DD (16) physically retaliated in a fight with DS (6). I don’t know what to do.

[CandidPearlWasp]

Hi everyone. I’m having a very tough time with my children and hoping for some advice.

My DD is 16, and my son (her half brother) is 6. DD splits her time 50/50 between our house and my ex husband’s house.

Recently my son has been having behavioural challenges. Our physician suspects he has ODD and ADHD, and we are awaiting therapy and services for him. In the meantime, he has explosive and sometimes violent meltdowns and everyday tasks are a battle when he’s not getting his way. He has hit, punched, pulled hair, bit, etc. all of us and it’s been awful, but we can usually deescalate the situation, but since he’s a tall boy and weighs 65lbs it does hurt.

Two weeks ago my DD was in her bedroom watching something on her iPad, which her father bought for her. We do not have one for my son, so he’s been very intrigued by it and she’s let him use it before. This time, he went in and said he wanted to play on it. She said no. He started to have a verbal meltdown and she said “I said no, get out of my room please”. This escalated into him climbing onto her bed, hitting her in the face and pulling her hair. She then grabbed him by the hair, got off the bed by standing up while holding his hair and dragged him out of her room and across the hall by the hair. He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room, said “that doesn’t feel good, does it?” and slammed the door.

I was outside as this happened and alerted by the nanny cam we have downstairs. I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing. My 16 year old came in and got angry with me saying it’s all always about him, even though he was “a little psycho who attacked her”. I told her that I understood it’s not okay he attacked her, but he’s a small child and what she did wasn’t okay. She left for her father’s that night and hasn’t been back, is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother. She’s made it clear to me she thinks she did nothing wrong.

I’m at a loss - about how to handle my son, how to reconnect with my daughter and how to move forward as a family.

I very much feel for your daughter actually

How do you know? OP has stated that her DS is tall for his age and weighs nearly 5 stone. She's said nothing about her DD's height and weight. My own 16 year old DD is 5' 2" and must weigh around 7 or 8 stone (to look at; I've no idea, just that she's a healthy size). There may not be a huge difference in mass between the two of them.

Good for her - you should listen to your daughter if you want a relationship with her again.

It’s not the ADHD it’s the ODD which is making him behave this way. It’s a much more serious, problematic issue in terms of antisocial behaviour.

Exactly this. Bet it smarts more because he is a half brother which may be a point of resentment anyway

She’s 16 she lost her rag it’s understandable.
She needs a safe space in your home. She should have a lock on her door and your son not go in her room.
You need to be in hearing distance at all times.
Your son needs routines to maintain boundaries. If he’s not allowed free access to the iPad don’t let him have it as it’s confusing for him. With my son he has his iPad one hour a day and that’s his time so he know the boundary. He’s not allowed it at any other time.

Her innocence probably actually will help your son to know it's not OK to hurt others because some people might retaliate , I know what she did isn't politically correct but why haven't you taught her what he's like

Sorry you are in this situation OP. I have a similar dynamic (though full not half siblings). Dd14 is NT and Dd10 (just) has ADHD (possibly other stuff,not sure).
Dd10 can be aggressive. Usually either DH, or preferably I, step in to try to diffuse/avoid the worst of it.

We have talked to DD14 to ask her, where possible, to walk away at the first sign of trouble, even if it means leaving her own room (and leaving DD10 in there). She does occasionally retaliate and we don't tell her off about it, but she has never done anything as harsh as what you describe your DD did.

Once everyone is calm we speak separately about what we could all do differently next time and try to assign blame. This does involve some tough conversations with Dd10 about the impact of her actions, even if she was in fight flight and unable to use her rational brain. We try to explain that we know she didn't set out to hurt, but that's what she did. We explain that we understand why she felt angry (e.g. at being told no) but that it's not ok to respond like she did.

We remind DD14 to shout for us asap and leave the situation (even if her sister is destroying things in Dd14's room) and that we will mend/tidy up/replace if it comes to that.

I imagine your DD was fed up of DS behaviour and snapped, but what she did sounds disproportionate when we're talking a 6 year old who struggles with impulse control.

