DD (16) physically retaliated in a fight with DS (6). I don’t know what to do.

[CandidPearlWasp]

Hi everyone. I’m having a very tough time with my children and hoping for some advice.

My DD is 16, and my son (her half brother) is 6. DD splits her time 50/50 between our house and my ex husband’s house.

Recently my son has been having behavioural challenges. Our physician suspects he has ODD and ADHD, and we are awaiting therapy and services for him. In the meantime, he has explosive and sometimes violent meltdowns and everyday tasks are a battle when he’s not getting his way. He has hit, punched, pulled hair, bit, etc. all of us and it’s been awful, but we can usually deescalate the situation, but since he’s a tall boy and weighs 65lbs it does hurt.

Two weeks ago my DD was in her bedroom watching something on her iPad, which her father bought for her. We do not have one for my son, so he’s been very intrigued by it and she’s let him use it before. This time, he went in and said he wanted to play on it. She said no. He started to have a verbal meltdown and she said “I said no, get out of my room please”. This escalated into him climbing onto her bed, hitting her in the face and pulling her hair. She then grabbed him by the hair, got off the bed by standing up while holding his hair and dragged him out of her room and across the hall by the hair. He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room, said “that doesn’t feel good, does it?” and slammed the door.

I was outside as this happened and alerted by the nanny cam we have downstairs. I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing. My 16 year old came in and got angry with me saying it’s all always about him, even though he was “a little psycho who attacked her”. I told her that I understood it’s not okay he attacked her, but he’s a small child and what she did wasn’t okay. She left for her father’s that night and hasn’t been back, is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother. She’s made it clear to me she thinks she did nothing wrong.

I’m at a loss - about how to handle my son, how to reconnect with my daughter and how to move forward as a family.

Agree but the general tone of this thread would be different were the sexes reversed

@CandidPearlWasp im not sure if you’re still reading.
But that’s my experience with my own dcs, one of which is autistic and had regular meltdowns where he was hitting dc1.
dc2 was similar age than your dc - I suspect the meltdowns are in part linked to struggling with school settings/long days/having to behave.

Having said that I’ve always felt it was my role to protect dc1 just as much as it was to support dc2. That meant there was a period where dc1 and dc2 weren’t alone together after school. I had to be there to intervene just in case. For both of their sakes. Dc1 still felt dc2 was getting away with it. And said so too. He was expecting me to punish dc2, like they would have done at school (we’ve never punished either of them as such btw).

In your case, you need to have a word with your dd. Aplogise (because let’s be honest, you’ve failed to protect her. Yes even she is 16yo. She is a teen. She deserved to feel and be safe in her home. And she isn’t. She can’t be expected to put up with the hitting, hair pulling etc the way you do. Not her problem or responsibility). Have a word with her about she feels would make things better/easier. See some of it might be possible. Like your youngest isn’t allowed in her bedroom so it’s her sanctuary.
You need to find ways to deal with your ds behaviour. He might be ND, it diesnt mean the only thing you can do is de escalate. De escalate means Hes already blow up. You need to intervene before (like separation after school because a meltdown risk is high). Whatever is needed to ensure your dd is safe too.
But also techniques for him to get a better handle on his reactions. Yes he is only 6yo. But he is also already 6yo. You can’t let him pull people’s hair. Whoever that is.

Fwiw my experience is that many techniques/advice is about low demand environments, reducing triggers etc…
i feel children who are ND need very strong boubdaries. Esp if they have some white and black thinking, you can’t have it’s ok to hit/pull hair if done gently as part of a game but not ok to hit if very strong/out of anger. The rule has to be no hitting iyswim.
Also you can do some research on what would be helpful with a child tha is ND and is being violent. Even if it ends up with him nit getting an ND ‘label’, it won’t have hurt yo approach things that way.

When dc2 was hitting dc1, he was sent to his room until he had calmed down. Not ‘you’re punished and have to stay there for 6 mins’ type of things. But you’re hurting people, you can come out when you are calm enough to not hurt people. Door stayed opened. It seems to have done the trick and now as a young adult, he knows to take himself out to a calm place if he gets overwhelmed.

As for the relationship between them?
Don’t think about it until your dd feels safe enough again.
Then maybe explain ds struggles, where it’s coming from and why. Explain how you’re dealing with it. And why.
But the first step is for her to feel safe and that you’re taking care of her too. It can’t be ‘we’re getting hit too!!’.

Yes this. It’s not up to a 16 year sibling to do the work. The Mum and Dad here are responsible, not the teen DD.

