Night Nurses/Nannies for New Born

[NewBorn2025]

Could I possibly get help with your reviews on night nannies and nurses in London, did you use them for your new born, how did you recruit them, what do they do when the baby is sleeping at night? By night nannies, I am referring to service providers that come into your home in the evening and stay till the morning to look after your baby.

We had a new born recently. The boy is a few weeks old. I am thinking about hiring a night nanny or nurse for the new born.

I work about 17 - 18 hours including commuting. To support the family, will need to get back to work. My partner is nursing herself after a traumatic birth experience, I expect her to recover fully after a few months. I expect our new born to become more difficult and demanding as he goes through growth sprout from week 4 to week 12. I am thinking the week 12 as a milestone.

• My partner is on a maternity leave for a year.
• My income is 3 if not 4 times that of my partner's.
• We do have a mortgage, monthly commitment, not a large amount.
• I don't work from home.
• We do have some savings say live for a year without work at the current rate of spending.
• Night nannies seem to be around £200 - 300 a night (?) which we can afford with my income for a few nights or business days without using savings.
• My partner does not like the idea of night nannies or getting any other individual involved, not to mention a significant saving you achieve by not hiring a night nurse.
• Family member help is not an option for us.
• We already have gadgets/gimmicks that you can buy that are supposed to make your life slightly easier such as UV steriliser, electronic bottle maker, multiple bottles to make washing manageable, air extraction device etc.

I am trying to think logically. I cannot think at the moment of any other solution than night nurses or nannies till the week 12 unless I want to sleep even less than I do today which is about 4 - 5 hours.

My personal beliefs (you might disagree with some of them) are

• The baby at this stage does not see or comprehend emotional attachments or bonds the same way as we do (these seem to me advanced concepts which need to be learned over time and not given innately, if given innately why we have serial killers...). They don't understand routines either. The priority for guardians is to feed the baby, change and keep him in a safe place. Values to help him make better decisions in future can be taught at later stages.
• The baby will settle into outside world with time and become more manageable especially at night as their stomach gets larger and they can hold their waste longer in their body. They do not need night nurses or nannies after a while.

Your views on infant development are deeply worrying. A newborn baby only knows emotional safety, that is its main job -to attach to a loving caregiver for its survival. Look into hiring a cook, a cleaner, outsourcing laundry, food shopping delivery and possibly a postpartum doula who can look after the mum.

I had one and I regret nothing about it, and my daughter and I are securely attached and deeply bonded. I probably wouldn't have someone do every night, because I think doing some of it yourself is good for both of you, but having someone in a few nights a week is not going to have an adverse impact.

Oh - I'd missed that your partner doesn't want a night nanny. In which case it's pointless, it will not help if she doesn't want it.

This, they are invaluable to some. I would go the route of a recommendation from your midwife or health visitor.

But as others have suggested you can't go over your wife's head on this it has to be joint decision otherwise she will feel railroaded at her most vulnerable.

If your partner is suffering after a traumatic birth she needs to contact the health visiting team for practical support and/or the postnatal mental health team for support.

If she has felt her attachment with the baby has been affected by the circumstances of the birth then you creating more separation by inserting another individual in the home to take the baby may well cause more anxiety, upset, or trauma.

You are completely mistaken about newborn attachment. Newborns are still in the fourth trimester and not really aware that they are separate to the mother/primary care giver at this age.

You sound very detached from your new baby. The father/other parter? should feel bonded with the baby by this stage.If you don’t see them as an incredible vaulnerable human that needs as much attention/comfort as possible, then you might need to make a GP appointment to discuss having a form of PND. (It is possible for dads to get this too)

Hire a cleaner. Let your wife lead on how she wants to attach with her baby. (Unless the problem is that she is a danger to herself or others)

I love this idea that the baby will sleep after week 12. My kids are at primary school and I still have nights where I get 4-5 hours sleep because they have bad dreams and wake up.

When they were actual babies I was getting 1-2 hours sleep some nights until they were about 2. I would have absolutely loved a night nanny... your partner may change her mind after a few months!

Your partner is telling you she doesn't want anyone else looking after baby at night, and your baby needs his mum where possible.

And babies begin to bond with their mother even before birth....the sound of her voice and smell of her skin....they know who she is in that sense.

The way you speak about your baby sounds quite.....detached.....

I think you need a home help not a night nurse/nanny.

Can you not take additional time off if she is too unwell to care for the baby? Would there not be clauses with your employer for that situation?

