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Original poster

DD (16) physically retaliated in a fight with DS (6). I don’t know what to do.

708 replies

CandidPearlWasp · 08/10/2025 14:17

Hi everyone. I’m having a very tough time with my children and hoping for some advice.

My DD is 16, and my son (her half brother) is 6. DD splits her time 50/50 between our house and my ex husband’s house.

Recently my son has been having behavioural challenges. Our physician suspects he has ODD and ADHD, and we are awaiting therapy and services for him. In the meantime, he has explosive and sometimes violent meltdowns and everyday tasks are a battle when he’s not getting his way. He has hit, punched, pulled hair, bit, etc. all of us and it’s been awful, but we can usually deescalate the situation, but since he’s a tall boy and weighs 65lbs it does hurt.

Two weeks ago my DD was in her bedroom watching something on her iPad, which her father bought for her. We do not have one for my son, so he’s been very intrigued by it and she’s let him use it before. This time, he went in and said he wanted to play on it. She said no. He started to have a verbal meltdown and she said “I said no, get out of my room please”. This escalated into him climbing onto her bed, hitting her in the face and pulling her hair. She then grabbed him by the hair, got off the bed by standing up while holding his hair and dragged him out of her room and across the hall by the hair. He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room, said “that doesn’t feel good, does it?” and slammed the door.

I was outside as this happened and alerted by the nanny cam we have downstairs. I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing. My 16 year old came in and got angry with me saying it’s all always about him, even though he was “a little psycho who attacked her”. I told her that I understood it’s not okay he attacked her, but he’s a small child and what she did wasn’t okay. She left for her father’s that night and hasn’t been back, is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother. She’s made it clear to me she thinks she did nothing wrong.

I’m at a loss - about how to handle my son, how to reconnect with my daughter and how to move forward as a family.

OP posts:
MummyJ36 · 08/10/2025 16:43

It will be interesting to see if he attacks her again after this. I’m absolutely not saying it is right (two wrongs don’t make a right) but to have a siblings violent behaviour constantly condoned and given attention to is going to make someone snap eventually.

anyolddinosaur · 08/10/2025 16:43

I really doubt this would happen in reverse. There are not many 6 year old girls who are tall, 65 pounds and attack an older brother. They know - and their parents would make it clear - that they are likely to come off worse. There would probably be a much bigger difference in both height and weight.

HellsBellsAndCatsWhiskers · 08/10/2025 16:44

I don't blame her. It'll be interesting to see if he's able to control himself with someone who hits back next time.

MissDoubleU · 08/10/2025 16:44

In your daughter’s eyes you are failing to protect her from a violent family member. Yes, that family member is 6 but that does not mean his violence does not cause pain and damage.

I don’t think I would be returning from my father’s care in these circumstances either. You are in a very difficult position and I do empathise with you completely but your daughter (and more to the point her physical safety) isn’t being prioritised. You need to show her that this is important to you and you need to put something in place so your daughter feels she can be in your/her home without being attacked.

CopperWhite · 08/10/2025 16:45

Why do you expect her to apologise to him? Have you made him give an apology to her? He’s old enough to.

I think you need to apologise to your daughter for letting her get into the position where she is being attacked in the first place. Being the sibling of a child with SN is incredibly hard, and when she already has to deal with separate parents and a step parent, a sibling that is violent on top is too much to expect her to cope with. I do know what children with behaviour challenges can be like, but your daughter isn’t responsible for dealing with those issues. You have already failed her if you have allowed her to be hurt by your son.

MissMoneyFairy · 08/10/2025 16:46

Has your son apologised to her, have you told him its wrong to hit people and he can't always have what he wants. He should not be going into her room, he will only get bigger and stronger so you need to keep your daughter safe even if that means she moves out.

FutureMarchionessOfVidal · 08/10/2025 16:46

Your house is not safe for your DD & you do not seem to realise how much this matters.

I have one child (out of 3) with a disability & appreciate it is very very difficult not to be over protective & end up ‘making allowances’ for inappropriate behaviour in ways that are unfair & damaging to siblings. But we as parents need to be aware of this: although you may not have been able to predict or prevent your son’s assault on your DD, the way you immediately reacted- the lack of any focus on her or her needs- indicates to me you have lost sight of this.

I think you need to apologise to her at the very least, & explain to her whether you have a plan to keep her safe if she comes to your house, & if so what it is.

Maybe family focused therapy - focusing very clearly on how you can meet your DD’s needs, with those needs, ie HER needs, NOT your son’s, as the centre - would help. Basically I think your focus needs to be re-directed in a more balanced way that reflects the fact that she should be treated as your son’s equal, not an afterthought.

I am sure I too am guilty of this excessive focus on the ‘injured’ child, ie the disabled child, at times. But we need as mothers to admit & correct it.

Janiebirdy · 08/10/2025 16:47

Just a suggestion but it may be worth looking at books you and your son can read together about dealing with emotions. Sue graves’ ‘Our Emotions and Behaviour series 4 may help you talk to him about this. Your daughter’s room needs a lock on the door for her privacy and safety.

Londonmummy66 · 08/10/2025 16:47

I have SEN DC. One issue you need to bear in mind is that most of them will one day need to navigate the world. DO they need to learn how to play by the rules (beyond reasonable adjustments) rather than to learn the world will revolve around them. It will not be a reasonable adjustment for DS to hit bite or pull the hair of his classmates when they don't let him get his own way. He either learns that or gets excluded. How is he at school - does he behave like this there is he can't have the book he wants to read etc? Or has he learned boundaries at school but not at home. SEN children can explode at home because they have been keeping it all in all day but that doesn't seem to the be case here. He had a melt down because he didn't get his own way. He needs to learn that lesson, not be petted and consoled.

