What should I do if they realize I don’t want to be a parent after having a child?

[NoisyUmberMentor]

I became a parent a while ago, it wasnt planned, my partner wanted to keep it. I agreed, more or less to give it a shot for our relationships sake, even though I wasn’t sure I truly wanted to be a mother.

Now that the child is here and a few months have passed, I’m realizing that I made the wrong choice, not because of the child, but because I dont want it. Im not happy with it. I find no joy in being a mother. There is nothing in it for me, i know thats not what parenting is about “getting something from it”. You put a life into the world without getting something in return, thats kinda the whole thing. But still, I am just unhappy with this all and its affecting pretty much everything else aswell. Im not cut out for this.

I want to say, my partner, as far as Im aware, is doing a good job. He is happy. So its not that i am doing this alone. He is great with it. Im just not.

Im either losing my partner, or im sticking with something that is incredibly depressing to me and affecting my relationship with my partner negatively anyways. Like the relationship is at an all time low. We dont fight, but its just not what it was before. Stress on both ends. We both work and do parenting.

Im lost on what to do. No matter what i do, i feel like im doing the wrong thing. Im contemplating options and none are good. I feel stuck.

I felt exactly this way after my first. I used to sit up at night googling ‘I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life’
if people hadn’t known if been pregnant I would have given my son away for adoption I just really really hated being a mum.
i don’t know if I had PND or not, or if I’m just not very maternal. I didn’t bond instantly with either of my children it took many months (probably around 6 months until I cared at all and much more until I really really loved them). Also babies are not for everyone, but as they become little people they really grow on you! For the record I am now obsessed with my kids and love them more than the world, we are super close and have a great relationship. Please hang in there it’s not a natural thing for all of us but I think there’s a good chance you won’t feel this way forever. Sending love as I know this is really hard x

Not helpful

Oh OP, I'm sorry you feel this way. Please keep trying find a solution, even if it's an unconventional one. You've been so brave to admit it.

My mother didn't want me. She had a baby because it's what you did back then.
My childhood was peppered with resentment, nasty comments and being blamed for everything that was wrong in her world.

She still rejects me to this day. She's cancelled all of our prearranged visits for the rest of the year. Said seeing me three times before Christmas was ''too much'' and gave me the money for the train tickets I'd already bought.

I'm in my 50s now and it's been a life of utter heartbreak. I never got over it. I chased her approval endlessly but it never came.

As a teenager I used to hope my Dad would have an affair and they'd split up. At least then I'd have weekends away from her. I used to imagine he'd meet someone nice and we'd get on really well.

They're still together, he's nearly 90 now. He calls her worse than shit behind her back but he's all smiles at home.

It's so toxic 😢

Again.... i used "it" cause in my native language, we dont make such disticntions. We dont even have words for "he, she, it" its the same damn word. And "the child/the kid" is used normaly. I wasnt aware this was such a big deal in english. I apologize for my mistake, but there are bigger fcking problems than me calling my child "it".

I felt like this at the beginning I absolutely hated it and felt like my life was over and had very dark thoughts. I was actually incredibly depressed and had a very difficult baby.

It improved slowly over time as dc started to become more interesting and less demanding.

They’re much older now and I absolutely love being a mum. It’s completely different.

You should see your GP / health visitor / get some therapy and make sure you have some free time and head space.

OP I think your first point of call is to book in with your GP.

Whilst the adjustment to motherhood is hard to be so detached can indicate something else is at play here like PND which can cause attachment issues.

I'm not in the love every second motherhood camp. I would even say I'm not the most maternal but I enjoy my children and the joy seeing them smile etc.

Start with the GP and also see if there are any charities nearby which offer new mum support/counselling etc.

For those who are on the fence about having children or are being persuaded by their partners...Please do not do it unless your heart is truly in it. Times have changed drastically from our mother's generation and having children is no longer what is expected, despite a neglible stigma that still exists. Living happily childfree is absolutely a valid choice I am staunchly childfree, but every time I momentarily falter, I read threads such as this.

Not to be all judgy and probably being a bit of a dick myself, but the time for opting out without being a dick is well past. There are ways of being in between all and nothing.

I agree with other posters that having a break from the baby while you work might give you space.

Try to do things that you enjoy yourself with the baby, I loved to bring my eldest to the cinema to watch movies during mother and baby screenings.

Go to restaurants and pubs, dates with your husband, a new hobby, all of the the things that make you feel more normal and a full human that motherhood can steal.

If you can move past the feeling that having a child ends your life it will be easier to make a good path through this. .

OP did you have a difficult or traumatic early childhood?

Were you detached from a parent as an infant?

Can I suggest if you can afford it that you seek a really good psychotherapist if yes as this sounds to me like it could be about your own upbringing.

I know people who didn't really want to have kids, but once their kids arrived, they couldn't help but love being a parent.

The reality is parenting can be amazing, and it can also be hard and a huge adjustment and depressing.

But it sounds like you're just numb really. Going through the motions. It sounds like you're maybe protecting yourself from old feelings.

