My children are badly behaved and I don’t know what to do

[magpiemagpuy]

DH and I have two children. Boys aged 6 & 8 and I feel I finally have to admit their behaviour feels beyond my parenting skills.

We’ve done our best but it seems we’ve missed a step somewhere and now they’re very difficult at times. I’m not sure if that’s parenting in general or just our children.

Individually they’re reasonably behaved (most of the time) but together it feels like we’re verging on them being feral.

I feel bad for them and myself if I’m being really honest because they’re actually living kind little boys but I can see why other parents may not see that.

They can be extremely boisterous. This morning they were hitting each other at home and name calling, this continued in the school playground with my youngest kicking my eldest.

At pickup they were being rough with another child whose parent looked understandably unimpressed. Pushing and shoving and because there are two of them they look like bullies.

They come home and eldest just doesn’t listen. Needs to be told numerous times to do anything and backchats/calls names and youngest slapped his brother so hard he left a handprint in his back.

Im at the end of my tether. Their behaviour is on their terms and we give time out and remove screen time as a punishment and make them apologise to people when they’re unkind but it doesn’t sink in. They just do not care.

Hoping not to be roasted for my offspring and could really do with some advice on how I can turn this around.

Not at all. People with these types of children are often totally oblivious to their reputation ot how far outside the norm their children behave. And no it isn't ND. It's just a lack of consistent boundaries from a strong caregiver.

They both have water and milk to drink. Nothing fizzy or sugary has I’ve seen how apple juice impacts eldest!

food is home cooked whole food. Home made chicken curry, homemade bolognaise, roast chicken and vegetables etc. etc.

snack are cheese and yoghurt/rice cakes. They have (homemade) cake and custard or jelly for dessert most evenings

That’s unfair. No one knows in advance how they will cope several years in the future and whether they will be good at parenting or not. No one knows how difficult their children may turn out to be. Even if you had one and waited 4 years to see how it pans out, you could be great with the first and struggle with the second.

I would bet my bottom dollar this angry, bitter poster has a blended family. The projected hatred at OP and her DC will be coming from feelings about children/the parent of said children this poster has in their own life. Poor kids.

You need to find something that is a superior treat (like ipad)and offer it for good behaviour.
be on it at all times and intervene before things escalate . For us it’s switch we let ds play 30 min every evening but he gets extra for good behaviour. Or time taken off for poor behaviour.

manage their environment, so school pick get youngest first he walks with you to get eldest then leave. No opportunities for foul play.
Dont set them up to fail, don’t do things they can’t cope with, with them like supermarket shopping for example.

lots of exercise/energy burning. Low sugar/food colouring.

At home role mode the behaviour you want, do board games , books and encourage sharing/turn taking etc short games at first and buildup.

Have one consistent form of discipline be it loss of iPad or time out. Keep it small (Overwise they lose the incentive to behave) so take ten minutes ipad time rather than the whole iPad. That way they know they have to behave to keep the rest.

Try to preempt issues and intervene with distraction but if that doesn’t work warn them they will lose xyz . Then if they misbehaved follow through with the consequence.

They shouldn't have iPads at all at 6 and 8.

I just want to say well done for being open about it. I think that’s brave. Lots of good advice here - just work out a plan of campaign with DH and stick to it. Their bedroom needs to be quite boring if that’sctheir coll-off zone. Be prepared for extinction burst of WORSE behaviour once you start the regime. Be open about telling people what you’rectrying tovachieve so they can support you. Big hugs to you xx

When exactly did you put the camera in the OP’s house? This is not so much a leap as a record-breaking long jump…

Unfortunately not - they’ve been posting some really vile comments on this thread

These are kids that need keeping busy - if they're not busy then they're going to be busy winding each other up!

The minute they are getting bored and starting to wind each other up, immediately distract and get them doing something positive. Have chores for them to earn money, have a jigsaw puzzle set up somewhere for them to do some of, have colouring of their favourite characters available, set them a lego challenge, play board games/card games with them as much as you can so they get used to playing together nicely, taking turns etc

Know the points at which they start playing up - if it's in the car then have an audio book for them to listen to, if it's over breakfast then sit with them and chat to them, if it's walking to school get them to try to spot different things on the way - a black car, yellow leaves etc. Lots of praise and being impressed for any good behaviour, following rules or achieving the things you ask.

Kids want to please - but if no one's taking that much of an interest or getting involved with them then they'll make their own entertainment! Please don't shut them in their rooms with nothing to do as punishment they'll just be more resentful - engage them more instead.

