My children are badly behaved and I don’t know what to do

[magpiemagpuy]

DH and I have two children. Boys aged 6 & 8 and I feel I finally have to admit their behaviour feels beyond my parenting skills.

We’ve done our best but it seems we’ve missed a step somewhere and now they’re very difficult at times. I’m not sure if that’s parenting in general or just our children.

Individually they’re reasonably behaved (most of the time) but together it feels like we’re verging on them being feral.

I feel bad for them and myself if I’m being really honest because they’re actually living kind little boys but I can see why other parents may not see that.

They can be extremely boisterous. This morning they were hitting each other at home and name calling, this continued in the school playground with my youngest kicking my eldest.

At pickup they were being rough with another child whose parent looked understandably unimpressed. Pushing and shoving and because there are two of them they look like bullies.

They come home and eldest just doesn’t listen. Needs to be told numerous times to do anything and backchats/calls names and youngest slapped his brother so hard he left a handprint in his back.

Im at the end of my tether. Their behaviour is on their terms and we give time out and remove screen time as a punishment and make them apologise to people when they’re unkind but it doesn’t sink in. They just do not care.

Hoping not to be roasted for my offspring and could really do with some advice on how I can turn this around.

I would have a family meeting over a meal or a walk to discuss family values and rules - get by in from them. Maybe they can select and sort out pictures or printed worlds
things like quality time together, being patient with each other, privacy etc, being non violent (lol). Get them to talk about the values they choose and why they are improtnant,
then create family rules and consequences for not following.

Both my boys as youngsters were very loud, almost hyperactive, full of boundless energy, had strong emotions etc. I realised exhausting as it was they both needed a lot of daily exercise. We did lots of beach walks, tree climbing, toddler groups etc etc. They wd come back home shattered, but quite a bit calmer. I'm not saying this is the case for u, but years later both my boys were diagnosed with Asperger's. I worked a lot with the school SENCO, and teachers. I read books on the subject and went on various courses. Their behaviour started to improve when I worked with visual aids to explain behaviours to them. I always suspected they had ADHD too, they had soooooo much energy. Both boys are now quite calm adult boys (they're in their 20's and are enjoying Uni life and thriving) but it was hard hard work in those early years. Maybe start by talking to their teachers and the school SENCO for advice. I wd also talk to yr GP. Ours referred the boys to a Clinical Psychologist, Speech Therapist etc. We used reward charts with them, praised good behaviour, but also there were always consequences to very bad behaviour. We rarely shouted at them, but Sat them down once they had calmed, to calmly talk through why they acted out etc. Wishing you and your boys all the very best. I'm sure they will calm more as they get older. You will need to be assertive and firm tho, or sadly they will walk all over you and yr hubby. Good luck guys and remember to try and give yourselves breaks too to recharge 🙂

I had always understood that a 2 yr gap was ideal??

I've heard a lot of people say this, but it's always looked fairly tortuous to me 😂.

Ideal for whom?

I heard an interesting radio piece about age gaps in great primates (including us). Apparently 3-4 year gaps are more ‘natural’ and are what gorillas, chimpanzees, and orangutans tend to have. (Also orcas.) The piece said that humans were more likely to have this age gap before modern times (linked with the return of fertility when breastfeeding as well as the unlikelihood that a woman with a baby or a toddler would voluntarily be up for sex very often) so maybe it’s another artefact of the patriarchy that makes life harder for women than it needs to be? Just a thought.

You say your eldest is on the referral pathway for ADHD. This may explain the behaviour. I know Mumsnet thinks badly behaved kids can only be a product of bad parenting but the truth is some kids are wired differently and just don’t respond to threats, punishments and the like. I have a 5 year old also on the referral pathway and our life is like this. We are not lackadaisical parents, we set clear boundaries, we have consequences, and fuck me but it just doesn’t work.

How do you know they coped perfectly fine. Just because you didn’t know any different doesn’t mean it didn’t happen

What do you consider modern day because I am damn sure I was one of those children that would have been considered out of control. I was diagnosed in my late 50s with ADHD 9/9 in all areas

My children both have ADHD and I wasn’t a strict parent. They are adults now and both have management positions in large companies as well as their own business’s

My family were very strict with me and I grew up with no direction and no one I trusted to give me advice.

!

Same here only my 2 DC are 7 & 11.
I can tell if my 11 year old is being naughty or if it's something he can't help and because he does understand social cues he can say things that aren't appropriate but not to be rude or horrible because he's not that kind of human being. He's misunderstood by people who don't know him.

