How to get past the fact that I’ll never have a daughter

[DaisyEM]

All my life I have wanted my own family, and I have two beautiful boys (4 and 7 months). With both pregnancies I was realistic and knew it could swing either way, but if I was being completely honest with myself, both times i hoped for a girl. This isn’t a matter of not wanting a boy, I know if I had had a girl first, I would have hoped for a boy second time around. I have thought about having my own daughter since I was about 7 years old, and I’m finding it really hard to let go of the fictional daughter I had created in my mind.

in an ideal world I would have my two boys and a daughter, but my husband doesn’t want any more and in both my pregnancies I had complications, and after the birth of my 2nd son I haemorrhaged, so it doesn’t seem worth the risk to consider a third, even if my husband was open to the idea.

I desperately just want to move on and just enjoy my two boys, and I go through phases where not having a daughter doesn’t bother me, or I can at least ignore it, but then something pops up and I’m dwelling on it again.

My SIL has just found out they are expecting a girl in January, and I’m so worried I’m going to find it really hard watching her bring up a daughter. During the pregnancy I feel like I can easily forget about it, but once she’s here I’m worried it’ll feel like it’s really in my face and unavoidable. I also feel like I can’t disclose how I feel to anyone I know, because I know I’m not supposed to feel like this. I just want to focus on being the best mother I can to my two boys and I know I’m so lucky to have them, I just can’t seem to forget about that little girl I thought I would have and know I never will. If anyone can offer any advice I’d really appreciate it x

Just to add as a disclaimer, I also know that the daughter I pictured wouldn’t have been the daughter I had, and I also know that even if we were to have a third, we could easily have another boy

I have thought about having my own daughter since I was about 7 years old, and I’m finding it really hard to let go of the fictional daughter I had created in my mind.

This is going to sound harsh, and I don’t mean to be but, given the quotation above it is perhaps healthier that you don’t have a girl.

No daughter was ever going to be able to measure up to a lifetimes worth of your imaginary girl.

With kindness, even if you had had a girl, you weren’t ever going to get the daughter you imagined.

@Bluetoothpaste i think perhaps you didn’t see the disclaimer that I posted under my post? I of course know this, I don’t have expectations of the girl I could have had, I of course know that the ideas I had in my head of having a daughter wouldn’t have been the reality.

Not helpful but do you realise how lucky you are to have two children? I feel sad for your boys.

You will get past this. But if it continues to bother you - maybe chat to a therapist about why this has held such power for you for so long.

Why did you want a girl?

What were you hoping they would provide you with that a boy won't?

Were there things you wanted to do with them -can you do them with your boys or your niece?

You feel how you feel, but you get what you get.

If you knew it wasn’t helpful, why did you say it? Just to be spiteful? Didn’t your parents teach you that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?🤦‍♀️

@Berlinlover i literally wrote that above. You clearly didn’t read my whole post. I knew I would just get abuse for posting this. That is incredibly unhelpful. I’m mentally struggling with how I feel. I desperately don’t want to feel this way, and all comments like this do is dismiss my feelings, suggest I’m ungrateful/evil/an awful mother, when the reality is I do everything for my boys, but it’s possible to love them beyond words, while also feeling like there’s a gap. The reason why I want to let go of how I feel is for them. Had you read my post properly, you’d have realised that. You are clearly lacking empathy and compassion.

Thank you for this!

Thank you, I have thought about counselling, as I just want to get on with my life with my beautiful boys and forget about it, but maybe I need to work through it to be able to do that x

Can you do something go to somewhere pretty with a river, drop a stick/flower in the water and think about the girl you imagined, and watch the idea of her float away. It might give you a sense of letting go, after acknowledging you feel sad about it.

Then change the tempo and get back to doing something fun with the boys and loving the life you have.

Is wanting a 3rd mixed up in this as well? I was very broody when my second was that age and for about a year afterwards.

I hope you get a lovely DIL or two and some smashing grandchildren one day. It will be here sooner than you think. Enjoy your beautiful sons. 😊

These are good questions. I think as I have a very close relationship with my own mum, I wanted the same, and I’m naturally quite feminine and felt like I would be better at the ‘girls’ stuff. But of course I completely get that had I had my own daughter, my relationship with her might have been different to that with my mum, and she may not have been into the girls stuff! I guess sometimes I wonder in the future how I’ll fit in - if my husband is off doing the ‘boys’ stuff with the boys. But I fully intend on leaning into being a ‘boy mum’, learning all I can about their interests and joining in as much as they are happy for me to, just as I would have with a girl.

I do know that ‘you get what you get’, like I said, I was realistic when I was pregnant and I wasn’t pinning my hopes on having a girl. It’s just something that comes up for me sometimes, and I’d really like to move past it and just focus on being the best mum I can to my boys x

This is a wonderful idea. Thank you so much xxx

Firstly, for any shitty comments: my boys are my whole world. I wouldn’t change them for anything and they feel so completely right. I feel so utterly made to be their mum.

OP, I could’ve written your post! I’ve got a 6yo and 6mo boys. My second pregnancy/birth/post partum was hard for many reasons and I feel so grateful that everything turned out okay so I also don’t want to risk a third. But I long for that mother/daughter relationship. It’s irrelevant really that the daughter we wish for wouldn’t necessarily turn out how we imagine them etc or that a third could easily be a boy, that doesn’t take away the longing. I imagined having a 1 year old little girl wearing one of my sisters dresses one day and I can’t get that out of my head some days. Sounds so silly but feelings aren’t rational. They just are what they are.

I don’t have any advice really but I just wanted to say I totally get it❤️

I think so! I feel really sad that my current baby will be my last baby 😢 I had a rough time with my first (pregnancy complications/traumatic labour/poorly baby) and I think that because I’ve had a more positive experience this time it’s making me want to do it all over again 😢

Thank you, you are so right, it goes so fast, which is part of the reason why I just want to forget about not having a daughter and just enjoy being a mum, as ultimately I’ve got what I wanted which is a lovely family, and I realise how lucky I am to have that x

How ridiculous to feel sorry for her boys.

Plain mean to post such nonsense

Her feelings are valid and its healthy to get it out there if she needs to

I would have loved a son and was very fortunate to have two lovely daughters. I accepted it right away, its not something i dwell on. You are blessed to have two kids!!! Some people arent able to have one.

Also, my daughters are both nightmares!!!!!

Your boys are still so young OP and your hormones are probably all over the place, probably exacerbated by your SIL’s pregnancy.

Especially with your youngest you don’t know who they will turn out to be yet. There really isn’t any such thing as a “boy mum” and there’s no guarantee that your sons will share your DH’s interests and not yours. I know you know this really.

It’s also lovely having two of the same sex - and may well make your life easier in lots of practical ways (hand me downs, possibly school choices, possibly same sports groups etc).

Im sure you will feel some sadness for a while but I promise it will pass. You are so lucky to have two healthy children - many many people would give anything for that.

Please ignore these absolute zero humanity comments. Of course you would have liked a gurl.

Thank you so much, despite the negative comments, I know that my feelings are valid. How I feel doesn’t stop me being the best mother I can be to my boys, loving them unconditionally and embracing who they are fully, but that sadness at not having had a daughter is still there. Thanks so much for commenting and making me feel like I’m not awful 😭 as I know my bits are everything to me, and a huge part of the reason why I just want to move on from the idea of a daughter. I hope over time we can come to accept not having a daughter and it bother us less x

Thank you for this xx

My husband is an only child. He loves football and rugby and I know he wanted a boy ….we had 3 daughters and he has always loved them unconditionally. We are hoping for grandchildren now our girls are grown up!