My 7 year old daughter is indirectly asking me about my obesity

[littlepinkbow2025]

My 7 year old daughter is an active girl at a healthy weight. Because of conscious decisions her father and I took while she was a baby, she actually likes healthy foods.

I'm unfortunately an obese mom. Recently, she has been indirectly asking me about my obesity and I'm scared to answer her questions. How a parent talks about one's own weight issues can seriously affect a child's body image. Any advice ?

Hmm. I would say yes, get some therapy.

I’m an obese mum to fit kids and after reading your OP I was going to say that what to say to her depends on why you’re fat. Therapy would help you explore that - ‘I like sweet and greasy foods’ isn’t the answer really. Why do you like those things - and I bet you don’t really, because they make you feel rubbish mentally (surrounding your daughter asking these questions, for a start), and I’d bet physically too. I had CBT and also saw a nutritionist (Sophie Medelin if you want a recommendation!) which was more like therapy really!

For me, I’m fat because of a mixture of:
genetics,
childhood habits (parent-led unfortunately as started at reception age) which led to me being lifelong big which is near impossible to change physically once you’ve grown to that size during puberty, and mentally
autoimmune disease - started after a traumatic c section but no doubt was at risk due to being overweight
having had 3 pregnancies
being time-poor to workout like I did pre kids

Not things I would necessarily tell my 7 year old!

My kids see me eating what they do, going out for runs, doing YouTube workouts in front of them, eating all sorts of foods. Example is probably easier than explanation overall! But hard to know what to say when your DD is asking direct questions.

I would be totally honest with her and tell her you are making bad choices, but that it’s never too late to turn those choices into good ones and start showing her this.

That’s why it’s unfathomable that you choose to eat deeply unhealthy food while your husband and daughter eat well. Your health is at huge risk. You can’t join in with her life at all.

I think she's at the age where she is questioning everything.
I'm not obese, but my skin is shit due to years of iffy health, my DS used to ask?, why have you got lines, Aunty Jane has lovely smooth skin, teacher has smooth skin, his comment did hurt a little.

Chances are it’s slightly more complex than that though. The conscious is clearly saying ‘I’m unhappy and don’t like being fat’, as we can see from OP’s replies. Every fat person knows about diet and exercise. Hence therapy suggestions.

I feel ugly and gross everyday.

Which is why you turn to food for comfort. It's a negative cycle. You are the person the wli were made for!! They will help you along in making better choices every day. Also get therapy to feel better about yourself. Please take this opportunity to start a new chapter in your life. If not for yourself- do it for your daughter !

I could be you. I got to over 20’stone when Dd was in primary and started worrying about her bei g bullied at secondary school. I tried every diet but self sabotaged every time. Ultimately had a gastric bypass and and now 14 stone. Size 14/16 (I’m very short and solid)
I still have a bad relationship with food as otherwise I could be 9 stone and slim … but I’m normal ish now
im now using wegovy and slowly getting a pound or so off here and there.
my rambling point is that despite surgery and wegovy i still have the same eating disorder and issues.
but i present as normalish finally

Losing weight is a long, tough battle and unless you’ve been obese, most people don’t understand how much your mind and body fights against you doing it. You have a lot of really positive things going for you though.

1. Half your household is already eating healthier so you can join them. Even if it’s initially just for a few nights a week, make the first step of eating what they’re eating.
2. Your daughter is aware you’re different to other mums and has also been teased. As a mum, you’ll want the absolute best for her so let that be your ‘fuel’ - you want to do this so that your daughter is able to go through school and not be teased.

Finally this is not an ad, but if they’re right for you, weight loss drugs are worth looking into. I’m on my weight loss journey at the moment and they’re literally changing my life for the better. Worth exploring.

Mounjaro is your answer. Make the changes now before it’s too late.

My mum was overweight (still is) and diets, obesity or being fat was never brought up at home. I can’t remember asking my mum why she was overweight but she probably would’ve been factual with no emotion. So don’t portray it as negative but you don’t need to imply it’s good. So something like ‘I eat a bit more than I exercise, that’s all’. Don’t say anything about you need to lose weight or anything negative when you look in the mirror. If she asked why you had a big nose (for example!) what would you say? Maybe you would say ‘oh nanny Jane has a big nose so I got it from her’ or ‘I broke it playing rugby a long time ago so it looks like this’. Factual, no emotion. I have absolutely no issue with overweight or obesity and never had body image problems. I did have bad anxiety but that’s for something totally different!

Don't beat yourself up, you're stuck in a negative loop, there will be 1000's of positive things about you.
The negative cycle will keep you stuck.
You are not alone, there is 1000's of people in your position too.
If you listen to podcasts, try one on over-eaters, it is a complex issue, it isn't a love for sweets and greasy food, it's a self-loathing addiction to bad food.
Trying using the pain to motivate yourself into getting some counselling or join an oe anon meeting on zoom.
I highly recommend the 12 step programme to help deal with the emotional issues while being supported by like-minded people who've been there, they understand.

"Who wants a sweaty fat hug?"

That, there, is rude! We love our parents and their hugs whatever shape they are in. My Dad has been obese all my life and always gives the best hugs. My skinny mum - not a hugger.

Bodies do come in different shapes and sizes or we would all have the same birth weight but we don't. Some babies are born big and heavy. Some babies arrive long and skinny. Some babies are birthed small and compact. They are literally all shapes and sizes.

Also, you are ignoring metabolism and long term health conditions which also may be inherited.

You are not just being rude. You are also wrong.

Everyone saying you should just eat better, you would be doing that if it was that easy for you. Eating junk and being your size is an addiction and a form of self harm. I would attend therapy to try to work out why the comfort of food means more to you than being healthy for your family. Changing these life long habits can’t just happen overnight.

