My children are badly behaved and I don’t know what to do

[magpiemagpuy]

DH and I have two children. Boys aged 6 & 8 and I feel I finally have to admit their behaviour feels beyond my parenting skills.

We’ve done our best but it seems we’ve missed a step somewhere and now they’re very difficult at times. I’m not sure if that’s parenting in general or just our children.

Individually they’re reasonably behaved (most of the time) but together it feels like we’re verging on them being feral.

I feel bad for them and myself if I’m being really honest because they’re actually living kind little boys but I can see why other parents may not see that.

They can be extremely boisterous. This morning they were hitting each other at home and name calling, this continued in the school playground with my youngest kicking my eldest.

At pickup they were being rough with another child whose parent looked understandably unimpressed. Pushing and shoving and because there are two of them they look like bullies.

They come home and eldest just doesn’t listen. Needs to be told numerous times to do anything and backchats/calls names and youngest slapped his brother so hard he left a handprint in his back.

Im at the end of my tether. Their behaviour is on their terms and we give time out and remove screen time as a punishment and make them apologise to people when they’re unkind but it doesn’t sink in. They just do not care.

Hoping not to be roasted for my offspring and could really do with some advice on how I can turn this around.

Anytime my two start arguing it's 20mins in bedroom, timer on. Instantly.

Then, outside to play afterwards.

If they're still arguing, it's 30mins etc.

Oh stop it 😂

You need to draw your battle lines and enforce them consistently and stick to your guns every single time. Speak your expectations and enforce them. It's not a quick fix, it is enforcing expectations every single time for months. Until it sinks in. Pick 3 behaviours to focus on, draw your battle lines and enforce. Intervene and enforce before it gets out of hand, nip in the bud every single time for months until you no longer have that behavior. Then focus on the next behavior you want to eliminate.

You and DH need to be a team, enforce the rules consistently and the same every single time. Don't let it go ever.

Cut screens, they are a privilege not a right, same with nice activities. Every time you go somewhere, speak expectations and enforce them. You may find yourself leaving family days out/ nice things but the children must think you are serious when you expect behavior.

Lots of positive re-enforcement for good behaviour. Plenty of outside and exercise always helps with regulation.

I took away all 4 kids iPads for months. I told them I’d sold them. The difference was pretty radical.

OP we went through similar with DS at 8. I was tearing my hair out. I highly recommend the book ‘how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk’. It was a total gamechanger for us.

Good luck 🤞🏼

A few thoughts from me, OP:

1. Don’t be afraid in appropriate circumstances to let them know you are Really Cross. Not by shouting, but by deploying a really firm no-nonsense voice when it’s called for and removing them from any hitting zone. Children feel secure when they know who is in charge (and that it’s someone with far more experience and wisdom than them). They are helped, not damaged, by being contained within firm boundaries.
2. Find ways to ensure that each boy has regular time separately with each parent, in a positive setting, and feels really seen and understood as his unique self, not just one of “the boys”. If you prioritise positive attention, you are less likely to see negative attention-seeking behaviour.
3. If you use an incentive jar (ping pong balls for good behaviour, or whatever) make it a joint one. This sets the boys up to work together for a joint reward, with each invested in the other’s success as well as his own. Much better than a rivalry.
4. Go old-fashioned with leisure activities. No iPads for children of this age. Books, jigsaws, train sets, team games, swimming. Consider martial arts clubs or bouldering/climbing centres, which can be great for channelling energy and controlled risk-taking in a positive and safe way. My teens now enjoy climbing as a sociable and adventurous (screen-free!) hobby.

At 8 and 6, your two are young enough that you can turn this around. Not overnight, but you want things to be better and that is the first step right there. Best of luck to you.

I’ve got some friends whose child is very badly behaved in some settings (mainly when he isn’t the centre of attention - only child). He’s lovely when he is the only child present but with another kid around he has regular meltdowns. They didn’t discipline him at all until he started school, which I think is why he’s like this. They are now quite strict but it’s an uphill struggle and they often say they feel it’s not working. I think it will work - it just needs time and consistency. Actions - consequences. They do learn. Consistency is key.

What is their behaviour like in school? Do they have alone time with you? Kids at this age can be trying and push the boundaries. My boys used to fight all the time, so I put them into judo classes. They also enjoyed wrestling! I think distraction before it escalates, also rewarding good behaviour and not just punishing the bad.

I think some posters are catastrophizing.

OP, I imagine they can be irritating as hell sometimes, but your DC honestly don't sound that different from a lot of children. Siblings have walloped each other since time immemorial. In the past, parents used to chuck them outside to do it rather than actually trying to stop it. Any party round here involving a bouncy castle tends to end with a lot of kids trying to beat/kick/pull the crap out of each other and parents judging whether or not to intervene. My two DC get along wonderfully and the small one cried when the big one went back to school, but she still greeted him with a bop on the nose when he came out today and they spent the whole way home trying to whack each other.

Just tell them to keep it in the family and no nasty names.

If they’re silly together then divide and conquer. Take a child each whenever and wherever you can .