Regarding the name calling and hitting behaviour between your DC. Where have they seen this? How do you and your DH interact with eachother and with the children?

Is name calling/ rough play a normal part of your family life?

We don't really have many rules, but being kind and respectful of one another is huge for me. My children simply aren't allowed to be unkind/ hurt eachother, but it started when they were babies. DH and I are the same in our relationship.

At those ages, straight forward cause and effect teaching is important. They do something in line with your family principles=reward, they do something against them= consequence. Make your family rules very simple and clear and all about the “dos” rather than the “don’ts”, eg, “Do use kind words.”

Oh I think some Karma is already on its way to you so I wouldn’t be so sure about that.

This is so unhelpful. Please listen to other posters who will have good advice for you. Parenting is hard so good luck.

Look for a Parenting Class @magpiemagpuy. It'll be a game changer.

Good luck.

Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys was a godsend here, it's a book by Noel Janis Norton.

I'd recommend you join The Village parenting group on Facebook. The people there are lovely and will give good advice.

I’d recommend downloading the Good Inside app with Dr Becky, she does podcasts as well- she has a very practical and relatable approach to guiding parents with kids of a variety of ages and challenging/problem areas/behaviours with her goal being to enable parents to become “sturdy leaders “ ie. not gentle or permissive parenting. You can just sign up for three months which is cheaper than a year. Good luck x

Do they both get alone time with you and/or dad? Sometimes kids act up for the attention, even if the attention is a telling off.

I also have two boys and I've noticed how they've spent a bit too much time together over the holidays and every now and then need to be separated and treated and given one to one attention. I also think this time of year is a big adjustment for them when they go back to school and they can get a bit overwhelmed, so maybe talking to them and getting to the root of the behaviour would help (e.g. are they happy at school? Do they like their teacher and classmates? Are they getting enough sleep? Etc)

Good luck OP

I think it's pretty obvious that two children are going to be more work than one. I guess all the families I know that have this issue also had very close age gaps AND it was obvious they were struggling to cope before the latter children were conceived. You know they announce the pregnancy and everyone side eyes as their current kid is currently clawing their grandmother's eyes out.

Lol okay. None of my kids behave this way and they're all at least the age of her youngest. We have 5 kids in total from year 1 to uni.

If they always dick around in the playground before school then they walk in with you, holding your hand. They stand with you, either holding your hand or in some way connected until it’s time to go in. If they do this over a time period, they can earn walking next to you not holding hands/waiting next to you not holding hands.

take them to the park, out for walks, without each other, let them blow off steam without baking in time for them to niggle at each other constantly. The fighting is a habit that needs breaking and the way to do that is to separate them, either completely or by physically standing between them.

and I hate to say it but a digital detox is likely in order. No iPads for at least 2 weeks and then review and see where you are.

I actually think it doesn’t sound that bad which I’m sure will get me roasted in turn but some of these responses are over the top (social services!?)

My neighbours very well behaved DD ran out of school the other day, saw her younger sister and slapped her. She was firmly told off, lost her TV time that evening … it happens.

These children have boundaries, they have sanctions, they seem like normal kids who get overexcited and silly. They absolutely need to listen and they should be pulled up on poor behaviour but I think some responses here are way OTT.

Edited because my question was already answered. I shall keep my opinions on this poster to myself, lest I be banned.

I think it’s very positive that there are no problems at school and they go to bed and do their homework. There is hope!

I have dc with diagnosed behaviour problems and they were even worse at school than at home. The school told me not to do homework with them as they knew it would be hell!

I agree with no iPads. They make the situation worse. And what child wants just half an hour before they have to come off. No point in that. I also agree with pp that some tv before bedtime is ok, preferably with you all watching together. My dc used to love that.

As a parent of children like this you have to be engaged with them all the time. If you leave them together while you go and put the washing on or whatever there will be carnage. My dc enjoyed board games but I would have to sit in the middle and be really strict about the rules.

Lots of getting out in the fresh air as pps have said. I used to take mine out for an hour before bed in the summer and play games like piggy in the middle. Again I would have to actively play. My dc could never play in the park while I sat on a bench on my phone like the other mums 😆. I would have to go round with them and play to prevent them from fighting. I was always in the middle wherever we went even if they were eating.

Yes it was extreme!

I wouldn’t focus so much on the punishments and consequences like some pps are advising. You can’t live like that. I had someone come to the house to help with behaviour techniques and they said that a five minute consequence was as effective as a whole day.

Good luck!