To be fair the indication that obese people give better hugs is also rude, and I. Failing to grasp why your mothers weight or your fathers has any impact on their desire to hug you as a child.

This makes me so sad. Weight loss drugs aside (I haven't tried them but I think if they work and you're eligible, go for them) I honestly think that the way to change is not to cut things out from your life but to add things to your life. Some over-eating is due to ghrelin production malfunction. Some is due to addictive foods being easily available. Some is due to the rapid reduction in how much exercise we all take these days with our remotes and our cars and automated everything. But... if it is emotional eating, then we are filling what feels like a void and that can be filled in other ways. It is way harder to do this if we are hard on ourselves and judge ourselves.

Would it help if you decided that you don't have to give up anything you want to eat but what you do have to do is also always eat 5 portions of veg every day, and do 10 mins positive affirmations about self-care and looking after your health, twice a day; 10 minutes of yoga or stretching twice a day, drink 2 litres of water every day, ensure you get 15 mins to yourself to shower or bathe in peace every day. What would happen if you added these things, one by one to your daily routines, to see if the craving for greasy foods lessened?

Your rude (Imo) and obviously rhetorical question was, " Who wants a sweaty fat hug?"

I wanted to answer your question. Me. My Dad has always been overweight and has always given the best hugs.

I mentioned that my 'unhuggy' mum was skinny because you seemed to think that the weight of the hugger was relevant and that a person who was overweight would automatically be undesirable as a hugger.

This seems to suggest that skinny people would be good huggers. Again, not my experience: as I said, my mum (skinny) was not a hugger.

My experience is contrary ro yours and I wanted to share it with you so that you would be able to challenge your assumption/prejudice that obese people were not good huggers.

That's all.

I think Sarah Ockwell Smith’s Gentle Eating book is good. There’s a blog on instagram called Kids Eat in Colour which is also helpful for talking about food. I can’t think of the name of it but also there is a book called something like stuff you wished your parents had said, which is about unpacking for yourself the link between anything negative (not just food) you have from how you were parented so you can consciously change it with your own child and break the links.
One thing (which I know is really hard) that my mum passed on to me is the sort of internal loathing that goes with toxic diet culture. She always spoke about herself in such a negative way and as a child you can’t understand the culture that has driven that so you just take it as fact. Hopefully you are able to talk to your daughter about the positives that she and your husband see in you. ❤️

Kindly OP because I know it’s hard and the issues behind weight gain can be complex, if I could go back in time and change one thing, it would be losing weight when dd was young so I could have been happier and had more fun with her. Now she’s almost 18 and I feel sad I wasted time watching her dad play physical games with her or do sports while I felt too fat. I have now lost weight with the help of Mounjaro and I feel happy for the first time in years. I realise not everyone has the option of weight loss injections but if there is anything you can do to lose the weight, do it. See the gp, ask for help, try weight loss hypnosis meditations (free through various podcasts), use every ounce of willpower you have. I promise you, you won’t regret it. You’ll never get these years back so take steps and your daughter will love seeing you eat healthily and getting to play with you without you getting tired. Sending you strength and solidarity because it is so so hard.

Be honest.

It's the best answer for her.

The issue is she is confronting you with realities you don't want to admit to yourself rather than introducing idea that might cause her to have a poor relationship with food.

It's not about her, it's about you.

I think because of your childhood you are overthinking it really. As above I don’t think she is asking about your obesity, my 7 year old asks if I’m pregnant when I’m due on and I’m a size 12 🤣 they literally say what they see.

this. Not being able to play with your daughter, having to sit out because you are tired and out of breath and risking having your life cut short and spending less time with her is quite selfish.

I feel the same as you. I am currently 253 pounds and a constant yo yo dieter. I am always on a diet and eating healthy. I have pcos, and I can lose weight. But I regain it so so fast and it seems to double in what I lost. My daughter is 8 and has asked some questions and it’s made me realise I need to sort myself out for good. Growing up my mum was a personal trainer so I was always so fit and healthy as she was so strict with food for us. And always talked about being fat like it was the worst thing in the world anyone could be. So when I gained weight after having children the shame and self hatred I have felt has been awful. I’m now at a stage I know I need to do this for my health. Not just how I look. But so I can be fit and healthy going into the next phase of my life. If you want a weight loss buddy give me a shout.

Go for it @littlepinkbow2025

Sweets & greasy foods absolutely are addictive & it's an incredibly difficult thing to break, because they suppress the levels of hormones that make you feel full. And having enough body fat that it essentially becomes another organ in your body ALSO produces more hunger hormones & suppresses fullness hormones.

I feel for you as the odds are stacked against you BUT you have one of the most important things going for you, which is a household environment where healthy eating is normalised. And of course your family love you very much. So you have a fair chance of turning this around.

Add in the availability of GLP1 drugs to kick start that hormone switch off of wanting to eat more, and you're onto something!

I'm not a fan of already perfectly healthy celebrities using them to 'cheat' another 10lbs of weight loss down to utterly skeletal. But your situation is literally what they are there for.

Make a positive change for your girls and for you & tell the food industry that gets rich on the back of making people morbidly unwell to do one!!!!

Get your GP on board & go for it 🥰

Tell her the truth. You’ve actually got quite a good life lesson for her going: eat healthily and have a healthy body; eat junk fund and be obese.

I think you just need to answer honestly. When I used to smoke my niece and nephew would ask why I do it because it’s gross and I just told them the truth. Which is because I was a silly teenager who started smoking and now I’m addicted to a chemical called nicotine. I’ve quit now, but they haven’t touched ciggies. Obviously obesity is a bit different but I genuinely believe you should be honest with kids because if they’re old enough to ask they’re old enough to know. Being fat isn’t a moral failing and I think it’s important that you convey that to her, but also explain it’s not healthy.