Lady yelled at my son, I feel like the worst mom in the world

[YourBoldCoralDog]

Hi everyone.

As background, my dad has been in the hospital for a month. He’s improving but slowly, and I go every day since my mom isn’t up to being able to follow what the doctors are saying. On Friday he was having a hard day, and my son (5) came with me because he was off school. My husband’s job has also been doing layoffs recently and there was going to be another round that day.

We left the hospital at 1pm - both of us were hungry and my son was restless. We went to a place right by the hospital since the hospital cafeteria area was very busy. Soon after we sat down, my husband called with the news he’s not being laid off but his hours are being cut and was trying to explain it to me. As I was talking to him, but son was up from his chair and playing around the table. By the time I got off the phone, he was running around.

I know this was a total mom fail, and I should’ve intercepted him sooner. But by the time I got up to do so, he’d tripped and knocked a woman’s pasta into her lap. She was probably 25ish, alone and having a glass of wine with lunch while she was reading. My son started crying immediately, and she exploded at him - her immediate reaction to it was to say “what the fuck”. When he started to cry she told him to get away from her and to go sit down like he should have been in the first place; he just stood there frozen and she said he was a brat who was acting like an animal. I rushed over and said I was so sorry but I didn’t appreciate her cussing at and insulting my son, and she said she didn’t appreciate having her lunch dumped in her lap because I’m “too lazy to watch my kid”, and she said something like she wouldn’t have had to say a word to him if I was doing my job.

I was starting to quietly cry too and the manager came up and said she was having our food packed and ushered me away. The staff was quite cold to me as I was paying for my takeaway, and I could see they were apologizing to the lady. I keep having flashbacks to this and feel ashamed at how my son acted, but also about how he saw I didn’t stand up for him in the moment as someone insulted him. Just having a rough time and feeling like a bad mom.

You’re in the wrong and frankly, playing the victim - you should rightly be ashamed of yourself, not trying to apportion blame on others. Feel the shame, and use it to be a better parent. Embarrassment is a normal human emotion, and this is a life lesson for you and your son.

His behaviour was undeniably significantly poor, strangers only stepped in because you were inattentive, nonchalant and distracted by your phone. You admit could have intervened much sooner and that you missed ample opportunity to reel him in. You can’t expect strangers acting in shock to parent your kids in the way you want - she’s going to explain things in an unfiltered, angry state. You forced her into that by ignoring your son and letting it escalate.

Nothing she said was untrue. The fact the restaurant ushered you out, suggests that in this moment you and your son were being a total nuisance, and you too for completely ignoring him.

Plus whatever she’s dealing with could also be significant - yet you are making the assumption that your problems have to be more important than hers.

@HoppingPavlova love your work! You sound just like a KC I kniw!

Oh look the OP never came back - what a surprise

It was a bad day, move on from it and do better next time. We all have days like this, but you’re lucky he didn’t end up with third degree burns.

I think you were also being a bit U to the woman, you shouldn’t have had a go at her for insulting your son (TBH she sounds reasonably restrained to me) and you should have offered to get her a new meal/ cleaning money. I think it’s also a bit odd you’re worried that you didn’t “stand up” for your son, this was not the time for that in the slightest! I’d have explained to my son that I didn’t blame him as it was my fault, but also asked him to apologise. This was the time to show accountability.

Also if you’re going through a turbulent time, you need to spend more time monitoring your kids, not less. Your son sounded bored and restless, maybe the long hospital visits aren’t for him and you’d have been better off eating at home so he isn’t overstimulated. If you’re having financial issues now, maybe it’s for the best to not have difficult calls in public as you are evidently going to be distracted and ignore your son. In future, why don’t you tell your husband that you will speak to him when you get home? It’s not really the right time for you to give him moral support when your son is using the restaurant like a playground is it?

YABU. She might have had a work meeting after lunch, but now she has a plate of pasta (tomato?) over her clothes that isn’t simply going to wash off easily. She might have had an interview. She might be on a budget and not be able to afford to pay for new clothes.

Instead of tackling her, the only thing you should have done was to apologise, pay for her meal and offer to pay for dry cleaning.

i too,would have given a WTF in the initial shock, and yes, I too would have been extremely pissed off and expressed my displeasure with you.

Another one post wonder whipping up pages of froth 🙄

Am thinking OP won’t be returning to this thread.

I’ve managed children in Brownies, cubs, my own (SEN) and as a childminder. I’m afraid none of those children would have been wondering around a restaurant unsupervised. Not a parent brag, but an observation that both I/dh and the parents of all those other children will have raise/trained our children how t behave in a restaurant. It doesn’t matter whether you were receiving dad news or watching TikTok, a child should know to sit quietly colouring in their placemat (or whatever other child focused distraction the restaurant or parent themselves has provided).