MyMoneyIsAllSpent · 08/10/2025 16:47

LooseCanyon · 08/10/2025 14:22

Perhaps he learned a lesson.

I agree.

Lovelamps · 08/10/2025 16:50

She learned she can lose it, probably regret it and might feel better pausing and self regulating in future but also that it's ok to stand up for herself in a violent situation if necessary.
He learned he can't hit and pull others without risking them doing that to him. Hopefully he'll think differently now too.
Maybe it's all fine in a way.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 08/10/2025 16:51

LadeOde · 08/10/2025 14:23

I'm sure he won't do it again.

Yes, he needed to learn the lesson.

He can't go around hitting people.

Megifer · 08/10/2025 16:53

Oof, I could maybe MAYBE be ok if she shoved him out of her room or whatever, but grabbing him, dragging him to his room by his hair, throwing him....wow. 😔

Feel very sorry for the pair of them and you having to deal with this. Maybe she should stay away for a bit and get some space to calm down.

Hope it all gets sorted op.

Whattodo2024 · 08/10/2025 16:54

Natural consequences for his actions. Don’t see the problem?

Onlycoffee · 08/10/2025 16:54

He has hit, punched, pulled hair, bit, etc. all of us and it’s been awful, but we can usually deescalate the situation, but since he’s a tall boy and weighs 65lbs it does hurt. @CandidPearlWasp

Your ds is not your dd's responsibility. Fine as parents to be hurt by a child but no one else should have to put up with this.

I feel sorry for your DD. It's not up to her to parent your child.

What would you have her do in that situation?

It sounds like ds would have continued assaulting her if she hasn't stopped him.

What if he'd broken her nose or given her concussion?

ticklyfeet · 08/10/2025 16:55

FieldOfBeans · 08/10/2025 14:29

She’s 16, I think she reacted pretty appropriately for her age. I’d have asked her if she was ok too and explained to DS that often times people will retaliate if he attacks them.

Agree. I think she’s taught him a valuable lesson.

wrongthinker · 08/10/2025 16:56

I agree with pp - you need to apologise to your DD that you didn't keep her safe and that you have continually ignored her needs and feelings to prioritise your DS. Of course your DS needs a lot of attention and support but you have to find a way to also give that to your DD. To be honest, it sounds like she is better off staying at her dad's for now. Does she have her own room there? Maybe you should go and see her and ask her what she needs from you to feel safe enough to come home.

She did lash out violently but I'm not sure what else she was supposed to do? He was attacking her and you said yourself his attacks hurt. And it's not the first time he's physically attacked her. I'm not sure how she should have gone about protecting herself from him. Maybe you need to make sure she isn't left alone with him in future as an adult needs to be there to keep her safe.

moose62 · 08/10/2025 16:56

You might be over compensating and taking the easy way out with your DS. Your DD probably feels this is unfair and if she is being attacked, has the right to retaliate.
If you are not careful she will end up staying with her father because it is easier.
You need to be fairer to your daughter and protect her from her brothers violence.

BeLilacSloth · 08/10/2025 16:57

I can’t understand these replies, your DD dragged a six year old by the hair, completely unacceptable and abusive. Sounds like the whole family needs therapy

User5306921 · 08/10/2025 16:57

Maybe her method of teaching him will be more effective than yours.

I think you need to sit down with her and listen to her. Not interrupt her or tell her she's wrong but sit and listen. I suspect this is just one of many times you've taken the younger kid's side.

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 08/10/2025 16:58

BeLilacSloth · 08/10/2025 16:57

I can’t understand these replies, your DD dragged a six year old by the hair, completely unacceptable and abusive. Sounds like the whole family needs therapy

In self defence. After trying to politely speak to him.

He was pulling her hair. Shoving him would have achieved nothing except pull her hair more.

Ellebelle01 · 08/10/2025 16:59

Good for her! I would have done the exact same

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 08/10/2025 16:59

They are both children. Neither has responsibility for managing the behaviour of the other - that is a parent/nanny's role.

Your daughter was as wronged as your son. Has she had an apology?

Your son lost his temper. This is something you need to work on with him. (Calling it a 'meltdown' etc. shouldn't change the way you see what he did.)

Your daughter lost her temper. This is something you need to work on with her.

Managing your emotions is something a parent should help with.

Teaching your daughter and son to respond in a proportionate way to others is your role too. Your daughter needs to know that an appeal to you would remove her brother from her room and that you back her choice not to let him have her ipad. Your son needs to know that he will be listened to when he is upset ...but that he cannot hit out at others without consequences.

Butchyrestingface · 08/10/2025 16:59

She left for her father’s that night and hasn’t been back, is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother. She’s made it clear to me she thinks she did nothing wrong.

I knew well before I reached this point in the OP she would have decamped to her dad's and probably won't be back in a hurry. I wouldn't either, tbh.

I gather his sister is probably the first person in his life who hasn't responded to him slapping the shit out of her by trying to 'deescalate' the situation. It's highly likely she won't be the last though if he carries on assaulting people. That must have been quite a shock for both you and him (and maybe even her).

They should both apologise to each other. Don't see why the onus should be on her entirely.

Viviennemary · 08/10/2025 17:00

Not surprised. This naughty boys behaviour is not being controlled in any meaningful way.