My children are badly behaved and I don’t know what to do

[magpiemagpuy]

DH and I have two children. Boys aged 6 & 8 and I feel I finally have to admit their behaviour feels beyond my parenting skills.

We’ve done our best but it seems we’ve missed a step somewhere and now they’re very difficult at times. I’m not sure if that’s parenting in general or just our children.

Individually they’re reasonably behaved (most of the time) but together it feels like we’re verging on them being feral.

I feel bad for them and myself if I’m being really honest because they’re actually living kind little boys but I can see why other parents may not see that.

They can be extremely boisterous. This morning they were hitting each other at home and name calling, this continued in the school playground with my youngest kicking my eldest.

At pickup they were being rough with another child whose parent looked understandably unimpressed. Pushing and shoving and because there are two of them they look like bullies.

They come home and eldest just doesn’t listen. Needs to be told numerous times to do anything and backchats/calls names and youngest slapped his brother so hard he left a handprint in his back.

Im at the end of my tether. Their behaviour is on their terms and we give time out and remove screen time as a punishment and make them apologise to people when they’re unkind but it doesn’t sink in. They just do not care.

Hoping not to be roasted for my offspring and could really do with some advice on how I can turn this around.

So what were the consequences for slapping his brother?

Are they getting enough physical exercise? Boys that age have huge amounts of energy to burn

Are your only consequences loss of screen time and time out? You need to get much stricter.

Take the screens away. They need to earn screen time instead of it being automatically given and then revoked.

Do they go online much ?

This, some kids are like dogs in that they need a lot of exercise to keep them calm.

Consequences for him hitting his brother are a good telling off and sent to his room. They’ve already lost their iPads after school for being mean to the other child. I have also made them apologise to the child and their mum.

in terms of exercise they’re at school all day and we walk the dog and go to the park after school, weather permitting. Weekends are swimming, football and cricket etc.

You should have stopped the name calling and the hitting when it started. Same with the back chat.
Now you're going to have to be very clear about expectations and outcomes. Also have rewards and praise. It's going to be tough, but if you both stick to it, it'll work.

They seem to have a lot of exercise. How about down time? Does bedtime have a calm routine ending with a story?

@ThejoyofNCI’ve been saying this to DH today. The iPad is a given and we take it away rather than it being a treat that is earned.

We definitely need to be stricter but I worry about being over the top and this is how we’ve ended up here.

we’re at the point where they only really listen to DH and even that is fading. I’m inclined to scold and they don’t even register it anymore.

I’m actually embarrassed by their behaviour and the fact we’ve let it get this way

So his bedroom becomes his jail? That will cause issues. Honestly parenting is about consistent firm boundaries. Ive never given my children the impression that they can run around and have physical play just anywhere they want to. Yes they need physical exercise, but it also sounds like they need reining in in terms of acceptable behaviour. Stop the cricket and football and things, those are for well behaved children who don't have to practice walking properly and basic manners on their weekends. No iPad, no screens, TV is for grown ups and good children. You need to get serious before your children are able to seriously violate the boundaries and rights of others.

I'd also get help from social services and get into some parenting classes with other parents in similar chaotic circumstances. You'll have to admit how badly things are going though and speak about how violent they are.

They sound like they're on a dangerous path.

The problem is we don’t know how to stop the bad behaviour. When the name calling/back chat started we ran through the usual punishments as listed above and they don’t bat an eyelid

Have the school raised any concerns?

So when that didn't work, what did you try?

You need professional input from child services. You need parenting classes.

When did they lose respect for you, and what did your DH do about that?

At 6 and 8 they are old enough to understand a conversation about how their behaviour affects others, including you. I would have this conversation when they are not acting up, and then when they are acting up remind them that their behaviour affects others.

Also, consistency. Every name call, every push and shove, every backchat--you need to remind them that it's not on, and intervene. Yes, it's exhausting, yes, it is time consuming, yes, you will want to scream in boredom and frustration, but it is the ONLY way.

Finally, catch them when they are being good and tell them they are being good.

A mum told me that when my DS was a toddler and it really stuck with me!

Do you check what they're accessing on the iPad?

Let them earn rewards (iPad, tv etc.) for good behaviour, rather than losing them for bad behaviour. Keep a star chart - special bigger reward for x days of good behaviour. If one is rewarded and the other isn’t, don’t let them share. The one who doesn’t get the reward won’t be happy, but that’s the point. Treat them, and speak to them about it, as individuals. How do they behave at school? If they behave there, the problem lies at home, perhaps with your expectations.

It’s your job to teach them what’s acceptable when mixing with other people. Backchat to adults, name-calling and hitting are not acceptable. I’m afraid I find it hard to believe that they really don’t care about the punishments you give, but if that’s really the case you need to find something they do care about.

I think we’ve been strict in some respects but clearly far too soft in others.

we’ve never had any issues with bedtime/homework etc. and they do very well academically. Their teachers enjoy having them in class and we’ve never had any concerns raised at school.

It’s the name calling and hitting each other. The general silliness and just not stopping despite being told.

eldest is on a referral for ADHD and youngest rides on his tailcoats

Surely the school have things in place? If we had behaviour like this there would be team teach, maybe a behaviour plan and definitely conversations every single day with parents at pick up over how the day has gone. Do they behave this way in school ?? Ask if anything the school is doing is working / helping ?

What happens when their behaviour continues after you have removed the ipad?

Do they get a lot of praise and attention when their well behaved Maybe try focusing on rewards for good behaviour rather then punishment for bad behaviour get like a jar each you can put things in when they get so many they get a treat like a toy or so long of screen time when their behaviour isnt good you take one out.

Disregarding some of the previous posts, I’d also be inclined to ask school if they see any of this there. I have two boys with a three-year gap and the older one was really tricky from around 8 years old to 10 (not helped by Covid). Generally behaved well at school, though, and I think he used to ‘decompress’ at home. He’s now 13 and absolutely lovely.

i also had the impression he wasn’t listening to me but somewhere something must have sunk in. Misbehaviour towards others is a no-no but hopefully you can work on that.