How old is too old to have a baby - in your mind?

[winegumss]

How old is too old? Have you had a baby over 40 or more and how do you feel? Do others ever comment?

For me it would be at the time of a woman's natural (not premature) menopause.

I imgine that my 'too old' threshold will change as I get older - over 50 is far too old in my opinion at the moment - but with improved health and longevity perhaps my feelings will change?

I found some old homework the over day written when I was 11ish and I had designed a lonely hearts club leaflet - anyway I had age group related magazines for my members and over 30's would be treated to a mag full of 'gardening hints, recipes and sewing tips' - clearly my feelings have changed on this now

35! Thats how old i was when i had DD2, she is 3 in July and i will be 79!!!

I'm 38 and have not had any babies yet. Am trying for my first and am shocked that someone said 36.

My grandmother had my mum (Naturally in 1947) when she was 43.

I haven't chosen to wait either, I was in a bad relationship for a number of years where children were totally out of the question.

I'm 41, have a 17 month old and am pregant again. Tbh I wouldnt ideally have left motherhood this late, but didnt meet dh until well into my thirties and then had fertility issues so this is just the way its turned out.

However, I try to focus on the positive, I have more patience and money (which means I dont have to work full time) now, even though my energy levels are perhaps not what they were!

I suppose I agree with many posters about the cut off being the age of natural menopause, but I reckon having kids in your thirties is the ideal age.

I was thinking about this thread overnight (couldn't sleep!) and it dawned on me that ds1 and dil will be 'older' parents. Dil is 33 soon and not likely to have a baby for at least two more years.

I found your comment interesting, Liliepie, about having a baby and grandchild so close in age. I'm so not ready to be a granny yet lol! For me, I think I'd find it hard to be a grandparent while still having a child myself. Although as ds1 lives half a wolrd away, in the US, I'm not likley to be called upon for sudden babysitting duties or anything, which is a bit .

Solo, thank you for your kind comment - you're very glamourous and your dc gorgeous. Love the bike, too.

Not sure for me... probably late 40s. But would all those who think 40 isn't too old like to gang up on Mr Ellbell for me?

I was thinking about this thread overnight, and spoke to dp this morning about it when he reminded me he will be 44 when this baby(dc4) is due and we have no intention of stopping.

I think for other people the sky´s the limit, do what you like ! Any age you can conceive is great, be it 30, 40 or 50.

For ME, I think that now that I´m 36 I would just feel too old (even if I´m not, technically)to start again. Must add here that I had difficult pregnancies (had to take medication every day with DS2), and PND twice, AND back problems...which all makes me feel older maybe than other women my age.

this thread reminds me of the conversations about sex i used to have as a teenager with my friends

you know

" its so gross, my parents had to do it twice to have me and my brother!"

" even worse, karen's parents must have done it two years ago coz she has a baby brother. thats so disgusting...they must be, like 40 or soemthing"

"imagine having to have sex with a man as old as my dad, he's 50, that makes me puke"

when you are 15, 40 seems over the hill. when you get here, you discover that its not that different from 30 really

TigerFeet, I really think your sister's problems are about your Mum as an individual rather than her age.

My parents were in their twenties when they had their first child and in the early thirties when they had me, but they still took us to the opera and never ever to a pop concert.

Dh, whose Dad was a pensioner by the time he got to secondary school, was much more likely to get taken to modern events.

I was very much into heavy culture when I was younger- opera, museums, Shakespeare- but am becoming more open to a wider range of experiences now I'm growing older. Probably too late for my own children- but I'll offer to take my grandchildren out!

I had DD1 and 41 and DD2 and 43 (again not a life choice on my behalf - how things turned out). To be honest don't think I'm doing anything different to how I would in my early 30s. I 'm very healthy and think I have as much energy I've alway been a bit square so would probably have never been a "trendy mum"! I do worry about dying while they still need me though - both my parents died in their early / mid 60's.

"By KristinaM on Fri 30-May-08 00:14:31
this thread reminds me of the conversations about sex i used to have as a teenager with my friends"

Me too but in a different way

"I am going to wait until I am 21"
"I don't think 15 is too young but I won't do it at 15"
"I won't do it until I meet the one I know I will marry"
"I can't wait"

For a first baby, I think over about 42 is pushing it. For me personally, I don't want to have any past 35. I'm sure most "modern" 42 year olds are perfectly capable of handling a baby, but the idea of being 60 and having an 18 year old stomping about the house would fill me with horror.

