How old is too old to have a baby - in your mind?

[winegumss]

How old is too old? Have you had a baby over 40 or more and how do you feel? Do others ever comment?

I have a two year old and I'm 43, and would love another so he had a sibling which would probably put me at around 45/46 for the second.

I'm interested in those that think this is too old (not offended by the way, I've learnt to not give two hoots about what anyone thinks). SOmeone said 50 was too old to have small children - How old do you think you are going to feel at 50?! My mum looks after DS for one day a week at 69 and if necessary has been known to have him all week - I have no doubt if she had children at 50 she would easily have coped and would equally be coping well with teenagers now.

There are things which are different about having children older. You don't have as much energy (but that doesn't really affect your child, you just slump harder in the evenings) and on some occasions you are old enough to be the other mums mother (though not generally in my part of town) on the other hand, I've had 20 years of clubbing and travelling, eating out and smart holidays, working like a loon in a high powered career etc and I really don't mind staying in and chilling out. My friends (even those without children) aren't out clubbing whilst I stay home changing nappies - they're all at home watching CSI!

I think I'm calmer and more financially stable. There are pros to being an older mother too.

lapin - best piece of (mental health) advice I was given when starting IVF was "choose the number of times you're going to try and stick to it". It was good advice and I don;t regret giving up when I did even though it was hard at the time - I think I would be a twitching wreck if I had tried any more.

Kewcumber - I'm really impressed that you were able to stick to it. I have a feeling that I would be someone who would wear myself down into the ground by never giving up. Which is stupid really, especially as things worked out so well for you in the end.

I'm not sure there is any finite age limit, I think it depends entirely on the individual. I guess the only two caveats to that are:

• I think you need to be fairly confident that you'll be around to support your children into adulthood (early 20s); I don't know about anyone else, but having your parents around until you're capable of standing on your own two feet was pretty important to me in a varity of ways (but maybe I was just very immature!)

• I'd want to be physically able (and have the energy) to enjoy and play with my children, especially when they're younger, i.e. run around, play football, climb trees, go swimming, all that kind of stuff. Purely personal thing and maybe because my own father was a little older and wasn't able to do it so much but I really want to be able to do that with my kids.

NO LAPIN - I mean number of IVF cycles! Not half as much as trying the "normal" way...

MrsT - it was hard giving up because of course you don't know at that point that things will work out fine (if different). Of course there is always a sadness at being unable to know what its like to be pregnant but the knowledge that if I had got pregnant I wouldn't have DS which is very soothing to me!

I'm 31 and rather blithely assume I have a good 10 years left to get to the 4 I rather madly want (half way there already). But not taking it at all for granted - I get pg very easily but have had 3 mcs.

I have absolutely no intention of climbing any trees.

id say about 50 max, i mean your kids need you to be around for a bit don't they!!

but for me personally i think 35-40

but then wouldn;t have at 20 either.

I have a colleague who had a DS at 43 after donor IVF. She suddenly wanted a baby because her DH (early sixties) was diagnosed with a terminal illness and she feared being alone.

I have no doubt that she is a wonderful mother but I was uncomfortable with her reasons for suddenly deciding to start a family. Not sure I can even put my finger on exactly why. Of course her reasons were selfish. But our reasons for wanting to start a family were probably just as selfish.

I know women in the 40's preg and I think good on them if thats what they want. But for me I wouldnt want to be preg after 35, probably because already had a few mcs. Have since had 2ds's but still concerned it can happen again and the chances do increase after 35

Post menopause

most people decide to be paretns for selfish reasons but they're generally to do with wanting a fmialy unit or wanting to nurture to satify your own needs. Wanting a child to stop you being lonely does mke me wince a bit but in the way these things normally go, your friend will have a normal child and love him in the say way that the rest of us do.

Children sometimes have a way or normalising even the oddest of parents

Yes Issy I have (but don't tell anyone) but they're making me wait until readoption is complete in UK before I can start (probably October)

I had my dd at 41 and my DS3 at 43 (he's 10 months old now). I don't honstly feel any differently to when I had my first two children in my late twenties and early thirties.

Lots of people who say they are going to have their children young so they can travel/go and live in Tuscany/concentrate on their careers never do.

I still keep promising myself a missed gap year!

Kewcumber - I hope I didn't imply that giving up was easy for you. I think the exact opposite, which is exactly why I'm so impressed that you were able to do the right thing for you.

No no MrsT - I didn;t think thats what you were implying. The worst thing was reading every half baked newspaper report (generally in the Mail) about some new technique that they were developing in IVF and wondering if I should consider going back and asking about it. It was very hard to let go.

I had DD2last year, when I was 40. Have found it a real stuggle, really, really hard work. And I know my age hasn't helped in terms of being up and at it all the time. But as long as you're prepared for that, have one when you're 60 that's what I say.

Better than having one when you're 12, |I would argue...

I had my 2 dcs at 37 and 39. Part of me would like another, but I am pretty exhausted these days and we feel as though we have our hands full as it is. I have mentally said to myself that if I still feel like I would like another one when I am 43, then I'll talk to dh about it. Somehow imagine that by the time I get there, I'll be so relieved to be (hopefully) feeling semi human again, any remaining broody feelings will have gone. But I suppose for me, 43 is a sort of (randomly chosen) limit.

But I wouldn't say that people shouldn't have children after a certain age. Would agree with those who said up to natural menopause seems reasonable.