What should I do if they realize I don’t want to be a parent after having a child?

[NoisyUmberMentor]

I became a parent a while ago, it wasnt planned, my partner wanted to keep it. I agreed, more or less to give it a shot for our relationships sake, even though I wasn’t sure I truly wanted to be a mother.

Now that the child is here and a few months have passed, I’m realizing that I made the wrong choice, not because of the child, but because I dont want it. Im not happy with it. I find no joy in being a mother. There is nothing in it for me, i know thats not what parenting is about “getting something from it”. You put a life into the world without getting something in return, thats kinda the whole thing. But still, I am just unhappy with this all and its affecting pretty much everything else aswell. Im not cut out for this.

I want to say, my partner, as far as Im aware, is doing a good job. He is happy. So its not that i am doing this alone. He is great with it. Im just not.

Im either losing my partner, or im sticking with something that is incredibly depressing to me and affecting my relationship with my partner negatively anyways. Like the relationship is at an all time low. We dont fight, but its just not what it was before. Stress on both ends. We both work and do parenting.

Im lost on what to do. No matter what i do, i feel like im doing the wrong thing. Im contemplating options and none are good. I feel stuck.

I think you need to speak to your partner and be honest about how you feel. It’s your only option.

Ultimately, it would be awful for the child if you left and they grew up thinking you didn’t want them. However, I think this is better than you sticking around and them knowing you didn’t want them.

I am sorry you felt you had to have a child when you didn’t want one. I think you need to assess options and discuss with your partner.

I think you should talk to your health visitor or GP about possibly having post- natal depression also.

Have your partner be the sole carer and have split custody or him have main custody? Would he want this?

Are you on maternity leave? Can you back to work and your partner take shared leave?

I would get a dr/health visitor appointment . I found the first few months pretty depressing and I wanted children. You need to work out ( with help) if this is just how you feel now because baby is young etc or if it is genuinely how you feel. Have you talked to your partner about this?

It sounds like your baby is still very little OP. One of the best things about parenthood is the fact that it constantly changes, it doesn’t stand still for long, so although this part is hard and difficult and there’s not much coming back from your child, that changes.
My advice in addition to the above (seeing a GP to explore PND) would be to get as much help with your child as you can to get through this phase. Childcare, help from family, your partner, as much as there is out there. Even an hour a day to yourself makes a difference.

I was. But i work homeoffice anyways, so im working rn and taking care of the kid. While he is working his job, saving his leave for now. Im ok with that. Like that isnt the issue i have.

Firstly, sorry you’re feeling like this dnd it sounds difficult.
However, You agreed to keep this baby and unfortunately a baby is not like a purchase you regret and has a return policy. It’s also not in the best interest of the child for you to part from them.
It’s important to try to see if there’s any way you can come to terms with this decision. Go and see your gp and explain how you’re feeling just so you can rule out any pnd or physical issues.
Talk to your partner. Really talk to them about exactly how you feel and see if there’s any more support you can get. It might be a cleaner or a nanny or him stepping up more.
If all this fails and you genuinely do want to reject a relationship with your baby then there are options around leaving them in the care of someone else or adoption.

I ensured the grim baby years. I knew this would happen because I've never liked babies much. I hated it (and I didn't have PND). But then they started to talk and they are the best things in the world.

Explore PND with your GP.

Seek as much support as you can from partner and family. It's vital you get regular time to do your hobbies within your baby if you're feeling like this.

Be aware that the first few months are the worst. Onwards and upwards.

What does your day/routine look like? Are you getting out and about every day, meeting friends, going for walks, etc? Are you eating nutritious food?

Working and looking after a baby is madness IMO. If you were just looking after the baby you could get out and about and meeting people. If you were just working, even from home, you can get out and about and have a break.

I was googling local adoption services when DS was a few months old. I hated it, and felt I had ruined my life permanently. But, ultimately, I made the choice to have him, and I needed to step up. By the time he was a year old, I had fallen hard for him, and I'm now delighted I became a parent, even when he's a high-drama 13 year old.

