Lady yelled at my son, I feel like the worst mom in the world

[YourBoldCoralDog]

Hi everyone.

As background, my dad has been in the hospital for a month. He’s improving but slowly, and I go every day since my mom isn’t up to being able to follow what the doctors are saying. On Friday he was having a hard day, and my son (5) came with me because he was off school. My husband’s job has also been doing layoffs recently and there was going to be another round that day.

We left the hospital at 1pm - both of us were hungry and my son was restless. We went to a place right by the hospital since the hospital cafeteria area was very busy. Soon after we sat down, my husband called with the news he’s not being laid off but his hours are being cut and was trying to explain it to me. As I was talking to him, but son was up from his chair and playing around the table. By the time I got off the phone, he was running around.

I know this was a total mom fail, and I should’ve intercepted him sooner. But by the time I got up to do so, he’d tripped and knocked a woman’s pasta into her lap. She was probably 25ish, alone and having a glass of wine with lunch while she was reading. My son started crying immediately, and she exploded at him - her immediate reaction to it was to say “what the fuck”. When he started to cry she told him to get away from her and to go sit down like he should have been in the first place; he just stood there frozen and she said he was a brat who was acting like an animal. I rushed over and said I was so sorry but I didn’t appreciate her cussing at and insulting my son, and she said she didn’t appreciate having her lunch dumped in her lap because I’m “too lazy to watch my kid”, and she said something like she wouldn’t have had to say a word to him if I was doing my job.

I was starting to quietly cry too and the manager came up and said she was having our food packed and ushered me away. The staff was quite cold to me as I was paying for my takeaway, and I could see they were apologizing to the lady. I keep having flashbacks to this and feel ashamed at how my son acted, but also about how he saw I didn’t stand up for him in the moment as someone insulted him. Just having a rough time and feeling like a bad mom.

I would never yell at a kid like that and she shouldn't have. People defending what she said (after the first what the fuck, any of us might do that) clearly have very low standards for themselves.

But she, and the staff, weren't to know you weren't one of those people who DOES let their kid run around because they don't want to watch them. But you know you aren't, OP, so just forgive yourself about it. We all drop the ball now and then. You were right not to stick up for him more and stir up the situation more, that might just have led to more argument which would be upsetting for your son to watch. Just give yourself permission to stop ruminating on it, I know it's hard. It wasn't ideal but it's done and you're not a bad mother.

@HoppingPavlova they weren't "blunt home truths," don't pretty it up. She was yelling abuse at a child. If she was so fucking brave and convinced of her rightness, why didn't she come over and shout at OP instead of the child who was not actually to blame for the situation? She was a coward shouting at a child. Sad that you seem to think that's just "telling it like it is, me."

The woman's initial reaction was likely shock...you made the situation worse with your " sorry but...." And defensiveness about her scolding your kid.

You clearly didn't intervene quickly if your son just stod there crying and you then trying to take the high ground would get my back up.

The woman doesn't know any back story (which is kind of irrelevant, your phone call could have waited until your were out of the restaurant) and she could have had some back story herself, or had her plans severely interrupted for the rest of the day by wearing her food, but your initial reaction didn't take that into account

Lesson learnt for you and hopefully your child now learns that restaurants are not for running around in... he's lucky he didn't get tripped over and burnt

It's not compassionate, it's pseudo-profound. Of COURSE OP wrote the initial message to solicit reassurance that she is not a bad mother, it's hilarious that PP is acting like this is some kind of acute insight.

Awful from you and your son. It sounds like the other lady was quite restrained. If you had tried to defend your son after that shit show, you could expect a crack.

Haha! I didn’t notice that!
Unpopular opinion, but I’d have all children in cages until they were at least 10 😅

It’s physically possible to talk on a phone and monitor what your child is doing. You don’t go blind on the phone! It’s physically possible if necessary to hold the phone and grab a child with your other hand if they start to run. Getting down from the table is not normal behaviour in restaurants and I suspect you knew he was mooching about and weren’t bothered, wasn’t a problem for you until it was a problem.

I’m not surprised she said what she said, could have been worse. All the background stuff is irrelevant, she doesn’t know and it still doesn’t excuse anything. How do you know she hadn’t just been in the hospital getting the news she or a loved one is terminally ill?

why is he off school a few weeks into the year? If he’s running around a restaurant he doesn’t sound ill.

I am sorry about your dad and your husband's job worries.

I don't understand why either would be the reason for a five year old getting up from a table and running around uncontrollably in a public restaurant.

The lady shouldn't have sworn. The child should have been on a chair at the table. I appreciate you are having a bad patch but what have you been doing to teach your child boundaries and basic manners for the last five years?

I'd put a lid on flashbacks if I were you and imagine some flash forwards to the time your child gets sent to the pupil referral unit.

Nothing in your post takes accountability for your child's unspeakable behaviour whilst under your supervision.

People often have an aversion to other people's children, especially if they don't have any themselves. You should have said you would discuss the matter with your husband later and paid attention to your son. Still, these are the joys of being a mother hung on her 'phone all day. Phone is the priority now. As for the other woman, I am not surprised she gave out a few choice phrases, she was perhaps enjoying her lunch and had to get back to work when some wayward child tipped it onto her clothes. Hope it wasn't hot so that burnt her too. Put that phone away and pay attention to your child, your responsibility.

