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Original poster

Husband grabbed my daughter so hard he popped blood vessels in her arm

130 replies

Jhzf · 15/08/2025 19:40

My daughter (4) has been a little testing at times when being told no or if she is wanting attention after we have asked her to wait. She sometimes deliberately prods her dad in the private area to provoke a reaction.
Her dad has a short fuse and loses his temper easily. He is usually full of empty threats saying things like ‘I dare you’ or ‘Do it again and you’ll know about it’ but tonight he flipped and grabbed her, hard. She has popped blood vessels covering her upper arm.
I am a zero violence mum. He knows this. And this is not the first time he has hurt her in anger when she isn’t listening. I’ve spoken to him about it but honestly its like telling a child off! He says ‘yeh but she did …’ its pathetic. I’ve explicitly said ‘you want her to stop
hitting but then hit her?! What is that teaching her?!’ And he just strops off defensively.
Seriously questioning our relationship. The stress and exhausting of defusing arguments and teaching him how to parent is weighing me down. We also have 2nd daughter who is 18 months who he tells to shut up a lot too. But then of course at other times he is a fab dad and they dote on him! I’m just so conflicted and furious about his reactions today. Thoughts? Suggestions? Advice? (Photo of daughters arm attached)

OP posts:
Longnightmoon · 15/08/2025 19:59

CurlewKate · 15/08/2025 19:41

Sorry. You have to get her away from him. Have you got somewhere to go?

The OP shouldn't be leaving, the father should. Call the police and ask them to remove him from the family home

Ilovemychocolate · 15/08/2025 20:00

Christ alive.
Why are you posting this?
Why aren’t you on the phone to the police?
YOU ARE HER MUM!
For gods sake protect your children!

Hotflushesandchilblains · 15/08/2025 20:01

I worked with a lot of parents at one stage and met a lot of dads like this. My reply would be that they were supposed to be the grown up and that meant not reacting but making considered choices when trying to shape their childs behaviour. No one is perfect, for sure. And it sounds like what she is doing is painful. But telling a baby to shut up is really not a good sign.

dontcryformeargentina · 15/08/2025 20:03

” Fab dad” who can’t control his temper and hurts his children. By staying with him, you are complicit in child abuse.

CurlewKate · 15/08/2025 20:03

Longnightmoon · 15/08/2025 19:59

The OP shouldn't be leaving, the father should. Call the police and ask them to remove him from the family home

Show quote history

I agree. But I very much doubt she will call the police and the child needs to be safe. Which she isn’t.

Aimtodobetter · 15/08/2025 20:05

If there is obvious physical damage caused by an interaction of his made in anger then he is physically abusive to your 4 year old and you're allowing it to happen. Report him to the police / get social services involved yourself before a later incident results in both of you losing custody of your children.

Starlight7080 · 15/08/2025 20:06

In 20 plus years my dh has not put one finger on our children in a aggressive manner. And if he did he would have one very angry mum to deal with . And be out of our house so quick. I would also tell social services and make sure if he did get to see the children it would be supervised.
You need to step up and protect them .
He is not a good dad.

Lafufufu · 15/08/2025 20:09

None of this is okay.. but you.know that.

He should be ashamed. The arm is the culmination but everything before that is NOT okay and I would not tolerate that from my husband.
My.would need to leave our house tonight and I'd be clear i was more than happy to phone the police show them my childs arm and have them removed him if he refused.

Absolure best case... this is a wake up call and he needs anger management classes / therapy and couples therapy to learn to parent together stop being an abusive arsehole.
Ideally you file a report with the police and divorce him.

Either way I would report to police and SS he will only escalate his abuse of your child otherwise.

Driftingawaynow · 15/08/2025 20:10

arcticpandas · 15/08/2025 19:51

You have an obligation to protect your children from harm. I say this as a former social worker. We have had to remove children from homes where the mums were complicit in the violence the fathers/stepfathers subjected the children to. Complicit in the sense that they stayed with these men besides warnings that this put their children in danger.
Consider yourself warned.

I really want you to be able to reassure me on this, but having spent 10 years in family court proceedings….are you absolutely sure that a family court judge won’t order 50-50 contact? Because in my experience op has got a horrible choice in front of her which is stay and be there to offer some kind of protection, or split up with him, and have to send the kids on their own.
I don’t believe a judge will order / CAFCASS recommend anything more than that temporary contact via a contact centre working quickly towards normal unsupervised contact

Limehawkmoth · 15/08/2025 20:15

Arlanymor · 15/08/2025 19:48

He's bruised your child today and has hit her in the past? Hit her? That's illegal. You must know this. Maybe she can be irritating but she's four years old. She doesn't have the skills of reasoning and isn't able to fully grasp consequences.

