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Original poster

DD (16) physically retaliated in a fight with DS (6). I don’t know what to do.

708 replies

CandidPearlWasp · 08/10/2025 14:17

Hi everyone. I’m having a very tough time with my children and hoping for some advice.

My DD is 16, and my son (her half brother) is 6. DD splits her time 50/50 between our house and my ex husband’s house.

Recently my son has been having behavioural challenges. Our physician suspects he has ODD and ADHD, and we are awaiting therapy and services for him. In the meantime, he has explosive and sometimes violent meltdowns and everyday tasks are a battle when he’s not getting his way. He has hit, punched, pulled hair, bit, etc. all of us and it’s been awful, but we can usually deescalate the situation, but since he’s a tall boy and weighs 65lbs it does hurt.

Two weeks ago my DD was in her bedroom watching something on her iPad, which her father bought for her. We do not have one for my son, so he’s been very intrigued by it and she’s let him use it before. This time, he went in and said he wanted to play on it. She said no. He started to have a verbal meltdown and she said “I said no, get out of my room please”. This escalated into him climbing onto her bed, hitting her in the face and pulling her hair. She then grabbed him by the hair, got off the bed by standing up while holding his hair and dragged him out of her room and across the hall by the hair. He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room, said “that doesn’t feel good, does it?” and slammed the door.

I was outside as this happened and alerted by the nanny cam we have downstairs. I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing. My 16 year old came in and got angry with me saying it’s all always about him, even though he was “a little psycho who attacked her”. I told her that I understood it’s not okay he attacked her, but he’s a small child and what she did wasn’t okay. She left for her father’s that night and hasn’t been back, is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother. She’s made it clear to me she thinks she did nothing wrong.

I’m at a loss - about how to handle my son, how to reconnect with my daughter and how to move forward as a family.

OP posts:
BeLilacSloth · 08/10/2025 17:00

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 08/10/2025 16:58

In self defence. After trying to politely speak to him.

He was pulling her hair. Shoving him would have achieved nothing except pull her hair more.

Edited
Show quote history

She’s 16 so almost an adult, if OP had dragged her son by the hair you’d want social services and police involved. You don’t need self defence against a 6 year old. And I also have a very difficult severly disabled child

XWKD · 08/10/2025 17:02

Your DD is right -you have made it all about him.

puffyisgood · 08/10/2025 17:02

The daughter clearly did the wrong thing here, albeit in very difficult circumstances. If it's the first time she's done something like this then a gentle pep talk/warning should be enough. Any able bodied, vaguely prime aged, adult can overpower a six year old in a gentle way. Very quick flashes of anger, perhaps resulting in a quick slap, are understandable in a way that dragging a child by the hair over multiple seconds just isn't. But then the daughter is half a child herself still.

ParmaVioletTea · 08/10/2025 17:03

My 16 year old came in and got angry with me saying it’s all always about him, even though he was “a little psycho who attacked her”.

She has a point. It must be awful for her to be on constant alert against physical violence in her own home.

And you seem oblivious to this. Poor lass.

BrendaSmall · 08/10/2025 17:03

Your poor daughter, I do feel for her having to put up with being beaten by her brother!
As for you going to your son to console him, how about your daughter’s feelings??

Looloolullabelle · 08/10/2025 17:04

Team DD here.
Bet he won’t do it again!!

I wouldn’t have consoled him either though, you’ve now made him the victim when I guess she acted in self defence.

Tough love. Serves him right

ParmaVioletTea · 08/10/2025 17:04

And why should your DD apologise to the person who attacked her?

CopperWhite · 08/10/2025 17:04

yet turn the genders around and 16 year old boy dragging his 6 year old sister by the hair would probably have people screaming that he’s going to abuse women.

Sadly this is true, but that’s probably more to do with the rampant man hating on MN rather than because anyone thinks it’s ok for a 16 year old to be violently attacked by a sibling on a regular basis.

NettleTea · 08/10/2025 17:05

FeralWoman · 08/10/2025 14:36

You know it’s okay to say no to him and enforce it, right? Diagnoses or not, you can say no to someone with ADHD, ADD or ASD. My DH and DD both have ASD and ADHD. Both hear the word no. Nobody hits anyone else. A suspected diagnosis doesn’t mean that you have to do everything that DS wants.

