DD (16) physically retaliated in a fight with DS (6). I don’t know what to do.

[CandidPearlWasp]

Hi everyone. I’m having a very tough time with my children and hoping for some advice.

My DD is 16, and my son (her half brother) is 6. DD splits her time 50/50 between our house and my ex husband’s house.

Recently my son has been having behavioural challenges. Our physician suspects he has ODD and ADHD, and we are awaiting therapy and services for him. In the meantime, he has explosive and sometimes violent meltdowns and everyday tasks are a battle when he’s not getting his way. He has hit, punched, pulled hair, bit, etc. all of us and it’s been awful, but we can usually deescalate the situation, but since he’s a tall boy and weighs 65lbs it does hurt.

Two weeks ago my DD was in her bedroom watching something on her iPad, which her father bought for her. We do not have one for my son, so he’s been very intrigued by it and she’s let him use it before. This time, he went in and said he wanted to play on it. She said no. He started to have a verbal meltdown and she said “I said no, get out of my room please”. This escalated into him climbing onto her bed, hitting her in the face and pulling her hair. She then grabbed him by the hair, got off the bed by standing up while holding his hair and dragged him out of her room and across the hall by the hair. He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room, said “that doesn’t feel good, does it?” and slammed the door.

I was outside as this happened and alerted by the nanny cam we have downstairs. I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing. My 16 year old came in and got angry with me saying it’s all always about him, even though he was “a little psycho who attacked her”. I told her that I understood it’s not okay he attacked her, but he’s a small child and what she did wasn’t okay. She left for her father’s that night and hasn’t been back, is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother. She’s made it clear to me she thinks she did nothing wrong.

I’m at a loss - about how to handle my son, how to reconnect with my daughter and how to move forward as a family.

Are you going to quote everyone on this thread who thinks the same about the situation as I do? If so, it's going to take you quite a while!

For sure she's been pushed by his behaviour previously, although mysteriously OP doesn't take that into consideration... .

She was minding her own business and he HIT her in the face and pulled her hair.
That is not ok.

Actions have consequences, something kids don’t seem to learn anymore due to this gentle nonsense.
He wasn’t getting his own way so he hit her in the face. Thats absolutely not ok and he needed a swift consequence, which he got.

Serves him right, he sounds like a badly behaved little shit. Won’t do it again, will he?

Oh, stop with the faux outrage. He hit her in the face, he got exactly what he deserved in return. Serves him right. Perhaps he won't behave like such a little shit in the future.

@CandidPearlWasp the question is, has he tried to do it again to anyone else since? I doubt it.

I don’t know when ADHD has become this get-out-of-jail card for any and every behaviour but it won’t help your son. I know quite a few people with ADHD, including my partner, and even ODD doesn’t automatically mean physical aggression.

Sometimes a dropkick from your sister/cousin/peer does more for one’s behaviour than years of parenting. He probably has learned an important lesson that has been a long time coming. Just be supportive going forward and maybe don’t leave him alone near his sister.

Having watched my undoubtedly ADHD and ASD sister get beaten for bad behaviour and turning round and doing it again I can categorically state that hitting a kid who hits doesn't stop it. My son has had violent outbursts which have been dealt with with I put from neuropsychology and massively reduced while my sister was angry, confused and violent all through childhood and early adulthood. You don't hit kids. ..

That said when I know my son is dysregulated he wouldn't have the opportunity to go in anyone's room and attack them. You need much better supervision of your disabled 6 yr old op. Both children suffered because you weren't where you should have been a child with ADHD and violent outbursts needs to be treated similar to a toddler in that you need to be right there to intervene immediately.

You also need consequences, de escalation tactics and somewhere he can be taken to calm his nervous system, talk through the triggers and get apologies and repair in place.you can't expect either of them to be assaulted like that in their own home and it's on you stop it.

I bet he won’t be doing that again in a hurry.

Good for your daughter. Bet your son won’t do that to her again.

maybe if his behaviour is like this you need to be with h8m all the time and not in the garden? He sounds like he needs constant adult supervision.

He also pulled her hair didn’t he?

siblings do fight. That part of growing up.