That's entirely my view though and not what I think everyone else should do. Except for 45 + who have gone through menopause having IVF. I do think that is a bit wrong.

suedonim I wasn't ready to be a grandmother lol but equally I didn't expect to become a mother again at 42.As I said previously I would love one more but if I don't conceive naturally then I won't be pursuing any other avenues.I feel that my three beautiful children have been a gift and if that is my lot then so be it.

By the way I had my first child at 18 and there are only 16 years between me and my Mum,so that poor woman was a granny at 34!!

She took it with remarkably good grace

I think people should be able to do what they like. People judje me for having DD at 20, however, I don't feel too young and the time was right for me and dh. Although I know alot of people older than me, who would feel to young. It depends on the indervidual and I don't think people should be judged on age alone.

for me personally, not after 30 (partly due to DH being 12yrs older than me, partly as i wanted to be as young and fit as possible having them, partly because i hope to enjoy retirement with no kids still at home- apart from possibly some grandkids, which i can give back!)

for others, i do feel that having a child at any age is a 'selfish' act anyway (ie we have them because WE want them), but having them past mid forties i feel is maybe more so. I'm thinking about higher risk of complications, more chance of parent becoming infirm / dying before child is an adult, possibly child feeling more pressure to continue living at home because parents are becoming infirm as they reach adulthood. (i have a colleague who still lives at home, and feels she can't leave because her parents are getting infirm)

That is an interesting point TattooedGrrrl, I have a friend in that situation too. He is in his late twenties and does not have much of a life as he cares for his elderly and infirm parents in the evenings. This will be controversial, but maybe planning for that situation is even more important for those who are likely to be single parents. The odds of at least one parent remaining healthy for longer are generally higher when there are two of you.

Ideally I would have completed my family before turning 30 but now I am just happy that I am expecting my first at 30.

Most people in their 60s however are not remotely infirm. Infirmity and dependence is much more likely in 'old' old age and varies enormously by wealth and class.

And many people having babies in their 40s will be wealthier and more established in a career than those in their 20s and 30s.

FWIW I think demography is turning back to women having babies younger - and the mean age has never been above 30 I don't think. This is of course affected by the extremes (women in their teens and their 40s...) I suspect the shift back to younger childbearing is something to do with better maternity policies and thus the sense that work and family can be combined.

Upwind - I think it is important for all parents to plan how they expect to be cared for if that need arises. I nursed both my parents (not simultaneiously though!). It was grim (but then life as the wise sage has it, 'is not all haha hehe') but it was for a relatively short time. The child should not be obligated to put their life on hold for their parents, but neither should they be excluded without consultation. In the end, I'm glad I was able to take care of them - it was my choice. But longer term, I would have needed more external support.

Personally i wouldn't have a baby past about 35 but that's just me as I want to enjoy my life 'afterwards' iykwim. But, I do think that people shouldn't judge. My mum had my youngest sister at the age of 48, her 5th child. She had the least complications of all with that pg and most people think she is 10 yrs younger than she is, she is very fit and healthy and probably alot more capable than some younger mothers. People's comments do get on my nerves but if you are healthy enough to conceive a child at that age naturally I don't see why not. I'm not sure that I agree with IVF for really old people and appreciate it is different if you had your first child past the age of 40 as it may be more of a shock.

I had my 20month old ds2 at 41! Defo did feel more tired than i did with dd1 (she is 10yo) but i would not change anything. i don't feel any older than i did 10 years ago and still consider myself an energetic and fun mummy! Age is irrelevant as some 20 year olds look pretty droopy and lack lustre imo! if i got pg again i would still have the baby even though i would be 43 when it arrived. (am not wanting any more but............) hth

Well I had my 4 between 22-29 and thought that was it, only to have dd2 at 43 The only people who have commented negatively are those "friends" whose DC are the same age as our older kids, who go on about being free while we start again.

But then having children never stopped us doing what we wanted to do and my plans of our life being like my parents at this age (lots of holidays etc) weren't going to happen anyway due to no money, and shift work!

As for the grandparents side of things, it's a shame that my mum isn't as fit now as she was when the others were little and probably won't be able to have DD for the week when she's 10 years old.

But my very fit and active dad died suddenly of a heart attack at 62, so didn't get the years we thought he'd have with his grandchildren. My own grandfather was doing handstands into the swimmingpool with me on his back at the age of 64; and walking 3 miles into town twice a week at 89. My horribly unfit MIL is OK at almost 80. You just don't know.