And yep, some posters are going wayyyy over the top! You’ve got a pair of brothers who are fighting each other - I mean, this is totally normal. BUT it needs nipping in the bud and I’d start by separating them as much as possible, praising even the tiniest bit of good behaviour, ignoring silly behaviour and coming down hard on violent / pushing / name calling.

when out and about, if they don’t behave, they are removed

How about sending them to boxing, or martial arts classes ?
They might learn to control their aggression.

Some good advice above. I have a friend who is an excellent parent and has similar issues to you- also at the end of her tether- so it won’t be just you. Parenting is hard work.

I get that this works with NT kids. But if the eldest is suspected ADHD then, its next to useless.

I think OP is putting in consequences, so interesting that it isn't making a difference..it isn't always poor parenting- some kids are just more wilful.

If it's ND issues , OP, I'd recommend reading some parenting books for ADHD - see just the techniques work for you.

It may be that you need to focus on the environment, rather than rules.

For example, spend more time in the countryside where they can run around and climb trees and explore.

At school time, make the start of the day calm. Eat non sugary breakfast. Have a quiet walk to school.

Sometimes these actions stop the bad behaviour in the first place.

You might have to avoid situations that cause this behaviour ( crowded shops etc)

Was going to suggest ADHD. I have 2 with ADHD and whilst they might not have hit each other everything else I can agree with.

Apart from eventually getting a diagnosis and meds I think lots and lots of exercise. Mine could walk 2 miles without any issue at 18 months old
Infact it was probably more than 2 miles as they would run around on the dog walk

I will tell you it is exhausting. Mine were on the trampoline (with net) for hours.

Don't bother shouting or being strict or punishing. It’s a waste of time.

Getting down to their level and explaining why it’s not ok to do certain things.
Sometimes you have to explain that how their actions come across to other people who don’t understand they are not bullying another child but having fun and playing and these negative impressions stick even after you explaining.to a parent that they don’t mean any harm.

Or explain if you do this then they themselves could get hurt if…and give a valid reason why

Believe me when I say you will get sick of the sound of your own voice.

Each time you leave the house explain what you would like them to do. I wouldn’t give them impossible or vague targets to achieve like Please don’t run around. You know that ain’t going to happen. I used to harness their need to run with going to get something for me in the supermarket that I knew was on a lower shelf. They were perfectly safe as I could hear everything they were saying in the next aisle. And I would spy on them from the top of the aisle. Don’t say what you don’t like or want that is just a negative.

Like dogs, children need lots of exercise and ignore bad behaviour and praise the good.

I don't want to come across as one of those parents but in my opinion no 6 or 8 year old child needs an iPad. Take them both away and don't give them back. If they need something to do give them lego, drawing pad, read a book.

Hi @magpiemagpuy

i hope you’re ok. I think it’s great to come on here and pick through the advice that works for you. I would also buy books where the values align with yours on how you want to parent and really look for ideas and strategies just like you would when you’re learning anything that’s evolving. It’s impossible to know what to do and everyone I know constantly reads books or ideas
i would say that all my friends who had multiple boys around this age were exhausted and had a tough time.

I think the difference is that at this age, you can really lay down your expectations and how you expect them to behave.

I firmly believe that if they feel they’re getting time with you in a way that makes them feel loved their behaviour can improve drastically. (I’m not saying they don’t feel loved now or you don’t do this but time doing things they want not what you think they should do, is so good at improving behavior as they listen to your instructions more easily. For example, if one of them likes kicking a ball around, if you or your husband spends a few hours doing that with him every weekend, he will listen more to what you say. Or building Lego together, whatever they love not what you think they should. Also a games evening pitting them against you. Immediately it goes wrong, give them a warning to stop and then if it doesn’t, go down to their level, firmly in the eye, we are stopping now because of xyz. Then stop.

The key is to pivot, reward good behavior with attention and move forward as soon as they calm down. They will learn to listen a bit better but . It sounds like they come from a loving home and you will be able to make big inroads quickly I reckon. But it will be boisterous for a while you just need to make sure they will listen when you ask them to calm down xx

As if social services have time for this.

Where are the men in the picture??? They do this even once in my house, my husband takes them by the hand, sit them roughly on the sofa and tells them with very straight words that this has to stop if not.......the choice is yours. This said with a proper man's voice, authority and like he means it in his eyes.

Some of the children's TV has a dreadful influence on children's behaviour. I can see now why some parents used to ban ITV. Peppa Pig and Sponge Bob were quickly on the naughty list in my house. The child would be awful for a bit after those.

My DD6 has also had some behaviour issues similar to what you described last year, and honestly you just have to start being really strict. The second she starts kicking off we remove her, even if that means physically picking her up and putting her elsewhere. I also kept a note (like literal written note) of all the times/ what she was doing when she kicked off to try and see if there was a pattern. She was kicking off before group/family activities with large groups. Once we realised that we focused on making her more comfortable in these situations and that made a huge difference.

Go to tnlc.info

And follow their advice religiously

Do they have enough rest and time to just relax and regulate?

How is their sleep?

What’s their diet like?