DD (16) physically retaliated in a fight with DS (6). I don’t know what to do.

[CandidPearlWasp]

Hi everyone. I’m having a very tough time with my children and hoping for some advice.

My DD is 16, and my son (her half brother) is 6. DD splits her time 50/50 between our house and my ex husband’s house.

Recently my son has been having behavioural challenges. Our physician suspects he has ODD and ADHD, and we are awaiting therapy and services for him. In the meantime, he has explosive and sometimes violent meltdowns and everyday tasks are a battle when he’s not getting his way. He has hit, punched, pulled hair, bit, etc. all of us and it’s been awful, but we can usually deescalate the situation, but since he’s a tall boy and weighs 65lbs it does hurt.

Two weeks ago my DD was in her bedroom watching something on her iPad, which her father bought for her. We do not have one for my son, so he’s been very intrigued by it and she’s let him use it before. This time, he went in and said he wanted to play on it. She said no. He started to have a verbal meltdown and she said “I said no, get out of my room please”. This escalated into him climbing onto her bed, hitting her in the face and pulling her hair. She then grabbed him by the hair, got off the bed by standing up while holding his hair and dragged him out of her room and across the hall by the hair. He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room, said “that doesn’t feel good, does it?” and slammed the door.

I was outside as this happened and alerted by the nanny cam we have downstairs. I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing. My 16 year old came in and got angry with me saying it’s all always about him, even though he was “a little psycho who attacked her”. I told her that I understood it’s not okay he attacked her, but he’s a small child and what she did wasn’t okay. She left for her father’s that night and hasn’t been back, is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother. She’s made it clear to me she thinks she did nothing wrong.

I’m at a loss - about how to handle my son, how to reconnect with my daughter and how to move forward as a family.

If he's tall for his age & weighs 65lbs she might not have been easily able to carry him out or push him out of her room.

It does sound awful that pulled/dragged him by his hair but he was deliberately pulling her hair & hitting her face & she wanted him out of her room.

You have said yourself that it hurts when he hits/bites/pulls hair.

I'm with your daughter, she has taught him actions have consequences.

Regardless of neuro diversity, all children know hitting others is wrong. Now he knows he will be hit back he might think twice about using violence as an option to get his own way.

She probably could have done if she'd wanted but she showed restraint by removing him from her bedroom and dispatching him to his own bedroom. If she'd flung him to the floor and kicked him in the face I might feel different, but all she did was pull his hair, which he had already done to her.

It is difficult to manage the needs of more than one child, even more so when one has special needs. That said, you shouldn’t leave the younger one unsupervised with her if he has form for this. I know it’s a pain. I know you can’t be alone. I know you will struggle to get stuff done but that’s just the way it is.

You should have seen if your older child was ok. No wonder she doesn’t want to come home. This was caused by the youngest not being supervised, which unfortunately is on you. You need to apologise and so does the younger child. It’s not ok. Act fast before you lose the older one.

Her 6 year old is, by her description, a lot larger than an average 6 year old. He is physically violent all the time. She started off calm and he attacked her. Was she supposed to let herself get hurt and her belongings damaged?

Yes she shouldn't have done it but he should have taken her first answer and left. He should be made to apologise first, he is not a toddler so should have a grasp of right and wrong. If he apologises first she might apologise as well, but I dont think she should have to as I think she just reacted after getting to the end of her tether.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but your son needs to think harder about treating others as he would like to be treated. Your daughter was right, it didn't feel good, did it? Was he even sorry? Probably not because you immediately went and comforted him whilst ignoring your daughter.

Not a great situation and must be very difficult but I have a feeling should she come back he’s unlikely to do it again.

I’m not about to congratulate her, but by the same token I can’t blame her. Being battered by an out of control child hurts, no matter what the age gap is. If this is the first time she has lashed out, then it’s clearly not something that comes naturally to her. She’s only human and she was pushed to the edge. She must have the patience of a saint, poor girl.

It sounds as if she did fling him to the floor of his room.

This is so hard for you OP and you have my sympathy.

Heartbreaking as it would be for you, perhaps she would benefit from more time at her dad’s house? These are key years for her and she’s still in the thick of adolescence, living with the constant threat of being hit, kicked and bitten and having your possessions destroyed is very extreme.

Does she have a lock on her bedroom door that she can use?

When you finally manage to speak to her I would apologise for what happened and ask to talk about steps you could take together to make life easier for her at home. Things like a lock on her door. Acknowledge that it isn’t fair what she has to deal with and tell her you do know and you are sorry. If she says she wants to live at her dad’s then I think you should say that that makes you very sad because you’d miss her so much but that you want what’s best for her and you hope she’ll change her mind but you won’t drag her home. Arrange a time to pick her up and do something together and go from there.