Im confused?

why should your son have seen you stand up for him? He was in the wrong and deserved to be told so. Ok perhaps not with swear words but he needs to understand the consequences. If you spill food on a stranger then that stranger will not be very happy with you. And I as your parent will ALSO not be very happy with you.

I appreciate that you're going through a tough time and I'm not going to berate you but her reaction was justified.

Oh and people saying she shouldn't have sworn - once I was in the toilet of a restaurant and a little boy stuck his head under the cubicle door. I shouted WHAT THE FUCK and honestly nearly kicked him in the face out of pure shock/reaction before I realised it was a small child. This is why they need to be watched.

Thing is, your back story of irrelevant. You need to be more on the ball. I hope you apologised to the women and offered to pay for lunch.

We All have parenting fails but we have to make sure we learn from them

"It takes a village". Wait, not like that!

It wasn’t your finest moment but doesnt mean you are a flat out bad mother overall - you are human and messed up. Learn from it and up your game. The fact you feel bad about it shows you are not a bad mum.

Agree with n27 though don’t get your regret at not “standing up” for him. The lady was understandably cross you berating her for daring to respond to what happened would have been even worse. Also a good learning experience for your son might make him better behaved as he has now experienced the unpleasant consequences of not listening to mum.

You can now say “sit quietly x we do not want a repeat of what happened before” and bet he will obey immediately!

She could have been going out somewhere important, you have no idea of her story. She did not overreact. I am sure you would be delighted if a strange child knocked food onto your lap. Even more so if you were miles away from home and had to go home smelling. The food could have burnt this lady.

Sometimes these things happen op. There’s not a parent out there who hasn’t on at least one occasion, not parented as well as they should have. This is just a very unfortunate incident.

The woman shouldn’t have sworn or shouted, but it was probably a reaction in the heat of the moment. She’s probably reflecting on it and thinking she could have handed it better. I know I would.

Just chalk it up to one of those mortifying parenting moments op. We’ve all had them.

I doubt it. Given his mother is more worried that she didn’t stand up for him.

I hope you paid for her lunch and dry cleaning.

Yeah sure you would have. OP's child won't die because someone, said fuck. No one is saying OP is a bad mother or person but she needs to take responsibility for what happened and ensure it doesn't happen again.

Sorry you’re having such a terrible time at the moment OP. It must be very stressful having your dad in hospital and your husband worried about his job.

But I don’t think the woman in the cafe acted unreasonably. I think most people would react as she did in the circumstances. Did you offer to pay for her lunch/give her your number to offer to pay for her clothes to be cleaned?

In hindsight of course you should have ended the call immediately seeing DS not sitting down, he wasn’t being supervised. It’s never ok for a child to be running around in a place where hot food and drink is being served and carried around, it’s dangerous for the staff and customers. At least nobody got hurt, but that woman’s day was ruined and you should have profusely apologised and offered to pay for her lunch and clothes. I don’t think focusing on her language or her shouting at DS is fair. Though she should have directed her anger at you and not him.

This, and all the 'mummabear' types with the how dare she/it's something you'll laugh at soon, are ridiculous. I am surprised though that as yet, noones suggested you blame/sue the cafe for their table placement, as if they hadn't done so, he wouldn't have run into the table of course.... 😁

Unbelievable isn't it? This lady had her dinner outfit and probably her day ruined and someone could have been injured. Everyone fucks up but this isn't the way to deal with it.

You would have laughed?

You seriously wouldn't have been pissed off and would have just smiled and said "its ok"? Thats a very strange reaction. Its ok to be angry in situations where others behaviour negatively impact on you

Its ok to exchange cross words and convey your annoyance. The woman didn't threaten violence or react aggressively...she was pretty proportionate to the situation, especially if she was shocked.

She certainly shouldn't have been expected to smile and brush it off and I think its unfair that you think people should react like that instead of having normal negative emotions to the situation

Sorry but there was nothing for you to ‘stand up’ for your son about. He actually had a relatively positive cause and effect interaction that shouldn’t do him any harm and you then removed him from the situation. If you had ‘stood up’ for him it would have created the wrong impression for him.

She doesn’t know any of your background and you don’t know hers. The initial swearing could have been shock and most of us would have done the same.

She could likely have been watching and thinking ‘he needs to be told to sit down’ and then that happened. For all she knew you could have been on with a friend gossiping or booking a nail appointment.

Like you said it’s a one off so forgive yourself. Things happen.

But your leaning on the side of making excuses and thinking the woman was wrong is worrying. She has every right to a meal (and a glass of wine - noticed the slight there and I am a non drinker but it felt judgy) that is undisturbed and food landing in your lap is actually a massive thing that could have tipped her right over the edge herself. I would come away feeling mortified for her, for a long time.

Also I hope your child hadn’t been ill and you’ve taken him to the hospital as that would totally change my opinion along with my hints from the last paragraph

Is there anyone else who can help share the load of going to the hospital with your Mum? Even if just for the weekend? I'm guessing your son has just started reception or year 1 so he is in a period of new expectations and big changes. The last thing he needs is to be stood around at the hospital for long periods of time, then expected to sit in a restaurant. Kids pick up on issues at home so Mummy and Daddy being stressed about work won't have gone unnoticed.
He needs some time where all of the attention is fully on him, I understand that you want to help your Mum but your child needs you too.

The lady was not in the wrong here, you have a lot going on but so could she. You don't know how much she needed that glass of wine and a plate of carbs! The hot pasta could have hurt her.