My children are badly behaved and I don’t know what to do

[magpiemagpuy]

DH and I have two children. Boys aged 6 & 8 and I feel I finally have to admit their behaviour feels beyond my parenting skills.

We’ve done our best but it seems we’ve missed a step somewhere and now they’re very difficult at times. I’m not sure if that’s parenting in general or just our children.

Individually they’re reasonably behaved (most of the time) but together it feels like we’re verging on them being feral.

I feel bad for them and myself if I’m being really honest because they’re actually living kind little boys but I can see why other parents may not see that.

They can be extremely boisterous. This morning they were hitting each other at home and name calling, this continued in the school playground with my youngest kicking my eldest.

At pickup they were being rough with another child whose parent looked understandably unimpressed. Pushing and shoving and because there are two of them they look like bullies.

They come home and eldest just doesn’t listen. Needs to be told numerous times to do anything and backchats/calls names and youngest slapped his brother so hard he left a handprint in his back.

Im at the end of my tether. Their behaviour is on their terms and we give time out and remove screen time as a punishment and make them apologise to people when they’re unkind but it doesn’t sink in. They just do not care.

Hoping not to be roasted for my offspring and could really do with some advice on how I can turn this around.

My understanding of at least some parenting classes is that removal of privileges is a strategy recommended which you are doing. And removing the very things that help them burn excessive energy ie sports wouldn't help in my view.

I know ...sorry I hasten to add I wasnt saying it was acceptable.

But parenting was harsher then even without hitting. Now it's just take away a screen for a day.

She's left it too long to rein them in.

If you call being abusive to people asking for help on the internet, speaking your mind. You sound delightful. I hope nobody hurts you!

I do not have sons but I have two godsons with the same age difference as yours.

Here's a word of consolation. As boys, they were out of control, constantly fighting, and uncommunicative because their parents were at loggerheads about how to parent them. Then their mum died, their dad took over, and they lived exclusively on pizza and Coca Cola for 10 years. Now both in their 30s, they are two loving, gentle, delightful men with wonderful partners, children of their own, and great jobs. Do not despair!

She’s said they do activities like sport at weekends, and walking the dog is necessary and gives them exercise. Children should not have to be provided with non-stop entertainment.

ADHD - the hitting / argument / winning is a dopamine hit which they are short of - get this sorted and the fighting could stop.

It all sounds like a very negative cycle that you need to get out of.

I'd try and frame it all positively for a while. Earning ipad time instead of removing it, earning marbles/stickers for good behaviour and then a reward after a certian amount etc.

Get rid of the iPad completely. Sell them or give them away, they are totally toxic and unnecessary.

It will be hell on earth to begin with but have you tried a complete screen detox for a couple of weeks?

They likely won't so keep your concern for the feral kids who become feral adults the rest of society have to deal with. Think you might know some...

I think removing screen time generally will help as there is definitely a deterioration in behaviour when their time is up. They’re allowed 30 mins a day during the week and an hour a day at the weekend

In terms of physical exercise we have swimming, scootering around the park, cricket club, football and we often go to soft play.

They also get down time where they do Lego and puzzles etc. so there are times when they’re happy and well behaved but when they go over to the other side it’s so difficult to bring them back and I feel completely frazzled by it

Some posters are being unnecessarily unpleasant. You are holding your hands up and being very open to advice, which is great.

Try to take the emotion out of your response to the bad behaviour and be calm and transactional about it. Decide on the consequences for the behaviour, stick to them every single time and don't back down. Don't argue, don't negotiate. Present a united front.

Give warm, enthusiastic praise good behaviour or lack of bad behaviour, especially in situations where they would normally behave badly (and especially when one of them has managed not to be dragged into bad behaviour by the other). Trainee teachers are taught to 'Catch them being good'!

Present a united front with your dh and act as though you have total and utter confidence in your authority. Look surprised (but calm) if they misbehave. The key is total consistency and to not reward bad behaviour with attention and discussion, but with consequences.

You've taken the first step which is to want change. The other good thing is that aged 6 & 8, they are still teachable. As a teacher, I want to reassure you that your opinion and demeanor (unspoken reactions and actions, facial expressions) are very powerful. They REALLY are. So use them. Show your disapproval for any boisterous behaviour and clamp down immediately. Let them know you disapprove. Make sure your DH does the same. It is absolutely imperative that HE enforces this. And also, remember to praise good behaviour.