If he has ODD, or these days it’s called PDA, you can read up on different ways of phrasing things to get a better response from him. You don’t need an appointment for that. Google it.

I think ODD and PDA are different. My daughter has PDA and its an autistic spectrum disorder. ODD is a behavioural issue, not linked to neurodiversity.

Both need different approaches.

as child hasnt had a diagnosis the two possibilities have been raised - it will take a specialist to know what the foundations of the traits are coming from

but either way, the kid is old enough to know there are boundaries and consequences.

Butchyrestingface · 08/10/2025 17:05

BeLilacSloth · 08/10/2025 17:00

She’s 16 so almost an adult, if OP had dragged her son by the hair you’d want social services and police involved. You don’t need self defence against a 6 year old. And I also have a very difficult severly disabled child

Show quote history

Well, it sounds like the situation has been resolved (after a fashion).

Daughter has decamped off to her dad's, where she won't be assaulted by her brother any more.

Brother won't be assaulted by sister anymore, although he'll probably carry on assaulting the rest of the immediate family.

But surely the best outcome in the present circumstances.

IDontLikeMondays88 · 08/10/2025 17:06

It amazing me that MN thinks this is acceptable. She is not a child and he is 6!!!
also even if “in self defence” lifting him by the hair is a little extreme!!

MyNameIsErinQuin · 08/10/2025 17:07

This is so odd. My 16 year old son dragged by younger dd out of his room for annoying him would have been met with brays to kick him out/call the police. But here, the small child is to blame.

Invinoveritaz · 08/10/2025 17:07

Maybe he will learn that behaviour has consequences now - she probably did him a favour. I don’t think she behaved that unreasonably.
you need to speak to her and acknowledge that his behaviour is out of order and you can understand why she behaved the way she did . It does sound like she may be better off at the dads though if your son is that out of control.

IDontLikeMondays88 · 08/10/2025 17:08

16 is definitely an adult

the age of criminal responsibility in England is 10!

Namechangedforgoodreasons · 08/10/2025 17:08

I have worked with children with ODD and ADHD, in a special unit for children with complex learning difficulties.

They have to learn what is and is not acceptable in society if they are ever going to mix with other people successfully. Hitting others in the face and pulling their hair because you aren’t getting your own way is never acceptable, and your DS has received a salutary lesson.

I don’t blame her for her reaction, especially if your normal reaction to bad behaviour by DS is to tiptoe round him for fear of annoying him.

Butchyrestingface · 08/10/2025 17:09

CopperWhite · 08/10/2025 17:04

yet turn the genders around and 16 year old boy dragging his 6 year old sister by the hair would probably have people screaming that he’s going to abuse women.

Sadly this is true, but that’s probably more to do with the rampant man hating on MN rather than because anyone thinks it’s ok for a 16 year old to be violently attacked by a sibling on a regular basis.

Your average 16 year old boy will be physically far stronger than your average 16 year old girl. So likely more able to subdue (or severely injure) a violent six year old (male or female) than his female equivalent.

Acknowledging that is hardly "rampant man-hating". That board sounds intriguing though - where can I find it? 😈

Offloadontome · 08/10/2025 17:11

Tbh I don't think DD did anything wrong. She told him no and asked him to get out of her room. He was physically hitting her so she responded by forcing him away. No, she didn't have to pull his hair, but I can see why she did and I can also see why she's upset that you went to see if he was ok and comforted him, rather than reprimanding him once you found out what had happened. Regardless of any additional needs it is not ok to take her things, be in her room when she's asked him to leave, or to hit her in the face. What else should she have done? Perfectly reasonable in my opinion to them remove him from herself and her room by force. Honestly I know he's only 6 but my 6 year old would be reprimanded for behaviour like that, they know what's acceptable and what's not at that age.
I think you need to acknowledge to DD that you understand why she reacted that way, and ensure there are consequences for your son!

