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Original poster

DD (16) physically retaliated in a fight with DS (6). I don’t know what to do.

708 replies

CandidPearlWasp · 08/10/2025 14:17

Hi everyone. I’m having a very tough time with my children and hoping for some advice.

My DD is 16, and my son (her half brother) is 6. DD splits her time 50/50 between our house and my ex husband’s house.

Recently my son has been having behavioural challenges. Our physician suspects he has ODD and ADHD, and we are awaiting therapy and services for him. In the meantime, he has explosive and sometimes violent meltdowns and everyday tasks are a battle when he’s not getting his way. He has hit, punched, pulled hair, bit, etc. all of us and it’s been awful, but we can usually deescalate the situation, but since he’s a tall boy and weighs 65lbs it does hurt.

Two weeks ago my DD was in her bedroom watching something on her iPad, which her father bought for her. We do not have one for my son, so he’s been very intrigued by it and she’s let him use it before. This time, he went in and said he wanted to play on it. She said no. He started to have a verbal meltdown and she said “I said no, get out of my room please”. This escalated into him climbing onto her bed, hitting her in the face and pulling her hair. She then grabbed him by the hair, got off the bed by standing up while holding his hair and dragged him out of her room and across the hall by the hair. He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room, said “that doesn’t feel good, does it?” and slammed the door.

I was outside as this happened and alerted by the nanny cam we have downstairs. I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing. My 16 year old came in and got angry with me saying it’s all always about him, even though he was “a little psycho who attacked her”. I told her that I understood it’s not okay he attacked her, but he’s a small child and what she did wasn’t okay. She left for her father’s that night and hasn’t been back, is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother. She’s made it clear to me she thinks she did nothing wrong.

I’m at a loss - about how to handle my son, how to reconnect with my daughter and how to move forward as a family.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 08/10/2025 15:38

Realistically if she has another home to go to where she is not assaulted she’s likely to want to stay there.

I note your child isn’t diagnosed but your doctor has concerns - do you have a referral in?

there are courses on dealing with violent children that you may find helpful.

(I have a child with adhd who has been violent. She is now a young adult).

Cappuccino5 · 08/10/2025 15:38

Sounds fair enough to me. He’ll soon learn not to mess around with her! Why are you more concerned with your DD (rightfully) retaliating than your DS’s bad behaviour? Sort it out OP and teach him some boundaries.

NellieElephantine · 08/10/2025 15:39

Keepingthingsinteresting · 08/10/2025 15:01

Sorry, what? You think a 16 year old girl shouldn’t be able to defend herself. She didn’t beat him to a pulp, she stopped his unprovoked assault and removed him from the space to preserve her safety. If you genuinely think women and girls should have to put up with stuff like this then I sincerely hope you don’t have any daughters.

Edited for typo.

Edited
Show quote history

I was just going to write similar! @LittleYellowQueen . Id be pretty worried about the violence of her reaction to be honest. frankly appalled that your concern of violence only relates to the dd! What should she have handed over her iPad? Stood still and let him assault her?

ThatLadyLady · 08/10/2025 15:39

MemorableTrenchcoat · 08/10/2025 15:38

“He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room”.

You’re clearly keen to downplay DD’s actions, so it cuts both ways.

Show quote history

What OP described isn’t possible. If you attempted to lift a 65lb child by their hair it just wouldn’t happen.

Frogs88 · 08/10/2025 15:40

She’s clearly tired of being attacked in her own home - it’s good that she can go to her dad’s and have some space from this situation. I wouldn’t be trying to force an apology because she clearly feels strongly about this and it’ll likely just cause more resentment. I have a child that behaves similarly and I don’t leave them unsupervised - if I’m going outside for whatever reason then so are they.

Goodadvice1980 · 08/10/2025 15:40

OP YABU.

I’m guessing your ds won’t cross your dd again with that behaviour. There has probably been a build up to this where maybe your dd hasn’t felt listened to. You need to fix this or risk damaging your relationship with her.

Arrange to meet on neutral ground and apologise to her for not listening and protecting her. Your dd doesn’t owe anyone an apology, you and ds do though.

I am glad she has her dads place to live. Her bedroom is a private safe space for her at that age. You need to understand that.

Bloobelly · 08/10/2025 15:40

ThatLadyLady · 08/10/2025 15:39

What OP described isn’t possible. If you attempted to lift a 65lb child by their hair it just wouldn’t happen.

