DD (16) physically retaliated in a fight with DS (6). I don’t know what to do.

[CandidPearlWasp]

Hi everyone. I’m having a very tough time with my children and hoping for some advice.

My DD is 16, and my son (her half brother) is 6. DD splits her time 50/50 between our house and my ex husband’s house.

Recently my son has been having behavioural challenges. Our physician suspects he has ODD and ADHD, and we are awaiting therapy and services for him. In the meantime, he has explosive and sometimes violent meltdowns and everyday tasks are a battle when he’s not getting his way. He has hit, punched, pulled hair, bit, etc. all of us and it’s been awful, but we can usually deescalate the situation, but since he’s a tall boy and weighs 65lbs it does hurt.

Two weeks ago my DD was in her bedroom watching something on her iPad, which her father bought for her. We do not have one for my son, so he’s been very intrigued by it and she’s let him use it before. This time, he went in and said he wanted to play on it. She said no. He started to have a verbal meltdown and she said “I said no, get out of my room please”. This escalated into him climbing onto her bed, hitting her in the face and pulling her hair. She then grabbed him by the hair, got off the bed by standing up while holding his hair and dragged him out of her room and across the hall by the hair. He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room, said “that doesn’t feel good, does it?” and slammed the door.

I was outside as this happened and alerted by the nanny cam we have downstairs. I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing. My 16 year old came in and got angry with me saying it’s all always about him, even though he was “a little psycho who attacked her”. I told her that I understood it’s not okay he attacked her, but he’s a small child and what she did wasn’t okay. She left for her father’s that night and hasn’t been back, is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother. She’s made it clear to me she thinks she did nothing wrong.

I’m at a loss - about how to handle my son, how to reconnect with my daughter and how to move forward as a family.

Your post comes across as very one sided to your son. If that’s coming across to me it will be coming across to your daughter in spades.
Your daughter sounds very sensible and has asked him clearly to leave. He’s then hit her in face which is extremely aggressive and a horrible thing to happen to her. Then he’s continued assaulting her by pulling her hair.
She’s removed him from her space which seems best option.
It’s telling you went to him first because he was wailing not your child who had been assaulted in an unprovoked attack. Expect her to apologise not him.
I hope you can use this as evidence to get ds support he needs. He’s only 4 years off age of criminal responsibility if you are in England.
It’s probably best she lives with dad where she is safe for now.

What comfort did you give your DD who was hit in the face and had her hair pulled? Yes your DS needs support but it sounds very much like you cuddled and comforted him, acknowledging his pain, but got angry with your DD who was also hurt. You challenged her behaviour but not his giving a clear message (in your behaviour) that he should be given a free pass and she should accept it. Thats not a message I’d be giving any girl in any circumstances.

She’s only 16, still a child at an age where it’s hard to control emotions. What she did wasn’t right, but it was understandable, especially when the younger child behaves so badly.

You need to talk and listen to your DD.

Completely agree. She was totally within her rights to retaliate.

If someone hit me in the face and pulled my hair, I’d defend myself. With a 6 year old that would mean using restraint and removing the child bit I’m an adult and trained in safe restraint, the teenage daughter doesn’t have those skills.

She removed him from her room the best way she knew how in the moment. Yes there are better ways but I imagine the capacity to reach for a better way was beyond her in the moment.

FAFO 🤷🏼‍♀️ you should have been strong in your stance to your DS that attacking someone is not acceptable. He needs to learn because one day he might do it to someone who won’t limit things to har pulling…

She didn’t do it because he was annoying her.
She did it because he was physically attacking her and she was defending herself.

Why are you lying about that?

Wow, what a pile on

I feel for all the people involved here

Well done to your daughter.

So Op what should she have done iyo & what would you have done?

I’m actually proud of that girl for exercising boundaries and not putting up with shit. Yes, even from a smaller child. I wish so many 16 year old girls were similarly empowered. Shame she had to run away to her father because her own mother won’t support her.

I think I’d be reassuring my daughter that when she visits, there will be a lock on her door to keep him out.

Hw did OP know exactly what happened in her daughter’s bedroom? Presumably she doesn’t have a camera in there. Maybe just another goading post.

Has your son apologised? What are the consequences?

Apparently so if they are related and the 6 year old likely has SEN 🙁

Im a bit shocked by some of these responses. I could understand an instant short sharp shock of a retaliation against a very young sibling but what she did just seems so over the top and prolonged. Id be so disappointed in both of them, her more than him, and also sorry they were both in that situation 😕

If I were your daughter, I'd feel very let down by you. I quietly applaud her for putting manners on him. Better he learns now than later in life.
And you cant actually expect her to apologise? It appears as though you favour him. You havent protected her and your home seems like an unsafe environment. Why would she want to ever go back to that?

OP mentions a nanny cam, doesn't say where, landing, DS bedroom or wherever. 🤷‍♀️

If your DS knows DD has been punished one way or another, he may continue to annoy her physically, knowing she will not be able to fight back because he will tell mummy so she will get into more trouble.

I’m another one who doesn’t think she did anything wrong.

She shouldn't have lost her temper, and arguably should apologise to her brother for physically over-reacting, but your post doesn't say anything about whether he's apologised to her.

She sounds very resentful that everything is all about her half-brother and his additional needs and the way you are framing this story makes me suspect she has a point.

Is her brother more restrained around her now? Has he at least learned anything from this?

If I were you, I would pour empathy at her, acknowledge how hard it is to stay calm when he's being so vile, tell her what she did was unacceptable but you entirely understand, and aplogise for seeming to take her brother's side.

And I would make her brother apologise to HER.

There has probably been a build up in which daughter has been putting up with absolute s**t. She finally snapped. She wasn't protected. It's what happens. She probably did him a favour by putting a boundary down. Now he knows what it feels like. In years gone by my mother would threatened us with a wooden spoon. We knew how to behave and it set us up for life.
I'd be more frustrated with mum in this scenario.

But not in her daughter’s bedroom or at least I hope not.

I agree - she defended herself and removed him, which is not the same thing as retaliating.

As everyone has said, OP, you need to be very careful. She is not his mother and she doesn't owe him a mother's unconditional love - and she doesn't owe you that either. It's horribly easy to fracture that bond.

Completely agree. It is natural to try and defend yourself when attacked, it's reflexive. I don't actually think it's a bad thing for him to understand what it feels like when he does it either.