Lady yelled at my son, I feel like the worst mom in the world

[YourBoldCoralDog]

Hi everyone.

As background, my dad has been in the hospital for a month. He’s improving but slowly, and I go every day since my mom isn’t up to being able to follow what the doctors are saying. On Friday he was having a hard day, and my son (5) came with me because he was off school. My husband’s job has also been doing layoffs recently and there was going to be another round that day.

We left the hospital at 1pm - both of us were hungry and my son was restless. We went to a place right by the hospital since the hospital cafeteria area was very busy. Soon after we sat down, my husband called with the news he’s not being laid off but his hours are being cut and was trying to explain it to me. As I was talking to him, but son was up from his chair and playing around the table. By the time I got off the phone, he was running around.

I know this was a total mom fail, and I should’ve intercepted him sooner. But by the time I got up to do so, he’d tripped and knocked a woman’s pasta into her lap. She was probably 25ish, alone and having a glass of wine with lunch while she was reading. My son started crying immediately, and she exploded at him - her immediate reaction to it was to say “what the fuck”. When he started to cry she told him to get away from her and to go sit down like he should have been in the first place; he just stood there frozen and she said he was a brat who was acting like an animal. I rushed over and said I was so sorry but I didn’t appreciate her cussing at and insulting my son, and she said she didn’t appreciate having her lunch dumped in her lap because I’m “too lazy to watch my kid”, and she said something like she wouldn’t have had to say a word to him if I was doing my job.

I was starting to quietly cry too and the manager came up and said she was having our food packed and ushered me away. The staff was quite cold to me as I was paying for my takeaway, and I could see they were apologizing to the lady. I keep having flashbacks to this and feel ashamed at how my son acted, but also about how he saw I didn’t stand up for him in the moment as someone insulted him. Just having a rough time and feeling like a bad mom.

I very much hope you wouldn't say those things and worse to a 5-year-old. And yes, I'm sure it would be very inconvenient, but it was an accident. Accidents happen. I'm sure you would also like some grace extended to you if you had accidentally done something silly, too. And you wouldn't have had to turn yourself in the knots you describe to fix it. You would have just gone to your meeting and explained that a child knocked your lunch all over you.

Did you pay for her pasta?

If you’re going to pick her up on that part of her post, what about the rest of it? 🤣🤣🤣

Your child was acting terribly, at 5yo running around a restaurant to such an extent that he bashed into a seated diners table and caused a dish of food to go into her lap. Not quite sure what you hoped to achieve by pointing out she was drinking a glass of wine - that she deserved this, and your son was performing a public act of good?

Not surprisingly, she wasn’t happy that a dish of pasta was dumped into her lap and she told some blunt home truths. I have no idea what there was to ‘stick up for’.

Did the restaurant charge you for her meal as well? They should have when they rightly kicked you out. What arrangements have you made for restitution for the soiled clothing?

Agreed! There are plenty there.

Sorry you're having such a bad time at the minute and hope things improve for you and your family. It sucks to feel like you are being kicked when you're down. Possibly, the pasta lady was also having a bad day, or has also been having a tough time lately. You are kind of coming across here as though you are the only one that deserves empathy and consideration though. She didn't know you just had bad news, or about the stresses of your life at the moment, and you didn't know hers either.

You were very lucky it wasn't a scalding hot drink he knocked over and nobody, including him, was hurt. Maybe focus on being thankful your parenting fail didn't end up in you taking your child to A&E for a bad burn rather than focusing on her bad language and being a bit embarrassed in public. Your son will not be traumatised over hearing the f word or being called a brat, he'll hear far worse in the playground. Sometimes kids do need to learn the hard way, and if he thinks twice about running in a cafeteria next time, a useful lesson has been learned. You need to stop making this into something bigger than it is, move on and focus on your own life.

I'd have exploded at your child too if he'd caused my meal to be dumped into my lap.

I do have some sympathy for what you are going through but you can't let him run around like that.

This wasn't a time to stick up for your child. He did very wrong, and so did you by failing to parent him. It was a time to be contrite and embarrassed and to have read the riot act to your son.

Your parenting at that moment was dreadful, you know that but as some others have pointed out you may need to think about your disciplinary approach regardless of you want to improve - a 5 year old should not be running around in a restaurant and should already know that. Why dont they?

I've 5 daughters and honestly not one of them would have run around as they know we as parents do not tolerate it.

You were fortunate in your moment of distraction your child did not come to harm. Unfortunately parenting means you must always be prioritising a child's safety when they are with you, regardless of what else life is throwing at you. There is never an excuse to not be prioritising them.

Honestly you are being unreasonable. Why couldn't you and your husband have discussed his working hours situation that evening when he got home. You definitely should have stopped your 5 year old running around a restaurant. Yes the lady shouldn't have sweared but I think you need to chalk this one up to bring your responsibility and not dwell on it but learn from it. My son is 5 and I'd be able to explain to him why what he was doing was wrong, sometimes mum needs to make an important call and he needs to sit and wait, he can choose to read a book/do colouring/ etc whilst I am on the phone. I hope you got your son to apologise to the lady too as well as you!

Feral Brat Apologist incoming!

Yes I would have said what the lady said and probably much worse. And why not? If the child gets a shock then they know not to do it again as there will be repercussions; like angry shouty strangers.

And it wasn’t an ‘accident’ was it? A child running amok in a cafe is not an accident, it is poor behaviour and poor parenting that should be called out.