Show quote history

Miss Trunchball would disagree

Candlesandmatches · 08/10/2025 15:41

They had a sibling fight. Ground rules for son and sympathy but also understanding for your daughter who probably feels he is treated differently from her.
And move forward.
Maybe one of the rules is they her room is a no go zone for him.
He hit first and also went to towards here and then experienced the consequences. She sounds quite restrained up to this point. As one of 4 siblings it would have escalated much quicker than this.

LeanIntoChaos · 08/10/2025 15:41

I am a little confused by the "good for her, bet he won't attack her again" responses. Do you all think that corporal punishment is an effective way of parenting children (+/- potential disabilities). Because that is what it seems to be suggesting.

This sounds like a really tricky situation and clearly the little boy is showing some challenging behaviour to all the family. Obviously your daughter shouldn't be exposed to this behaviour and her response albeit understandable, was not right.

I don't think getting hung up on apologies is a sensible way forward but you do need to think how to prevent it happening again and I think you could include your daughter in this and really listen to her. I would say to her "what you did really wasn't right, however, I recognise that you ended up in a really difficult situation and I wasn't there to protect you and you didn't have the tools to manage it, and did the best you could. What could I have done better, what can we do to stop this happening?".

If you haven't already, could you refer yourself to early help who could advise on strategies. Also the book "the explosive child" by Ross Greene is really helpful. I would make a safety plan with your daughter and come up with what she and you will do in similar circumstances and try and assure her that you will step up and protect her. I would also look into getting her registered as a young carer at her school, so she can have additional support there too.

The bottom line is, it's a difficult situation that went to shit and no one comes out of it as a hero. But there are probably things that can happen to prevent it happening so badly again, and as the adult in the situation, you need to take the lead on thinking about how to do this.

ThatNaiceMember · 08/10/2025 15:41

peakedat40 · 08/10/2025 14:20

She lost her temper, which isn’t acceptable but it is hard not to retaliate when someone’s hurting you. I know I’ll be annihilated for that but I do get why she lashed out.

I agree

Snoken · 08/10/2025 15:41

I think all you can do is apologise to your DD for putting all of the blame on her. She might be the oldest but that doesn't mean she deserves to be attacked and then have to apologise for her retaliating. In the meantime just let her live at her dad's house, she clearly isn't happy or safe in your home and no child should have to feel that way.

Algen · 08/10/2025 15:42

MemorableTrenchcoat · 08/10/2025 15:26

Yes, I'm aware of the difference, but the fact remains that virtually any 16 year old female can easily overpower, and do serious damage to, a 6 year old child.

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I’m not sure about that.

I’m thinking of a 6 year old I know who must be about the same size as OP described. If he started violently attacking me, even as a much taller and heavier adult woman I’m not convinced I could actually overpower him, let alone easily. He’s strong.

I also wonder whether OP’s DD deliberately grabbed him by the hair or whether that was just the body part she could most safely reach, if he was lashing out.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 08/10/2025 15:42

ThatLadyLady · 08/10/2025 15:39

What OP described isn’t possible. If you attempted to lift a 65lb child by their hair it just wouldn’t happen.

Show quote history

You can drag someone along, build up a bit of momentum, then throw them forward, quite forcibly, without actually lifting them in the air.

BestZebbie · 08/10/2025 15:42

LittleYellowQueen · 08/10/2025 15:02

I'm not making it up. I'm asking where you would stand if it was a man dragging a small child around by his hair? Im just wondering which classes of people on Mumsnet are within their rights to drag a small child around by their hair.

A 16 year old should know better. It was not self defence. People are expecting an ND 6 year old to control himself, while praising a 16 yo for failing to control herself. Make it make sense.

Show quote history

She removed him, albeit very roughly.
If she had actually lost control she could have broken his bones.

ERthree · 08/10/2025 15:42

You want her to apologise but i bet you never ask him to apologise. You have a child that was an only child for 10 years, now she has to share you and put up with you having having her brother with you 100% of the time whilst she only has you 50% of the time, You get to be a family unit and she doesn't. She also has sibling that is a nightmare. Maybe she needs a bit of understanding from you. When do you ever spend time with just her ? Listen to what she said "it's all about him" Maybe the truth hurts you?
As for her hitting him back, well i hope he learned his lesson.