You need to seek support, and find a way to make this workable in the short term for you. A baby is not a reversible decision.

And this. You need childcare.

I have talked to him. But it didnt realy go anywhere. He is worried, cause whatever i do is gonna affect him.

The workload is not the issue for me.

I work from home. I dont want to pause my job. Its something i enjoy doing.

Well if you're a man you just swan off into the sunset to "find yourself" and everyone will give you a round of applause for being such a hands on parent when you see your child every other weekend.

That is an option but you'll get a lot more stick for it than men do. Women realising too late they don't actually want to be parents are stigmatised far, far more. But you can do it if you can live with that.

As patronising as it sounds I'd first explore the possibility of PND, it's very common to feel the way you're feeling in the first months and even years. If you've genuinely just changed your mind and there's no medical reason for your feelings then you have to decide if you're comfortable leaving your child without a mother, or if you can suck it up and find a way to enjoy and appreciate this new life for yourself (which isn't necessarily good for the kid, as the child of a mother who never wanted to be a mother I think my life would've been easier if she'd left).

Of course not, but get childcare so that you are able to focus on your work, rather than trying to look after a baby at the same time!

Im contemplating this. Like i see no improving in our relationship. He is more on terms with being a father. At this point we both have singed out of that. We are roommates now. So hed be the sole caretaker, with me obviously adding to his finances so he can maintain himself. Keep the apartment and what not.

Well done for being brave enough to acknowledge your feelings and say them out loud. I think many women feel this way but hide it because it's rarely talked about.

I remember thinking, "What the fuck have I done?!"

For me, it passed, and whilst I'm not the most maternal, I love the bones of dd and she has brought me immense joy along with the usual stresses of parenting.

First step - remember that this early part is gruelling for everyone, but it will pass.

Second - speak to a professional.

Third - I get that you work from home, but I'd still look into childcare during working hours. Working and having that non-mum time to just be me, not mum, made me a MUCH better parent.

Leaving your child is a huge thing and will have an effect on your child as they grow up. Because of this the right thing to do would be to do everything in your power to make sure it’s not due to post natal depression or other factors. That’ll be the least you should do for your child. Speak to your GP and health visitor and be honest.

If you want to work then do it, but it’s not fair on your child or your workplace to work and do full time childcare. You need to get childcare.

I would really genuinely recommend seeking some support before making a decision.

I don't think your feelings are irrational and I find it strange when the first advice to "this is awful I hate it!" is to doubt someone's sanity. That said, I think there must be some small part of you that is open to enjoying motherhood because you did get through pregnancy and that's no small thing.

You can leave and never see them again (you'll still have to pay, of course, unless you leave the country). I certainly wouldn't judge you for leaving but most people will so you'd need to accept the impact. Your parents and siblings may not want to see you again, people can react viscerally and tend not to be able to empathise with women who can't bear motherhood.

So the easier path is actually probably to find a way to live with it. There's only one kid and soon he'll be old enough to push to the sidelines a bit in your life (again people will judge this sentiment but it's much easier to hide that that's what you're doing than a full on abandonments).

Or you might find you enjoy it at a certain point.

Get childcare during the working day as pp said. Pretty soon your child will sleep less in the day and you’ll need childcare anyway.

Fit in something for YOU every week- a gym class, coffee with a friend. Do this when your partner gets home in the evening or at the weekends. It’s very important for him to have some time solo with the baby so you don’t become default parent.

Again as PP said, having a baby is totally different from having an older child. I thought I’d ruined our lives for the first few months. At 6/7 months it started to feel better and at about 10/11 months dc became actually quite fun. Toddler years were hard work but SO much better than the baby stage. Please don’t make any decisions based on how you are finding having a baby - many many women hate the baby stage including ones who longed to have one.

Agree with PP, you can't both work and look after a baby, no wonder you feel miserable if you are making yourself do that. You need childcare if you want to continue your work.

Post natal depression possibly
But you knew this wasn't for you , before you decided to go ahead with the pregnancy.
So now you have to decide what to do
See if you change your mind as you get used to being a mum .
Or leaving your partner to raise your child alone