You have had some really harsh responses from other PP, that show a lack of understanding of how an ADHD brain works and perhaps also lack the compassion that someone who has been in your shoes might have.

It's hard, I feel for you. See if you can meet your daughter somewhere neutral and explain beforehand that you don't want to tell her off, that she and your ds are equally as important to you, and that you just want to repair things and to find a way that you can resume the 50/50 (or any other pattern) even if not completely as before.

At 16 she should be able to at least understand more about how ADHD can affect young brains, if you can find the right way to explain it, so that even if things are still difficult in the moment you can agree some strategies that allow her to walk away and not engage. My older DD needs regular gentle reminders, framed in a 'it's better for all of us if we accommodate in xyz way', even if it seems unfair to her. I explain that I know it's not fair and there's a reason for that and she gets it even if she doesn't like it. I try to make sure I spend time just with her when possible so she knows we appreciate the adjustments and sacrifices she has to make to help us all live a calmer life with her younger sister.

Good luck x

But obviously a 16 year old should know better than a 6 year old!

His behaviour was appalling. Hers was literally criminal.

Ridiculous thing to say about a child with potential ODD and ADHD.

My 7 year nephew (with suspected SEN issues, but his mother -my sister- refuses to have him checked) goes into similar violent rages and attacks whomever is near. He is of a similar weight as described, and a couple of times I have had to stop him attacking his brother, I had serious trouble physically blocking him (without hurting him, obviously). And I am quite fit. There is no way the DD was able to lift him by the hair, specially in the midst of rage when he does not control his strength.

In all honesty, I think this a positive thing!
Im sure I'll get flamed for this opinion but regardless of any behavioural diagnosis, your son has learnt a valuable lesson.
Why should he be allowed to physically attack people with no consequences? His diagnosis doesn't excuse his behaviour.
I too have children in my family with ASD/ADHD and despite what people say, they do use it as an excuse for their bad behaviour and physically violent outbursts. Sounds awful but im secretly hoping that someone will retaliate physically one day so they finally realise that every action has a reaction!

Good for him to learn early that if you hit people, they may hit back

So sorry to hear this, nightmare.

I have to admit that I am on DD side, it's a tough scenario. But having said that - DS needs parenting, but it isn't her job to be his parent.

Get outside help from wherever you can get it, and good luck.

Your poor daughter likely has had enough. Your son needs to be made aware of boundaries and apologise to his sister.

Does he behave like this at school?
Can the staff control it to keep other kids safe?
Are other kids expected to put up with it?
Was it a 'meltdown' (in what way was he overloaded?) or has he learnt that people will do almost anything to appease his violence?
Your poor daughter. Have you apologised? Has her brother? Have you promised at the very least a lock on the door for if she ever feels she is able to visit again?

There's no way in hell I would be forcing her to say sorry. One day your son will be a man. One day your daughter might be in a relationship with a man with a temper.
Yes she's older but she's still a child herself. She shouldn't be attacked in the first place and it's your job to protect both of your children.
Apologise to your daughter, take her out, and remind your son that he must keep his hands to himself.

Yet such a popular opinion…

Did you read the OP? The DD absolutely did not just remove him from her room and shut the door. That sounds as if she just led him or lifted him over the threshold. She dragged him BY HIS HAIR out of her room, across the landing, and flung him into his own room. BY HIS HAIR!

Excellent post by @MaurineWayBackat 17.18

Your soon is a risk to the other members of the family. This is not OK. Maybe your daughter went over the top but I completely sympathise. Poor girl.

I would love to know the answer to this but I bet the OP won’t reply.

Does he attack other children his own age like this?

Nah she did what any sensible older sister would do when their parent lets the younger ones get away with violence. He’ll learn a valuable lesson that not everyone in life will tolerate his violence like his parents do.

If you don’t like her methods then you need to find a way to protect her better from him.

Realistically she probably grabbed him by the hair and started walking and he walked along because otherwise it would hurt. I very much doubt she literally dragged him by the hair along the floor, to be honest.