She didn't do anything wrong, your son should be apologising. She kicked him out of her room, dragging him by his hair as he had pulled her hair. She didn't punch him in the face like he had punched her in the face. Overall she probably reacted with a lot of restraint and she has done well to keep her temper up to this point. If he's like this with other children outside the home, he is going to get much worse in return.
In her mind if you allow him to assault her at 6, he'll still be assaulting her at 12,15,17. She is also your child and if she is continuously being assaulted at your house she isn't safe there and you should be seeing her separately from your son.

At 16 years old she is still a child. I don’t believe a 16 year old girl could lift a 65lb boy off the ground, by his hair. Most boys’ hair would not be long enough to get a good enough grip to lift off the ground. Le alone lift that weight.
Hopefully he has learned a lesson not to attack other people (FAFO). Just because he may have a SEND doesn’t make it ok to attack others and sooner or later someone would have retaliated.
No child should be living in fear of attack in their own home which clearly DD has. Her needs are neglected in favour of her brother.

She didn’t assault him. She protected herself.

was she supposed to lie there and take being hit and having her hair pulled? Having your hair pulled hurts much more than you’d expect when it’s done in anger. It can cause concussions and neck injuries regardless of whether it’s a child doing it to an adult or not.

It's not 'okay' for anyone to assault a six year old, though you are not an adult at 16.

In this situation, the 16 year old was heavily provoked, and probably not for the first time from what the OP has said. She reacted to being assaulted not in the calm, measured way one would hope for, but equally I wouldn't expect an adult response from a 16 year old.

I think both she and her brother are better off with her staying with her father for the time being. I suppose she's lucky in a sense that option is on the table for her. Other 16 year olds living in the nuclear family unit would simply have to put up with the assaults.

I feel really sorry for your daughter.
She has loaned him the iPad before. She explained she didn't want to this time and he attacked her physically.
Hopefully he's learned a lesson.
Did you tell him he was wrong?

He’s much bigger (65lb) compared with the average 6 year old (49lb).

Has he hurt anyone since the incident?

I know, and that’s sexist bullshit.

1- she isn’t an adult
2- she hasn’t attacking or assaulting a 6yo. She was defending herself.

Maybe you feel that she was over the top in her defence.
Id argue that her parents and the OP aren’t able to actually control him when he hits. A parent might accept to be hit. A16 doesn’t. And doesn’t have to

What did you expect her to do in the face of being assaulted? It’s very hard to go against your own self protective instincts when faced with violence - there’s going to be a fight/flight response. We learn how to control that response to an extent but it’s asking a lot to expect her to accept being physically assaulted in her own home and not respond in kind at 16. Have you ever really talked to her about what it’s like for her to live in a home where she experiences violence on a regular basis, without making excuses for your son? In her shoes I’d want to live with dad tbh.

Are they about the same weight? I think this is understandable if they are…

I agree. It sounds like a terribly hard situation but if he physically attacks her she has a right to fight back. She could have done much worse than she did so she did control herself to some extent. I hope you can figure out how to get some control of your son because if not I fear your daughter staying with her father will become permanent.

You think it's likely that a 16 year old girl weighs 4 stone 9?

She’s a child too and has probably been putting up with this for years. He has attacked her in her own room and is 6 -so not a baby.
I completely understand her reaction. It will be interesting to see if he attacks her again.
Don’t be looking for an apology from her - apologise that she isn’t safe in her own home and listen to her side. She has listened to the excuses about him for years.

I am astonished by the idea that a 16 year old is a child and must be considered as such - they cannot be expected to react like an adult - but a 6 year old is fully responsible for their actions and must be taught this, violently if need be.

That’s 29kg rather than 22kg. The average 16 year old girl is 50-60kg

The people criticising the daughter really need to look into what ODD is. It’s probably the worst behaviour personality you can deal with. These people enjoy tormenting others and being soft and “nice” is only going to work for so long.

I know right

Your daughter lost her temper but I bet this is not the first time your son does this.
I would reassure your daughter that something is going to be put in place to allow her to be happy in your house and support your son who is going to need a lot of work, support, patience and discipline.
Condition/disabilities are not a monopoly free of the jail card. He needs to learn to respect other spaces and times like others should respect his.
He is still young don't let him grow like he can get away with anything and use this incident as a lesson that everyone has their limits.

She reacted to being assaulted not in the calm, measured way one would hope for

But she did, at first. And he continued to assault her. OP knew what was happening and only intervened when it came to the son being hurt. Because her son matters more to her than her daughter.

I agree with the other poster. She was probably sick of her brother doing this to her. If it’s any comfort I have two and they fight on occasion and neither of them have any additional needs. It’s siblings!