english. While i wont deny im detached and will seek help, i used "it" cause its grammaticly correct for "the child". I apologize if that is considered insulting towards children.

Wow..

im sorry but if this was a bloke the responses would be so different. How can you call your innocent little baby an 'it?' They deserve basic human decency to be called he or she, or their name in real life.

do you not have any maternal instinct when your baby cries, do you not feel compelled to comfort them or just hold and stare at them? Or are you just simply catering to their needs as a minimum?

you need to seek medical help ASAP, speak to your GP or health visitor.
what will your partner do if he's now a full time single parent to a baby? How will he work and keep a roof over their heads?

threads like this the pro lifers should take a look at.

This is really hard to post but here goes.....

One of my children was unplanned and I really didn't want another but knew I couldn't go through with a termination. I found it incredibly hard to bond with with them. It really impacted my relationship with that child and had a terrible impact on them. I feel horrible now when I look back on it because it wasn't their fault, they were just a little person who wanted to be loved and whilst I know I did love them, there were times when I really resented them which must have impacted my parenting of them.
I deffo had PND which I think made this all much worse so speak with your GP or HV. I got help and things slowly got better.
What I wanted to say was, despite those initial feelings. My child is all grown up now. Its been exceptionally challenging at times but we are now best friends and almost inseparable. I love them very very much and my life would be hideous without them. They are my whole world.

That’s good but get some proper childcare so you’re not pulled in two directions.

Firstly - is the baby safe? That’s the most important thing.

I second those who say you need to speak to your GP.

Can you DP become a SAHD? Is a nanny an option?

If you've ruled out PPD then you just need to get on with it. You're a parent now- it's not your child's fault that you didn't think it through.

Just remembered of DH friends, the male in the relationship is the primary parent. This was the agreement before birth. They took shared parental leave. The child is a young teen now and it works well for them as a family.

I've got a few thoughts, which I'll bullet point to make it easier

• get some good mental health support
• get some child care so that you're not juggling as much at home.
• if necessary, maybe your partner can go part-time.
• If you're not bonding and you're not (for whatever reason) hugely prioritising bonding, then you need to give your partner space and opportunity to develop a much closer bond himself.
• give it some time.
• one key thing is that your child has a very close bond with someone.
• whilst I'd personally find this a little sad unless absolutely necessary, there's no reason your child can't be in nursery 9:00 to 5:00 Monday to Friday. There's very little of the day left after that, and just weekends which presumably you can share. In a few years time by the time you add on some weekend clubs and after school clubs, then if you really want you could barely see your child. I don't think that's a great approach, but it's probably better than you abandoning them entirely.
• yes you could separate and only see a child every other weekend or something, and that doesn't make you any better or worse than the dads that do it. I wouldn't think particularly well of someone who chose to do that because they couldn't hack being around their kid though.

Honestly, I'd suggest a combination of nursery, waiting it out, and having manageable chunks of time together as a family at the weekend, and see how that works.

I wouldn't worry too much about feeling like roommates at this stage. Absolutely try and bring back some romance, but that is something that often gets placed on hold while they're so young, and then comes back.

Do this, please ❤️