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Original poster

Husband grabbed my daughter so hard he popped blood vessels in her arm

130 replies

Jhzf · 15/08/2025 19:40

My daughter (4) has been a little testing at times when being told no or if she is wanting attention after we have asked her to wait. She sometimes deliberately prods her dad in the private area to provoke a reaction.
Her dad has a short fuse and loses his temper easily. He is usually full of empty threats saying things like ‘I dare you’ or ‘Do it again and you’ll know about it’ but tonight he flipped and grabbed her, hard. She has popped blood vessels covering her upper arm.
I am a zero violence mum. He knows this. And this is not the first time he has hurt her in anger when she isn’t listening. I’ve spoken to him about it but honestly its like telling a child off! He says ‘yeh but she did …’ its pathetic. I’ve explicitly said ‘you want her to stop
hitting but then hit her?! What is that teaching her?!’ And he just strops off defensively.
Seriously questioning our relationship. The stress and exhausting of defusing arguments and teaching him how to parent is weighing me down. We also have 2nd daughter who is 18 months who he tells to shut up a lot too. But then of course at other times he is a fab dad and they dote on him! I’m just so conflicted and furious about his reactions today. Thoughts? Suggestions? Advice? (Photo of daughters arm attached)

OP posts:
notanothersummercold · 15/08/2025 20:48

Stop enabling him and kick him the fuck out.

Merryoldgoat · 15/08/2025 20:53

You know you need to leave him. However I’d seek advice because you don’t want to end up having to split custody with him. Maybe talk to your GP as a starting point?

lifeonmars100 · 15/08/2025 20:54

This is really horrible to read, they must be truly scared of him and his temper. I am willing to bet he doesn't spend much time with them and have to cope with the day to day efforts of caring for children. So if he is losing his rag with them even after a limited amount of time with them I truly dread to think what he would be like if he spent a lot of time "caring" for them.

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 15/08/2025 20:56

Fawn is a protective mechanism that frightened traumatised individuals including children utilise to protect themself to placate abuser. They don’t dote they fawn to minimise his unpredictable behaviour

SuchiRolls · 15/08/2025 20:56

Unacceptable. Period. If this was a friend telling you this you know you’d tell them to get them away from their dad. You need to report to the police. Do you know how many parents have killed their children in a snap moment out of temper? Many….way too many. He is giving you warnings signs. Believe them.

Frankenpug23 · 15/08/2025 20:56

This is a serious safeguarding issue, he has injured a 4 yo because he cannot control his temper. Whats going to happen when she is 14 and is absolutely going to be pushing boundaries! How will that be for her??

You say you are zero tolerance, but you are not, he has hurt her before. Do you really need to be told to leave him before he hurts her again???

He is not a great Dad he physically abuses his kids - they don’t dote on him, take it from me they are probably struggling to understand how to live with such a nasty man.

Please protect your kids, talk to social services and get your D’s arm looked at - it may be more than a blood vessel. I hope to god somebody refers this to safeguarding - you and your kids need protecting before he does something really awful.

Zippidydoodah · 15/08/2025 20:56

Merryoldgoat · 15/08/2025 20:53

You know you need to leave him. However I’d seek advice because you don’t want to end up having to split custody with him. Maybe talk to your GP as a starting point?

If you go to the GP, there will 100% be an inter agency referral form filled in, which will lead to investigation by children’s services.

That’s one way of getting rid of him, and also might mean that you don’t have to worry about him getting custody (hopefully).

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 15/08/2025 20:58

Merryoldgoat · 15/08/2025 20:53

You know you need to leave him. However I’d seek advice because you don’t want to end up having to split custody with him. Maybe talk to your GP as a starting point?

GP obliged to report safeguarding to the local authority. That’s a statutory duty. There won’t be any chats

TheLivelyViper · 15/08/2025 20:58

Get things together to leave, whether that's getting in contact with a family solicitor so you know what you need to do. SS may care as the children are younger so cannot resist, but I'm guessing he'd just spoken to and they'd recommend you leaving but wouldn't follow up more with him. However if you stayed and they found out they may supervise you more, he shouldn't have a short fuse with toddlers, he can warn them but not like that at all.

Wtafdidido · 15/08/2025 20:59

He physically assaulted your child and if it were reported to the police he would be in deep shit and you would have social service k picking at your door. You need to protect your children as as they get bigger and older and can speak up and answer back the violence will get worse

Merryoldgoat · 15/08/2025 20:59

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 15/08/2025 20:58

GP obliged to report safeguarding to the local authority. That’s a statutory duty. There won’t be any chats

Show quote history

That’s a good thing surely? I meant talk to the GP for help and if that’s what they have to do then great.

NoKnickerElastic · 15/08/2025 21:00

It's my first ever LTB.

PulchritudinousLycanthrope · 15/08/2025 21:02

Get your 4yo away from him and I imagine her behaviour will improve.

Over40Overdating · 15/08/2025 21:02

The excuses for abusive men never end.

He is not a fab dad ‘at other times’ - I.e the times he isn’t physically abusing a 4 year old and verbally abusing an 18 month old.

Excusing his violence with ‘but they dote on him’ is pathetic. They are children. They are programmed to love their carers, even if they are abusive.

