My 7 year old daughter is indirectly asking me about my obesity

[littlepinkbow2025]

My 7 year old daughter is an active girl at a healthy weight. Because of conscious decisions her father and I took while she was a baby, she actually likes healthy foods.

I'm unfortunately an obese mom. Recently, she has been indirectly asking me about my obesity and I'm scared to answer her questions. How a parent talks about one's own weight issues can seriously affect a child's body image. Any advice ?

Hi! There have been a lot of negative comments from people who obviously have never dealt with anything like this - ignore them! You sound like a wonderful mom who's going out your way to help your kids make healthy choices and be there for them and spend time with them, that's a lot more than most parents can say! So kudos to you!

My mum was in shape then got quite heavy after having kids and I saw how much it impacted her self esteem, her friendships, and even her energy on a daily basis. She always spoke negatively about herself and I think that had much more of an impact on us than her actual weight. She had a really hard time staying motivated to lose weight and the ups and downs of dieting didn't help her self esteem. As someone who's been the child in this, I'd say the biggest thing to keep in mind is not to talk down about yourself!

Some people have recommended saying "I make unhealthy choices so I'm heavy" - not sure that's the way to go with a child, it will always make them of think of you as less than other people and might make them worry about you as they think you're unhealthy. I wish I just heard everyone has different bodies and different qualities, some of us are small, some of us are big, and we all have something special to share that's what makes us unique and different. If we had seen my mom as confident while she was heavier (I'm talking decades) I think it would have instilled more confidence in us (although we're all healthy weights) and would have made us worry about her less.

In the meantime, without it being a discussion with your children, I really would try to find a sustainable way to get healthier! It's not about how you look, but how you feel as your kids get older! I saw how much losing weight made my mom more accessible to us, helped her feel good and confident and outgoing, and these things trickle down into every day life. It's been so wonderful to feel like I have my mom back at 32. Not because of how she looks, I couldn't care less! But because it's obviously made her happier and we feel that happiness when we're with her.

I hope you feel supported and know you really do sound like a wonderful mum!

Some people have recommended saying "I make unhealthy choices so I'm heavy" - not sure that's the way to go with a child, it will always make them of think of you as less than other people and might make them worry about you as they think you're unhealthy. I wish I just heard everyone has different bodies and different qualities, some of us are small, some of us are big, and we all have something special to share that's what makes us unique and different

as much as I understand your thought process, I think basically telling a child “I’m just big end of” is really not a good idea, that’s confusing for a child. Plus it’s not believable to be honest, the child will know the op isn’t just big for no reason.

owning it and being honest is important. However I am not sure the op is coming back I don’t think she wanted to be advised to lose weight to be fair, I think she just wanted to know how to answer her daughters questions.

I disagree - it’s perfectly believable, the child will have friends of all sizes already. Just look around any school playground. A short and stocky 7 year old child with short and stocky parents is not going to grow up to be the same as her best friend who has tiny but long limbs and 6 foot parents. Kids can see that even at 7 years old and accept it as a given. I wonder when the judgement would set in if the kids were free of the opinions of adults!

Tell her the truth adjusted for her age. My kids ask why I smoke. I tell them smoking is very addictive and I became addicted at a young age. They know I wish I hadn't started and support my quit attempts.
I can imagine obesity is very difficult to live with. There have been times in my life where food and eating have been tools of comfort, control, protection. I think your daughters simple question might be very helpful for you to work out what it is you're metaphorically eating and why.

It's not pathetic, just the way your brain/body is wired. No judgement.

Being fat is shit. I know. I don't want my children to think it's an ok side effect if shit food. And loosing weight is sooo hard. I know I've lost and put back on tons. I'm very over weight and no it doesn't change who you are and it's shit that people who have never been fat or tried to be thinner judge you. But it's not fun and it does not improve your life and it's absolutely not as simple as liking shit food!

How can you disagree, the op herself says she’s getting teased at school and asking why she doesn’t eat the same foods, lying to her when she knows is a ridiculous idea.

Don't we all? But they are damaging. Modelling to your child that you do not care enough about your own health to eat well is going to leave her quite conflicted. Her eating healthily is not just about the very good way she eats (hurrah for that), but also the emotional pull of her mother's habits of self-care. Could you resolve to eat well, not only to protect your own health, but to ensure her physical and emotional good health? I know its tough, as probably going against your own emotional upbringing, if sweets and greasy foods represent something to you about love for example, but you are in a position to break the chain for your family going forward. Could you eat the same as them, and give yourself a sweet treat or some chips as a reward some days?🌺

Just to give an opposing view, I have a history of anorexia, thought I was very much in recovery (and handled the weight gain in pregnancy pretty well I think) I’ve since lost 15kg since my 5 month old daughter was born (not intentionally, just time/breastfeeding/she loves being held up high and walked around) I currently have a BMI of 15.2 and I know I have to gain weight, and quickly. For her, and my husband. I hate having to purposefully choose the high calorie option of everything (I genuinely like fruit and veg) and I’m mainlining biscuits like my life depends on it. Because I look unhealthy, and don’t want my child to see that.

its just the opposite end of the addiction spectrum, but you can overpower it with your child’s mental health as an incentive. Please at least try.

I think you've answered your question. I have a terrible diet and am not slim as a result. I don't have kids so am not a "role model" to a young person who might ask these questions. If it's bothering you that your little one is making comments, the only thing you can do is change your diet and lifestyle. Harsh but true. But please don't beat yourself up over it. Things like this are tough, life is tough. I'm sure you're a wonderful mum, bringing up your child to be healthy. Don't focus on your weight too much, look into little things you can do to make a change. And don't expect it to happen overnight.

Good luck!

@fraughtcouture I’m sorry you’re so unwell, I think this is different though, you are currently at a bmi that indicates severe anorexia, which is really not down to loving vegetables and being busy with a baby and I think you know that, I hope you get the help you need, for your sake and your families.

Get healthy and lose the weight.

I would recommend anyone struggling with dieting/self image to explore OA Ratherthan papering over the o with diets and lifestyle changes you will be able to heal the roots of the problem ( the hole in the soul)
i have been long term in a 12 step fellowship and givIng up any addiction is a big commitment there are no strangers in recovery only friends you have not already met you will see how your own struggles can benefit others don’t beat yourself up for being imperfect !