TheRealMagic · 08/10/2025 17:11

Butchyrestingface · 08/10/2025 17:09

Your average 16 year old boy will be physically far stronger than your average 16 year old girl. So likely more able to subdue (or severely injure) a violent six year old (male or female) than his female equivalent.

Acknowledging that is hardly "rampant man-hating". That board sounds intriguing though - where can I find it? 😈

Show quote history

Most 16 year old girls are at pretty much their adult height and strength. Is it ok for adult women to assault 6 year olds now?

Londonmummy66 · 08/10/2025 17:13

MyNameIsErinQuin · 08/10/2025 17:07

This is so odd. My 16 year old son dragged by younger dd out of his room for annoying him would have been met with brays to kick him out/call the police. But here, the small child is to blame.

Well he's hardly blameless is he? He came into her room asked her to stop what she was doing and give him her ipad and when she refused be hit her and pulled her hair. As he has clearly done many times before. SO yes I do think some of the blame lies with a child of 6 who is old enough SEN or no SEN to learn boundaries and consequences.

KoalaKoKo · 08/10/2025 17:13

She didn’t handle it well but she is only 16 and is still a child herself. Personally I would make sure they are both given out to with a huge emphasis to your son that if he hurts people other people will hurt him back. I would then sit them down to talk about how being hurt made them feel and get them to apologise.

What consequences are there for your son when he lashes out physically, how do you talk to him about the violence. My daughter is 4 and possible ADHD, she lashed out when younger and we worked on it so she understands that violence is never okay. The way you talk about your son like he is a victim who isn’t responsible because of his age and possible ND is worrying. He will be that kid that other kids avoid and never gets invited to things if you don’t nip this in the bud.

N27 · 08/10/2025 17:14

She may not have handled it 100% right, but that doesn’t mean she handled it wrong in my opinion.

what do you want to teach your daughter? That she can and should defend herself or that she should allow people to attack her as long as there’s a reason?

she took steps to remove him from her room, after she verbally requested and after he escalated the situation. She did not escalate the physical alteration unreasonably and start beating him to a pulp. She did what she had to do to protect herself and her safe space

MissKitty0 · 08/10/2025 17:15

I feel bad for you and your daughter for having to deal with a kid with ODD. I don’t think your daughter did anything wrong to be honest.

Offloadontome · 08/10/2025 17:15

N27 · 08/10/2025 17:14

She may not have handled it 100% right, but that doesn’t mean she handled it wrong in my opinion.

what do you want to teach your daughter? That she can and should defend herself or that she should allow people to attack her as long as there’s a reason?

she took steps to remove him from her room, after she verbally requested and after he escalated the situation. She did not escalate the physical alteration unreasonably and start beating him to a pulp. She did what she had to do to protect herself and her safe space

Exactly this!

CopperWhite · 08/10/2025 17:16

MyNameIsErinQuin · 08/10/2025 17:07

This is so odd. My 16 year old son dragged by younger dd out of his room for annoying him would have been met with brays to kick him out/call the police. But here, the small child is to blame.

No, the parent is to blame, and would be whatever the sexes of the children. It is a parents job to stop their child being attacked in their own home, and it is a parents job to stop their child attacking people when he doesn’t get what he wants.

The older child in this situation is receiving no support and has had no training in how to deal with being attacked by a child. I have had training, and work in a very supportive environment, but it is still not easy to deal with a child who is strong and actively trying to hurt you. It’s actually quite horrible and upsetting, even when you know the rationale behind it. There is stuff that can be done to de escalate and to handle safely if necessary, but it takes training and practice and an adult who is switched on and ready to do what is needed. It is not something that should be expected of any teenager who is just sitting in their bedroom trying to relax.

CrystalShoe · 08/10/2025 17:17

There is no excuse for dragging him around by his hair. No excuse whatsoever, She is much bigger than him.

I can understand her losing her rag by shouting at him and physically placing him outside her room and slamming the door, but dragging a six-year-old around by their hair is never acceptable.

Given how much smaller a 6-year-old is than a 16-year-old, I would find it hard not to tell her off. Of course he was out of order, but he's SIX! Your daughter could have dealt with it many other ways, including yelling for you, without dragging him round by his hair. I would be 😡. Her actions cross over into child abuse, imo.