Feel very sorry for the other lady - she will likely have had to go and immediately buy a replacement skirt so that she can continue her day. The chances are the dress/skirt she was wearing is ruined (tomato never comes out). Her lunch was ruined and her day massively disrupted if she has had to go clothes shopping (wearing her lunch). If the meal was hot, she may also have some mild burns.

I think in her circumstances it would be totally natural to explode/swear. You’d hardly respond with ‘oh golly, oopsy daisy’ when you are suddenly sitting with a hot meal in your lap, searing in heat through your now ruined clothing.

Tbh OP is lucky not to have been asked for her ID with the other party making a claim for damages. In her shoes I would have been grovelling.

Yeah I suspect it's not real but it's certainly shown some people's parenting ethos!

@CautiousLurker01ohh Jesus…get off your high horse. Just because you’ve done those odd jobs doesn’t make you an expert on child behaviour. Face the reality.

@Oriundawell what was she doing. Could she not hold onto her a plate of pasta or guard it whilst a child came running?

I'd have been pissed off at having my food knocked into my lap for sure, but I wouldn't have been rude about it or sworn at a child. Something similar did once happen to me - a waitress somehow dropped a big bowl of mussels all over me in a restaurant. She was so mortified and upset I think I almost ended up apologising to her 😆

Accidents happen, not the end of the world.

So she was meant to be watching for children running round in case they knocked her table?

Really?

Ridiculous post.

Why didn't you make your son apologise?

The waitress dropping food is very different to a kid messing about and knocking all over you...the waitress is a genuine accident, kid running around and not being supervised is completely avoidable and the fault of the parent. So different reactions to those situations is understandable

I had 2 boys 20 months apart. When they were little they’d have behaved like this if unsupervised. If I ever had to take a phone call I’d have sat them down first or kept them close to me, held on to them (you only had one and could have held his hand). To be honest I’d probably been paying less attention to the phonecall and more to my child. It’s something that you have to do as a mum ALL THE TIME, keeping control of your child while you do other jobs.

She was going about her day as normal presumably, which she’s entitled to do. No one should have to “guard” their food or cling on to a hot plate because a feral child is on the loose. The restaurant clearly doesn’t agree with you, given their actions following this.

Sorry you’re having a bad time. Accidents happen and you will feel bad. I think you should have kept more of an eye on him and I think the lady was right to be angry. I don’t think it’s ok she called him names though.

I think you should have paid for her lunch and any ruined clothes etc.

I hope things look up soon.

The title of this thread is all about you being a victim and nothing about the poor woman ending up with food over her.

I'm wondering if it's written by the same author who allowed their kids to break toys on a shop recently.

It has the same ring to it and is written bang on a way to stir up a froth.

I think Mumsnet isn't a good place to post for support on this.
Of course you made a mistake but actually I think the lady's reaction of calling a 5 year old a brat is over the top - although understandable she was upset. I would be upset if this happened to me but I wouldn't swear like that. We live in a very intolerant society.

I assume the restaurant will not have charged this lady for her meal and probably gave her a free meal into the bargain. I suggest you contact them about paying them back, and see if they have her contact details so you can pay her cleaning bill.

It's also normal behaviour, as an adult, to understand how someone who's parent is ill, who is visiting them daily at the hospital for over a month, on top of other stresses, could be emotionally exhausted to the point that they post about this here. They are looking for empathy not a lesson in childrearing at this point.

But on you go. Hammer your message home with an enormous mallet and heavy blows, and feel self-righteous and highly moral whilst doing it. It's like a good old medieval public flogging over here. And the difference in your behaviour is it's absolutely not an accident, you lot are fully enjoying the pile on.

If you think going out of your way to kick someone when they're down is normal, check your empathy levels.

My point is that I'd have reacted similarly if it had happened in any circumstances, save someone actually doing it deliberately. The OP's child didn't intend to do it and is too young to have foreseen the likely consequences of running round in the restaurant. The OP was distracted which can happen.

It's annoying and inconvenient but not an accident that will have any long term consequence. There was no need for the woman to swear and make a fuss - it had happened, it wasn't going to be undone, no one was injured, no one died, be gracious about it and move on.

Yes. OP is now having ‘flashbacks’
god help us, for the pathologising of normal life -
OP was having a bad day, was distracted and her son ran riot and pissed off people in a cafe and OP got called for it -

now OP feels bad, and chewing over it all, that’s not PTSD / flashbacks - ugh !!!