Husband grabbed my daughter so hard he popped blood vessels in her arm

[Jhzf]

My daughter (4) has been a little testing at times when being told no or if she is wanting attention after we have asked her to wait. She sometimes deliberately prods her dad in the private area to provoke a reaction.
Her dad has a short fuse and loses his temper easily. He is usually full of empty threats saying things like ‘I dare you’ or ‘Do it again and you’ll know about it’ but tonight he flipped and grabbed her, hard. She has popped blood vessels covering her upper arm.
I am a zero violence mum. He knows this. And this is not the first time he has hurt her in anger when she isn’t listening. I’ve spoken to him about it but honestly its like telling a child off! He says ‘yeh but she did …’ its pathetic. I’ve explicitly said ‘you want her to stop
hitting but then hit her?! What is that teaching her?!’ And he just strops off defensively.
Seriously questioning our relationship. The stress and exhausting of defusing arguments and teaching him how to parent is weighing me down. We also have 2nd daughter who is 18 months who he tells to shut up a lot too. But then of course at other times he is a fab dad and they dote on him! I’m just so conflicted and furious about his reactions today. Thoughts? Suggestions? Advice? (Photo of daughters arm attached)

He has assaulted your child. As her parent you have a responsibility to keep her safe. You contact the police now - 999 - and you make plans to leave immediately and do not allow any unsupervised time with him. You get your child checked out by a medical professional in case she is injured more than what you know. Contact Women’s Aid. Is there anywhere you can go - family/friends? Anything less is failing to protect your child. Do not allow him an opportunity for this to happen again.

Stop the whatabouttery. He’s an adult who assaulted a child and exerts a dominant force in the household.
Don’t attempt to shift blame to a toddler
Apportion responsibility to the violent man

@SomewhatDissatisfiedRTFT.

posting pre-photo. Either take her to see a doctor somewhere asap, where ever you can get her seen, or call the police. Honestly I would probably go with the doctor because that will trigger investigations anyway and show you are following up on safety. She may be fine, but you need this documented.

It can’t be real, can it? It made me cry. That poor little girl.

Have to agree with this. Learning to keep your abuser happy is one of the most damaging things about growing up with abuse. It becomes deeply ingrained in your personality to be responsible for another person’s moods and to change yourself to suit them. It can lead to unhealthy friendships and relationships as an adult.

I thought I couldn’t love anyone more than my DH till I had my child. From that moment I knew I would do anything to protect her which even if it meant leaving him. Thankfully he has been an amazing dad but I tell u if he was telling my 18 month old to shut up never mind putting hands on my child he would be out the door so fast. NO MAN is worth more than your children’s happiness and security.

@Jhzf if you spoke to the police and social services they would tell him straight that he has committed physical abuse.
They are not emotionally embroiled with him and they won't minimise it, nor hesitate to make sure he understands just how serious this is.
Speak to them and remove the 3 of you from the picture so they can speak to him.

You have absolutely no idea when he might react in a more extreme way and do irreparable everlasting damage, or worse.
Just think of the damage a grown man can do to another adult. Your poor wee children are tiny compared to him.
He's already doing emotional damage that your kids may carry with them forever.

The children don’t dote,they Fawn. This is a protective mechanism that frightened traumatised individuals including children utilise to protect themself to placate abuser. They don’t dote they fawn to minimise his unpredictable behaviour

It is too bad and he will lose his kids if you decide to report him which you are entitled to do. I don't like men saying to babies to shut up. I have heard men in car parks here in this country telling a baby: fuck off, why are you crying....

and I don't get it. In my country the men might be old fashioned and loved to be dominant but they love tenderly our kids and protect us and the kids. Some bad apples of course but the west is in huge moral decline. I know the MNers absolutely hate the word moral and morals but for me morals have not just disappeared out of existence just because the west wants to live immorally

Now’s not the time for you to divert from a legitimate topic to a rant about morality in the west
read the room, don’t digress for your own agenda

You learn to read the room, darling, IN A MORAL WAY, I AM FREE TO POST WHAT I WANT.

@CoffeeLipstickKeysI thought you were missing @SomewhatDissatisfied’s point. On re-reading I’m not sure.

oh go on, use capitals to emphasise how you’re trying to divert a legitimate topic to your own rant about western morals. You’ll surely execute a compelling narrative with all those capital letters . You erudite wordsmith

As I said read the room. Stop making this about you @SomewhatDissatisfied

but also to whomever the jealous reply refers to: my advice is spot on and is not an attack on the poster. The fact the west and many people on Mnet hate the word moral and morals only was just confirmed. How can the word morals touch on people's nerves. Your family unit is being destroyed every day, 45 percent of marriages here end in divorces and someone still has the will to tell others to read rooms. You read them as much you want, dear, all day long.

The poster is a moral woman and will protect her children

I am old and solid, well weathered, you have been answered. Trolls do not bother me the least

This is what explosive anger in a parent looks like and it’s just the beginning for him. He won’t suddenly become a calm and patient parent.

The verbal abuse will be every bit as scary and damaging for both your daughters as the physical.

If you stay with him you condone this and he will carry on - and escalate. Staying also shows your children that it’s OK to live like this (and will compromise their ability to have functional adult relationships themselves when they grow up).

Please get some advice and help on getting away from him safely.

You’re trying to be provocative and misdirect a thread. It’s not all about you

Whilst I agree with the majority of responses here, including my own, I hope you are ok OP? Sometimes we get conditioned to think what is ‘normal’ or ‘acceptable’. It can be a shock. Take some time to digest, and hopefully use any support system (family / friends) around you.

Yeah this. 👏If you are having to physically assault a child to discipline them, you have failed as a parent.

What a strange post. Bizarre that you’re talking about the decline of Western morals on this post but on another thread, you’re championing Donald Trump. You may be old and weathered, but clearly age hasn’t brought you wisdom.

Firstly thank you. For taking the time to reply and for reaffirming what I already know. Let me be clear that I absolutely do not condone this AT ALL.
I should have added to the original post that Husband had already been removed from the house.
Secondly, I will be seeking medical advice straight away tomorrow regarding my daughter’s arm. Her safety, and that of all my children, is paramount.
My husband goes away with work for 2 weeks from Monday so I have some time and breathing space to figure things out properly - there is a lot of advice to take in. Thank you

That's fantastic, definitely see the GP or go to an urgent care centre since it's Saturday, they'll get SS involved. I would see a family law solicitor as well, since you are married and how to deal with that aspect and protect yourself, take pictures of your daughter any proof of a bruise will help, even if it's slightly faded, take them now as it can add to evidence, and sometimes when people report later and there's not evidence it's harder because it's already in the home and thus is 'dark crime' we don't always know how to prove it without witnesses etc. You can also call the duty emergency line for SS if you want advice or the NSPCC. You're doing great though and you clearly care.

@TheLivelyViper I took photos straight away. Thank you so much for your support

Walk away… this is a safeguarding issue. Can Mumsnet identify & address it?