Husband grabbed my daughter so hard he popped blood vessels in her arm

[Jhzf]

My daughter (4) has been a little testing at times when being told no or if she is wanting attention after we have asked her to wait. She sometimes deliberately prods her dad in the private area to provoke a reaction.
Her dad has a short fuse and loses his temper easily. He is usually full of empty threats saying things like ‘I dare you’ or ‘Do it again and you’ll know about it’ but tonight he flipped and grabbed her, hard. She has popped blood vessels covering her upper arm.
I am a zero violence mum. He knows this. And this is not the first time he has hurt her in anger when she isn’t listening. I’ve spoken to him about it but honestly its like telling a child off! He says ‘yeh but she did …’ its pathetic. I’ve explicitly said ‘you want her to stop
hitting but then hit her?! What is that teaching her?!’ And he just strops off defensively.
Seriously questioning our relationship. The stress and exhausting of defusing arguments and teaching him how to parent is weighing me down. We also have 2nd daughter who is 18 months who he tells to shut up a lot too. But then of course at other times he is a fab dad and they dote on him! I’m just so conflicted and furious about his reactions today. Thoughts? Suggestions? Advice? (Photo of daughters arm attached)

Sorry. You have to get her away from him. Have you got somewhere to go?

He sounds a real delight. Physically assaulted your child and you're conflicted on how you feel? Ok...

The empty threats alone are a disgrace. You need to remove him from the home for their safety.

”popped blood vessels”?

you mean he’s grabbed her so hard he’s left an obvious bruise….

Fuck me.
Protect your children and get him out. No child should grow up in that sort of environment.

You have to leave, he’s physically abusing her.

Sorry you’re going through this. If you continue to let your children grow up in this environment they will have severe issues. This is not good for them at all. As a mother please protect them. Seek help, get your partner to get counselling? Move out for a while? Leave him? Anything that will protect your children.

Wow… that’s an absolute no!!
I would worry things could escalate if he blows a fuse that easily! Get him away from your kids.
i know we all find kids very testing at times, I know myself I have been that shouty mum which I really regret, but that’s not a way to manage it.

Telling an 18 month old to shut up?! I honestly wouldn’t have this man anywhere near children. One day he will hit them, hard, will you still be making excuses then?

That is a sickening level of violence towards a 4 year old child.
Why are you tolerating this?
If a teacher did this to her what would you do?
So what if she does irritating things - she is FOUR! Children arent miniature adults, they are reasoning like we do.
If I knew this child or saw that evidence of abuse I would be calling the police.

You cannot stay with a man who is physically injuring a small child. This is when LTB is essential.

why continue to be complicit in her abuse if you are a ‘zero violence mum?’

You know she’s being abused and you are staying with him. You’re an abuser by proxy.

What does a 'popped blood vessels' look like?

Any physical chastisement that leaves a visible mark is significant harm to social services. If you allow that to happen/continue you are equally as culpable of not keeping your child safe.

He's bruised your child today and has hit her in the past? Hit her? That's illegal. You must know this. Maybe she can be irritating but she's four years old. She doesn't have the skills of reasoning and isn't able to fully grasp consequences.

You need to leave, for the sake of her and your other child.

And please stop calling him a 'fab dad' - he's abusive, violent and disgraceful. He hits children and tells babies to 'shut up'. He's a monster.

If she's at nursery (if not, when she starts school) and tells someone this when they notice her bruises, you're going to have a safe guarding report made against you BOTH.

You need to leave him. This is child abuse.

And this is not the first time he has hurt her in anger when she isn’t listening

What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Doing. Putting. Your. Child. Through. This.

Would you stay with him if he badly bruised your arm? Does he physically assault you too or does he only abuse small defenceless children?

Conflicted isn’t bloody good enough. You should be apoplectic about this. And Jesus Christ, he is not a “good dad”.

I think you call the police

You have an obligation to protect your children from harm. I say this as a former social worker. We have had to remove children from homes where the mums were complicit in the violence the fathers/stepfathers subjected the children to. Complicit in the sense that they stayed with these men besides warnings that this put their children in danger.
Consider yourself warned.

He assaulted her. This is physical abuse. This is a criminal offence. This is destroying her childhood. You need to protect your vulnerable daughter. Either you need to get her out of there. Or you need to get him out of there. As he is actually the father, I would strongly recommend involving police and social services, to get the extent of the abuse on record, and thus have the best chance of avoiding him having unsupervised access any time soon.

This happened to somebody I knew, though the kid was a bit older and told a teacher at schools the next day. Kid was put into foster care as they said they didn’t want to go home. Younger siblings were allowed to stay with mum (but was touch and go at first) on the understanding she immediately kicked her partner out and finished the relationship. Kids were allowed put on at risk register as it was felt that mum hadn’t safeguarded her child as she hadn’t reported it. She had over 18 months of frequent social worker visits.

You need to report this and end the relationship.

Got to be a wind up…surely?

Just in case it’s not, ring the police. Obviously

Agreed.

Your poor little DD. It's horrible to read, it must have been horrible to be her and have her parent treat her that way.
Also you poor little 18 month old child being told to shut up.

He will only get worse.

Shocking.
I am 51 but as a child out Dad did this and he got worse and worse.
We used to dread him having a day off work.
We cut ties with him as soon as we turned adult but came back in contact as he is 80.
He behaved him self for a good few years but sadly it wasn't to last , he showed his true colours again and that's it .
No more.
A teacher at school / nursery will definitely report this.
Don't protect him.
Telling a young child to shut up, just leads to the children using that kind of language towards others and then people will wander where it has come from and they may think that it comes from you.
Don't let it go.
What does the arm look like ? Can you go to the police station?

They don't "dote on him" - they live in fear of displeasing him, and do anything they can to keep him happy