Start out by having a chat with them about how they need to tone it down. Give some specific examples and clear directions: 'Hitting is not ok. Name calling is not ok.' and then as @CallItLoneliness says, keep up the boring reinforcement. Consistency is essential. Do not let anything slip, address it EVERY time. If you need 'punishment' make them sit on chairs in separate rooms.

I saw a family walking through Ikea yesterday, the young boys were being silly; I'd never have accepted that - DH and I would have said straight away, 'stop being silly, walk sensibly, don't be so loud, watch where you're going, there are other people here; be considerate' - It might seem harsh at first but that is how adults teach children how to comport themselves appropriately.

Also, I know all families are different but 6 & 8 is really too young for screens aside from some boring CBeebies telly at tea time to faciliate cooking or a Saturday morning kids' show (so you can have a lie-in). So the iPads should be for Saturday mornings only.

Generally, at 6 & 8 they should still be playing with Lego or pushing around wooden trains. Perhaps, they could be in the garden for kickabout but only if they are keeping the ball off the neighbours' fences and not destroying your flowerbeds. If you go out to a pub for for the day, bring sticker books/colouring books for them, or their reading books - Wimpy Kid series, etc.

Parents weren't seeking social validation from their children back then. They weren't as desperate to be liked.

What the actual fuck. And you think they need child services as well. Birth control? Lest they breed another undesirable?

@magpiemagpuy it could be worse, your kids could be like this adult

Our first two were very easy children. Excellent behaviour. Namely luck of the draw, as we have done zero differently and DTwins have been appallingly behaved at times.

Girl twin wouldn't listen to DH. A veritable Verucca Salt. It took around 6 months of me, one to one disciplining her and her tantrums. What felt like hours and hours every day, I would take her into a room while she screamed and sulked. Eventually she learned that a tantrum meant being removed from the rest of the family and any entertainment or engagement until she got a grip of herself, and apologised. It was a long 6mths but we're out the other side.

They are only 5 now, so a little younger, but they do still wrestle each other from time to time, always choosing a lovely big audience to make me look like shit mum of the year. What I do straight away, is separate them, and we walk out of the area one firmly in each hand. We go straight back to the car, and if one is being a real fool, I strap the least offensive one into their car seat shut the door and deal with the other. Divide and conquer. Removing them from a situation at the immediate sign of poor behaviour is quite key for us. Don't be scared to man handle a child who is being violent, no other parent will be judging you for whisking them out of the way to prevent them injuring another child.

But please don't be too hard on yourself. We have very differently behaved children, who we've had to parent very differently to achieve the same outcomes. You'll get there x

You don't mention chores. They are old enough to tidy their rooms, make their beds, set the table, put their toys away, do weeding, feed pets etc. Time taken doing chores would give them less time to fight one another and a sense of achievement, especially if they each have a white board to tick things off or a sticker chart.

What a horrible, mean-spirited post.

Is this a joke

Yes, that's always a good strategy, and they're part of the household. It gives responsibility.

At 6 and 8 they should not have iPads! Unfortunately you’ve made a rod for your own back by not disciplining them from a young age! They will have a reputation at school and won’t be invited to friends houses! You say they are perceived as bullies well, their behaviour with another child makes them bullies! Does the school have a school nurse, if so make an appointment with her and see if they run any parenting classes!

What food and drink are they having? Sugar, additives?

They have chores 😊 they make their own beds and tidy their toys up every day. They also help with loading dishwasher/washing machine and little odd jobs in the garden. Completing their chores means they get £5 each Saturday - perhaps we’re being too generous here?

Good they do chores. What do they do with the pocket money?

OP

We have all been there

Anyone who says otherwise are lying

My d d had a bday party few weeks back

The ones who always appear to be the goody two shoes and never put a foot out of place were kicking the crap out of each other at the very start of the party
I had to stand in the middle of them multiple times

And it made me realise that they all bloody test us

Some more than. Others yes

Also If there is suspected neurodivergence is there masking in school?

Try not to panic too much !!!

Yes, that's too much. We never gave money for chores, it is just being part of a household and having responsibility. I would stop the money.
Give it back for a week of good behaviour, but only maybe £2. Not linked to chores.