How to get past the fact that I’ll never have a daughter

[DaisyEM]

All my life I have wanted my own family, and I have two beautiful boys (4 and 7 months). With both pregnancies I was realistic and knew it could swing either way, but if I was being completely honest with myself, both times i hoped for a girl. This isn’t a matter of not wanting a boy, I know if I had had a girl first, I would have hoped for a boy second time around. I have thought about having my own daughter since I was about 7 years old, and I’m finding it really hard to let go of the fictional daughter I had created in my mind.

in an ideal world I would have my two boys and a daughter, but my husband doesn’t want any more and in both my pregnancies I had complications, and after the birth of my 2nd son I haemorrhaged, so it doesn’t seem worth the risk to consider a third, even if my husband was open to the idea.

I desperately just want to move on and just enjoy my two boys, and I go through phases where not having a daughter doesn’t bother me, or I can at least ignore it, but then something pops up and I’m dwelling on it again.

My SIL has just found out they are expecting a girl in January, and I’m so worried I’m going to find it really hard watching her bring up a daughter. During the pregnancy I feel like I can easily forget about it, but once she’s here I’m worried it’ll feel like it’s really in my face and unavoidable. I also feel like I can’t disclose how I feel to anyone I know, because I know I’m not supposed to feel like this. I just want to focus on being the best mother I can to my two boys and I know I’m so lucky to have them, I just can’t seem to forget about that little girl I thought I would have and know I never will. If anyone can offer any advice I’d really appreciate it x

You mention your SIL is expecting a girl baby and you are apprehensive of how you will manage that. That is understandable, but it is all about the attitude you choose to take.
My advice to you is to accept this baby niece vicariously, support your sil throughout her pregnancy ; tell her how thrilled you are she is having a girl and welcome this baby girl with loving open arms. Become the favorite aunt! You will all be so much happier and your family will be surrounded by love.

You can't help how you feel and it doesn't mean you love your boys any less so don't feel guilty about feeling as you do.
The chances are will come to terms with it and feel better about it in time. If you don't though try and get some counselling to come to terms with your feelings.
If it's any consolation. I have a friend with three sons. She also now has 5 granddaughters that she is very close to!

Oh op, gender disappointment is a real thing, and those who are so strongly opinionated about it have either a, never experienced it or b, feel the same but are shamed for feeling that was so they lash out at you.
I have two boys and I love them endlessly. My first is very sensitive and a big thinker and feeler. He’s extremely loyal and still wants to hold hands and cuddle his teddy’s at age 8. My second is absolutely bonkers 😅. He’s a typical boy is many sense but he also has a very soft side and loves playing with Barbie’s and teddy’s and lots of the more typical girl things too.
I would be lying if i said I hadn’t dreamt of having a girl, and I’m not proud to say that I initially felt sad that I wasn’t having a girl when I found out the genders. I think this came from me being SO close to my mum and wanting to have that mother daughter relationship of my own. I feel like little girls are more “praised” in some sense than boys. When I found out I was having my first son I distinctly remember a few people making comments like “aww maybe a girl next time” or “you can try again for a girl” etc despite me never sharing a preference outside of my own mind…. And this thread! I also feel like social media is FULL of stereotypes that feed into this narrative. The whole mini me, and matchy matchy posts. The memes about “a daughter being the best friend who ever needed” etc. there’s obviously boy versions as well but you get my gist!
My boys are 8 and 5 now and I am honestly so very happy with our little life and also accepting that it’ll likely just be us three (single mum!!). My heart still sinks for a moment when I see girl gender reveals but then I soon move on. It doesn’t mean I am not grateful for what I have, it’s just sort of feeling sad for a moment about something I wanted but don’t have.
You will be ok OP and you will move on too. 💜

Hey, no advice OP but just to say that I think this is a really common, normal feeling and it doesn’t say anything about your boys or your love for them.

Op did you think by having a girl you would be best friends dress her up etc.
Because that dont always happen.

My mother had 4 girls and not one is girly and not one of us are close to her.
Our brother is the apple of her eye now.

Men get a bashing on mn every day now boys do.

I have two boys - very happily! - but I often thought a girl would have been nice...Then I went into teaching and spent 9 years mentally wrestling with moody teenage girls. It effectively cured my urge for a daughter - they were very hard work indeed!

This sounds so difficult. This instagram page may be helpful. www.instagram.com/mcmillanpsychology?igsh=YWVhdWYxcm40Mmli

No I didn’t to be honest, in fact I always thought I’d try my absolute best to avoid the
‘princess’ culture and approach to raising a girl. I always imagined my daughter as being quite outdoorsy/a bit scrappy, but of course as discussed already, that was just the daughter I imagined and most likely wouldn’t have been the reality anyway!

Haha, thank you for this x

YANBU at all to hanker after a girl. This doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate your existing boys at all! Some people like you obviously have had very strong feelings from a young age to replicate something good they had themselves eg your own mom daughter relationship. And it can be quite a bittersweet thing to see it partially come true and it’s hard to shake that ‘almost there - what if?’ feeling you struggle to shake.