Zodiacrobat · 08/10/2025 15:43

Your daughter should not be assaulted in her own room in her home. Maybe it’s best she stays at her Dads until
you can stop these attacks.

Jellybunny56 · 08/10/2025 15:43

She’s probably done you a favour in that he will likely think twice before behaving this way again.

wineosaurusrex · 08/10/2025 15:43

Good for her!

ThatLadyLady · 08/10/2025 15:44

MemorableTrenchcoat · 08/10/2025 15:42

You can drag someone along, build up a bit of momentum, then throw them forward, quite forcibly, without actually lifting them in the air.

Show quote history

Which is not as per OP's description, where she states he was lifted off the bed, carried and thrown.

pottylolly · 08/10/2025 15:46

You need to parent your 6 yo better. That means, right now, that you don’t let him out of your sight at home.

SmotheringMonday · 08/10/2025 15:47

Outside of severe or profound learning disabilities, children need to learn that hitting, kicking and punching because you don't get your own way is not allowed.

I have an Audhd, an ADHD and an autistic child (all now young adults) and whilst it took them longer to learn emotional regulation this was VITAL to teach them calmly, kindly and consistently. When there were fights - and there were many - I always ensured that each person understood their role in what happened: "I'm not surprised he hit you, you broke his toy that was very special. You need to apologise for doing that". "I understand that having your toy broken was very upsetting, but it is completely unacceptable to hit people, and now look, you are in more trouble than your brother, when really he started it. You need to apologise for hitting".

What did you do having seen what happened? You rushed in to "comfort and calm" the aggressor. I do understand he's only 6 but soon he will be only 10 and then only 15 and squaring up to people in the street.... You say you can "de-escalate" him, but if that means mollifying/giving in then you are reinforcing that behaviour. It's vital that screaming, hitting etc NEVER result in him getting what he wanted. Even if he cries louder and longer.

NellieElephantine · 08/10/2025 15:47

Am actually wondering if the lock on her door is the best idea, what if he locks them in and attacks her and she can't escape?

Cappuccino5 · 08/10/2025 15:49

LeanIntoChaos · 08/10/2025 15:41

I am a little confused by the "good for her, bet he won't attack her again" responses. Do you all think that corporal punishment is an effective way of parenting children (+/- potential disabilities). Because that is what it seems to be suggesting.

This sounds like a really tricky situation and clearly the little boy is showing some challenging behaviour to all the family. Obviously your daughter shouldn't be exposed to this behaviour and her response albeit understandable, was not right.

I don't think getting hung up on apologies is a sensible way forward but you do need to think how to prevent it happening again and I think you could include your daughter in this and really listen to her. I would say to her "what you did really wasn't right, however, I recognise that you ended up in a really difficult situation and I wasn't there to protect you and you didn't have the tools to manage it, and did the best you could. What could I have done better, what can we do to stop this happening?".

If you haven't already, could you refer yourself to early help who could advise on strategies. Also the book "the explosive child" by Ross Greene is really helpful. I would make a safety plan with your daughter and come up with what she and you will do in similar circumstances and try and assure her that you will step up and protect her. I would also look into getting her registered as a young carer at her school, so she can have additional support there too.

The bottom line is, it's a difficult situation that went to shit and no one comes out of it as a hero. But there are probably things that can happen to prevent it happening so badly again, and as the adult in the situation, you need to take the lead on thinking about how to do this.

It’s not corporal punishment FGS. It’s regular sibling fighting and is a good thing in terms of teaching each other boundaries. Think of it as play fighting in animals.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 08/10/2025 15:49

ThatLadyLady · 08/10/2025 15:44

Which is not as per OP's description, where she states he was lifted off the bed, carried and thrown.

Show quote history

When someone is being pulled by the hair, they have a strong incentive to go in whichever direction they’re being pulled, offering as little resistance as possible. So it probably looks and feels as if they’re being lifted.

Araminta1003 · 08/10/2025 15:49

I think speak to her, do not insist on an apology, get her a lock for her bedroom at yours? Your DS’ behaviour problems should not be her problem too!

If his behaviour does end up improving around her, then perhaps he is more in control of it then you thought. So I would observe that.

It does sound like she went a little too far. No way would my 16 year old ever do that to a 6 year old, no matter what. So I think you need to have a chat with her about it once she is back and has digested it. She went over the top, she used unreasonable force. It was too much. That bit needs discussing.