Hi OP

I can relate to your situation. I have 2 boys as well their 10 & 7 and at times a total nightmare...... at School their fantastic no issues at all..... but at home with each other t's unbearable at times name calling, fighting just generally anything they can to pss each other off which in turn ends in a full on scrap and me being pssed off and screaming at them.....

I have though recently seen a change, I have started letting them play out with other local boys (all similar ages) near where we live they stick together and all ride their bikes, I'm very fortunate as its safe not near any busy main roads etc so I understand this isn't an option for many but I have fund this to really help. My youngest could be a pain at bedtime some evenings too and I have seen that he is settling so much quicker.

Don't get me wrong t's not perfect and the arguing/fighting still happens but it's a lot less often, I've also introduced "film night" a couple of times a week even midweek and I will let them get their blankets and pillows down and watch a film or half on school nights with a couple of snacks.

My eldest has been a really active busy boy with football for the last 2 years but the youngest bless him has been dragged about with us a lot for that but he has also started now too so I think the fact their both enjoying things they have in common is helping. I also think though that they are brothers and boys and at that age.

Of course they need discipline and mine get it but all these suggestions of involving CS and GPs my word.......

It depends on what you mean by being 'soft' because showing a child care, responsiveness and sensitivity won't make them badly behaved.

Lazy or permissive parenting.....Not following through on boundaries (where reasonable) giving them everything they want, not bothering to give them enough attention or positive regard will.And I agree that sadly a higher proportion of parents as a whole are more disconnected, burnt out and preoccupied from their children than in the past generation.Screens don't help, nor do finanical pressures or the lack of time kids spend getting fresh air and exercise now.

Its no coincidence that often the children with the most behavioural problems (unless there is genuine SEN) have the lives with the highest levels of trauma, adverse childhood experiences, parental disconnection and emotional abuse going on.Surely you can't disagree there.
Also, teachers need to understand that some kids just aren't cut out for the school environment and find it boring, overwhelming or rigid, which can cause challenging behaviours.
That's on schools to revolutionise learning methods....more outdoor learning, active learning, focus on creative subjects like music, dance or drama etc, to meet more kids needs, not just the academic ones, but sadly that will never happen.

As a parent, I think its important to advocate for your child and validate their concerns whilst picking your battles somewhat and keeping an open mind (as sometimes, kids do embellish things, make things up or get things wrong by mistake).Parents shouldn't go in 'all guns blazing' without good reason and schools should not dismiss or not take parental concerns and complains seriously either.

Also, teachers need to understand that some kids just aren't cut out for the school environment and find it boring, overwhelming or rigid, which can cause challenging behaviours.
That's on schools to revolutionise learning methods....more outdoor learning, active learning, focus on creative subjects like music, dance or drama etc, to meet more kids needs, not just the academic ones, but sadly that will never happen.

Teachers do understand this. Most would agree with what you say here.

Unfortunately, many teachers’ hands are tied by numbers of children under their supervision, the curriculum (which isn’t up to schools; state schools have to teach what the government of the day order them to teach), and the funding available. you can’t have exciting lessons with loads of games if you can’t keep behaviour under control (which can lead to a lovely vicious circle).

And you can’t have exciting and original lessons every time when teachers are already working 60-hour weeks trying to keep up with marking and recording and data, their pastoral responsibilities, and their break time/lunchtime duties. Planning takes time and it’s no wonder so many teachers resort to textbooks etc, it’s often the only way of coping and acquiring the work and data that they’re assessed on for their professional development and performance related pay.
You can’t have 1:30 outdoors, it’s not possible to do safely. You can’t just allow kids to do dance and art because (a) you have to follow the NC, and (b) the previous government cut funding so deeply, and made it so that schools are judged on their core results, that creative subjects have been all but annihilated in many schools as they direct more of the very limited resources into their maths and English in order to obtain the all-important grades in those subjects.

The system is a mess, but blaming teachers means you are scapegoating the wrong group of people.

DoubtfulCat · Today 17:40

Also, teachers need to understand that some kids just aren't cut out for the school environment and find it boring, overwhelming or rigid, which can cause challenging behaviours.

Teachers do understand that. Teachers don't have any choice over whether children who aren't cut out for it go to school or not. They don't get to decide what the school environment is like, or choose what the government decides they should get judged on by Ofsted. They just turn up and do the best they can at doing their job.

Teachers don't get to decide what proportion of creative subjects there are. And most of them put a hell of a lot of effort into making lessons engaging and interesting. But the fact is, there's only so much you can do to make maths or French interesting to a child who isn't interested. Not all children like creative subjects or being outside either!