I agree with some PP that therapy may be a good idea and look at it as a positive that there will be a niece in your life! Sometimes you can form extremely strong bonds there also and almost like a second mom - I don’t know how close to SIL you are emotionally or geographically but it’s a possibility perhaps.

I’m sorry you’ve had some horrid replies, OP. I have also had to work through my grief at not having a daughter. I have two boys who I adore, but I had pictured a girl when thinking about being a mum and to know it won’t happen feels very sad. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my boys, etc, it is just a feeling and that’s ok. I feel less sad about it as time progresses, but if you find yourself struggling please do seek help with a therapist.

Along with my horrible pregnancies etc, however, another reason we are stopping at two is to leave room to hopefully adopt. There are tens of thousands of children in the care system who need mummies and daddies to take care of them. Perhaps if you’d like three children but don’t want to have another of your own, this is something you and your DH might consider?

Awh my first is similar 🥰 sensitive, gentle and very affectionate 💙 I’m super close to my mum too, and I have found myself thinking ‘who will I go for lunch with, or to the cinema with’ when I’m older, as I do these things with my mum now. With any luck, my boys will happily spend one on one time with me when they are older 🤞🏼 I have had more than one stranger say something along the lines of ‘ohhh, two boys’ and pull a face, when peering into the pram. It’s really sad that people feel this way about boys, and I hate that I have these feelings of sadness at not having a girl 😢

I guess this last sentence gives me a similar feeling to what I posted before - almost like it’s an accepted fact that girls are preferred and being a “boy mum” is like the club that no one wants to be in but at least they have each other if that makes sense? I know you won’t have meant it that way but it does often feel (per PP) that a boy is kind of “oh well better luck next time” when you tell people and it almost makes you feel like it must be bad. I’m interested in others’ experiences with older children on whether it really is that different raising boys and girls once they get out of the little years.

Thank you, that’s it exactly - I love my boys so much and my longing for that mother daughter relationship doesn’t take away from my relationship with them. Yes I think that’s it, that desire to replicate that close relationship that I had with my mum. I suppose I know one day my mum won’t be here anymore and I will have lost what is the closest relationship to me and won’t have that strong female relationship in my life anymore that has come to be so important to me. I suppose with it being my SIL I feel like there might be a bit of a barrier re having a close relationship with my niece, but whereas maybe it it were my own sister (I don’t have one) having a girl there would be a greater opportunity there. I’ll just have to see how it all pans out ☺️

So sorry to hear you’ve felt the same in the past, so great to hear that you’re feeling better about it now though. That thought had crossed my mind, about adoption. For us it’s whether it would be financially viable, but I wouldn’t say it’s completely off the cards x

Count your blessings

You've had a lot of helpful advice already on this thread, but just my two pence for what it's worth. I had my DS first and was extremely upset that I wasn't having a girl. Two years later I find out I'm having a girl and was so disappointed I wasn't having another boy 🙈 I think sometimes we just get stuck on what we can't have rather than what we do.
To be honest I do sometimes still think I'd have preferred to have two of the same sex, I worry about them not being close as they get older and the lack of hand me downs is a real pain. But I love them both and wouldn't change a thing.

Ah op l can understand why you feel like this - got a friend whonsaid she would never feel complete until she had a girl but after 3 boys had to stop.
You might always feel a bit sad as my ex's mum did but now she has 3 daughters in law and 3 granddaughters- maybe not quite the same but she loves her granddaughters to bits.
My mum and sister have a very tricky relationship and never do lunches or shopping together so like you say, there is no guarantee you would have that kind of relationship.
In a way, it's like a bereavement-
l have a daughteRobinson wanted a second child and it wasn't meant to be.
i have got 4 friends, all very girly and they all had sons but they are wonderful mothers to them as l am sure you are to yours.
Time is a great healer.

Xxx

Hope you're ok Op. Sending unmumsnetty hugs x

I think how you feel is perfectly understandable OP. The daughter of your dreams is just that though. It might sting when people around you have girls but it will pass I promise.

Enjoy your sons and one day they may give you granddaughters.

Two things can be true at once; you can love your boys and be so grateful for them, but also mourn your (probably) idealised version of a mother/daughter relationship.
I felt a smidge of what you're feeling but being further on, with my boys both at primary school, I can tell you I don't give it a moment's thought now.
I can see how your SiL having a girl shortly might impact you, but have you tried flipping it and thinking how exciting to have a niece to spoil with pretty dresses etc...?

Because she should be grateful for what she has.

Yanbu to feel this way. I wanted a ds then a dd, and that is what I got. But I still mourned the imaginary dd and ds I didn't have from those pregnancies.
They get on OK, but both dc have voiced that they would have preferred a same sex sibling, so you have that.
I agree with others that you should aim to embrace the arrival of your DN, esp as she is so close in age to your younger ds. Withdrawing from the situation will make you miserable.
My mum didn't have sons, but she has loved the adventure of having grandsons, discovering the joys of combine harvesterd etc! Hopefully one day you will have granddaughters and that will be a new adventure for you.

Who says she isn’t? She yearns for a daughter, doesn’t mean she doesn’t love and appreciate her sons.

Exactly what I was going to say.
Yes OP, even after the disclaimer.