I would of said exactly the same as the woman did, she'd got hot food on her lap, probably ruined her clothes, she was having a quiet lunch and your badly behaved child was zooming around out of control, irrespective of you being on the phone, he should have enough manners taught him to sit quietly and wait whilst mum is on the phone.
Iam.sure whilst on the phone you could of side eyed what was happening, got up and yanked him back to his seat told him to sit down whilst you were speaking to dad.
Hes obviously been allowed to run around feral in restaurants before, or he'd of known better.
Sorry mum you need to clamp down on his bad behaviour, and I sincerely hope you offered to have the ladies damaged clothes cleaned/replaced and buy her a new meal.

If food landing in your lap is the worst thing that happens to you, you've lived a charmed life.

OP, MN is full of judgemental busybodies who love getting their knickers in a twist about kids' behaviour. Normal kid behaviour. He ran around, kids do. You'd normally be more aware but you had a lot on your mind this particular day. And you are probably physically and emotionally exhausted, daily hospital trips for an unwell parent are brutal. Your son knocked into the table or dish, it was an accident. You didn't prevent it, you can't prevent them all.

Yeah, it's moderately and temporarily inconvenient for her but no major harm was done. Your son experienced natural consequences, you apologised to the woman. The end. Try and think no more about it. Until you son is older and you bring it out as an anecdote that you cry laughing about.

Hope your dad is getting better.

If food landing in your lap is the worst thing that happens to you, you've lived a charmed life

It won’t be the worst thing that happened to the poor woman. However, it was something that was avoidable and should never have happened. It’s funny to throw the word ‘accident’ in there, as that could be pulled apart a thousand ways, in fact there is a whole profession based around this, determining what is avoidable vs non avoidable, negligence vs willful etc. So, the throw away term ‘accident’ is not really apt and especially not in this scenario.

On balance, this would come down to, is it reasonable to expect, while seated in a restaurant, that an out of control 5yo bashes into tables to the extent whole meals are dumped in laps. Funnily, some people here think it’s entirely reasonable and the risk anyone should take while being seated in a cafe/restaurant and should not be annoyed, say anything or expect restitution should this transpire. Others don’t believe it’s an inherent risk you accept in such a situation. Given the two camps and inability for a formal decision, this thread will just go round and round for 40 pages🤣.

Bad parenting and your reaction was poor

Bait post surely

Restaurants have glasses, knives, servers walking with hot plates or trays balancing all of the above.
This was definitely a moment of bad parenting and you did all of the defending you reasonably could have done by saying you don't appreciate her words.
Instead of making excuses and throwing a potty party (as many of us do when something we cause leaves us feeling bad), use is as a moment of education and do better next time.
I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now.

As far as this woman was concerned, you were just chatting on your phone and not watching your son. Most people would be upset if a child who was running around unsupervised knocked a whole plate of hot pasta into their laps. She shouldn't have sworn but she was justifiably upset and you weren't supervising him properly. What if she was on her lunch break and either needed to either go back to work in a ruined outfit or take half a day's annual leave to go home and change?

You don't seem to be very contrite about what your son did.

Your son should already know not to run about in restaurants so you've clearly not taught him this before. I wouldn't be impressed either especially if I ended up wearing my lunch because you're not paying attention.

On a lifetime, yes, if it's the worst thing that happens you've lived a charmed life. It does make for a very bad day though.

You're wrong that this is normal kid behaviour. It's not. At five most kids know how to behave in a cafe. They do run around but in the appropriate places. There's a time and a place. If they do it somewhere inappropriate, you rein them in and teach them.

If a kid tripped over a rug and that resulted in him falling into a table and pasta ending up in someone's lap, that's an accident. If your kid is running around when you're on the phone and they do it, it's parental negligence.

Not much to be done now but learn. Personally, I'd never be brave enough to show my face at that cafe for a good few years in case they remember me.

If you think this is normal kid behaviour, check your parenting.

This reminds me that a few weeks ago we were watching some kid who was old enough to know better being very badly behaved while his mother stood by. I knew it was likely to end badly. Anyone could see it coming from a mile off, but his mother was there, so obviously we were not going to say anything. Me and some teens were sitting there and said to each other, just wait for it.

A few minutes later, crash, howl. Just as predicted, the kid hurt himself. It was well deserved and we just couldn't feel sorry for him. Hopefully he learned a lesson and maybe his mother did too. Luckily there was no-one else caught up in this situation.

Yes, you took your eye off the ball for a while. But most of us have done something similar! Learn and move on.

i remember when my wriggly toddler got me shouted at long ago. As I parked my car a woman rushed over and screamed and swore at me. I was stunned! Apparently she’d followed me because my son had somehow got free of his seat straps and was kneeling up in his seat, looking out of the back window of the car at her in a following car.

I had been focusing on driving into the car park and hadn’t been checking the mirror…

Don't blame her for pointing it out but I resented her anger and shoutiness.

It's just one of those life situations that you learn from and move on. I expect your child will behave better in the future.

'Flashbacks' is a bit dramatic.

My dd is early 20s, has autism and absolutely no desire to ever interact with anyones DC - she would have reacted exactly like that woman did. You have to understand that everyone has a backstory, not just you.

An establishment that serves wine with the meal sounds like a proper eating place rather than a fast food type place. Having a kid run around any venue is wrong but more so at a proper restaurant. You are lucky he didn’t have hot coffee spilled in him.

This is one of those things you have to chalk up to experience and cringe about for a bit. You are having a tough old time and you dropped a ball, and you feel shit about it. You can’t go back in time and change if. However, you can now step up and deal with the situation. Speak to your son and say you’re sorry that the lady spoke rudely to him, but his behaviour wasn’t acceptable and you expect better in future. Go to the cafe and apologise for the events, and leave your contact details on the basis that if the lady gets in touch about clothes cleaning they can call you and you will pay/sort out paying for her lunch. Then move on with your life and only think about it around the dinner table when your DS is 25 and you’re reminiscing the terrible but now amusing stories from his childhood.