Hi OP, I found some great people via https://www.nightnannies.com

One of the important things to say is that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I never had a FT night nanny but had one approx 2 nights a week for a few months. Knowing I could ‘look forward’ to a full nights sleep a few times a week really helped me get through the other nights! It may be worth trying this angle as a experiment if your partner isn’t sure.

If you do go for FT then a good maternity nurse will be able to sleep train a healthy baby by 3 months (unpopular opinion on MN but absolutely true).

I think maternity nurses are great if you can afford them tbh. However - is your partner exclusively BF and if so do they want to keep doing so? If so then a maternity nurse this early may be less helpful then a few hours a day with a nanny/housekeeper. If you are mixed feeding/ pumping well then it’s a different questions.

Feel free to DM me

This isn’t for your DW benefit, it’s for your benefit. You’re afraid you might have to do some parenting

Try a Snoo and think of daytime help. If your partner accepts this then she may come around to a night nanny perhaps twice a week?

Babies absolutely do know who is caring for them, my second got hysterical to the point of choking if anyone other than me held her for the first 6 weeks and then would only very briefly tolerate DH, not a single other person.

Anyway I don’t think that there is anything inherently wrong with the idea OP except for the fact that the mother doesn’t want it and that should be the end of it. Or are you suggesting that you are currently doing nights?

Is your partner able to do anything? The bits you say are worrying not doing any parenting isn’t normal and it sounds as if she may well have some form of PND alongside other trauma (mental and physical) from the birth that needs to be addressed because outsourcing care is only going to make it worse

Change your ideas on bonding too while your booking a night nanny maybe read up on maternal infant bonding, as it’s in utero and no they are not happy with different care givers. It’s a baby not a dolly.

You need to do some reading on the mother- child dyad. Your beliefs about attachments are completely off the mark.

The night wakes are the hardest time of your life bit also some of the most magical, quiet, beautiful moments you have with your baby. If the mother says no, it's no. Also "the boy"?

Your outlook on babies is worrying babies don't even know they are a seperate person from their mothers for the first couple of months I'm frankly wondering why you had a child to begin with and feel extremely sorry for your poor wife !

I'm going to cut to the chase: drop any vision you have of life going on as it did before, just with a baby thrown into the mix. It won't, for many months if not for some years (especially if you have another). Don't aim for it because you will fall short and the disappointment and rowing that will ensue isn't necessary.

Outsource as much as you can that isn't to do with the baby. We could have afforded a daytime nanny + a night nurse + a cleaner + a cook. Instead, we had a cleaner come twice a week, a cook come twice a week for the first 6 weeks (didn't need her after that), and I did everything else myself as DH had no paternity leave and worked 16-ish hour days plus commute. You would have had to prise my screaming, colicky, demanding, breastfed baby from my cold dead hands over my post-c-section infected body at that time.

And drop the 12 week thing. Your baby isn't a machine, and may not conform to whatever you've read on the internet. Possibly, but not even probably.

You sound so very like my DH all those years ago. Your wife is way ahead of you, even if she's exhausted, depleted and doesn't know it. Your time will come - it takes longer for dads to form that connection. Your baby is ahead of you both, having grown literally attached to your wife until birth and knowing nothing other than need.

Just be supportive, go to work, pay the bills, listen and understand. You're not in charge of this one. You just have to be a limitless resource - just as your wife is right now for absolutely everything to a wholly dependent little baby.

Well I think it's great that you can easily afford to bring in help. Personally I would have jumped for joy at the offer of a night nanny, but (i hasten to add) it won't suit everyone. Your partner wants to do the nights so focus on what daytime help would work. Cleaner/housekeeper/mothers help?

Wow, you do know it's a living human baby and not a robot right??

Feels a bit like you just want to project manage this whole experience!

Yikes - this will be unsustainable. You will have a breakdown if you continue At the pace you describe. I think all you can do is talk with your wife to see what can be done to make both of your lives easier and so you can continue to work and financially provide for your new family (without riding roughshod over your wife's wishes).

Might also be worth posting on a different forum

‘The boy’, sounds rather detached. Maybe replace this with ‘my son’ !?
My husband tried to project manage the early days with my 3rd child and I detested him for doing it. He was more worried about having a clean house than anything else.

What I got from that is that currently your wife can’t actually look after baby during the night at all, so you’re doing it, so you’re worried when you go back to work and therefore need to sleep there’s going to be nobody to look after the baby? Am I getting that right? I’m confused to be honest.