OP don't worry about the "it" thing - you've explained yourself well and it's on posters for not reading your replies. Ignore them.

I’m a mental health nurse. It sounds like your childhood might have been quite difficult. Have you had any support around that, like counselling? You say that you experience insomnia? How long has that been the case and have you had any help? How would you consider your mood generally, outside of your relationship with your baby? Sorry for all the questions, just trying to gauge what to advise x

One of my ex boyfriends had his daughter living with him and she stayed with her Mum at the weekends. I can honestly say that no one even raised an eyebrow when I mentioned it.

It's unusual, yes, but not necessarily a big deal. No one asked why. She still had a good relationship with her Mum. I never really gave it much thought either.

I'm not sure how anyone can work and look after a months-old child at the same time without feeling huge resentment. I agree with PPs that you need childcare and support. I am not sure that you can really 'opt out' now. A baby is not a toy you can return to the shop, anything you decide is going to massively affect both you and the child for the rest of your days.

I think you need to explore all other options first - if you decide to leave that’s going to have such a huge impact on the baby and it’s going to be hard to come back from if you change your mind. Arrange childcare so you aren’t having to juggle work and baby. Go to therapy to discuss how you feel - GP for meds/assessment. Speak to your HV. Also I know it’s not the same for everyone and you might truly not want to be a parent, but I like others here also hated the baby stage and felt like I couldn’t do it - for me once baby was around 1 it was so much easier.

Sorry to derail temporarily, but "distracted by work" made me laugh! I have visions of you working (like Homer Simpson) in a nuclear power plant, and pressing the wrong button when something shocking pops up on AIBU.

Most people on here are suggesting that you must have some sort of post partum depression to feel the way you do about motherhood, but I disagree. Before you were pregnant you knew you didn't want to be a mother but were emotionally blackmailed into having your baby. You obviously hoped you would change your mind once your baby was born, but in fact having a baby has made you realise that you were right in thinking you knew what you wanted all along.

This is obviously a very sad situation for everyone involved but it is what it is. You need to sit down with your partner and tell him exactly how you feel. Do not let him make you feel guilty for the way you feel. Feeling like you do is unusual but it doesn't make you a bad person. Then you need to find a solution. Either he becomes a single parent or you have the baby adopted. Your baby is still young enough that they will adapt to a new, situation. Growing up with a single father or being adopted is, I think better than having a mother who does not want to be a mother. My mother hated being a mother and this had a terrible effect on me and my sister. She told us every week growing up that having children had ruined her life. You are a much better person than my mother was, because you can admit that motherhood is not what you want and it never was, but you want to find a solution that's best for your baby.

I wish you good luck with whatever you decide. I for one think you are putting your baby first, whatever other people might say. I wish I had been adopted and brought up by parents who actually wanted to be parents and who wanted me.

How does this help? Do you think the OP doesn't know this?

Im home, so the cost is unnecessary, to be honest, i agree, but ill see that we get childcare though.

Most employers would consider it to be completely wrong to be working from home whilst also looking after a baby or young child.
Look into your employer's policies. It may be that you can tell your DH that you are absolutely not allowed to try and do both, so your baby has to go to proper childcare.

If you are self-employed, this won't apply, but all the same you will feel 100% times better if you can work properly and concentrate in peace knowing the baby is being professionally cared for elsewhere.

Why should leaving altogether not be an option? I wish my mother had left me instead of giving me a horrible childhood where I clearly wasn't wanted and it was made clear to me that I was a massive inconvenience.

The OP sounds like she knows her own mind and I personally think she is trying to do the best thing for her baby, which may in this case be walking away.

@NoisyUmberMentor as others have said, looking after a baby is very different from looking after a child, and each age is different.

Just because you hate the baby stage, don't assume you will always hate being a parent.

It is totally different when they are a toddler and take more interest in the world.
Totally different again when they get to about 5 years old and you can have a conversation.
Totally different again when they are about 9 and are doing all sorts of activities and you see them develop their talents.
Totally different again when they become teenagers.

Hang on in there - it will get better.

Agree. Motherhood is one of those funny things that utterly divides us as a species. People who feel it and relish it simply truly cannot understand that some people find it awful and won't be able to hide the fact from the child in question no matter how many people shout "well you've made your bed now!" at them.

Jeez, some of the judgey reactions on here from people who haven't bothered to read the OPs posts 🙄

@NoisyUmberMentor I'm really sorry you feel this way. It sounds very hard for everyone. I hope you will do as many others have suggested and (a) get proper childcare in place - it is a very long way from being a waste of money (b) talk to a health professional about how you are feeling. It's totally possible that this has nothing to do with mental health but the stakes are high and you really should explore the possibility.

Failing to bond with your baby isn't 'incredibly common' and it is a problem.

Eh? You know the baby has another parent who wants them, right?

It really is very common. It is certainly a problem if you don't feel you can step away. But some people can. And others can just learn to live with it. There are a lot more unspoken heartbreaks in life than we realise.