Yes in an ideal world she shouldn't have reacted but equally your ds was in the wrong to hit first.

In all.horstly would you have told her to give him the jPad to avoid him kicking off?

Maybe she does feel resentful towards him. She's only at your house 50% of the time so maybe feel that she's outsider.

I feel sorry for your dd tbh.

My sister with ADHD got hit, beaten, walloped, treated appallingly for bad behaviour, it just made her angrier and more emotional and more ashamed and more likely to lash out, because that's how the condition works. Yes you need to find a way to de escalate, to stop violent outbursts etc but beating kids to stop them hitting doesn't work.

I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing.

Why didn't you rush into your daughter's room to calm her down when she'd been assaulted by your son?

Your poor, poor daughter. Parent your son better. You clearly let him get away with murder.

He can learn the lesson now, or learn it later when he tries it on a random person.

You should have been supervising if he acts so violently. Just because they’re related doesn’t make her his punchbag.

She was also in a rage, why is his strength super human but she's still frail in rage?

Of course, but this was a one off fight between siblings.

I’m absolutely not saying that OP should do it, but his sister handing it back to him might have gotten the message through. We just don’t know, it depends on the individual and now it’s on OP and her partner to keep dealing with it.

It reads as though you think she should accept the hitting. He entered her room and just started hitting her on the head.

Obviously she shouldn't retaliate. But how is she supposed to just put up with that violence? Why is she supposed to have emotional maturity beyond that of many adults?

If he gets to 10 still behaving like this, his behaviour will also be criminal.

The teenage child has no safe space from violence in her own home. Nowhere. I assume she’ll move out at the earliest opportunity.

I feel for everyone here but for her most of all.

I have a 7 yr old who when badly managed can have these violent outbursts (because he's very well managed and 100% supervised it's very rare these days) but I can tell you now it wouldn't matter how hard someone fought against him when he's dysregulated he doesn't have a control over his response. Much better at 7 than he was at 6 but that has been due to constant teaching and management of his emotional regulation. Because that's what works, helping these kids learn to manage their responses and giving them plenty of emotional, sensory and activity outlets. I guarantee you could physically retaliate on my son all you like, he'd be more likely to seek you out to repeat it when dysregulated. Kids with ADHD seek dopamine and conflict can be a source of dopamine for their brains.

I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing.

Perhaps if you didn't pander to his "wailing" he'd be better behaved. Let him bloody wail. He assaulted his sister. Hit her in the face for no reason. This is absolutely on you, and the fact that you rushed straight in to calm HIM after he'd assaulted your daughter speaks volumes about how you parent him, what you let him get away with, and why he behaves like he does. Do better.

To be clear op is handling this appallingly, if I were the daughter at that age I may have retaliated too! I'm just saying it's not going to be some big positive everyone is citing here. The situation needs dealt with for both kids immediately

He hasn't even been diagnosed yet, and may never be. (He may have just learnt to get a lot of attention by appalling behaviour.) But whether he has these conditions or not, in his life to come he isn't going to be surrounded by people with the time or understanding to help him 'deregulate'. He's going to be with his peers, people in shops and playgrounds, people with younger kids than himself with things he possibly wants. It's high time he learnt that 'No' means 'No.'

Your daughter took charge of a situation that you are failing to. She should feel safe in her own home. Sort out your son’s behaviour.

It’s about time someone showed him the consequences of his actions. He will attack
the wrong person one day and get badly injured. Keep hammering home to him that what happened was a result of him lashing out and if he doesn’t want it to happen again he keeps his hands and feet to himself. Despite ND he can’t just attack others.

He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room, said “that doesn’t feel good, does it?” and slammed the door.
I was outside as this happened and alerted by the nanny cam we have downstairs. I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing.

Hold on - how do you know he was "screaming in pain and fear" as she threw him into his room if you weren't in the house when it happened? Because in the next sentence you say you were outside, and you ran in and rushed into his room where he was wailing. After the event. You didn't even see what happened - you weren't there.
You have created the dramatic narrative you want here, to paint your son, who assaulted his sister, as the victim, when you weren't even in the vicinity to witness it. It's absolutely clear from that why he behaves the way he does. Because you pander to him.