Husband not allowing daughter’s boyfriend in her bedroom

[Lostgirl81]

My 18 year old daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for around 1 year. The first time she brought him home to meet us, we all had dinner together, chatted a bit and then they went to her bedroom to watch TV. The next day my husband commented that he wasn’t comfortable with them being in her bedroom and insisted that next time he came over that they were only to sit in the living room. I told him he was being ridiculous but he’s very stubborn and refuses to back down on this. I’ve touched on the idea that if he’s uncomfortable with it then it’s something he needs to work on and not penalise them for. He doesn’t accept this. She’s had her boyfriend over a few more times, usually weekly, since then and they’ve always sat in the living room. For information, my husband doesn’t sit with them, in fact he barely talks to them, he goes upstairs and watches TV in our bedroom. Am I being too laid back about this? I was allowed to have my boyfriend in my bedroom at this age, as were my sisters. In fact, on talking to his mum, he was also allowed to have his girlfiends in his room at the same age. What’s everyone’s thoughts?

Who or what does he think he’s protecting her from, in this putative scenario.

But let’s not forget - he hasn’t said that’s his motivation. He has said his motivation is about “being uncomfortable” in his own home.
That rather suggests to me that his preference is for her to be sexually active outside his knowledge, and outside of his house. (I.e. not really protecting her in reality).

What sort of conversations have happened so far about being sexually active?

But why’s he having so much trouble? It’s really none of his business.

How would he react if she said. “I understand he’s not allowed behind closed doors here, but I’m spending my own money and have booked a hotel room”. How would that go down with him?

@Lostgirl81 but he is controlling and his role as a father isn’t to protect her it was to impart to her the skill set to protect herself.

Having your child grow up is hard, letting them be independent is hard and watching them make their own choices is hard but he has to let go

But it is necessary because he isn’t respecting the adult that she now is one perfectly able and capable of making choices

She thinks it’s a bit weird as her boyfriend’s parents allow her in his room and to stay over. I have had the conversation with her and I know she’s having sex, at his house.

He’s not bothered as long as it’s not in her bedroom. He knows she’s stays overnight at her boyfriend’s parents house.

At what point did op say he storms upstairs. Or is angry or furious 😆.
You are really making stuff up at this point.
Its probably more the case he wants to watch something they dont.
My dh often sits in a different room to our teens . He likes documentarys they dont...its that simple.
Plus he is giving them space to socialise without him being in the way. I bet thats exactly what they want. Why would a 18 year old want her dad siting with her and her boyfriend. Or making awkward chit chat.
Have you met a teenager recently ?

Can you see that it is then definitely not about protecting her? How can you not see that?

It isn’t about protecting her. It’s about controlling her in “his house” and putting what he wants and needs ahead of logic or normalcy or his daughter’s comfort. She’d be safer at home with him than out elsewhere! How can you make up excuses for him and say he wants to protect her when it is so blatantly clear that protection is not his motivation.

You need to open your eyes to the man you’ve married.

Sorry haven’t rtft: “my daughter”, “my husband”. Is he not her dad?

Then that is weird and he does need to really work out what his discomfort is because this isn’t protection it is at best control

What does your daughter think of her step dad's reaction? I'd be concerned she isn't being modelled a great relationship and view of men. It absolutely isn't protecting her if she now feels comfortable and that its "normal" for men to not listen to women's thoughts feelings and wants. But to put their foot down and its a easier life to to just go along with want they want. Their comfort is the most important thing.

Would he feel the same if it was his son?

The whole him going off to watch football away from everyone suggests he already makes the environment uncomfortable for everyone. Does he have a good relationship with the boyfriend?

It hasn’t arisen yet. If she has sex anywhere I would rather she did it in her own bed and en-suite next door.

My rules would be: keep the noise down, no baths together in the family bathroom (younger sibling) use the pill and condoms (or double up on contraception we’ve encourage her to think about his responsibility and not putting it all on her, and diseases). Both dressed when they come down.

Oh, stepdad.
Well that’s not on, is it? It’s your decision, OP.

I think the fact it makes him uncomfortable is really his issue and something you need to challenge and explore why. It does feel a bit controlling and I think if daughter finds it odd then it is important to get him to see this is more his issue then hers. I think the whole “in his house” issue does sounds a bit patriarchal. I mean it is her home too right? No one wants to feel like their sexuality is shameful and I would feel like that is the message being sent. Or perhaps that the expectation is I stay a ‘little girl’ in the presence of my own home/father. Listen, bottom line is, we all reflect on what our parents do and say. How do you want her to look back on this?

Why would he have a problem with her growing up? It's already happened and it's not exactly unusual!

God. She’s 18. If you want to push her out and away you’ll do it.
I'm not saying allow them to shag on the sofa whilst your making them a cup of tea.
they need to be respectful of everyone around them. She is an adult now and not being treated as one.

Yeah I get what you are saying but that is completely the other way for his position and there isn’t really compromise. I struggle with an adult in their own space (your point) in a house you own and your rules. Can’t have it both ways. And it’s tricky because it’s between being a kid and being independant. If the OH wants those rules then that’s fine - his house (with OP) and parent rules which they have to agree on. If not the kid can choose to live elsewhere. Yeah that’s extreme but I mean it more for the point that it isnt really their decision. I think no one allowed in room is extreme but open doors is a good compromise for example.

I know. It's something I'll really have to think about and work on before my own DC grow up. I have no way to view this issue from a distance.
But yep, no boyfriends in the house (in the late 90s/early 2000s)
Even as an adult (mid 20s)

I am actually a bit surprised by the answers on this thread.
When I was 18 (not that long ago), I definitely wasn’t allowed a boyfriend to stay over. I had a “long term” relationship of 2 years at that age, and we were allowed in each other’s bedrooms but with the doors open at all times (in both mine and his house). No sleepovers. And this actually was the norm in my friendship group- I couldn’t tell you any of us that had boyfriends/ girlfriends stay over until we left home!! I’ve just asked my partner as well, and he said it was the same in his house for him and his two siblings. 🤷‍♀️

Agree 100%

Why is everyone of this opinion when it’s a step dad? Do their views not matter? He’s brought her up since she was 6.

Maybe read my reply to this before agreeing 100% !

Really?
Our kids are 30 and 22. Youngest lives at home until this week when we move and he goes into his very own house (excited!)
He hasn’t actually asked if a partner could stay over but we would have no problem with that whatsoever. His big sister left home very young but came back to stay with her partner regularly from about 18 and again, no problem.

Why on earth would parents infantilise their adult children like that?

I read your reply and I still agree 100%.

I’m not talking about sleepovers just spending time in the bedroom with her. My husband doesn’t even want him in the bedroom watching TV, listening to music for a few hours while he’s at our house.