Siblings of children with disabilities or mental health, or other health issues are often required to take a back seat to their siblings. Managed well by parents, this often doesn’t cause huge issues but when that sibling is violent it’s a whole other ball game.

The age difference alone OP would make it different to find things that everyone likes doing and I would ask yourself are your DS needs always put first ?

Regarding the violence , I imagine your DD is disgusted with herself so I would just move on from it but have a conversation with your DS around benaviour having consequences and with your DD around calling you immediately if he kicks off again.

She needs a lock on her door too

OP doesn't say that anywhere. And she's clearly keen to paint this incident as dramatic as possible on DD's behalf.

That poor girl needs a lock on her bedroom door.

She's obviously sick to death of her brothers behaviour whenever he doesn't get exactly what he wants.

She manhandled someone who was attacking her out of her private room. I don't think she has done anything wrong really. I'd be speaking to her and asking what she wants to be put in place for her to come back. A lock on her bedroom door (that she can lock from either side, if he goes in and trashes her stuff) might be a good start

She went to far and should not have pulled him by the hair. But also he will learn a valuable lesson about attacking people bigger and stronger than himself.
I would stop trying to apportion blame and get apologies and approach it along the lines of how to stop it happening again.

This is one of those situations where, although your DD acted incorrectly and was out-of-line, it's hard not to think that your DS got his comeuppance.

Honestly, OP, if the net outcome of this is that your DS doesn't cross your DD again in a hurry (because he believes retribution will be swift and painful), then it's hard not to think that this is a good outcome for your household.

If you look at your DD's behaviour closely, which parts do you think were unacceptable? Personally I think she was entitled to defend herself and to remove her brother physically from her room (and you need to get her a lock for her door, if she doesn't have one already). I think the hair-pulling was out-of-line and excessive, assuming she could have managed to get DS out of her room without it.

It's not on her to manage and de-escalate your DS's behaviour, she's entitled to take action just to get him out of her face and her space and leave you to deal with a wound-up DS.

Moving forward:

• Put a lock on her door.
• Acknowledge that her behaviour wasn't vindictive, just perhaps a bit excessive.
• Apologise for the incident, acknowledge that she was frustrated, but maybe ask her to be more restrained in kicking out DS in future.

If your dd acted like this every time that her brother was annoying then Yanbu to expect an apology but something tells me that this is a last straw situation and that she normally accepts her brother’s behaviour.

It’s unreasonable to expect her to take the violence like a parent when she isn’t his parent and adults find it hard enough to tolerate it. She is a teen and in a “normal” household, she’d be allowed to have impulsive incidents but it sounds like her brother’s behaviour means that she is treated a lot older rather than a child in her own right too.

What would an apology achieve? Dd and ds don’t care and dd being the only one to apologise proves her point that it’s all about her brother. It must be difficult growing up with a sibling with SN. Some sympathy towards her for the loss of attention, time and home life experience wouldn’t go amiss. Let her bitch about the crap times and don’t get defensive or stick up for ds during this chat. She’s been dealt a difficult hand and I get the impression that it’s unusual for her for react like this.

Don't blame her honestly.

The way she reacted was not ideal but you need to see it as a sign your older child has reached breaking point. She is also a child and a human, people can and do eventually lose thier shit under extreme constant pressure. Having your room invaded, your stuff demanded of you and then hit for not instantly capitulating is horrible for a teen girl.

I say this as a parent of large age gap children, whose youngest sibling is ASD, ADHD and PDA and is very stressful to live with.

you need to talk with her and say “whilst what happened shouldn’t have happened, and I mean both of you not just you or him, I think you’re really struggling with your brothers behaviour and I’m sorry, it IS hard to cope with for all of us, but especially for you because he’s your brother not your child. I’m going to look at ways I can manage his behaviour better and give you more safety starting with a lock on your room. I never want to see what happened happen again because we can’t assault a 6 year old even if he hits us first but I totally recognise how stressful being attacked like that is and I was impressed that before he attacked you that handled your boundaries with him so well. I love you both and I’m going to better for both of you. Can you think of anything else besides being able to lock your door that might help you feel safer and less on edge?”

What she described isn’t even possible.

How many times has she not lashed out at him when she’s been attacked? If she comes back, supervise your son 100% of the time, and get her a lick for her door. You can also make time for her that doesn’t involve your youngest in any way.

“He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room”.

You’re clearly keen to downplay DD’s actions, so it cuts both ways.

The answer to stopping this happening in future is to keep him in yours or his fathers line of sight. He is 6.

We have an autistic 6 year old and to be honest he is never anywhere that there isn't an adult.

Don't parentify your 16 year old by expecting her to deal with your sons extreme emotional and physical responses. It is not her job. Neither is expecting her to put up with being attacked.