Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Husband grabbed my daughter so hard he popped blood vessels in her arm

130 replies

Jhzf · 15/08/2025 19:40

My daughter (4) has been a little testing at times when being told no or if she is wanting attention after we have asked her to wait. She sometimes deliberately prods her dad in the private area to provoke a reaction.
Her dad has a short fuse and loses his temper easily. He is usually full of empty threats saying things like ‘I dare you’ or ‘Do it again and you’ll know about it’ but tonight he flipped and grabbed her, hard. She has popped blood vessels covering her upper arm.
I am a zero violence mum. He knows this. And this is not the first time he has hurt her in anger when she isn’t listening. I’ve spoken to him about it but honestly its like telling a child off! He says ‘yeh but she did …’ its pathetic. I’ve explicitly said ‘you want her to stop
hitting but then hit her?! What is that teaching her?!’ And he just strops off defensively.
Seriously questioning our relationship. The stress and exhausting of defusing arguments and teaching him how to parent is weighing me down. We also have 2nd daughter who is 18 months who he tells to shut up a lot too. But then of course at other times he is a fab dad and they dote on him! I’m just so conflicted and furious about his reactions today. Thoughts? Suggestions? Advice? (Photo of daughters arm attached)

OP posts:
Limehawkmoth · 15/08/2025 20:27

Arlanymor · 15/08/2025 20:22

Erm that's not accurate, I know it's illegal in Scotland, but it's also illegal in Wales (as of March 2022).

She did mention hitting in her original post which is why I referenced it - although the grammar was a bit confusing - hitting was definitely referenced.

Anyway, grabbing a child so as to cause bruising could be considered physical punishment, which absolutely makes it illegal where I live: www.gov.wales/law-physical-punishment-wales

Show quote history

Apologies, recwales. Missed that. Usually legal stuff in wales falls in line with England

and yep, you’re right, I re read again for third time, and did now see where she says “he has to want to stop hitting her”

so yep, in that case you’re right. Even if in England he’s breaking the law. Thanks for pointing that out to me.

BatchCookBabe · 15/08/2025 20:27

He is NOT a 'fab dad!' FGS @Jhzf get away from him. He is abusive and violent. If my DH had laid a finger on our DC in a similar manner - ever - he would never have seen them again!

As a pp said, they don't 'dote on him' they are scared of him!

DirtyBird · 15/08/2025 20:28

Divorce. No questions asked.

BatchCookBabe · 15/08/2025 20:28

Mrsttcno1 · 15/08/2025 20:21

The best time to leave was the FIRST time he abused a child, the second best time is right now.

THIS! ^

Arlanymor · 15/08/2025 20:29

Limehawkmoth · 15/08/2025 20:27

Apologies, recwales. Missed that. Usually legal stuff in wales falls in line with England

and yep, you’re right, I re read again for third time, and did now see where she says “he has to want to stop hitting her”

so yep, in that case you’re right. Even if in England he’s breaking the law. Thanks for pointing that out to me.

Show quote history

Usually it does yes, except where it's a devolved issue, which thankfully this is (and I am very happy about that). No worries at all - good to share info!

Driftingawaynow · 15/08/2025 20:30

OP clearly it’s fucking intolerable and you need to be protective, I have fears about what will happen if you get caught up in the family court system. However @arcticpandas is right that you need to show you are going to proactively work with social services and you have to, have to do what you can to protect them

I would personally try to engineer a situation so it looked like another professional noticed what happened and put you on the spot to explain the marks and they made a referral, meanwhile tell the professional that you’re afraid to make the referral yourself and ask For SS to tell your partner they want to interview you separately. It will give you a bit of wiggle room to work out the best course forward. Keep a diary of his behaviour take photos of any bruises.

Driftingawaynow · 15/08/2025 20:32

BatchCookBabe · 15/08/2025 20:27

He is NOT a 'fab dad!' FGS @Jhzf get away from him. He is abusive and violent. If my DH had laid a finger on our DC in a similar manner - ever - he would never have seen them again!

As a pp said, they don't 'dote on him' they are scared of him!

100% correct. often kids who are abused by her parents seem to fawn over them, they are trying to keep that parent on side

Insanityisnotastrategy · 15/08/2025 20:34

He's harming your children and you're complicit.

RosesAndHellebores · 15/08/2025 20:35

@Jhzf if you drop me your name and address, I shall be very happy to report this to social services.

If you can't compute that this is totally unacceptable and this excuse for a human being needs to leave your home, or you and your children need to leave your home, social service need to institute a care protection plan and seriously consider removing your children.

You are facilitating abuse.

JLou08 · 15/08/2025 20:36

If a 4 year olds behaviour results in him physically harming her I dread to think what he would do with a teenager answering back and pushing boundaries. You say her behaviour is challenging, I think some of that will be down to his poor parenting- unpredictable, inconsistent,empty threats. Her behaviour will only get worse with that kind of parenting. I think you know what you need to do. Maybe calling the police to report this assault will force you into getting away and staying away from him and will get support for you and DC.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 15/08/2025 20:38

Thoughts?
Mine are leave him so he can't assault your child again.