Have you considered working less than 17-18 hour days? That's a choice you make. Don't be that twat dad that refuses to get up at night. Just because you earn 3-4x as much doesn't mean you are more deserving of sleep.

Don't forget that your partner is also doing 17-18 hours days in your absence. She just doesn't get paid for the free childcare she does to facilitate your career.

Pay for a cleaner, housekeeper, outsource everything except childcare. It's no more your wife's job

“My partner does not like the idea of night nannies or getting any other individual involved”
I’m afraid this means that a night nurse/nanny isn’t an option for you. I know it’s frustrating to have your idea shot down but your partner’s mental health is vital at this point and if she is saying something doesn’t make her feel comfortable, you don’t do that thing. Post-partum women are vulnerable and your job is to listen and respond to their needs. I know this will sound dramatic but women don’t forget how they were treated post partum. If you force a night nanny on her when she doesn’t want it, she will resent it. This is a huge moment in her life. Especially after a traumatic birth. Listen to her and work together on solutions. Do not tell her what she needs. In this situation, her instincts really matter and you should be empowering her to listen to them. You shouldn’t be suggesting she needs someone else to take over if she doesn’t want that form of help.

“The baby at this stage does not see or comprehend emotional attachments or bonds the same way as we do”
You’re right - they don’t see it as we do. At this age, your baby literally sees your partner as an extension of themselves. Hence why their favourite/most relaxed place is on your wife. It’s biology and working against it or resisting it actually just makes life harder! Lean into the fact that your wife is doing an incredibly important job. I would take some time to look into attachment theory and you’ll realise that the first three years are crucial for secure attachment. I’m not saying this means your wife has to hold your baby 24/7 and sacrifice her whole life BUT it is so important to understand the connection between mother and child. Again, your job as a partner is to enable her to bond. You need to figure out the rest of the stuff so that she can focus on that emotional connection. Again, feel free to regard this as dramatic but investing in mental health in the very early years (so prioritising mum and baby, being responsive/not leaving to cry) will enable them to be much more independent as they grow up. Dependence comes from interdependence (growing up understanding that your wife and you are reliably there).

To be clear, this isn’t parenting advice. It’s how child development works and its connection to postpartum women. I am not telling you how to raise your kid, I’m just telling you how children develop and how your wife plays such a crucial role in that development. It’s annoying to hear because I’m sure it feels like a night nanny would solve it all but it doesn’t because your wife doesn’t want it and she matters most right now.

So, onto your actual issue! Your wife needs help with everything else, not with the baby. I say this because she doesn’t want a night nanny. It is very thoughtful of you to be thinking about the reality of returning to work. No matter what, it’s going to be tough. But it is doable. I suggest you take away all additional pressure on your wife/you, if possible.
Some ideas:

• get a cleaner or increase visits if you have one already so the house is relatively clean. Also, lower your standards - your house doesn’t need to be spotless in this phase. It’s about survival. Your wife will get into a routine and you just need to help when you can.
• meal prep for her at the weekend/on your days off so you’re covered during the week
• OR, budget depending, get freezer ready meal deliveries for now so you aren’t worried about cooking.
• look into a hiring a mothers help/housekeeper - there during the day so your wife can shower etc. they can help clean bottles or tidy up etc. or do a bit of cooking. Your wife might feel more comfortable with this than someone just taking the baby all night.
• sleep in a separate room some nights so you get the sleep you need for your job. I’m afraid to say lots of partners just survive on less sleep for a while. I know this is dangerous for some jobs so do what you need to do for yours.
• help at night fri/sat if your job is weekday only (or the nights you can). If she’s breastfeeding, this may not be necessary. Instead, get up after the early morning feed and let her get some extra sleep.
• empower your wife to find a routine that works for her (and without you). You work long hours so she needs to work out what she finds most helpful. It’s not about being logical, necessarily, because you’re dealing with a baby! Help her figure out if she can nap at certain times if the baby is asleep, or tell her not to worry about tidying etc. keep things simple.

My main advice is the last bit - empower your wife. She has been through a huge change, including a traumatic birth, and is finding her feet despite being exhausted and full of hormones. She’s changed and you need to support her in working out how she wants to run things (I say this because you work long hours so she does get to be ‘in charge’ of how things run at home). She doesn’t need help with the baby. She needs help so she can just be with the baby. She’ll be forever grateful if you really listen to her and help her with what she’s actually asking for.

Do it. I did it. I had her for 6 months. It was an absolute godsend and we keep in touch now.