My children are badly behaved and I don’t know what to do

[magpiemagpuy]

DH and I have two children. Boys aged 6 & 8 and I feel I finally have to admit their behaviour feels beyond my parenting skills.

We’ve done our best but it seems we’ve missed a step somewhere and now they’re very difficult at times. I’m not sure if that’s parenting in general or just our children.

Individually they’re reasonably behaved (most of the time) but together it feels like we’re verging on them being feral.

I feel bad for them and myself if I’m being really honest because they’re actually living kind little boys but I can see why other parents may not see that.

They can be extremely boisterous. This morning they were hitting each other at home and name calling, this continued in the school playground with my youngest kicking my eldest.

At pickup they were being rough with another child whose parent looked understandably unimpressed. Pushing and shoving and because there are two of them they look like bullies.

They come home and eldest just doesn’t listen. Needs to be told numerous times to do anything and backchats/calls names and youngest slapped his brother so hard he left a handprint in his back.

Im at the end of my tether. Their behaviour is on their terms and we give time out and remove screen time as a punishment and make them apologise to people when they’re unkind but it doesn’t sink in. They just do not care.

Hoping not to be roasted for my offspring and could really do with some advice on how I can turn this around.

I don’t think they have children, personally. I think it’s a very sad old man - perhaps woman (although less likely) with dogs. From their comments it looks like they think parenting is the same as having dogs. Clueless.

I sympathise. Mine were fairly feral at that age. Individually lovely, together, awful. I tried to separate them as much as possible and tried to be consistent. No, you cannot hit your brother, no you cannot eat the fish fingers off his plate, no you cannot try to decapitate your brother with a tennis racket. Bloody exhausting but in the end it worked and they grew up a bit. Hang in there OP, mine are lovely adults.

Separate them!!!

I have two with the same age gap. They are girls but very much on the physical side. And they fight, sometimes as a form of entertainment. Oldest is ND.

When they are together I am on alert for the winding up to begin and when it does I intervene before it gets physical and get them to go in separate rooms or other ends of the same room at least. It’s bloody tedious having to keep one eye and ear on them (even now they are 10 and 12!!) but otherwise the winding up may well turn into something physical.

The other thing is keep them busy. The fights seem, as I say, to start partly as a form of entertainment. So for example if you are chatting with a friend in the school playground and they have nothing to do - that’s when it starts. Or in a queue or a shop etc. Watch out for those times and try to have something for them to do (fidget toy?) or engage directly with them yourself so they aren’t bored.

Have you allowed rough play in the past? As I know some mums of boys think it’s fine and part of being a boy, get the energy out etc but I disagree. It’s very hard for a child to understand that THIS kind of rough play is ok but THAT kind is going too far. Much easier for them to understand that you do not ever hit/grab/wrestle your brother.

If your child (or both) has ADHD you are likely to find that unrelated or delayed consequences like removal of screen time have very little effect. Kids with these neuro differences struggle to control their immediate behaviour or reaction even if they know there will be a consequence later. Early intervention, prevention and zero tolerance will work better.

The poor things. Someone call social services!

This is an incredibly over the top post. Jesus Christ, get off your high horse. Maybe you're children just weren't that difficult to "train".

Because they arent feral and do as they're told? Yeah makes sense...

@magpiemagpuy

solidarity with you, I actually think that reading your posts, you sound like a lovely considerate parent, and are doing soooo much really well!

First checklist is:

Food: protein in the morning is super important, to regulate blood sugar all day. Eggs or ham or bacon etc.

Sleep: are they getting at least 11 hours?

Screens: Get rid of the iPad for a while. No tv either. Literally Tell them it’s broken. A month without screens will help so much, I promise!

Exercise: a good blow out after breakfast in the morning; walk to school, go to park, anything where they can run for 15+ mins before the school day.

If all that is in hand, then I second other posters saying that external help would be good now - it’s exhausting trying to figure it all out yourself and some guidance and strategies will help you get clarity on what matters, and what to let go of (with age appropriate expectations). Also it means that you and DH can align your approach.

I think you’ve got this op, like I say, you sound lovely and thoughtful, and they’re at a perfect age to make some tweaks that will make a world of difference xx

There is that I have noticed that the younger generation is so much more needy. So desperate to be liked. I say that being part of it, I was a child in the nineties. So i'm not that old.

It's not the role of a parent to be liked and to be popular. It's the role of a parent to bring your child up, to be a functioning member of society, not an absolute feral nightmare. There are just some things you are not allowed to do.

I think you are on to something. There are actually studies that show screen time impacting children's behavior in a negative way. Maybe take it away altogether for the time being. Do they have phones? Are they perhaps watching more screen time than you are aware of? You could be watching things on the computer as well.

Yes social services for parenting support.

I don’t think you are doing anything wrong if you are genuinely imposing consequences.

some kids (myself included) just enjoy being naughty at the time it’s happening and to hell with the consequences… and I was bought up with being smacked etc… I didn’t care it was more fun to run amok!

my poor mother!

No because they’re probably utterly terrified of you. Your karma will be served. Watch them all crumbling in therapy in a few years LOL

Bin the iPad off for starters (not literally, but put it away for the foreseeable future) other PPs have also touched on it aswell about screen time. The Internet social media, gaming etc has fucked up and damaged that generation. They are obsessed with that screen. It’s taken the place of parenting an iPad is an unpaid babysitter! Like I said bin it off, spend time with them, take it back to basics things that parents did with us (probably us that are in the 40+ bracket).

Genuine question, how is eldest on an ADHD assessment waiting list if school see no issues? Because generally referrals are rejected instantly if school see nothing. You need behaviour in at least 2 settings - which implies to me, if he is on an NHS waiting list, somewhere else must be seeing this behaviour too? If so, what do they think?

edited for spelling

I wouldn't reward chores with pocket money. That;s part of living in a family.

Yes, I've seen it from my own thread. People are terrified that others, even really awful people, won't like them. They'll allow others to totally intrude on their autonomy if it means they will let them come to the party.

I was utterly terrified of my mother at certain points during my childhood. I still loved her. I always loved her. I didn't need therapy.

She taught me right from wrong and I had a realistic view of the world. There were some things I just was not allowed to do. And if I was backchatting beating my siblings up and hassling other children I would have a tournament brought down upon me that I couldn't imagine.

It wouldn't just be a day without tv.

Social services don’t provide parental support for two silly, boisterous kids 🙄

If the OP went on a parenting course she’d be told to do pretty much what she’s doing, possibly with a reward chart as a suggestion.

It is horrible when someone comes on asking for help and suggestions and get the sort of criticism the op has had here.

Theyre not terrified of me. They feel safe and content because we have consistent boundaries. Don't be scared to parent your children! Then you wont have to get to the stage where you need to take the harsh steps I spoke of. That is to rehabilitate children who have had no structure or guidance.

They do have access to parenting classes and other means of support services that can help.parents who are struggling.

Can you have a family meeting and lay down the changes you are
making … list of non negotiables - keep simple and short . E.g no hitting
then a reward chart and heavy focus on positives

What a deeply unpleasant post.

What's deeply unpleasant is having to deal with these children.

Hey OP, what’s their behaviour in school like? Have their teachers said anything?
I would definitely get rid of the iPad. Some children’s behaviour is just really affected by it, and in that case it needs to go.

Get this book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-Together/dp/1853406309

Lots of positive praise, lots of individual attention. Nurture them as individuals and emphasise their bond (no competition between them, put them on a team and pit them against the adults). Don’t make them feel subconsciously that they need to fight for your attention. They both get what they need, there’s no need to fight…