DD (16) physically retaliated in a fight with DS (6). I don’t know what to do.

[CandidPearlWasp]

Hi everyone. I’m having a very tough time with my children and hoping for some advice.

My DD is 16, and my son (her half brother) is 6. DD splits her time 50/50 between our house and my ex husband’s house.

Recently my son has been having behavioural challenges. Our physician suspects he has ODD and ADHD, and we are awaiting therapy and services for him. In the meantime, he has explosive and sometimes violent meltdowns and everyday tasks are a battle when he’s not getting his way. He has hit, punched, pulled hair, bit, etc. all of us and it’s been awful, but we can usually deescalate the situation, but since he’s a tall boy and weighs 65lbs it does hurt.

Two weeks ago my DD was in her bedroom watching something on her iPad, which her father bought for her. We do not have one for my son, so he’s been very intrigued by it and she’s let him use it before. This time, he went in and said he wanted to play on it. She said no. He started to have a verbal meltdown and she said “I said no, get out of my room please”. This escalated into him climbing onto her bed, hitting her in the face and pulling her hair. She then grabbed him by the hair, got off the bed by standing up while holding his hair and dragged him out of her room and across the hall by the hair. He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room, said “that doesn’t feel good, does it?” and slammed the door.

I was outside as this happened and alerted by the nanny cam we have downstairs. I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing. My 16 year old came in and got angry with me saying it’s all always about him, even though he was “a little psycho who attacked her”. I told her that I understood it’s not okay he attacked her, but he’s a small child and what she did wasn’t okay. She left for her father’s that night and hasn’t been back, is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother. She’s made it clear to me she thinks she did nothing wrong.

I’m at a loss - about how to handle my son, how to reconnect with my daughter and how to move forward as a family.

She was right to do that and I hope he’s learned from it!

In an ideal world, she shouldn't have hurt him. But honestly, she's 16. He has form for being violent but nobody was supervising him. Your dd responded angrily to an unprovoked attack in her own bedroom.

I don't suppose your dd has had any training on nonviolent restraining techniques, so what was she supposed to do? Sit back and let him attack her? Give in to his demand for her iPad?

If your ds can't manage his emotions or his behaviour independently, then you need to ensure that he is supervised at all times. It is not fair for your dd to be at risk in her own home.

Get her a door lock

Tbh, it sounds like you might have expected too much from your dd and too little from your ds for quite some time. Your dd is clearly not on board with how you are handling your ds’s rages and does not feel protected or supported by you. She is only 16. Maybe you have treated her too much like a mini adult for too long and she finally flipped.

Me too. Good for her, all the potential labels in the world don't excuse your sons behavior. Perhaps he'll think twice now and also pay more attention to your daughters well being too.

But the sexes aren't reversed are they. My son was a big lad at 6 years old (rather like the OP's son) and he also had similar problems. I was just 5ft 1" and weighed under 8 stone. I assure you he could, and did, kick the bloody living crap out of me. The DD needs protecting if she's going to be assaulted in her own home.

Im not surprised your daughter attacked him back. I bet your so soft with your son and alot harder on your daughter. It wouldn't surprise me of she moved in with her dad permanently. It would deserve you well. How do you manage his outbursts? Control your son. He will only get bigger and stronger.

We don't have all the details, but many 16 year old girls are barely 7 or 8 stone themselves. The OP's DS weighs nearly 5 stone, and is described as "tall" by the OP. It's not that easy to overpower an obstinate child who is three quarters as heavy as yourself, without resorting to "fighting dirty", as the furious DD did.

I agree that the DD should have a lock on her door, with a key each for her and OP, that in no circumstances should be ever be able to get into the DS' hands. In addition, the DD should be able to communicate with OP or OP's DP immediately, at any time, to tell them to come remove DS from her presence if he is acting up. This could be via mobile phones or intercom with landline handsets. This, of course, assuming the DD doesn't decide to stay with her DF permanently.

A 16 year old's bedroom should be their haven, for sleep, relaxation, leisure, studying etc. Not for being attacked by little siblings who don't like not getting their own way. Time to redress that for your DD, OP.

She didn’t do anything wrong. Hopefully it will teach him a lesson. Sorry for your situation, OP, but don’t excuse his bad behaviour and make it her problem.

Having your hair pulled is awful. It can cause concussion and neck injuries like you say. Especially when done in anger.

Being grabbed by, yanked and dragged out of a room, down the hall into another room and thrown onto the bed BY THE HAIR is therefore?

It should be your DS apologising to your DD to be honest. No wonder she feels sidelined! Perhaps she could have a lock on her bedroom door to keep her safe? I have a 7 year old DS (also SEN) and he’s always in the same room as me.

Physically impossible?

OP mentions her son is on the larger side. Doesn’t mention her daughter’s weight so she’s likely average.

I am 26, I’ve been weight training for a year and I would struggle to lift 65lbs without a proper grip. Let alone by short hair.

Just because he is 6 and she is 16 that doesn’t make it acceptable for her to be hurt by him and not vice versa , with your attitude @CandidPearlWasp it would seem that your daughter is best off doing what she is doing which is staying with her dad .

Out of interest, OP, since this behaviour from your ds clearly wasn't a one-off, what advice and support had you previously given your dd with regard to how to respond to his violence?

How many times has she been physically hit, by him, before she retaliated? And what did you do, each of those times?

If you grabbed a 6 year old, dragged them out of your room, down the hall to another room and threw them onto the bed by their hair, would you also say you’d done nothing wrong?

Because if you say no, it would be wrong if you did it then it is wrong regardless of who did it. Understandable perhaps if it’s a younger person without control of their actions but still wrong

or if you say yes, it would not be wrong if you did it

you are someone who would condone violence and abuse towards small children.

So which is it?

Siblings fight completely normal its not like she punched him in the face. He pulled her hair so she pulled his. I don't see the problem your son owes your daughter an apology for starting it. You also need to make it clear to him he is not to go in her room without her permission

I think this is unfair @tripleginandtonic . ADHD can cause issues through impulse and lack of control.

However, I also don't think the sister was wrong @CandidPearlWasp. Your DS needed a BIG lesson in how not to treat people and he got one. I doubt he'll be violent with her again.

You need to show equal understanding for her as you show for him. She's 16. Her prefrontal cortex has yet to fully develop (mid to late 20s) so her impulse control isn't great either.

I'd say neither of them are arseholes here. And I also think he needed his arse handed to him on a plate. Which she's done.

You need to do more to protect your daughter from your son OP. It sounds as though you're excusing his behaviour as he's younger and possibly ND. Your daughters comment about it always being about him is telling.

Good for her.
And, I say that as a parent of 7 year olds with additional needs, one of whom is Autistic, has ADHD and ODD.

Yes, I know. I'm pretty much on her side. Not sure how you concluded otherwise from my post.

Siblings fight its completely normal me and my siblings did all sorts of things to each other that we would never do to others. Are you an only child?

He deserved it. My siblings did much worse to each other, that’s how they sorted out grievances. Grew out of it, of course

From her point of view, her parents have split up and now she’s saddled with a volatile, violent 6 year old brother just as she’s in arguably the most emotionally delicate stage of adolescence. Like just about everyone else on here I really can’t blame her. He may be neurodivergent but surely he needs some boundaries.

I suspect that with the amount of detail the OP has included, about what happened between the DC despite the fact that she wasn’t even there, that there is more to this.
In fact, I think the poster is ‘misremembering’ events.