You need to leave, for the sake of her and your other child.

And please stop calling him a 'fab dad' - he's abusive, violent and disgraceful. He hits children and tells babies to 'shut up'. He's a monster.

Edited

just to clarify law point….In Scotland smacking is illegal. Not yet in uk…it will depend on whether he could possibly claim it was “reasonable” given he “grabbed” her…op didn’t say he’d hit her or smacked her.

“ It is unlawful for a parent or carer to smack their child, except where this amounts to ‘reasonable punishment’. This defence is laid down in Section 58 Children Act 2004, but it is not defined in this legislation.
Whether a ‘smack’ amounts to reasonable punishment will depend on the circumstances of each case, taking into consideration factors like the age of the child and the nature of the smack.
There are strict guidelines covering the use of reasonable punishment and it will not be possible to rely on the defence if you use severe physical punishment on your child which amounts to wounding, actual bodily harm, grievous bodily harm or child cruelty.
Smacking was banned in Scotland in 2020 and was followed in Wales in 2022, prompting renewed calls for the UK government to outlaw the practice in England and Northern Ireland.”

Children Act 2004

An Act to make provision for the establishment of a Children’s Commissioner; to make provision about services provided to and for children and young people by local authorities and other persons; to make provision in relation to Wales about advisory an...

http://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2004/31/section/58

LemonCatsHat · 15/08/2025 20:15

So he has abused your small child. What you do next will tell your children what is and isn’t acceptable. If you leave him for violent behaviour and stand by your ‘zero tolerance’ you will show them that they do not have to be abused in life. If you stay and shrug it off, what are you telling them then?

He physically assaulted your child. You shouldn’t be conflicted, he should have packed his bags ages ago.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/08/2025 20:16

Op I can imagine these responses are pretty brutal and difficult to read but they are right. He is physically assaulting your small child (this is not the first time) and you are allowing it to happen. You need to wake up to what’s happening and put a stop to it, because your little daughter can’t.

arcticpandas · 15/08/2025 20:16

Driftingawaynow · 15/08/2025 20:10

I really want you to be able to reassure me on this, but having spent 10 years in family court proceedings….are you absolutely sure that a family court judge won’t order 50-50 contact? Because in my experience op has got a horrible choice in front of her which is stay and be there to offer some kind of protection, or split up with him, and have to send the kids on their own.
I don’t believe a judge will order / CAFCASS recommend anything more than that temporary contact via a contact centre working quickly towards normal unsupervised contact

Edited
Show quote history

The first step would be for OP to contact police and SS so that it is put on records that:

  1. The father is abusive to his child.
  2. She is not complicit and will take steps to protect her child working with SS.
AnotherDayanotherNameChangeX · 15/08/2025 20:17

@Driftingawaynow you are absolutely spot on there! Speaking from personal experience

TheWatersofMarch · 15/08/2025 20:17

I’m sorry you and the children are going through this.
It’s a criminal offence to bruise children. If you don’t protect your children this is akin to colluding and your ability to parent safely could be questioned.
Four year olds are learning - not doing as they’re told, not being able to wait is totally normal. It’s what they do.
If he was saying he knows he’s wrong, is utterly contrite, is willing to do anything to address this including not having sole charge/moving out until he has worked on his anger then that would be something to work for.
But instead he blames your daughter and thinks he’s justified. He doesn’t think he’s the problem. He thinks she is.
The fact that your daughter pokes his genitals to get a reaction is itself I think a red flag.
Do you have someone in real life to talk to? Can you get someone to look after the children while you ring NSPCC or Children’s Social Care to work out what to do next?
In terms of what to do in the immediate short term, please don’t leave him with the children.
I think if you do nothing or try and manage it just within the family this will only get worse.

Lafufufu · 15/08/2025 20:17

Also to be REALLY clear....they do not dote on him

They are insecurely attached due to his temper and abuse.
While it may seem counterintuitive, children may develop attachment bonds with abusive caregivers due to a need for survival, a lack of alternative support systems, or a distorted perception of love and safety. They often "prefer" their abuser.