Zippidydoodah · 15/08/2025 20:38

This is awful. Get those little girls away from him, asap. Like, now.

JustMyView13 · 15/08/2025 20:38

I am a zero violence mum.

What does this even mean when you’re enabling your husband’s behaviour by just sticking around.

Clearly, he is incapable of regulating his emotions. Why would you raise a child in that environment?

Mewling · 15/08/2025 20:38

There’s no way this can be real.

DurinsBane · 15/08/2025 20:40

Limehawkmoth · 15/08/2025 20:15

just to clarify law point….In Scotland smacking is illegal. Not yet in uk…it will depend on whether he could possibly claim it was “reasonable” given he “grabbed” her…op didn’t say he’d hit her or smacked her.

“ It is unlawful for a parent or carer to smack their child, except where this amounts to ‘reasonable punishment’. This defence is laid down in Section 58 Children Act 2004, but it is not defined in this legislation.
Whether a ‘smack’ amounts to reasonable punishment will depend on the circumstances of each case, taking into consideration factors like the age of the child and the nature of the smack.
There are strict guidelines covering the use of reasonable punishment and it will not be possible to rely on the defence if you use severe physical punishment on your child which amounts to wounding, actual bodily harm, grievous bodily harm or child cruelty.
Smacking was banned in Scotland in 2020 and was followed in Wales in 2022, prompting renewed calls for the UK government to outlaw the practice in England and Northern Ireland.”

Show quote history

Leaving any mark on a child is illegal in the the whole of the UK. As it should be. But a gentle smack, ie on the backside, that doesn’t leave a mark thankfully isn’t illegal yet in England and NI

BrotherViolence · 15/08/2025 20:41

DurinsBane · 15/08/2025 20:40

Leaving any mark on a child is illegal in the the whole of the UK. As it should be. But a gentle smack, ie on the backside, that doesn’t leave a mark thankfully isn’t illegal yet in England and NI

Edited
Show quote history

A "gentle smack"? Jesus wept. Let's just not hit kids ever, please, it's completely unnecessary.

CheeseWisely · 15/08/2025 20:42

I’m sorry, you’re ’questioning your relationship’??

Why the hell aren’t you packed up and gone already? He’s physically abusing your defenceless child and you’re standing by and letting him!!

I hope to god someone close to you alerts the police and social services if you’re not going to. If you were my friend or relative I would not hesitate.

Marble10 · 15/08/2025 20:42

I would not be able to control my temper if that was my husband. He sounds miserable and fucking shit. Sounds like he needs a wake up call to what he really has - wife and 2 healthy little girls. Kids ARE testing, even the best of them. He’s the problem.

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 15/08/2025 20:45

Remove yourself and your child
He physically and emotionally abusive it’s a safeguarding issue - this impacts upon child wellbeing and development
Protect your child
take photo the injury
report to police

InDarkModeToday · 15/08/2025 20:45

I am a zero violence mum. He knows this. And this is not the first time he has hurt her in anger

So... no lt zero violence then? You might not be violent yourself but you stand back while he is?

Sounds a bit like my mum.

"I did care. Didn't you notice that I left the room whenever he did it so that I didn't have to see?"

Been completely no contact for nearly 15 years now.

user2848502016 · 15/08/2025 20:45

Leave, your girls can’t be around this.
Also take photos, to help your case when you don’t want unsupervised access in the future

Canonlythinkofthisone · 15/08/2025 20:47

What the fu k have I just read?!

My 3.5 year old drives me batty. Thr thought of either me or my DH physically hurting her makes me sick to my stomach. I'd be kicking his ass to the street and logging a police report so he had ZERO chance of unsupervised access ever again. Not really sure what you're mulling over here.
This is LTB territory if ever I saw it. I'd gladly blow up my family life, to keep my daughter safe.

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 15/08/2025 20:47

DurinsBane · 15/08/2025 20:40

Leaving any mark on a child is illegal in the the whole of the UK. As it should be. But a gentle smack, ie on the backside, that doesn’t leave a mark thankfully isn’t illegal yet in England and NI

Edited
Show quote history

Gentle smack is an oxymoron
It physical chastisement to control behaviour and exert dominance and control
Child won’t experience the chastisement as gentle

Pinepeak2434 · 15/08/2025 20:47

I would never trust him to be alone with the children. If he has anger issues what would happen if he snapped and he went too far? The fact he is saying “I dare you” sends shivers down my spine. The minute he even tried to lay a hand on my child he would have been threatened with a call to the police.

AluckyEllie · 15/08/2025 20:48

Longnightmoon · 15/08/2025 19:58

They don't "dote on him" - they live in fear of displeasing him, and do anything they can to keep him happy

100% this. They tiptoe around him hoping not to anger him and will grow up believing this is how you behave around men. Protect them and leave him. Save them from an adulthood of unhealthy relationships. He tells an 18 month old to shut up? What a bully. I bet he wouldn’t say that to a man his own size.