You are not a zero violence mum @Jhzf you are a violent abuser enabler. You clearly aren’t afraid of him as you tell him off, so what is your excuse for allowing him to continue the abuse of your children. It’s a shame it’s still school hols as a teacher seeing this bruise and finding out it was inflicted by her dad would trigger the social services involvement you need to get your shit together to save your children.

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 15/08/2025 21:03

Merryoldgoat · 15/08/2025 20:59

That’s a good thing surely? I meant talk to the GP for help and if that’s what they have to do then great.

Show quote history

Yes it a statutory duty, as we know safeguarding a child is everyone business

Absolutely agree with this
after well publicised serious case review and interagency shortcomings professionals need to act in best interest of child

byathread20 · 15/08/2025 21:04

As a now 30 something who grew up with a physically, verbally and emotionally abusive father from birth, please please get this person away from your children. I was subjected to this abuse, as were my mother and brother until she was brave enough to make him leave when I was 16 but the damage was done. I have had over a decade of significant mental health problems and I am currently being treated for CPTSD. I now work in children’s safeguarding and you have a real opportunity to stop this impacting your children any further. If you believe he will get better, I can assure you it will only get worse. If you are not feeling in a position to leave him, you need to seek some support and at the very minimum, get your children out of that house.

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 15/08/2025 21:05

byathread20 · 15/08/2025 21:04

As a now 30 something who grew up with a physically, verbally and emotionally abusive father from birth, please please get this person away from your children. I was subjected to this abuse, as were my mother and brother until she was brave enough to make him leave when I was 16 but the damage was done. I have had over a decade of significant mental health problems and I am currently being treated for CPTSD. I now work in children’s safeguarding and you have a real opportunity to stop this impacting your children any further. If you believe he will get better, I can assure you it will only get worse. If you are not feeling in a position to leave him, you need to seek some support and at the very minimum, get your children out of that house.

Sensitive and accurate post

TheLivelyViper · 15/08/2025 21:05

DurinsBane · 15/08/2025 20:40

Leaving any mark on a child is illegal in the the whole of the UK. As it should be. But a gentle smack, ie on the backside, that doesn’t leave a mark thankfully isn’t illegal yet in England and NI

Edited
Show quote history

Yes but just because it's illegal it doesn't mean they'll be any sort of charge, because OP's children are so young they'll likely remove him at least temporarily, depending on OP's actions as well but over time despite leaving a bruise, especially if it's gone and there's not strong proof he won't be charge and may be allowed supervised visits and over time SS will say the risk is lower. This is more on OP than relying on the weak enforcement of such laws, she needs to leave and get her stuff together to legally leave and keep assests etc.

Robin67 · 15/08/2025 21:05

The three of you need to leave him as soon as it is safe and otherwise practical to do so

BatchCookBabe · 15/08/2025 21:05

@byathread20 That's horrible. 😢 I'm so sorry. Flowers

Ikeameatballs · 15/08/2025 21:08

OP, “fab dads” do not injure their children either deliberately or in anger.

Call the Police, your Health Visitor, your GP, take your children to A&E, call Children’s Services, tell their nursery. Do something this evening to protect them because otherwise you are complicit in their abuse and when it is discovered, as it will be, by a professional then you will be seen as a perpetrator and not a protector and there is a risk you will lose your children.

Ask yourself this:

Do you want to allow the abuse of your children whilst also risking that you lose custody of them?

I really hope that you listen to the collective voice on this thread hard as that might be to hear and act upon.

mkwar · 15/08/2025 21:08

I’m sorry but get rid of him asap, I would never accept that from my husband or anybody my child and their safety is top priority. He needs some serious help to act that way towards a child. I would cut anybody off in a heartbeat for that regardless if it was their father or not it’s unacceptable x

Spookyspaghetti · 15/08/2025 21:08

Overthebow · 15/08/2025 19:43

You have to leave, he’s physically abusing her.

If you don’t want to stop the violence against your DDs (you should) solely because it is the right thing to do then remember that you can be convicted for not protecting your children. This seems a lot more common now. It’s really not enough to not take part in the physical violence. You are complicit.

SarcasticMrsKnowItAll · 15/08/2025 21:11

Hi Jhzf
Child protection manager here (social worker). This would be considered significant harm from physical abuse. I can see you know this is not OK. As her parent, who loves her and knows this is not OK, you need to protect her. You need to reach out for help and accept the guidance you are given and the consequences, which could be far reaching, or you need to leave and remove your children from this situation. If you asked for support you would need to accept that children's services would do an investigation, they may involve the police (as it is illegal to leave marks on a child) and if your partner was not removed from the home (which is a likely scenario) then you would be required to supervise him at all the times whilst he undertakes work around his anger and parenting.
You must keep yoir children safe, this cannot happen again. Children who grow up with this type of triggered anger and physical abuse learn to be hypervigilant, they can struggle to learn and it can hugely impact their adult relationships.

SomewhatDissatisfied · 15/08/2025 21:11

Is not one single person going to say a word about a 4 year old prodding her fathers genitals to get a reaction? I’m guessing you’d all find it perfectly ok for a little boy to poke his mother’s vagina to get a reaction?