TulipLavender · 15/08/2025 20:18

LittleHangleton · 15/08/2025 19:47

What does a 'popped blood vessels' look like?

Any physical chastisement that leaves a visible mark is significant harm to social services. If you allow that to happen/continue you are equally as culpable of not keeping your child safe.

This!
You have to leave. You have no choice. You should protect your DD.
If you stay and allow it, it could (and potentially should) lead to custody being taken from both of you.

Trovindia · 15/08/2025 20:20

OP you need to call your health visitor and tell them what's happening. Your husband is abusing your children. You need help navigating this. As others have said, if you do nothing and school pick up on it then you will likely have the children removed from you because you aren't protecting them.

I know this is hard but you posted because you know it's not right. Please reach out to your health visitor and they will support you.

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/08/2025 20:21

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2025 19:50

And this is not the first time he has hurt her in anger when she isn’t listening

What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Doing. Putting. Your. Child. Through. This.

Would you stay with him if he badly bruised your arm? Does he physically assault you too or does he only abuse small defenceless children?

Conflicted isn’t bloody good enough. You should be apoplectic about this. And Jesus Christ, he is not a “good dad”.

This. Op, read these posts back if you really need to but you shouldn’t need to. Hopefully you have got it loud and clear. He is an abuser. If you stay, you are complicit in his violence and you too are an abuser. Get your children away from him.

Hairyfairy01 · 15/08/2025 20:21

You are not a zero violence mum. Far from it. You need to put your children first here and protect them, physically and emotionally.

Mrsttcno1 · 15/08/2025 20:21

The best time to leave was the FIRST time he abused a child, the second best time is right now.

Arlanymor · 15/08/2025 20:22

Limehawkmoth · 15/08/2025 20:15

just to clarify law point….In Scotland smacking is illegal. Not yet in uk…it will depend on whether he could possibly claim it was “reasonable” given he “grabbed” her…op didn’t say he’d hit her or smacked her.

“ It is unlawful for a parent or carer to smack their child, except where this amounts to ‘reasonable punishment’. This defence is laid down in Section 58 Children Act 2004, but it is not defined in this legislation.
Whether a ‘smack’ amounts to reasonable punishment will depend on the circumstances of each case, taking into consideration factors like the age of the child and the nature of the smack.
There are strict guidelines covering the use of reasonable punishment and it will not be possible to rely on the defence if you use severe physical punishment on your child which amounts to wounding, actual bodily harm, grievous bodily harm or child cruelty.
Smacking was banned in Scotland in 2020 and was followed in Wales in 2022, prompting renewed calls for the UK government to outlaw the practice in England and Northern Ireland.”

Show quote history

Erm that's not accurate, I know it's illegal in Scotland, but it's also illegal in Wales (as of March 2022).

She did mention hitting in her original post which is why I referenced it - although the grammar was a bit confusing - hitting was definitely referenced.

Anyway, grabbing a child so as to cause bruising could be considered physical punishment, which absolutely makes it illegal where I live: www.gov.wales/law-physical-punishment-wales

MissMoneyFairy · 15/08/2025 20:23

Poor girl. When are you kicking him out

Driftingawaynow · 15/08/2025 20:24

arcticpandas · 15/08/2025 20:16

The first step would be for OP to contact police and SS so that it is put on records that:

  1. The father is abusive to his child.
  2. She is not complicit and will take steps to protect her child working with SS.
Show quote history

Yeah, and don’t get me wrong, I wish children could be protected from dads like this, but in my experience social workers often don’t realise just how deeply fucked up private law is, I’ve had social workers and GP tell me not to send my child to contact only to have a judge threaten to change primary residence in the father’s favour if I don’t allow access to dad. It’s a meat grinder. So I guess my question stands, if dad is leaving marks on children of this age, in your professional opinion is that enough to have contact supervised long-term? Because I don’t think it is, and I think the kids would be more in danger without Mum being there. And actually, if he is aware she’s going to social services all the police, then the danger to all of them also increases. It’s a fucking shit show. I am hopeful that you will say yes, Cafcass won’t allow unsupervised access after this. But I’m worried you won’t

allmycats · 15/08/2025 20:27

Why on earth do so many women put men first above their children? I am going to be very harsh and say that you are almost as bad as him because you are letting this happen by being with him. The very first time he hurt a child should have been the last day he spent any time with them. Report him to the police and ask that they prosecute him and remove him from the family home.